Today’s video will give you a simple test to figure out if you’re in a backburner relationship, and provide you with the mindset you need to give your current one its best shot.
Would love it if you left me a comment with your thoughts. What does “micro-cheating” mean to you?
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Matthew:
There’s no shame in a relationship not working out, but it’s a shame if it doesn’t work out because the whole time you spent your time in it, you didn’t actually go all in.
Stephen:
So this was an article in Psychology Today that talked about how “back burners” are people with whom one maintains contact in the hope of someday pursuing a romantic or sexual encounter. And what it basically said is that roughly 70 something percent of singles have back burners, but more troubling, basically over half, about 56% of those in committed relationships have, according to this survey, let’s always take these with a pinch of salt. These are limited surveys, et cetera, but it is in Psychology Today. About 56% of those in committed relationships reported having a back-burner person or relationship. That does seem kind of high, doesn’t it, 52%? Or do you think that’s fairly human that people would have some kind of backup option in mind?
Matthew:
Well, it depends what you call a backup option. I think that it’s probably not high if you just define that back-burner thing as someone who you just haven’t explicitly said, no, there’s nothing between us and they also don’t know that you’re with someone and you kind of even casually keep the thing alive by texting. Then if that’s considered a back-burner because you know that there is some underlying attraction there, even if it’s not spoken, then it’s probably not high. That probably is fairly realistic.
Stephen:
And do we count that as a form of… I mean, is that just another shade of infidelity? Is it just a kind of micro cheating as they might say?
Matthew:
If you’re continuing to engage someone and you’re in a relationship and you, especially, if it turns flirtatious, you avoid telling them you’re in a relationship and in truth, if you find yourself going out of your way to not tell those individuals that you are in a relationship, I think that’s where you have to suspect yourself, is if you’re talking to someone who you claim is just a friend, but you’re not actually making it explicit that you are in a relationship. That, to me then strays into that territory, especially if it would be organic to do so. If someone says, what have you been up to and you happen to have been with your boyfriend or girlfriend for the last two weeks, or you’ve just been on vacation with them and you fail to mention that, then that to me, starts to stray into that territory.
Stephen:
Yeah, I think that’s right. But you also have these people where they would know you’re in a relationship, but if there’s some kind of subtle way where you are both keeping in contact as a like, well, we do have something and maybe we’ll see if we’re both single again, maybe we’ll give each other a call. And you’re kind of just keeping them there to know, “Hey, I’m here, if you break up with that person.”
Matthew:
Well, yeah, I mean, it’s tricky. If you’ve hooked up before with that person, then firstly, your partner in my opinion, deserves to know that, oh, this is, I’m maintaining a relationship here, but I have actually been with this person. That then should be something that you’re sensitive to with your partner. If it were the other way round. And our partner was friends with someone that they had been with, and now they’re staying friends with them and it’s an active friend. It’s one thing to be cordial with someone. It’s another thing to have an active friendship with someone that you’re maintaining, that you’re regularly texting them. You’re regularly having conversations with them. That’s a different thing. And I think it becomes, if you’re not careful, people can turn it into a form of, it’s like not really committing to the person you’re with.
Stephen:
Yeah. And it can almost be a way of slow self-sabotage because you’re inviting another presence to create jealousy, to create conflict and create problems that otherwise wouldn’t exist if you weren’t maintaining this.
Matthew:
Exactly. And then you have to say, well, how important is it? How worth it is it? What’s the reason I’m doing this?
Stephen:
Yeah. I think for some people, I think just the times we live in, it becomes irresistible for people to… I think they start with keeping tabs on their ex and then it might be checking in occasionally. And then it might be commenting and saying, hello. And I think it can become this kind of just keeping tabs. Like maybe if they’re ever single again, we’ll, I’ll hit them up or something. It’s just, there’s so many shades of gray. And it’s a thing, because I don’t want to create paranoia or anything. And I think that is a problem with our time where people have so many sources to talk to other people, everyone becomes so paranoid of, is someone cheating on me, is someone on social media flirting with other people, but they just think, well, I just want to keep a hand in the-
Matthew:
Yeah. I’m a big believer that when you’re still leaving the door open to those different options, you’re actually denying the relationship you’re in the chance to be all that it can be, because you’re not actually seeing who you are when you cut off your options and go all in. You’re not seeing how the relationship can evolve from a place of true security, true safety, real commitment. And there’s no shame in a relationship not working out, but it’s a shame if it doesn’t work out because the whole time you’ve spent your time in it, you didn’t actually go all in. That to me is time… That’s time wasted because you’re not going and doing other things. You’re not dating other people. It’s not like you are actually going out with any of those people that you’re “keeping on the back burner.”
You’re not, but you’re also not fully invested in the situation you’re in. You’re somewhere in no man’s land. Now that I’m thinking about it, when you talk about the whole back burner thing, that is an indication of our unwillingness to be present with the situation we’re in. It’s a way of not choosing. And, on our Retreat, we talk about how answers are a reward for doing things. We talk about this on day one of the Retreat. If you want answers in life, you have to actually go and do something. If you want answers about what the right career is, you do actually have to taste some careers. You do actually have to go and try something. You do actually have to immerse yourself in something. And that starts to give you answers. You can’t get answers by just sitting there and intellectualizing everything.
And I don’t think you can get answers from a relationship by being halfway in. You get answers by, if you decide, you know what, I’m actually going to give this a shot. I’m not talking about on day three of meeting someone or week three, even. But if you’ve decided to have a committed relationship with someone, then that’s the time to say right now, I don’t know if this is going to be forever or not, but right now this is what I’m going to do. And I’m going to do it really well. And I’m going to see what it can be.
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Matthew:
What’s up guys? Before you go anywhere, and I hope you enjoyed that video, I want to make sure that all of you know about a program I have called The Momentum Texts, which so many of you still don’t have. This is a program that I created to overcome what I think is one of the great problems of our time in dating, which is things not going anywhere. Whether you are burned out from being stuck on dating apps or whether you’re dating someone and it’s not materializing into a real relationship, this program gives you 67 counter-intuitive text messages that you can send or say in conversation that will get you momentum with someone you like. It’s incredibly practical. I hate generic dating advice. I don’t think it helps people. I think when people know exactly what to say and do, that’s what moves them forward. And that’s what this program does.
To get your copy, go to MomentumTexts.com. And before you ask, no, it’s not free, but it’s barely more than the price of a coffee at one of those fancy coffee shops that you go to. I know you go there. I know you spend like six bucks on a latte. Well, this is seven bucks and it will actually change your dating life. Go check it out, MomentumTexts.com.
my partner for 5 years screenshotted pictures of an earlier sex partner/ex, several times. He kept and watched videos of several exes while they had sex, and he’s addicted to sex and blowjobs so I found videos of his exes blowing him so many times on his phone and mac. He always got defensive, angry, gaslighting me and always said the material came up when he was going through old files looking for something else, and that he deleted it, but he kept on having something to watch that was not me. We also made videos togheter, but obviously I feel like that was never enough for him. He screenshotted pictures of his ex’s from facebook and edited it with pictures of her blowing him. I was pregnant the first time i dicovered this, and i’ve been so in love with him and commited to stay with him for the rest of my life. but i’ve been extemely depressed and insecure about this, and he just doesnt seem to care enough about my feelings and keep on. I consider his behavour cheating and cheating again and again and again. We have a child together and he’s been gaslighting me a lot, also blamed me for my range and depression because of his infidelity.. i never managed to leave because our child and that i really wanted a family. I also have another child that lives with us and hes been a dad to. I feel like there’s no chance i would ever want to meet someone else and start over, i do not want that, and i have tho baby daddies, and i just dont want another man in my life ever again.. I really thought i had found my person, it have taken a long time for me to both understand and accept that he never felt enough for me to stop his hurting behaviour, and i thought i had found some one that wouldnt ever keep doing this, because that is something i can never be cool with what so ever. I feel like i’ve lived a lie/fantasy and wasted my love and time and will be forever alone, im so hurt and insecure. and i never feel like he will understand. I’ve given up.