Back On The Today Show: He’s Just Not Ready For A Relationship?

I’ve just been back on The Today Show for another instalment of ‘The Other View’. Here’s the video. Enjoy!

(Having trouble viewing this? Try this link.)

From the video…

–Why does a guy tell a girl she’s really great, but that he’s just not ready for a relationship?

The first (and not so nice) reason is that he doesn’t really think she’s that great. The second is that he’s not at the right stage of his ‘blueprint’.

The clever thing guys can get you to think is that they ‘just haven’t thought about any of this’. The truth is that he’s thought TOO MUCH about it. He’s thought about his future and where he wants to be in certain areas, whether now is the right time for commitment, or whether he should be focusing on his career instead.

If the right woman comes along at the wrong stage of his blueprint, he’s likely to end up saying, ‘not right now’ – unless she knows how to change his blueprint.

We call this the ‘rare gemstone effect’. 

Don’t assume a guy can’t change his blueprint. But certain things have to happen for a guy to do so.

When a guy likes a woman whom he thinks is rare, he can suddenly start to question his blueprint.

What you need to learn is how to create the ‘rare gemstone effect’, show a guy you’re someone he’s discovered, and that he won’t find someone like you again.

–When a guy says he’s ‘not much of a texter’, does that really mean he doesn’t text much? Or that he just doesn’t want to talk? Should this be a red flag?

A guy can say this in an attempt to lower your expectations initially.

In relationships we have rules and we have standards.

I go into this in depth in my most recent video. A standard is a certain level of love that someone needs to show you.

If you can focus on the standard and not the rule, you’re going to be a lot happier. 

People have to decide what’s important to them and what’s not. If he can show you he cares, that he’s thinking about you, and that he loves you in other ways, this shouldn’t matter.

If it’s a symptom of him not meeting your standards, then it’s something that you definitely need to call into question.

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59 Replies to “Back On The Today Show: He’s Just Not Ready For A Relationship?”

  • Matthew-

    At what point in a relationship is it appropriate for a woman to tell a man she’s waiting til marriage? It’s always been an insecurity since it seems like most men don’t appreciate that quality or find it to be a “deal breaker”.

    Things are going great with a guy but I’m worried that it will end once I tell him. Yes, I know that if it does then he’s not the right one for me. Could this be my “real gem” quality?

  • Matthew,

    I wasn’t sure where the best place to ask this was but I do have a question. Although before I ask, I just want to let you know that your videos and e-mailed blogs keep coming at the ideal time. I have met someone and it is new and I have even used several of the techniques you have talked about and they do seem so far to work however, here is my question. How does a girl tell a guy what her standards are without coming off pushy or needy? In other words, you make some great points about not being with a guy just because he likes you but invest in one that invests in you etc. this new guy I have met, I am okay with not having a “commitment” talk because we have only hung out twice but even though we have made plans to go to California for a quick trip ( plans made by me ) he hasn’t really attempted to see me before then and aside from one small incident, I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks by the time we go. I know he’s not much of a texter and I can accept that but I am sure you have heard this before from women…BUT I do have a standard that I WANT and NEED to be WANTED. I need to know a guy is interested and is willing to make a move or at least let me know he is thinking of me even if we can’t see each other all the time. we both have crazy schedules. I just want the effort to be made SO taking your advice, I don’t want to settle or accept that I haven’t gotten it. No excuses he does seem like he is shy or can be and isn’t a typical guy when it comes to taking control BUT I still don’t see any reason why if a guy that says he does like me, doesn’t make the effort to let me know he wants to see me. I don’t want to always be the one to do it. I don’t want to be the one coming off needy. I want to be chased too. Like I said I am sure this is not anything new to your ears but now I just want to know before I drop out of this completely because I tend to shut down when I feel like someone doesn’t like me back,(I don’t want to be that girl btw – yes I have seen all of your videos) but how do I let him know just in case he is just shy what my standards are so that he will know I am High Value and have my standards but I don’t want to make him feel pressure and in the end I can at least get the answers I need whether I like what I receive back or not? I hope I am making sense. I have recognized that my confidence is lacking a little because otherwise it probably wouldn’t bother me BUT I do know what I deserve. I am just not entirely convinced he’s not worthy yet, maybe it’s just new and I’m even assuming the worst too soon. I haven’t seen anywhere where you answer this so I wanted to ask for your advice on this if possible? Of course I like him but I don’t want to feel down just because I assume or over analyze too much.

    Thank you! Your videos and words in general have really changed my outlook on many things! I’m diving in head first but it’s scary too.

    1. P.S. I did forget to add he DOES send me a message everyday though at least to ask me how my day was or to let me know what is up to etc…or if he couldn’t respond he will tell me why…and apologize…there are other countless things he has done that makes me see he is interested but then no plans have been made by him…

  • Hi Matthew! Thank you for all you share with us. I think you are the ONLY true, honest “Matchmaker” online!
    You are so genuine. You were the only good reason to watch the TV show!
    I have bought your book and read all your posts but I am still having trouble.
    I moved to a VERY SMALL town a few years ago and cannot get a date. I am attractive, I am fun, I flirt and get flirted with lots but the only men that ask me out are married or 25+ my senior. I am in my late 40’s but people think am early to mid forties. Oh in this VERY small town is to meet men as clients at the business I work at. I work in a business that many men come to(construction).
    There have been a few men that have flirted LOTS and there is mutual attraction. They tell me about their accomplishments which is great and I commend them on their hard work and let them know how many people told me how great they do at their job. They comment to me how I am the hardest working person at this company. I tell them, Thank you.. I give everything my all. I greet them every time with a smile and often have a flirty banter with them. I feel the tension we have and am I interested but that’s it……Nothing…The interest is there but nothing happens. I may be a idiot but I think the attraction is mutual. OR am I just so out of it after being out of dating scene for so long. Please Matthew Please, please help me out here. 1 of the guys that flirts lots is about 10yrs my jr. He told a friend of mind age is just a number which I totally agree. He looks 5-8 years older then his true age. Ok I have to admit I do still blush when we tease each other. Ok what can I do to move forward. Thanks so much!

  • Hey Matt, as ever wise words (you really are the best!) and great advice, especially enjoyed the bit about rules and standards. Flirting aside (she’s always touching you!), not sure how you put up with Kathie! Perhaps her calling you inexperienced is an example of breaking rapport??! All in the name of fun I understand but wow, the US do treat their guests differently to what we’re used to in the UK! Starting to think all US presenters need a taste of the Russell Brand medicine :)

  • Thanks Matt for your great advice, but how on earth do you deal with those over-the-top annoying women who interrupt you all the time!! They drove me crazy, trying to listen to you! (and that is from a girl writing) :)x

  • Hello Matt,
    Wow, those girls are vicious! I thought the comment made about your wisdom even though you are young and “inexperienced” was kind of hilarious considering that inexperienced is probably the last thing you are, otherwise you would not be doing this!

  • I really want to watch this! Why isn’t the video coming up???

    I posted a tweet about it but it doesn’t come up?

      1. The box is not quite big enough for the video. If you look in the very bottom left hand corner of the video you can see a pause symbol, click on thid and the video starts. enjoy xxx

  • Matthew.

    Your posts always make my day. I stumbled across your website, gosh I don’t know–a long time ago, and you have really helped me to start thinking of myself as a high-value woman. Your book was phenomenal (I bought it for all my friends) and I think the world is lucky to have someone like you. Your insights, positivity, and brilliant advice not only on love but on how to live a happy and fulfilling life are truly priceless. Thank you <3


  • Why cant I view this video on my galaxy 2? It isn’t a tap video like the rest. Do I need adobe flash for thid one? There is just a blue circle.

  • hey matt,
    i do exactely that blueprint thing to guys and for the same reason you said. thanks for the video :)

  • First of all, I have to tell you how much I love your book, reading your blog, and seeing you on the today show. Your tips and insights have helped me tremendously.

    I have a slight dilemma that I’m hoping you can help me with. A few months ago I started dating a guy from Wales who happens to be 50, never married and never had kids. I don’t think he has ever had a really serious relationship with anyone. During our second or third date we had a discussion about the American tradition of the man always paying for the bill when he takes a woman out. He said in England it is normally split between the two. I agreed that I didn’t think the woman should always assume that the man should pick up the tab. We took a trip to Orlando together and we did split everything there – we each paid for our own Disney tickets and meals. Now, whenever we go out he assumes we will split the tab. I am not comfortable with this, I would prefer to take turns paying than to split the bill. We get along very well so I don’t want this to be a huge issue but I would like to get your input on this as a relationship coach and a man.

    Thanks for giving us women someone to reach out to for advice!

  • I feel so sorry for Matthew because Eva Longoria is with Ernesto now. I think it was really painfull for him when they asked about it. I wonder if Matthew and Eva are still friends and if yes, how he will deal with this situation.
    Although I know Matthew won’t admit that the relationship of Eva and Ernesto makes him feel rejected, I still hope he will make a video about this topic in general one day because I am in the same situation.

    Love and kisses from the Netherlands!

    1. I did notice his face was quite interesting. Not upset, it was more sort of that his face had that glow somebody’s face get when they hear you talk about that somebody special in a dating context.

    1. hi Naida,

      In your inbox at the lower part u can see and read
      If you no longer wish to receive our emails, click the link below:
      (unsubscribed:) just click :) bye

  • that blonde host is just very annoying uuuh she cant let the guests tell their answers about questions she just wants to laugh and joke around ! well go and do that with your friends not here… i would looove to kill her can i have that owner please ? she needs to stop telling her openions alot like if she was the guest .. other than that why do they put two hosts who have different openions in same time ? anyway thanks Mathew for all the good info … keep it up

  • Hi Matt,
    I’m not sure If I’m allowed to send you an email… but hey I kinda feel like I know you lol, one sided yes I know!
    Firstly I want to say congrats to you, you have just got better and better over the years, full of really true honest knowledge, that your willing to share!
    I really love the way your videos are always relevant over the past few years.
    I am in a dilemma of wondering why he doesn’t want anything more?
    I just watched your video on he doesn’t want a relationship… bingo that’s my problem
    History: Lets call him “Spunk” which yes he is… Spunky (38) moved in with me as a flatmate and we had major chemistry… think both of us realised this straight away. ( in the first 30 secs.)
    Spunk has come from a failed marriage of 14 years and one child together( he actually married this woman twice) and he also had a previous partner who he has two children too (grown up now)
    Both these relationships were hard I imagine, one cheating on him with his best friend, and the other one was an awfully overpowering demanding relationship. But he doesn’t seem bitter about it and talks in a very positive way about them.
    I (31) too have have come from a failed marriage of 13 years, it was an unhealthly marriage pretty much the whole time, with him cheating on me throughout the whole marriage.
    Spunk and I got on really well, and we started to sleep together within a couple of weeks of living together ( I had only ever slept with my husband before this) He was fitting in with my two children, my life, and everyone in my life. He also included me into his life, meet all his family etc…. but no one knows we were anything more than flatmates, he didn’t want anyone to know. But we have that type of amazing chemistry, that others did pick up on.
    Spunk showed no public signs of affection, but while it was just us, he would love to cuddle and kiss etc, even though essentially I was the one to initiate most of the time.
    So he has been completely open to me about not wanting a relationship, saying he wasn’t ready, he would remind me usually after sex, that we shouldn’t really be doing this as it would only make us bond more and emotions will get involved, the first time I was like the girl you shared about in your book, when you told her you weren’t looking for a relationship, I played it cool… and we would back off from each other physically for a couple of days, but then it would happen all over again.
    Spunk decided we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so was best to move out, he explained that he was starting to really look forward to seeing me after work, and wanted to kiss and greet me like I was his wife which scared him, and that we had just fallen straight into being husband and wife roles.. which is true.
    He said before moving out he wanted to stay in touch, and we will make sure we do something every week together, (we both live really busy lives) He didn’t know where we would go in our “relationship” but that he really liked me and I was exactly what he would look for in a partner, but he wasn’t ready now, as he needs to work on himself.
    I do believe him that he wants to work on himself, as he thinks he needs to work on all the baggage from his previous relationships before dragging them into a new one.
    So since leaving,(3weeks) he doesn’t text or call, I have seen him a couple of times, but more just running into each other apart from me dropping off mail to him, he’s, always polite and friendly but nothing more. So I have been trying to keep it casual and not text him and not be needy… but I miss him like crazy. I have thought about meeting up with other guys, in the hope it might get reaction, or to prove that I’m not needy and I can carry on without him…. But just can’t and I feel like it’s not nice to use other guys and not honest to myself either.
    So my question is…. Do I wait for him to work on himself? He is a real decent guy, one of the good guys, you rarely meet and everyone who knows him would agree with me, he’s gold or in your terms a rare gemstone and yes he has effect on me, he has something I feel I won’t find anywhere else.
    Yes we have amazing chemistry, but it goes beyond that we are on the same page about life, about family, our beliefs and our goals, and there’s something exciting about what we could achieve together

    Congrats if you actually read all this!!
    p.s your looking great, and you’re getting really buff, good for you!!

    1. Sorry hun.
      He used you.
      He left.
      Leave him be and raise your standard.
      Next time don’t live and sleep with someone who doesn’t want the world to know you’re a couple.
      Raise your standards. Please.

  • I disagree with the “nice” guy motiv that was displayed on the Kathty Lee and Hoda segment. We many “nice” guys would love to be a little harsher in terms of talking to girls about dating or how to move forward, but most of us, that had any reasonably good upbringing, would be ready and willing to take on the raising a child!! There’s no passing children on, but it seems like sooo many people are superficial in this world that many things about time has changed!!

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