When you don’t know if you’ll ever find love


Stephen Hussey

On our new podcast episode, Matt and I talked about people’s biggest fears.

One of the most popular: “I’m worried I’ll never find love.”

Few of us cannot relate to that feeling. Especially in the worst throes of heartbreak and repeated disappointment. But I would wager that although great love feels (and is) rare, it’s actually not as rare as we make it out to be.

Belief is a funny thing: If we are optimistic, we are not guaranteed success. But if we’re relentlessly pessimistic, we’re almost guaranteed to fail. So it pays to be an optimist here, as it does in the pursuit of any goal or dream.

To help with this, I think it pays to remember two basic facts:


  1. You are deeply loveable
  1. There is an enormous amount of love out there


The second one is true by definition of just how many people in the world feel they have an incredible supply of love to give. The first one…is trickier. But that’s where the work comes in.

I’m not one for believing you have to have all your shit together to find love. That would be an insanely demanding task, and we know many people out there who are a hot mess in many parts of their life internally and externally, but still manage to secure a happy family.

What you do need though, especially if you want to hold down a healthy and long-lasting relationship, is to have some foundational beliefs. You need some sense of worth, an idea that what you have to say is worth hearing, a sense of confidence in your own appeal and desirability as a partner.

That might mean we have to do work internally i.e. to crush negative scripts in our head that say we are undeserving, or it requires the external work of making our life a beautiful world for someone new to enter, or at least one filled with passion and the possibility of stability, growth, fun, adventure, and friendship. To paraphrase Charlie Munger: “The best way to attract a great partner is to deserve one”.

There is also luck involved. Which is why you have to stack the odds as much as possible to get them in your favour. This involves taking care your physical appearance, working on your communication, taking chances to start conversation, practicing flirting and going on dates. We have to make it easier for fate to drop the right person in our lap.

But the core facts remain true:

You are loveable.  

There is an abundance of love to be found.

We can get off to a pretty good start with those two truths.

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5 Replies to “When you don’t know if you’ll ever find love”

  • Hi There

    I could use your help. What I am about to tell does not mean I am searching for pity. I am searching for some new inputs to reclaim hope and faith for life.

    My story begins in school, where children from my class founded a hating club against me (age of 9). after this there has been mobbing at the age of 16. between 9-16 my parents got divorced, my sis had anorexia. My fahter sometimes physically rough on me and then didn’t want to spend time with me. I was the strong for my mom and the sandwich between my sis and my parents. i went to therapy and thought I have processed and healed these wounds. i started to build self confidence, being positive, healed my constant depressions, studied law, started to dance again etc.

    Then in 2019 I got diagnosed with an operable brain tumor. So I said let’s do a trip to brazil, maybe it is my last one. So I did, that is where I met my now ex boyfriend. After the brain surgery I was even more positive and had a healthy attitude to life and on the other hand there was a feeling inside of me asking myself why I am still on this earth..I didn’t listened to that feeling ..

    After breakup last September 2022, I started to wonder why my relationships don’t work. Basically apart from the last relationship I got cheated in all of my other 3 longterm relationships. So I thought oh there is a unique pattern, which is me. So I started to digg and digg and digg..now I am dealing with shame of self sabotage, guilt and more shame, because after all the unique pattern in my relationships was and is me, me with the anxiety of being rejected.

    I am now over 20 years in therapy, affirmations on my mirror, meditation, daily cards which I write what I am gratefulnfor, tryout of medical pills etc.

    Now with 36, I have a wonderful life with great friends, healed family relationships, a job that I love, financial stability, amazing hobbies…and still I have this huge anxiety of losing people, being rejected, this huge anxiety of ending up alone, which leads me to shame, guilt, self sabotage and ultimately not enjoying life and my time etc.

    I am exhausted and asking myself what the heck I am doing wrong in my over and over healing process..I could use a little bit of advice.
    I will be part of the virtual retreat in June and hope to get some inputs

  • My fear in this arena stems from the fact that I am 44 years old. I’m recently divorced after 24 years of a codependent marriage. I’m very worried that all of the high-value men near my age are already happily married. Which means I won’t ever be loved the way I need to be, because I refuse to settle for anything less.

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