It’s a dating mystery: Why would someone invest in dating you and then walk away?
They take you on a romantic trip, buy you an amazing gift, or tell you they’re falling for you . . . right before breaking up with you?
What were they thinking?!
In today’s new video, I share the reasons why someone might lead you on, and how you can use it as fuel to get over them faster and find your person.
Before we get into the video, I wanted to let you know that on the 23rd of January, there is a big free event happening that I am hosting live called First Principles of Getting Commitment. We have thousands of people already signed up. This is your chance to join us too if you haven’t already. If you want commitment this year and you’re struggling out there in dating, or you’re finding you keep coming across people who are casual or just keep you in limbo, who don’t want the real thing, this is your chance to learn what you need to know to find it. It’s going to be a really powerful event. You can join us for free by going to lovelifetraining.com So head on over there now and we’ll see you at that event. Now, let’s get to the video.
I got this question from one of my members in the Love Life Club:
“Why do men continue to invest in a relationship even though they want to break up with you? We were discussing this in the comments, and we really don’t understand how men operate. For example, they buy us presents for birthdays or Christmas and even plan dates, but all of a sudden just break up or disappear. Why bother then? What’s the logic behind it? It’s not just talking; it’s actually doing things for you. Or do we women assign so much value to this while it—organizing dates, buying you presents—really means nothing to them?”
This is such an interesting question. How many people relate to this? Leave me a comment now. Tell me, have you been through something like this?
Has someone taken you on a romantic trip or bought you a fancy gift or said something meaningful to you right before they ended the relationship or told you they didn’t want a relationship at all? Why do people do this?
One of the big reasons is that we’re just assigning different meanings to things.
So, for example, if someone takes you on this glorious trip, you may say, “They must be really serious about me—they’re taking me on this amazing vacation. This must mean the relationship is progressing.”
And from their side, they might be thinking, “I really need a break from work.” And who’s the person they want to take a break with? The person they’re dating or the person they’re in a relationship with. It’s the natural thing to do: “Let’s go and have an amazing week together.” But it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
Why does someone say something to you that feels meaningful? Well, maybe there’s someone who’s trying to feel something. They feel like it’s going to amp up the relationship, it’s going to make it more exciting, it’s going to make you like them even more.
Why do they buy a gift? Well, maybe they just felt the pressure to do something special. Maybe internally they felt like, “Oh, I feel like I’m going to hurt this person’s feelings at some point. I should still get them something really nice right now so I can be the good guy.”
The truth is, we don’t know. And look, you can’t spend all of your time second-guessing everything that someone does, wondering, “Is it real? Is it not real?”
But one of the things we can do is look at whether the relationship is progressing in several different dimensions.
Is it only progressing one-dimensionally or in lots of different ways? Are they just buying me lavish gifts and I’m taking that to mean something even though I get very little of their time or their energy? Are we continuing to do exciting things impulsively that feel great in the moment but don’t suggest that this person has me in mind for anything in the future or is ever making future plans with me? Do they constantly say meaningful things, but they’re not backed up in the way that they actually move the relationship forward? Does it just feel like very poetic language?
Ask yourself if it’s progressing holistically.
In dating, a lot of the time when people were buying fancy gifts or saying very meaningful things or talking a good game about the future even though they ended up not wanting anything with you, it was because, at that point, they were probably trying to “make a sale.”
They were so focused on getting you and trying to figure out whether they could get you, they didn’t really ask themselves if that relationship was something they wanted. And then before long, they found themselves in over their head and finding a way out.
Meanwhile you’re going, “Why would they do all of those things if they didn’t like me that much, if they didn’t really want a relationship?” But from their side, it was insecurity. Their first priority was: “See if I can get this person.” It wasn’t: “Progress in a way that is organic and would make sense to this person if at some point I decide that it’s not right for me.”
When it comes down to a relationship context and someone does something meaningful with you right before breaking up with you, one of the things I think we have to assign it to is a kind of irresponsibility—a lack of care about how something might end up affecting you.
Of course, there’s something very selfish about taking someone on a romantic trip and then breaking up with them three weeks later, especially if you knew that you were going to do it, or you knew you were that conflicted, because you really are sending someone the wrong message right before breaking their heart.
But in a way, all of these things should actually be a bit of a pressure valve in helping to get over someone.
If you’re dating someone and they did all of these grand things to try to win you over, and it was irresponsible and it was careless, and then they decided they didn’t want that after all, then you can kind of look at that person and go, “Oh, there was something inorganic about the way that person was progressing. It’s possible that I dodged a bullet by not going any further down the road with this person because they’re not very conscious in their actions.”
If it happened while you were deep into a relationship and someone was very careless with your heart by doing something meaningful right before breaking up with you, then you can also use that as a pressure valve and say, “You know, that behavior of not really caring about how it would affect me and what it would do to me for them to confuse me in that way is very unattractive and unappealing behavior in a teammate. So, again, while it hurts, maybe in some sense I dodged a bullet.”
The truth is there are always going to be moments where we get completely blindsided, where we’re just not going to see it coming, where someone does something so confusing to us that we could never have seen it coming.
Now, while we can’t see everything coming, there’s a piece of advice I got once from my friend Jesse Itzler that I found very helpful. We were on a trip in Poland. We were climbing a mountain as part of a cold exposure retreat. We were three-quarters of the way up, bare-chested, freezing. We could finally see the tip of the mountain. Everyone started cheering, everyone started getting excited, and Jesse looked at me and he said, “Matt, we don’t celebrate until it’s in the books. Be where your feet are.”
And I always remembered that piece of advice. I’ve always found it so useful. “Be where your feet are.” And I think that there’s something about this that’s very useful for dating.
Now, I’m not saying that you should wait until you get married to start celebrating. You can celebrate being in an amazing relationship anytime. But there is something useful about being present with the stage that we’re in instead of getting overexcited about where it might go but hasn’t been yet.
Be excited about where the relationship is today, but be cognizant of the fact that you may not be at the top of the mountain yet and you’re still learning about this person and there’s still progression to be had and it’s up to them and you to show that progression.
And like I said, look at whether there’s multidimensional progress, not just whether there seem to be meaningful things, but they always occur in the same way.
Thank you for watching. Let me know what you thought of this video. Leave me a comment if you relate to this video, if it’s happened to you, and if this video feels like it shed some light on the situation for you.
What would you do differently next time? What would you have paid attention to, having seen this video? If you write that down, it will serve you the next time you’re in a situation like that.
Awesome
This resonates. My boyfriend was ready to propose. We had designed the ring together. I was half moved in to his house he shared with his 9 year old daughter. We couldnt wait. Monday we were painting and Wednesday, he broke up with me, over facetime. All my fault of course. I was explosive, unpredictable, angry. Funny these are all traits of his father and mother whom he has unresolved childhood trauma. Projection at its finest. It was the 4th time he had broken it off. The final discard. Now I know he was and is a covert narcissist. Sometimes we dont know someone until the breakup. Sadly. Still hurts. But I cant compete with childhood trauma. Noone can.
Thank you Matthew! Yes I let someone back into my life after meeting 7 years ago! We are long distance so I let communication stop over a year and a half ago! Suddenly I get a text from him over the summer to reconnect, but there was no expectation, but I needed to find out if this meant something! We met at a specific location and spent 4-5 days together! Interesting but I feel he got his trophy and never intended on progressing other than friendship, which I agree, but my heart was still there! Need to let this go??!
Sincerely,
Michelle
Omg this has so resonated with me as this has just happened to me .. feel broken hearted .. but turning my disappointment into determination, my hurt into healing . I am so grateful to you and the team for the amazing material you provide.
Hi my ex boyfriend told me that he could kill for me one hour before dupping me… What a crazy man!
I haven’t started dating, but listening to this has put me right off even trying. Even when you think actions mean something, it turns out they don’t (necessarily)??? What a minefield.
I swear it’s like two people reading together, but reading different versions of the same book. She’s reading the Disney adaptation and he’s reading the Zombie Apocalypse one.
Painful truth… you cleverly painted the picture … we need to be aware of how we index our books of life.
Yes this happened to me decade plus ago but I was the one that walked into 2 frivolous relationships. After that decade plus to write my dissertation. I get the dark night of the soul and manifest my soul mate, the one who taught me the most important lesson. Don’t emotionally invest if if you are not let into their life. He never did through 40 year . Some are not capable of emtional returns and investment. I love him unconditionally but I am disengaging. It’s taking a long time.
Just went through this, made worse by the fact that he may have given me a disease in the process.
Would look for behaviour that doubles down on the poetic language when I try and put up a boundary!
Thank you, I wish I’d known this before..
Yes, had this happen to me after a few dates proposing lifetime love, texting, calling, romantic dinners at high end restaurants and planning a future…I was hesitant and take my time, always, so was surprised when it ended..ghosted!!! We need to date like adults.
Hi Kay
Same happened in here. He said to me that I am love of his life and he knew it first time he saw me. I was the one trying to slow thing down but he convinced me to marry with him. After a few dates, a very romantic dinners, lot’s of calls during the day, future commitments, gestures and a weekend after I met with his sister, he dumped me! So disappointing and heartbreaking…
This sounds like he could have had BPD. They are petrified of being abandoned so love bomb, want your kids, marriage etc….then run before they can be hurt
Same scenario with my guy. He was kind, polite, we had great conversations and it felt like we had similar understanding of exploring a relationship.
One day he is saying he is counting minutes until we meet, few days later he conjures up a reason why we can’t continue seeing each other. But hey, we can continue having some fun if I am up to it. I literally didn’t see it coming and it felt like someone pulled the rug under my feet.
Wrote him a letter few months later asking him: Why bother at first place? It’s still baffles me, because I asked him point blank at the very beginning if he’s looking for some fun or sth serious? And he was selling me flowers and unicorns.
Very immature and irresponsible and I would have appreciated an honest answer in order to move on more quickly. At the end of the day it says far more about him than me, but it takes time to recognize the hurt and heal.
That’s the part that hurts the most. From committed to if you can do casual let’s do that. You said it, way more about them them you or me. It’s selfish and mean. You didn’t hurt him, someone did and you are paying for it.
Never thought of it this way, but reflecting upon our last discussion that is what actually transpired. But his life, his decision how to go about it and I have my life and my responsibility for my well-being. I sincerely took this as an opportunity to go manifesting everything that it has been on my to do list (big projects) because if I had to conjure up the willingness to deal with the hurt and find my peace again, I can do anything else I inspire to.
Excellent information, Matt!
Be where your feet are at❤️
Great point! Don’t assume what something meant to me is what it meant to them.
This is all BS. It’s called they wanna have sex with you and they will do anything or say anything to have sex and women continue to fall for it.
It’s not BS, because you can have sex with anyone, for free, without much effort. And plenty of guys do, no problem. This is specifically about men who put effort and money into one person. That pathology is about more than sex.
I kind of agree with you on that. Been there done that. On the other hand some do seems to mean it at that moment and something makes them change their minds later on. Just crazy!
Oh dear, over a year since I told a guy we couldn’t have a relationship after he lied about how he’d spent NYE. His (deceased) wife was my friend but had been in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s for 5½ years. Yes, OK, I knew even in these circs I shouldn’t think about a relationship but he constantly stressed how he needed me there. At her memorial service he asked me to sit with him & his family (the priest – THE PRIEST! – called them “my” family) then that very night took another woman to dinner. 4 days ago he told me he’d found a pretty pair of his wife’s earrings he’d like me to have as a keepsake. The next evening I went to our church film night & there he was, sat next to the other woman. I’ve written about this before. Sorry. Being older, it’s harder to get over.
So sorry for you. This was Just crazy and sick!
It is harder being older, for lots of reasons. I’m so very sorry you’ve had to endure this pain. Two bad marriages, myself, then ghosted by the love of my life. All of life’s losses come snowballing down.
This exactly happened to me before New Year’s Eve. My ex and I had a committed 6 year relationship. Two weeks before the breakup, he said he would commit to me and breaking up is off the table. As a spiritual person, he would work out any situation. Then he decided to break up with me since spirituality is his priority and he just realized that our relationship would not work in the long run. He is in a cult and said I’m not supportive of him. Then 4 days later, he texted me and requested to change our relationship to friendship. He said that he would not look for another romantic committed relationship as it takes too much time away from his spirituality life….. it hurts like crazy with that back and forth, up and down. But true, I dodged the bullet, it could be worse.
Hello Matthew. First off, let me express how truly helpful your videos are. I often see a ray of sunlight when life feels enveloped in gray clouds. Living a self-examined life is important to me and your insights have allowed me to uncover blind spots regarding past and current relationships. I’m more aware of utilizing logical thinking instead of simply following the whims of my heart.
When I listen to your videos, I often wish they were more inclusive, ie, included references to men who struggle with the same painful and confusing relationship issues women do. There are many men who would benefit from accepting their sensitivity and vulnerability, not an easy task in today’s alpha culture.
I recall watching a video in which you were speaking to a primarily female audience. But in that audience, there was one male. He had the courage to stand up and share a very painful heartbreak he was experiencing. I had so much respect for him “baring his soul” in such a public forum.
I would very much enjoy discussing this issue further with you. My work as a psychotherapist confirms that being a male does not necessarily firewall you from heartbreak and emotional confusion.
Hello Matthew. First off, let me express how truly helpful your videos are. I often see a ray of sunlight when life feels enveloped in gray clouds. Living a self-examined life is important to me and your insights have allowed me to uncover blind spots regarding past and current relationships. I’m more aware of utilizing logical thinking instead of simply following the whims of my heart.
When I listen to your videos, I often wish they were more inclusive, ie, included references to men who struggle with the same painful and confusing relationship issues women do. There are many men who would benefit from accepting their sensitivity and vulnerability, not an easy task in today’s alpha culture.
I recall watching a video in which you were speaking to a primarily female audience. But in that audience, there was one male. He had the courage to stand up and share a very painful heartbreak he was experiencing. I had so much respect for him “baring his soul” in such a public forum.
I would very much enjoy discussing this issue further with you. My work as a psychotherapist confirms that being a male does not necessarily firewall you from heartbreak and emotional confusion in relationships.
Maybe it’s just that mostly, women want to settle, to nest whereas men want to do the opposite, to expand, to always think ‘there’s a better option out there for me’. So it’s simple biology. That’s made even worse in the online dating system. I can’t express how many failed relationships I’ve had over the past three years that hardly even got off the ground. There was one however notable one who I thought was ‘the one’. He did and said all the right things. I had never been treated so well. He was attentive, loving, bought me flowers every time he came to see me. Then the diamond ring ‘as a gesture of trust’ he said. One month later, he was gone. He said he couldn’t cope, that I pressured him. He worked as a chef seven days a week, I asked for just one day for us. That was it. He said noore, blocked me, end of story. I should say fantasy or fairy tale because I guess it was all too quick and too good to be true. Now I’m on my guard and probably think the worst of anyone who even hints at letting me down.
Thank you Matthew! This sounds so much like the relationship I was in years ago.
He flew me in stay with him multiple times, bought me crazy amazing presents, even took me to Hawaii. He wanted me to move in with him. I wanted to, but some tiny alarm in the back of my mind kept telling me to be cautious before taking that leap. I think somewhere just before the other shoe dropped I found you, and started to follow your scripts.
2 things happened, my perspective & thinking started to shift, and then life dealt me a completely different hand.
I was crying, miserable & upset all the time. Then one day I decided to just stop, and start investing in me. I started going out more (not to date) to concerts, hang with friends, go swimming & just like living life. A couple of months later, someone I had liked years back came into my life. It was a little rocky, but your scripts and a hefty dose of telling myself “Keep it REAL Mandy! Its either going to work out or its not!” Well, its 6 years later and Mr. Long-Distance is ancient History! I’m engaged to the guy I first met years ago when I was in high school. Its not always perfect, but I’m so happy. Thank you!