There’s a lot I don’t like about Valentines day. It makes people in relationships feel pressured, and it makes single people feel inadequate.
The former group have to go out and find something to do so as not to look like they don’t care about each other. They pay astronomical prices in an overcrowded restaurant for the same wine and pasta that cost a third of the price the week before, and buy some plastic crap with hearts and clichéd teddy bears on it. It becomes a day of merchandise and extortion for those who feel coerced into doing something for their partner.
Then there are the latter group, the singletons, thrust into a feeling of lacking as every business promotion, television ad, and shop window is full of images of what they don’t have. Consequently they either become depressed about not having someone, they rebel against the idea of having someone altogether, or they throw themselves into a fit of action fuelled by the panic that time is running out.
The truth is I very much like holidays. They force us to celebrate, create memories, and express how we feel about each other at least once a year. But I can’t help but think that this is where the tragedy lies for many relationships. Valentines, like many other holidays, becomes a rushed effort to make up for what we haven’t done in the other 364 days of the year.
It’s seen in the case of the workaholic man who after ignoring his spouse’s needs for the last six months buys her a Cartier bracelet in an effort to pay off all of his emotional debt. Or the woman who decides she’s going to wear or do something really sexy in the bedroom which she could have excited him with year round!
Unfortunately, nothing we do on one day will even out what we haven’t done the rest of the year. A day is just a day – no matter how romantic the restaurant or how expensive the jewellery – our relationships are the measure of our averages, not the intensity of one day.
Wonderful one off acts are a little like a sugar rush – massive highs which quickly disappear once normality sets back in.
This notion both takes the pressure off of Valentines day (you don’t need to perform a miracle, it won’t improve your relationship long term anyway) and puts the pressure on for the whole of the rest of the time, but in a more manageable way.
So why am I saying this? Is the purpose of this article merely to deflate the guy or girl who just booked a romantic experience for this evening? Should you now take back the jewellery and save your money if it’s not going to work anyway?
The answer of course is no. Enjoy the romance, enjoy the experience, and have fun watching that amazing reaction we all love when someone appreciates a beautiful gift.
But I’d like to offer a different perspective on this day than the one created by companies who want to make you believe that you’re not enough without getting their product as a gift for your partner. It goes like this:
What if Valentines day was like New Years day, but for your love life?
Let’s think about New Years day for a moment. It’s a time when we like to hit the reset button on our lives. We make resolutions, we think about goals we want to reach, and if we’re really proactive, we make a plan on how we are going to get there.
Well what about creating ‘Love life Resolutions’…
I want you to imagine that this year’s Valentines day is a ‘Love Life Reset’. It’s a time for you to make resolutions in your love life. If you’re a in a relationship it might be a resolution about the way you are going to treat your partner. It might be a new standard for how much you listen; or for your level of empathy. It might revolve around the amount of time you give to this person on a daily or weekly basis. It might be a decision to become more invested in their interests, goals and ambitions. Maybe it’s putting all of the important dates – anniversaries, birthdays etc – in your calendar now so that you’re ready for them when they come around.
What could be more romantic than a genuine commitment to your partner about what you are going to do and be for them over the next 12 months? This is how we can really show we care.
By the way, you may choose to tell them this resolution, or you may choose to just let your actions speak for you over the weeks and months. Either way, I want you to look back in three months time at how much your relationship has improved with this focused attention.
Now if you’re single, your resolution will be a commitment to yourself. Instead of letting Valentines panic or frustrate you, use it as a time to plan some really positive changes.
Your resolutions may involve a commitment to going out and meeting new people a certain number of times a week. It might be a commitment to taking more risks with the people you are attracted to when you see them. It might be a commitment to working on areas of your confidence that aren’t strong right now.
Looking at the situation this way will allow you to make genuine progress over the coming weeks, instead of feeling powerless.
With this in mind here are three quick tips in creating your new ‘love life resolutions’:
1) Start small
Just like any goal, your love life resolutions should start small. Trying to improve every part of your love life in one go will lead to overwhelm and you’ll end up doing nothing. Achieving these resolutions is paramount to moving things to the next level.
2) Target your weak areas
Be honest about where you suck right now. If you’re a bad listener, be honest about it and look to fix it. If you don’t show enough interest in your partner’s passions, build your resolution around that. It’s not enough just to build on areas where you are already strong – they will give you the least payoff.
3) Start today
In whatever small way you can, show your intent by beginning your love life resolution today – if you do you are likely to see some immediate small pay-offs in the next 7 days which will reinforce the behaviour.
So there it is. A new approach to Valentines day.
What if this became a day we look forward to because of all the positive changes we make when it comes about? It could actually become something really meaningful. I would promote it non-stop.
The bottom line is this. The little things we all do in our love lives over the next twelve months are going to determine how we feel by the time next Valentines day comes around.
If we are in a relationship one year from now, we should be able to laugh at Valentines as merely another day in the calendar when we treat our partner like royalty (no different from any other day). Even the idea of spontaneity can be tame if we’ve been spontaneous in our relationship year-round. If we’re single one year from now, we’ll be able to look at all the things we are doing to dramatically improve our love lives, without feeling depressed that we have wasted another year.
After all, I believe it’s not the fact that we are alone that most pains us, it’s the knowledge that we could be doing more to change it.
There is a wonderful line put forward by Keith Cunningham which I try to remember at least once a day: “Ordinary things done consistently produce extraordinary results”.
So there’s no need to worry about today. Instead of rushing around to make someone feel extra special, spend that time thinking about how you are going to make that person feel special for the next 12 months – including yourself. The results I promise you will be far grander.
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Bits and bobs to finish…
Leave a comment… What do you think of this new approach to Valentines? Does it make you like the holiday more?
If you want more like this… Check out my online training programme The Man Myth. This is the complete A–Z, it will give you more ideas for resolutions that you know what to do with (whether you’re single or in a relationship), and get you excited about the idea of implementing them. Use today as a chance to hit reset and get access to the videos right away.
Contest winner!
This is for the caption contest I ran last week on the US GetTheGuy book cover. We had some really great entries, and thank you to everyone who left a comment! We’ll be having more contests for you to enter coming up very soon.
My favourite caption, one that made me crack up when reading it, was from Amanda: “If you liked it’d then you should have put a bow tie on it! (in a Beyonce style)”. I now can’t stop playing that song in my head with those words, so thank you for that Amanda! My team will be getting in touch very shortly to book your two spots on the GetTheGuy Tour…
**The dates and locations for which are going to be announced this Sunday! Set the date in your diary, it’s going to be big.**
Photo credits: QThomasBower
Hi, Matt.
I absolutely agree with you. I mean, I was never a fan of Valentine’s day, it’s merely commercial. It was based on a romantic story, but now it’s all about teddy bears, chocolates and expensive gifts. It has lost it’s meaning, just like any other holidays. I believe that Valentine’s day is every single day and every single time you do something special for your significant other. Why wait for a specific day, when everything thing is pink and hearts, to show you love someone or to declare your love? Just do it. You love your partner every single day, not just one day of the year, right? I was never a fan, not even when I was kid (maybe, because I never got many Valentine day cards aha!) but I still think it’s an unnecessary holiday.
I loved your idea of turning Valentines day in New Years Valentine day. It’s great. I should apply it.
The fun thing is, if I say this to any of my friends, they would think of me as one bitter single girl who hates couple and love.
thanks for the article matt… its owesome..
way to go :)))))
Love the write up. I really dont get the hype up about valentines day. If one is in a relationship, you shouldnt wait till its the holidays to show your loved one that you care.
Like the suggestion about thinking of valentines day as the new year day.
Well done…
This post has taught me to take risk and give myself a chance to improve my love life.Well I think you are right about the Vday messing up with our love lives :P … so going to make similar resolutions as mentioned above not going to rush on things though but will be consistent in my efforts :) … I liked the fact ‘Ordinary things done consistently produce extraordinary results’ Thank you for this post :)
Hi Matthew,
Yesterday I received some roses at work from an unknown sender and was thrilled only to find out today that they were meant for someone’s girlfriend. Like you say, it’s too easy to get caught up in standardised romantic notions on Valentine’s Day. Thank you for your letter. I can now dust off the bitter sweet start of my day and remember that I’m more of a wild flower girl anyway.
I agree with you,but in my opinion Valentine’s Day is just another way for you and your partner to show each other how much they care and love…
I loved reading this and agree so much with it :)
Matthew,
Seeing your email in my email box is like chocolate pairs up with a glass of red wine. It always puts a smile on me. Thank you.
My co-worker Katie (who’s single currently) says that best thing about Valentine’s Day is 50% off on chocolate after Valentine’s Day. I can’t argue with that. Ha
I love a lot of your ideas. Highlight two ideas here that I embrace most:
1- Being creative
2-Treating Valentine’s Day as a New Year to make the relationship better
Thank you, Matthew. So looking forward to your book in April
Hi Matthew,
I just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with everything you said. I’m currently single, so yesturday wasn’t that great of a day for me. But I really like what you’ve posted here on your blog and it really makes alot of sense to me. I think that is what I’m going to start doing: Making resolutions to improve myself and be more proactive about life and a love life.
Oh, and yesturday wasn’t a total disaster for me, because it was my 23rd birthday!
Tiffany
Why Valentines day sucked – I got dumped
What made Valentines day got awesome – I bought the ‘Get the Guy’ book so I can finally find a man worthy of my time and effort!
Here’s to grabbing life by the balls (and grabbing the balls of any other c**t who thinks its ok to dump a gal on Valentine’s day and ripping them off….angry lady rant over)
Thanks Matthew, really loving the book! X
I think you’re taking Valentine’s Day way too seriously and reading too much into it. If you had a horrible time on Valentine’s Day, you’re insecure and need to take care of yourself get a life! Whether you’re married or single, why can’t you just be secure in who you are, the relationships you have, enjoy your life, and appreciate the ones you love? I had a FABULOUS Valentine’s Day as a single person enjoying the company of a good friend and joking about our love! Why not just be positive and enjoy the holiday for yourself and for others? I understand it can be a hard day if you’ve recently experienced deep pain or heartbreak and are missing someone, but there are always positive things to focus on.
No need to be a kill joy.
True romance is spontaneous and Valentine’s Day is contrived – they are opposites in my mind.
Matthew,
I look at Valentine’s Day as a special opportunity to tell all of the people in my life that I love them–parents, siblings, spouse, children, nieces, friends, everyone who is important to me. If we take the “couples” exclusiveness out of the holiday, it is more enjoyable for everyone.
Thanks for all you do,
Rose
Hola Matt!!
I think this is the most inspiring articles you’ve written so far. I live in Argentina, and here we have a holiday for everything, literally. Friend’s Day (july 20th) Lover’s Day (august 19th-no one publicly celebrates it if you know what I mean) Couples Day (Sept 20th) Spring Day, Student’s Day, Teacher’s Day,Women’s Day,Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Children’s Day, the Carnaval, the historical hollidays (an average of two per month), the typical (New Years,Christmas or Hanukkah, Easter, etc) and the imported ones (chinese NY,Halloween and Valentines).
I don’t mind most of them, actually I love them, but I draw the line at the imported ones. Chinese New Year I get,we have a large chinese community in Buenos Aires. Halloween, I used to enjoy it as a kid, now I think less and less of it (besides it’s becoming less popular). But valentine’s really bothers me. Not because I am single , but because we already have other holidays that celebrate the same thing.
I rather hear a man say to me “I love you” every other thay than have him giving me red roses and a perfume on the day that every person is doing the same. With my ex-boyfriend we used to celebrate our own Valentine’s Day on a diferent date, we used to call it our Anniversary.
I really loved how you came up with the idea of the love life resolutions, I’ll take it into account. Maybe they’ll make me hate Valentine’s a bit less hahahaha.
Keep up the good work :)
Saludos,
Celi
Valentine’s Day is a Day to show Love. Not only for couple but to everyone. Yes! Showing Love is a day’s act but it still counts that it has been given a day out of many others & recognized & accepted worldwide. Your concept is really good, seeing it as a day of reflection & making new resolutions. But in general, Love can’t be quantified or qualified, it’s Love so celebrate if you must or don’t celebrate if you must’nt, Valentine’s day will still be Valentine’s Day but you can decide to make yours different by making everyday Valentine’s Day for yourself, your spouse/partner, for your family & friends & everyone else. At the end, you sign off ‘From your Valentine’ & anyone of the above mentioned will feel appreciated.
valentines day is but another day in the year! aka day of unimaginative, consumerist-oriented, manipulative, compleatly arbitrary, shallow interpretation of romance day!! Yh not big fan, Im not all bitter singleton lol but for the reasons stated it does seem false sentiment imo there IS pressure for couples to show their love and single folk to find it all for this one perfect romantic day; full of cliched nonsense gifts, like the roses that die away, the words in the cards may be nice but day to day actions shout volumes to me! Thats what I like about you Matt you never cease to amaze! its a fab idea to use as day of reflection to areas of improvement in yourself/lovelife; this is my interpretation,?! also I think you need to look at self “improvements” self awearness weather in a relationship or not (I dislike the idea of new years resolutions, just small daily goals!!)very thought provoking stuff thanks! :)
I now like Valentine’s Day much better! Thanks for the new perspective! Plus I am going to go out and buy my own heart shaped box of chocolates next year whether there is a man in my life or not, because I deserve it and I don’t have to wait for a “Valentine” to do it :)
I made my Valentine’s day a nice experience. I was organizing one event this week and we had a lot of flowers left, so on 14th when I travelled to our head office I just took them with me and gave it to ladies at our HR office. It cheered them up and there was one of my colleagues standing and he immediately gave me one of these tulips back and wished me happy Valentine :) Then I met one colleague I really like and wished him happy Valentine, he smiled and wished me the same back…To make it clear, he has a girlfriend now, so our options are limited, but we still can be a bit playfull with each other. Like – he guided us in our warehouse and one part was full of chocolate, so the other day I was just playfull saying ‘Watchout, I’m planning a big chocolate robbery’ and he responded in a very playfull flirty way actually complimenting me. So I enjoyed a lot of creation on Valentines indeed;).
That’s a nice way of thinking about Valentine’s day. Personally I’m not a fan if the day for all the reasons you stated. I’ll try this approach and see what happens.
I dont understand why everyone criticizes this day? Dont we celebrate Mothers day ? or Fathers day? I dont hear anyone says ” why dont we give gifts to them other days? the price of the flowers and gifts also go up those days right? oh and should ” single women without kids” feel bad on mothers day? Most of us dont appreciate our parents 364 days and all of a sudden we just buy a flower to appreciate decades of their nonstop love and care? Well the thing is its just a universal day and as a lover you feel special that day ……….. On the other side I dont think people should follow same routines. I love chocolate and wine and would love to get those on valentines day but I also like to do something very special ( kinda your resolution type of action). Providing care for a child in africa together for a year ( costs 20/month meaning 120 for a year for each person and im sure this is less than most of what people spend). This way we share our love across the world and thats how LOVE GROWS between humans (in my opinion of course! ) . Sorry if this comment is not as nice as others and by no means I want to disagree with your article ( as mentioned I agree on not following routines). But I think having a day to remind us is better than not having it at all. Im single myself and didn’t receive any gifts ( beside a text from VIBER! ) but I enjoyed the energy of people that day! ;)