The One Secret All Desirable Women Use Even If They Aren’t Aware Of It

Stephen Hussey

Do you have a naturally attractive friend who seems to have guys chasing her, even though she doesn’t look like a stereotypical ‘perfect ten’?

How does she do it?

You could just ask her. But there’s a problem with that approach. First, it’s a weird conversation to have with a close friend. Second, even if your friend offers honest advice, it’s probably not going to be helpful. Because when it comes to attracting a member of the opposite sex, even people who are good at it don’t always understand what they are doing.

(Photo: Toni Blay)

They don’t consciously break down their method, which is why they will often give you vague slogans like “I just connect with guys and it sort of happens” or “if you just be natural and stop trying so hard guys will like you”.

You can’t use this advice, because your version of natural isn’t your friend’s version of natural. So unless you know what principles they follow, it’s impossible to replicate their results.

Today I want to open the lid on one of the most important rules that all desirable people intuitively understand, whether they are aware of it or not.

This simple rule has been proven time and time again to be one of the most universally accepted routes to become more attractive, more sought after, and more intriguing to the opposite sex.

It’s not the magic bullet, but it’s the powerful weapon that all desirable people possess in their arsenal.

And you’ll notice it everywhere once you start looking for the patterns.

What Makes Some Women Naturally Desirable?

Try to think about a friend of yours, or someone you know, who seems to just be effortlessly attractive.

She doesn’t even seem to try that hard. She just does her thing – she isn’t especially kind or generous, she doesn’t give guys special treatment or play games, and yet she seems to have no problem getting guys intrigued and wanting to chase her, to text her – she’s even had guys begging to lock her down and be exclusive.

Meanwhile, maybe you know someone else who is the opposite of this woman.

Perhaps this person is the archetypal ‘people pleaser’ – she tries extremely hard, she doesn’t make waves, she is quick to agree with anything a guy says in order to force a connection, she is always around to ‘just hang out’ if he wants to. Oh, and she also can’t ever seem to keep a guy interested.

What is the difference between these two women?

Many will be tempted to read these contrasting examples cynically. They’ll say that it just proves the old adage: Treat them mean, keep them keen.

They’ll conclude that the lesson is that a woman should actively try to be unavailable, indifferent, or even aloof to the charms of men in order to peak a guy’s interest. Which is an enormous mistake, because it means jumping straight from one unattractive behaviour (excessive people pleasing) straight to another (excessive coldness and game-playing).

All the while they are missing the beautiful sweet spot in between these two extremes.

They are missing what the girl in our first example was sub-communicating that the second girl wasn’t: Self-Respect.

See, there is no single method that will guarantee that a guy falls in love with you.

There is, however, one secret that serves as the essential foundation for attraction, and without which you’ll never truly be able to keep a great guy interested.

The secret is this: Naturally desirable people, when given the option, choose being respected over being liked.


Being Liked Vs. Being Respected

Naturally desirable women are not people pleasers.

That’s not to say they aren’t pleasing to be around. But they do not set out in every interaction to be liked. They don’t compromise on how they treat their friends in order to spend more time with a guy.

They will make the difficult choice to prioritize more important things, like their career or their family, or even just their own standard of respect, rather than trying to just stay in rapport with a guy. They won’t bend their own beliefs. They can walk away. They communicate their needs in a calm, assertive way.

People often confuse this, and think that respect means they have to become a try-hard and aggressively assert their independence and strength at all opportunities.

But respect isn’t about gaining power and being competitive. It is about doing what feels right to you, and not apologizing for it. Even if a guy disagrees, he’s going to respect you in that moment for sticking to your standards.

This doesn’t mean that everyone has to have the same standard. Some people’s standards for respect mean they will only sleep with someone after 6 months, for others it’s 3-4 dates, for others it’s whenever they want. The standard itself doesn’t matter. What matters is that a guy sees you conform to whatever your standard happens to be.

It doesn’t mean either that he will always accept that standard. For many guys six months would be too long to wait to have sex. But there’s one guarantee: he’ll lose respect, and eventually attraction for you, if he feels like you are compromising something that is important to you.

For example, a guy might like it in the moment when you sleep with him on a first date. But if he feels like it was something you only did to make him happy, but which violated your own standard for sexual intimacy, he’ll start to feel less attracted to you as a long-term partner (EDIT: of course, if you want have sex on a first date, and don’t have any strict rules about it, then go for it ;) ).

This is not a prescription telling you not to have sex on a first date (though there are pragmatic reasons not to e.g. needing time to get to a better read on the person and know what they are looking for, allowing things to develop gradually and build some anticipation). Rather, it simply says that compromising our standards, even a little, to stay in rapport with someone you like is a false path to attraction.

This is because being liked in the moment is not the same as generating long-term attraction. Period.

Is it possible to be respected and liked at the same time? Of course.

But is it possible for a guy to be attracted long-term if he likes you but doesn’t respect you? No way.

A guy can totally enjoy spending time with you, have fun in your company, but if he gets the weird vibe that he gets ‘special treatment’ just because you are attracted to him, he instantly sees you as less desirable.

This is what we mean when we say guys value what they earn. It’s not that guys don’t LOVE attention, affection, and being prioritized. It’s that they want to feel like they have earned that status.

High Value women understand that just being agreeable is not attraction. Attraction can come from those moments when a guy tests the boundaries and just sees that they exist.

To put it simply: pleasing a guy and attracting a guy don’t always go hand in hand. Often they do, but sometimes they don’t.

And when they don’t, a sophisticated woman always knows which one to choose.


(Back to Matt)

If you enjoyed that and want to learn how to quickly become a High Value Woman that men can’t resist, go watch this video I created for you

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89 Replies to “The One Secret All Desirable Women Use Even If They Aren’t Aware Of It”

    1. Hi Annabel! To subscribe, just enter your name and your email address on our homepage. Thanks for reading! – Mars

  • I’m in a LDR with a man that first persued me. We are in different countries It’s been over three months now. He has a very demanding job and I’ve always been supportive. Given him his space but I’ve noticed lately the time spent on communication is dwindling. I said that maybe we need space until he is free but he said no. I’m not as happy. A little confused. He is missing nights now where he doesn’t call. How can I bring him back without over daunting on him

  • If I already messed up – I let him know that I was making allowances and giving him special treatment / compromising my usual dating rules for him – is it too late to undo the damage? I haven’t seen him since our last weekend together six weeks ago and I haven’t contacted him (or him me) in the last three weeks. If he reaches out, can I start again it has he lost respect for me completely?

  • Hi,

    I completely agree on how to be perceived as someone respects themselves and seeks to be respected too. For me it is my natural state but…My experience with this is — when I set boundaries either in a flirty and funny way or a bit more seriously when necessary or when something is violated repeatedly-, men show dislike or they think we would be incompatible or most of the times they tell me how I should change about this subject. I am a bit discouraged talking to men, I end up feeling alone and disrespected. Can you maybe make a video on when to stop talking to men, when to be flexible when to continue talking when to stop talking permanently etc? Many thanks Matthew! ;)

  • This is such an interesting topic because it seems to apply to so many people. The idea is to have more self respect but there’s a reason or reasons why people don’t. And it seems like the struggle becomes, “this makes sense and I want this to be me but HOW do I achieve it?” Or “I am this but it doesn’t work, what gives?” The short answer to either question is that it involves some (or a lot of) digging, but the process isn’t as straightforward. This is a great article to get the wheels turning. I would love to see links to additional information that could help people unpack this a little more for themselves. It makes me think of a “choose your own ending” type of format where the link can begin to lead an individual through the process of problem solving their particular circumstance(s). It would elevate the reader experience by making it more interactive. Typically, people read an article and have questions in real time but either there’s no seamless way to find the answers so the questions go unanswered. You can post a comment or question but then it just kind of sits in the ether ‍♀️. Thank you for writing and posting Stephen!

  • Interesting article – respectfully disagree (see what I did there) ;)

    All men are different as are all women.

    Yes, there can be discreet and overlapping subsets within each group, the thing is they all have their initial preferences, some are looking for inner beauty, some are looking for outer beauty, some want a play/recreation partner, some want a sex partner (maybe for procreation, maybe for intimate play), some want to be saved, others want to do the saving, some want a spiritual person, others want a pragmatist, and some want status, so they can look good.

    A lot of it depends on what they saw, were taught and learned from those around them as they grew up. They saw particular relationships, perceived them as successful or not, and made decisions (mostly unconscious) as to whether that’s what they would then emulate (we are creatures that copy/emulate behaviours that we perceive will advance our survival, and avoid those we perceive will decrease personal survival))

    In the echelon that I am part of, what really stands out is a person who is vulnerable (by sharing deeply of themselves, not vulnerable in the sense as in ‘needs a place to live’), and also a person who knows their values and chooses to consistently live by their values, in a moral and ethical way.

    While I believe being attracted to someone who shows there vulnerability is a a universal trait (note: I said this is my belief, not a fact), I definitely see that some people want security through having a partner that makes $$$$$, or something else….

    Me, I want security from a partner that knows themself, who lives their values, who is honest, kind, giving and growthful, and we share similar beliefs on what being human actually means and entails.

    Contrast what attracts me to a woman, to a person who finds themself in a street gang doing criminal activities regularly, and also to the woman that finds herself attracted to this type of male.

    I also value health and fitness, so if a person smokes or takes drugs, they are excluded from my consideration unless they are willing to live a life closer to their own values of health and fitness, rather than ignore them.

    Because for me (not everyone), a person who shows major slipping up in one area of their values, could easily mean slipping up in another, just as important areas. And that causes problems for everyone further down the road.

    Best wishes to all,

    I highly recommend you do a values check (write down your ‘towards values’ and your ‘away-from values’ (anti-values)).

    And get your prospective partner to do theirs, and discuss them and how they meet them, and explain how you meet yours, and discuss expectations over how achieving them together in a relationship and partnership would look. That’s really the best long-term compatibility check IMHO.

    Best wishes to all

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