What *Really* Matters To Men

This is the eleventh piece to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

Today’s piece dispels the myth that looks are all that matters, and provides a comprehensive breakdown of what a High Value Woman is. This is the key to getting guys to put you in the ‘Girlfriend Category’ and to have them chasing you for commitment. Enjoy!

Enter Stephen

It’s no secret that men place women into categories. Or maybe it is (in which case, sorry guys!).

When we identify these categories we see what separates the woman who only gets attention for one night from the woman who is constantly batting away marriage proposals.

To begin with, let’s look at two common stereotypes about men and women.

Male stereotype: Men are dogs. They will overlook any personality flaw in a woman if she has a pretty face and the body of a Victoria’s Secret model.

Female stereotype: Women are superficial. They are seduced by money and power and will compromise on any other desired qualities if they can pin down a man who has both.

Both of these stereotypes exist for a reason. The male stereotype exists because it’s plain to see that attractive women can receive a ton of attention for their looks.

And here’s the false conclusion most people draw from this: Men just want a pretty face.

The problem with this conclusion though is that it confuses attention with attraction. Pretty women will always get attention from a certain percentage of guys. Just like rich and powerful guys will always get attention from a certain percentage of women.

But we have to see this for what it is: Initial attention.

Why Initial Attention Is Only The Beginning

Initial attention is like having a great résumé for a job.

It catches someone’s eye and distinguishes you from other people. But only for a short window. If you screw up the interview or turn out to be useless on the job (not a euphemism, promise!), then the résumé won’t help.

It’s the same with visual attraction. All it does (on its own) is turn heads.

There are many things we can all do to improve our visual attraction. The beauty industry likes to make this seem like a labyrinth of complexity, but really it comes down to: working out regularly, eating well, taking care of our skin, grooming well, dressing to compliment our best assets, being fashionable and coordinated, having good posture and a warm smile. These things are all under our control. But though we can improve them it’s a big mistake to make looks our sole obsession.

Even if you put all this work into your looks and become the most radiant, sexy woman in the room and he’s totally into your type – all that does on it’s own is trigger a basic male response in his head: I would have sex with her.

She has physical attraction, which means this: as long as she doesn’t do something horrific in his presence, like murder a fellow human being in cold blood, or tell him to “call me maybe” when they exchange numbers, he’s going to want to sleep with her.

But even with visual attraction, there’s no guarantee a guy will even approach in the first place.

Most guys never approach women. They only approach if the risk seems low i.e. if she seems open, warm, fun, approachable and friendly. Guys rarely approach the most attractive girl in the place; they approach the girl who is attractive AND approachable.

One woman could look like Scarlett Johansson, but if he’s scared of getting a cocktail thrown in his face he could be in the room with her for ten hours and never strike up a conversation.

The Three Boxes, Or: What Keeps Him For Longer Than One Night

All this is to make an obvious point: Looks aren’t everything. They are something, but we tend to over-assume their importance. Like the impressive résumé, the most they do is open a door.

Yet it’s so bizarre how we assume people with good looks must have breezy love lives and just fall into relationships. Good looks just help with one part of the process, and even then they don’t guarantee much more than a few sleazy come-ons at a bar.

When a woman is just physically attractive and nothing else, a guy places that woman into the Sex Category, or what we can call Box No. 1.

There are three boxes guys place women in, the order of which is as follows:

Box No. 1: Girl I would sleep with (Sex Category)

Box No. 2: Girl I would casually date/have sex with and introduce to my friends (Casual Dating Category).

Box No. 3: Girl I would have long-term relationship with and introduce to my family (Girlfriend/Marriage Category).

Box No. 1 is usually visual and based on lust. It doesn’t mean a girl has to be the hottest woman he’s ever seen by any stretch of the imagination – it just means he has to feel some base tug of sexual chemistry.

Box No. 2 is the woman for whom he feels attraction, but she will also possess a few other key qualities that make her fun for more than one night, such as being:

  • Good company
  • Fun to hang out with
  • Easy or intelligent conversation
  • Able to charm his friends
  • Not embarrassing/nasty/bitchy in public
  • Good natured and has a sense of humour

Box No. 3 has far greater criteria, and requires a man to see evidence of specific high value traits, such as:

  • A strong sense of purpose and direction in life
  • Independence and interests/pursuits that give her fulfillment
  • A commitment to growth and ability to improve
  • Looking after her health and treating her body with respect
  • Strong standards for how she should be treated that she sticks to
  • A feeling of self-worth and internal validation
  • Sexual confidence and ability to be adventurous in bed
  • Ability to turn him on emotionally and sexually
  • Absence of neediness
  • Willingness to love him for who he is and encourage him
  • A lifestyle that she loves living and good relationships with people around her
  • Absence of drama

These are just some of the major traits that men are unconsciously seeking out when they begin dating someone. The more high value traits a woman shows, the quicker he puts her straight into the Girlfriend Category. This is why some guys claim they ‘just know’ that a girl is a keeper – because early on they see evidence that the girl they are dating is high value and thus irreplaceable (providing he’s in the right time in his life for a commitment of course).

All of this might seem obvious. It’s obvious that people are more choosy about who they have relationships with compared to potential sex partners.

But people forget this obvious truth.

Moreover, the broader purpose of this piece is to highlight that everyone struggles with different parts of the process when it comes to dating.

Just because someone is physically appealing, it doesn’t mean that they have the high value traits that make a guy want to call them for a second and third date, or get into a relationship with them (and the same goes for men).

Equally, just because someone is high value and would make an incredible partner does not mean that they are good at getting that initial attention in the first ten minutes. To go back to our job analogy earlier – it’s as though they are perfect for the role but don’t know how to write an eye-catching résumé that shows their qualities early on, leaving them overlooked for the wrong reasons.

Everyone has their own weaknesses. Take a look through the qualities mentioned in this piece and identify one or two areas that you think are your weakest areas. There is huge power in identifying what we need to work on, or else we stumble blind for months or years working on the wrong things.

And remember – most of the time our dating life isn’t a total disaster. Most of us are getting it mostly right in most areas. Sometimes just fixing one missing link in the chain can bring the whole thing together.

What links do you need to tighten up? Let me know in the comments below. If I notice a pattern in the responses I’ll direct a future article to that specific topic.


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221 Replies to “What *Really* Matters To Men”

  • Hi Stephen,

    Thank you for the wonderful article! I think most of us are focusing on getting to Box #3 and how to exhibit/exemplify those qualities when we’re around someone we really like. Box #3 feels like Schrödinger’s cat. A guy with either see a woman he’s attracted to as marriage material or not. But never both. And one doesn’t know what his cognitive process is until he’s either very explicit with his intentions or ends the relationship.

    I’d be interested in reading an article on how to express those qualities in Box #3, or on how to bridge the gap between Box #2 and Box #3. This is where I need to tighten up. Men are not mind-readers and have no knowledge of your mission to save the world if you don’t tell him.

    Again, lovely work – so glad you’re partnering with Matt!

    1. Hey Shae,

      Love the Schrödinger’s cat analogy ;) Although I think the process is more gradual than this implies – a man can be totally into someone as a potential girlfriend, and then see as she shows more and more amazing qualities that she is someone REALLY special that he never wants to let go of. But you are right that once a guy thinks you’re not marriage material it can be hard to prove otherwise.

      You make an excellent point – part of the whole challenge is communicating you have these qualities to a guy in the first place. This is why all the internal confidence in the world won’t help if you’re also a wallflower who never opens up and expresses herself to guys when she meets them. I will definitely keep this in mind for a future post on how to communicate your best qualities. Most people the mistake of thinking “Once he’s in a relationship with me, he’ll see how special and amazing I can be” – but of course he doesn’t know that, so he needs to see glimpses of those qualities IN THE EARLY STAGES.

      Thank you so much for this comment – I think you’ve hit on something that many people struggle with.

      And thanks for the kind words :)


      1. I don’t think the women who write in to this blog are wallflowers who never show their confident selves. These are bold women here!

        I think men make extrapolations on who a woman is very quickly and with very limited data. And once they’ve made those decisions it’s hard for them to change their impressions.

        And it’s a thin line. You show too much and he thinks he’s seen everything you are and makes a judgment on that.

        I’m interested in what you have to say on this topic! It’s very hard to walk in the middle with this one. Matt has addressed it but in the moment, it’s hard to do and be natural.

        I’m very curious!

  • I definitely have a hard time getting guys to want a serious relationship. I will have a guy’s interest for a month or two and then, just like that, he’s gone.

    1. This can be for many reasons. If you have a guys interest early on it means you’re doing something right.

      A guy can go cold for many reasons – he finds a woman boring or difficult, or he might feel like she doesn’t have ‘girlfriend’ type qualities i.e. she’s fun, but he doesn’t take her seriously because she lacks standards in some area, she’s not good at fulfilling his needs and understanding how to make him feel like a man. I’m not saying you do any of these, but it can be any of them. Again, it’s worth taking time to identify your weakest areas and be self-critical when you look at the list in the article. You are probably doing lots of things right, it might just be one area that consistently causes the same reaction in a guy.

      All the best Katie, thanks for your comment. Steve x

  • Great article Stephen!
    When I started pursuing acting, I let myself lower my standards to the people who surrounding me, other broken and broke actors. I had (still have…I think) the looks to check me in Box 1 (Sexual) and Box 2 (Presentable) but I depended too heavily on looks and not enough on my purpose or my standards of HOW I SHOULD BE TREATED. My internal validation compass was so far skewed, that I let people really take advantage of me.. I’m only now re-calibrating (thanks a lot to the HIGH VALUE WOMAN’S retreat) and really work on: Strong standards, A feeling of self-worth (at all times) and especially: “The ability to turn him on emotionally.”

    If you could speak about those subjects in more detail that would be awesome!

    1. Thanks Jay! I’ll definitely write those down. They seem to be popular issues for many people reading. x

  • I think that I am a serious relationship type. I had a serious boyfriend for 7 years, we lived together for 2 of them. One day he just came home and decided he didn’t “love me anymore”. Me being the easy going person I am, basically said “okay to hell with you”. That was his loss not mine.

    Now that I have been dating another guy for about 7 months I find that I might be too easy going. I don’t get jealous if he has conversations with other girls, if he goes out with the guys, drinks a little too much, cancels plans, etc. I have never been the type of girl to let other people bring me down. I live my own life too, so I understand when other people want to love theirs.

    For some reason though, I cannot get him to want to ever come over my house. I’m always going to him. That is obviously something that I never put a standard on early on, but how do I change that? I still want to be my easy going self, but I also want him to realize that this is what I want.

    1. I think it really depends on the way you two communicate. I am a very direct person and would just let him know in a respectful way that I would love for him to spend time with me at my place. I’ve seen too many girlfriends constantly driving to see the guy and he turns out to be very selfish.

    2. I would pull back just a little. Its okay to be easy going but it sounds like you want a different result, so then you have to do something different! Next time you guys plan to hang, let him know if he wants to see you he can come to you and if he is unwilling, that gives you some good information to evaluate if he is worth your time.

    3. Communicate only on the standards that matter to you i.e. only talk to him about your jealousy if you actually feel jealous. Don’t begin those conversations just because you feel you *should* be jealous for some reason.

      As for him not coming to your house, that’s a reciprocity issue. If you go to his, he should make the effort to come to yours. But how often do you invite him to yours? If he doesn’t know it’s a problem for you, then he can’t be blamed for never coming over. If you *do* invite him regularly and he just always refuses, you should be less willing go to his when it’s inconvenient for you. There’s no point being easy going if it means being miserable at the same time. Decide on the things that actually matter and make them clear – he’ll respect you much more in the long term.

      All the best Sara! x

  • For me this is your best article so far!It’s Great and very helpful!A feeling of self-Worth and internal validation is my weakness.I really have to work on that.

    1. Thanks so much Alexia, that’s really nice of you to say. Well done on identifying your area – some of Matt’s videos on YouTube will be really helpful for internal validation and self-worth. Check some of them out when you get time! Steve x

  • :)♥♥♥ :) HEART BEATS :)♥♥♥ :)

    May I sing the English hymne & say :
    With all my heart I thank you dear wonderful Hussey brothers :)

    I loooooooooooooooooooooove “What really matters to men” :)

    ♥&♥ I believe:

    ♥ True LOVE is what really matters to good-hearted human men ♥&♥ women :)

    So If a man/woman loooooooooooooooooooves TRUE LOVE and everything TRUE LOVE RELATED with all his/her HEART I believe he/she will look straight into the heart of the woman/man :)
    ♥&♥ The more she/he loooooooooooooooves, the more attractive she/he is to him/her :)

    ♥&♥ I believe: TRUE LOVE will be what connects his/her heart with her/his heart forever :)

    May God bless our hearts in the best way :)
    ♥&♥ in the name of true LOVE: may everything be said and done in the best looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooving way :)



    1. ♥ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
      (Matthew 6:21)

      ♥ Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

      (Proverbs 4:23)

      ♥ Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

      (Matthew 5:8)

      ♥ I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.

      (Ephesians 1:18-19)

    2. I agree :) if he/she always loooooooooves true LOVE with all his/her heart he/she will live a peaceful life and be a truly attractive man/woman :)

      So may I say:
      yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees :) let us always looooooooove true LOVE with all heart and treat other human beings and ourselves in the best loooooooooving way :)
      Let us always truly looooooooove and liiiiiiiiiive :)

  • :) I hope everybody can treat human beings and themselves in the best loooooooooving way and may there be
    PEACE and truly attractive men and women :)

    I believe:
    First comes true LOVE & PEACE :)
    True LOVE & PEACE make human beings truly incredibly attractive :)

    1. I believe:
      In a peaceful state you develop all the best qualities: True LOVE may flow into all areas of your life :) & with a loooooooooving hwaer and mind and body we human beings are in TRUE LOVE modus and attract in a beautiful & elegant & heart-touching way :)

      I feel truly atrracted to somebody who touches my heart and mind and everything with true LOVE :)
      How about you? :)

      1. May I correct one of the sentences in the comment above:
        With a loooooooooving HEART & MIND & BODY we human beings are in TRUE LOVE MODUS and attract in a beautiful & elegant & heart-touching way :)

        1. May I coerect the last word of the comment above too & wish everybody PEACE and true LOVE and I’m looking forward to all the heart-touching advices by the wonderful lovely amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing Hussey brothers Matthew and Stephen :-))))))))))

          1. With all my heart I wish everybody always be in a peaceful state and truly LOVE & LIVE & ATTRACT :) & LIVE A LIFE OF TRUE LOVE AND PEACE WITH MR./MISS RIGHT :))))))))
            <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  • What can we do in a peaceful state? Truly LOVE with all HEART :) and do everything out of TRUE LOVE :)

    What do you do when you are in a peaceful state? :)

    What I do:
    Kiss and hug people I looooooooove
    Write about romance and compose music

    And something amazing I experienced lately:)
    You can run and draw hearts at the same time. :) I went to a beautiful park and made q HEART TRACK to run on and I imagined sending hearts to the people I looooooooove :) This is a very good exercise :) It trains HEART, MIND & BODY :)
    There are so many good things you can do and experience in a peaceful state :)
    & if I had to write all of them here I believe it’s gonna be a very long list :)
    This would be an amaaaaaaaaaazing topic: What we can do in a peaceful state :) If this topic appears again I’ll be sooooooooo happy to comment again and share some more good experiences with you :) <3<3<3<3<3

    1. With all my heart I thank you for takingare of the beautiful ladies and me with soooooooo much LOVE :) I feel the wonderful Hussey brothers are excellent in protecting women :) & I believe Matthew & Stephen are one of the most loooooooooving and warm-hearted men on this planet :) & I am very happy to be here :) Have an incredibly heart-touching day :) & looking forward to the next heart-touching moments in life :) <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

      1. Thanks so much for your lovely words and encouragement Susanne. Glad you’re enjoying the articles! x

  • Those articles keep getting better n better, thumbs up!
    It’s very interesting, informative and intriguing at the same time… I’m taking it word on the way guys think with the boxes and all…and I’m wondering if it’s the same for girls… Well I’m one (a girl I mean) and I don’t put guy in boxes…I mean not those same boxes anyways. I feel like for me there’s just a box 3. If the guy’s husband material then I’ll definitely be interested n invest my time n energy but otherwise I’m not interested, well except for potential friendships (platonic ones of course, the no sex even after 10 shots of whiskey type ;) and the Players can go to the left to the left ;)
    Sooo I guess I’m wondering if there’s such a “classification/categorization” for girls as well…

    1. You’ll have to enlighten me on that Mel ;) My personal theory is that men are more likely to blur the boundaries a bit more, and take more time to make up their mind about whether they want casual dating or commitment – the boxes tend to be subconscious and it’s not something men carefully calculate. Women tend to see men either as a friend – or as someone they could develop serious romantic feelings for.

      I think it’s important though to be open minded about these things – if you have too much of the attitude of “i need something serious or nothing at all” I think guys can get turned off by that because they feel like they are instantly being asked to step into a role that they have not yet decided about. So always be relaxed in the initial dating phase – enjoy it and use as your chance to learn more about him and see what kind of guy he is in many different scenarios. Your only priority in the beginning should be connecting and having fun, rather than trying to hope he’ll be husband material too early.

      Thanks for the comment Mel. :) x

      1. Lol I’m afraid I can’t enlighten u even if I’m one of them… After all, u and ur bro are the experts in women ;)
        But that second paragraph!!! I thk u just figured out my “problem”! I’m being way too picky and rigid in the first stages! Ure absolutely right! I should adopt the “funnel model” (is that even an English expression? :s ) Le modèle de l’entonnoir… Yeah it’s exactly that, be open minded n not picky in the beginning and meet lots of guys and getting to know them and gradually axe them lol until I find the right one.
        Anywayz thanx a lot for ur answer and yeah u should get started on a survey about girls n their boxes ;) I’m sure it would help the men out there to and if we girls r willing to work on ourselves to be able to tick box 3 then the misters should have the same opportunity to do so (if boxes there are). After all we all know lots of them guys need some work done huh ;)

  • Well, I am not sure how to show Sexual confidence. I do not know how to act attractive/ womenlike. I know it is somewhere in me but I do not know how to bring it up.

    Any tips?

    1. In conversation, say phrases that show you’re in touch with desire, and phrases that make him feel like a man. It could be telling him indirectly that there are certain qualities that turn you on in men e.g. “I’m really turned on when guys are strong and sensitive” or “I can’t resist men who do can pull of a leather jackets” – these are just tiny examples – they show that you are comfortable expressing what makes you attracted and showing your desires as a woman. Also you can be more feminine with your looks, or by using very light touch on his arm when you laugh at his joke.

      Thanks for the comment ema x

  • How do you go out with someone for a couple of months and see if its long term potential.

    I feel like it’s just wasting time if someone doesn’t want the same end results but than it comes across as needy and pushy?

    Need help in that area.


    1. You never want to rush someone. Judge him on his actions, not what he says. The best way is to invest, and see how he responds. Does he make time for you? Does he make an effort to impress you? Does he want you to meet his friends and spend quality time with him? These are the things to look for. But pressuring him to make a decision will only turn him off.

      All the best Sara,

      Steve x

      1. Hey Steve,

        “But pressuring him to make a decision will only turn him off.”

        It seems so often to be about whether the guy is pressured and he may run away or get turned off!

        What about how we feel as women?
        What about if we feel turned off and pressured?

        It seems a great deal of articles are about ‘his satisfaction’ how he might feel about the relationship !

        Oh please, help me out here, is the world so revolving about satisfaction for him, and how the world rotates around his life ?

        Relationships are about both involved … be yourself and if he’s the type who will be there for the long haul, you’ll both appreciate one another for who you are .. work through the challenges…

        As you mentioned Steve take the ‘ real time ‘ to know someone through ‘ all and every possible scenario ‘ … as their reactions to situations, gives you a greater scope of how it they will be in the future…

        Take care
        Bee x

  • I’m glad one of the Husseys finally gave some acknowledgement to the importance of looks.
    But I have to disagree with you Stephen. Looks are way more important than you or Matthew are willing to admit.
    Attraction comes first. If a guy doesn’t like what he sees, my initiating conversation with him isn’t going to change his lack of attraction for me.
    Even with my confidence, charisma, and smile….he wants a pretty face regardless.

    1. You are right that visual chemistry is important. Matthew has always said that this is one element of attraction, and devotes a section of the Get The Guy book to explaining why it is needed, so I don’t think it is something we have ever shied away from. But again I have to stress – looks get you *attention*. They do not get you long-term attraction, commitment, love, affection, nor do they make you irreplaceable to any guy. Looks are *always* replaceable.

      Also, attraction is a combination of both looks and everything else. Our contention has always been that your natural looks are never an excuse to stop anyone finding love, because (a) many people have different tastes and like MANY different looks, so you’ll always turn off/turn on different people and (b) you can do things to improve your looks through health, fitness, taking of yourself etc., which is what guys look for in girls they consider ‘keepers’. We’ll never attract everyone no matter what we look like – that’s life. But we can do way much more than people believe with what we have. Sexiness and charisma are not genetic qualities.

      Thanks for the response Cara.

      Steve x

      1. Yes Stephen, I hear what you are saying and I agree that attraction is a combination of qualities. It’s that initial ATTENTION that would be nice to have. I see men walk right past me to talk to another girl. It seems I have to be the one to initiate the conversations with men. I meet 3-4 new guys every week so I know it is only a matter of time before I find the right guy. I follow Matthew’s advice. I read his book and watched all of the Man Myth videos.

        I guess what I’m trying to say is that it would be nice to be one of those girls who just gets to sit around and look pretty instead of being the girl who has to ‘work the room’.

        1. Yes, Cara I hear you. I am one of those girls who tends to not get much attention or at least only sporadically. As I have grown older the little attention that I was getting has dwindled, quite predictably. But when I do get attention, it does feel great and makes me feel desirable, although sometimes I feel I can barely handle it since I am rather reserved and introverted. For the longest time, I did not even want a real relationship. I just wanted attention and wanted to be admired for my looks and that was fulfilling on its own. That desire is very real and very primal. To be genuinely admired, looked at and complimented, to be the belle of the ball, to not have to work a room and *always* make an effort….that is really quite something. Attention is nice in general but especially great from men….desirable men.

          I know what Steve and Matthew will say to someone like me-that I have self-esteem issues, or an attention problem (maybe even narcissistic tendencies) or desperately need validation . I do not base my self worth on looks (or any external indicators) nor do I particularly value them on their own.
          You see, I do have other qualities-I am well educated (went to an Ivy league school), well traveled, multilingual, funny, have many diverse interests, doing well career wise etc. While these qualities/achievements do impress others they do take time to be uncovered and discovered. Somehow, when I am not wearing a pretty dress and looking cute and being “bubbly”, I become invisible regardless of my achievements or personality/character traits. Character traits are the hardest and take the longest to be noticed let alone appreciated. In fact, even my parents took several years to realize and appreciate (not fully) some of my good qualities such as courage, resilience etc.

          Who has time to really get to know and understand others these days? This is the Age of Instant everything-messages, coffee, gratification. We humans are wired to make snap judgements and decisions (that are often surprisingly accurate, so this trait persists). What is obvious in the first few seconds of meeting someone? Their looks! And to some extent their outer personality, their mannerisms, gait etc.

          I do agree with Steve that of course looks only provide the initial interest and attraction is much more than that. But good looks certainly make things a lot easier, especially for a woman because between the sexes, women are prized more highly for their looks no matter a little slack in other departments.

          That said, for a real relationship, I would rather not have a man who was solely into my looks or prized them in any significant way. Looks will ultimately fade and youth has a short season. A man who is primarily concerned with a woman’s looks can easily be lured away by a prettier, younger woman. Who wants that? I want a man who will love me and think I am beautiful even with my false teeth and wrinkles.

          So while I enjoy and desire attention derived from looks, I feel that it is not so important for a real loving relationship. In fact it might even be detrimental because there are plenty of wolves who want trophy wives or to take advantage of beautiful women.

          I have wasted many years fretting over my looks only to realize that it ultimately means nothing. I see many ordinary women in loving relationships and beautiful women being cheated on. Besides, even if we have the attention of many men, we will marry only one (and hopefully stay married to the same one). So one awesome guy is all one really needs/wants.

  • This is a great article and I wish I had only read it a bit sooner–I was seeing a guy for about a month, once a week but talking regularly in between dates. He stated he wanted to be exclusive one night after cooking dinner for me. From there, it seemed like he pulled away. He wasn’t texting me first anymore and not even replying when I would send him an occasional message. I know the next few weeks are busy for him at work and asked if he even wanted to or had time to see me for a bit. He seemed to freak out suddenly and said we were going too fast and he wasn’t ready for a commitment when he was the one who brought up wanting to see only each other just the week before. Any advice on what happened?

  • All my links are tight except for the strong sense of purpose and the lifestyle that I love living (working on both of them after the move from the US to Europe – taking me some years here) so according to this article and my own understanding of myself I am definitely a wife/good partner material but I also easily fall into the first category because I never had problems attracting men and it’s been like this for 8 years now and it feels like it would never end. I am finally starting to recognize my own problems here and just launched a big internal work out with the help of some experts BUT what I wanted to say is this: It’s true that many times I felt like guys wouldn’t approach me because they were intimidated even though I’m no model, but I am attractive and I am only now learning about stronger signals to give to them, usually it’s the eye contact that I rely on but there has to be enough time and I feel like the bar scene is the best for it but then it’s a catch 22 as because I meet them in bars so many are just interested in quick hook ups and even if they later realize I am much more than just that it’s too late – they already judged me and the situation (especially if it’s guys my age, mid to late 30s – just because I slept with them on the fist night or after the first few dates I am automatically not “the mother of their children”), there are some evolved men that can actually look pass the sex on the first date/meeting situation and these are the strongest most confident type. …When, I’m asking, when can men just stop that whole pathetic thing – we are humans TOO, we TOO want sex, for christ’s sake. It’s OK for him to sleep with me early on but it’s not OK for me??

  • Enjoying what you have to say Steve. You’re articles seem to indicate depth, intelligence and self reflection. The high value traits you mention are also very attractive qualities in a man. I know a lot of women with these qualities who are committed to growing and learning about themselves and relationships. In contrast the I men I meet seem to me to have great potential but little desire to grow and change. I do not want to do them an injustice as I believe they are doing their very best. Wondering what it is that encouraged you and Matt to learn and grow and if you have any idead about how all these things that women do to grow can be made appealing to men? Or do I need to change the circles I move in, Or my hopes for these high value traits in a man?


    1. I used to not care about looking good, but if you just put together a basic wardrobe where anything you pick will flatter you, and don’t have any sloppy clothes to wear outside the house, it won’t be much work to look nice. Just the basic personal hygiene + easy clothes. For example, jeans and a few good T-shirts.

  • guys usually put me in the box é as u said, “the casual datting girl” but the thing is, i wanna move to the box n°3, how can i do that??

  • is it possible to get stuck on box1 or box3? i just want box2..once they start talking about kids and stuff i get scared and leave. i’m only 21

  • One of my favorite articles you have written so far. I really enjoyed it.
    So from what people have told me I come off as a strong Box 3. I’m marriage material apparently. I’ve had guy friends explain this to me. What is happening is this limits my dating pool to men who are ready to settle down. Guys won’t date me because of this. My problem is I’m not ready to “settle down” so the whole future talk gets annoying, and I’m also missing out on all the great guys who avoid me as soon as they find out I’m a Box 3. Any advice?

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