You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring – Part II

So last week I did a video on shyness which seems to have struck a nerve.

There were many comments – the majority overwhelmingly good – but also a little controversy which has led me to want to do Part II. Here it is. Enjoy!

Here’s the difference between ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’ as I see it:

–Introversion is associated with being part of someone’s nature.

–Shyness is derived from insecurity. It’s a polite word for being scared.

If we want to overcome shyness, we have to overcome rejection. There are two ways to do this:

1) Get accepted and reinforce a different behaviour

To see that you can talk to someone and get a positive result.

2) Get rejected more

More rejection doesn’t have to make you more insecure. If you talk to people who have to go through a lot of rejection every day – whether it’s people who make cold calls, actors going to auditions, you name it, they’ll tell you that they can become desensitised to that rejection.

We have to decide who we want to be – regardless of acceptance or rejection.

If you go into a situation craving acceptance, it’s going to feel needy and desperate and people will pick up on it.

Go for rejection. Get rejected as much as possible, because the fastest way to get accepted as much as possible (and from the people who will be most beneficial to you) is to be congruent with who you really are.

Hope you enjoyed the video! Thanks to everyone who commented last week. Stay tuned and I’ll be back with more soon!


Having trouble with shyness? Check out my online program The Man Myth that will walk you through simple steps to meet more men, build attraction, and find out if he’s right for you.

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180 Replies to “You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring – Part II”

  • MATT!!!

    I LOVE this video!! You hit the nail on the head! I tell my clients the SAME THING!!! Your style of coaching is the SAME for me……

    Keep them coming!!


  • But, but, but… the point is that sometimes being shy is not about fear but about keeping somethings to yourself until you have more trust in the other. I´m not shy but I can undestand it. And you assume that being shy equals being not so attractive and in this point I must desagree again. For me some degree of shyness is cute and endearing.

    1. Absolutely, you’ll see I mention that in part one. Just make sure it’s not the only side you’re showing, nor the dominant one that’s coming out in social situations : )

      1. I think I would have to make sure not to show too much of my dominant part more than the shy one. Seeing it in that way socialize could seem like a much more complicated thing than what really is, don´t you think?…But I see the point you make. In swedish they have a special word for what you say about this matter: lagom.

  • I think that going for rejection is kind of a good idea because you are not seeking the other person’s approval and it can be liberating. Though one has to have the muscle to bear the rejection, and not feel sad. But actually I don’t see any link between shyness and boringness. ^^ x

    1. The link between shyness and boringness is the fact that you you don’t give value to the situation / conversation by not contributing enough, the other person might end up losing interest because of your lack of involvment.

  • You’re right. I’m still rather shy, but I decided to change after I realised that by being so I couldn’t show my true self to other people. I started changing. I went to talk to random people (and by doing so got even more friends and of course also people who don’t like me). Now, I’m much more open to other people, but I still have a long way to go to be the person I want to be infront of other people. :)
    Good luck, Matt! I hope you get accepted. :D

  • Good points! Thanks!

    1) If you find yourself getting rejected a lot, when should you evaluate whether you have a problem? (Eg not pretty enough, too quirky, too independent)

    2) Do you faciltate individual coaching? Maybe not only you, but do you employ a “fleet” of Matthews who perform one-on-one coaching services? :)

    Thanks again!


  • Hi Matt! Your explanation was spot on! I think a lot of us use shyness as a crutch because it’s a lot less scary than risking rejection. P.s. your reading of the comments may have just made my morning..:)

  • Hi Matthew i get what your trying to say.

    i think what your meant if your too shy people going to judge you as boring and not interested in things.
    Well for me as a example i like too sing but no one thought that i would sing before the school. And they not even thought that i uploaded it to youtube. but some people they use a excuse to not trying things as they want to. Well let me be honest with you im shy because iv´e been bullied but that not a excuse to not do the things. Well be me was it fear and exectiety i must first Confroted the things and than i do it. Well first on school i was even scared to ask something to a teacher but finally i did it and it was not even scared like it thought it would. But im very emotional person if someone say anything it think they say it to me. Well not every word and not everything they say. well sometimes lett me be honest with that. Because iv´e been bullied i had no selfesteem anymore. Like i say it people can made you broken inside just by words One kid told me once time that i muss before a train yeah that hurts. but i not did it because i have enough people how love me they way i am. But the problem is already fixed by my teacher luckly just to give you an example.

    well that all i wanted to say.

    have a nice sunny day matthew.

    lovely greetz Thirza and you know 15 years old :P
    you can response to this if you want. bye

  • Matt,
    I am not shy, because over the last few years I have made a real effort to embody the traits I did not possess. In the process I became very confident and comfortable in my own skin. I have just had one of the best weekends of my life witha Man who commented on the fact that was the biggest reasons he asked for a second date the next day!! What u r saying is TRUE!!! I am happiest at home with a book spending quiet time;however, that doesnt bring the person I want to my door. Stepping out of my comfort zone has made me a better person, not just a better choice for a deserving Man. Thank you!!!!! BTW: your crew is right the vest works on you, beautiful Man:)

  • Thank you for the advice Matt! People usually have wavelengths and tones in which they usually speak when they come out in public and communicate with each other. I try to identify them and speak to the person that way, but if this happens in front of a group of people, for example I talk calm and choose “smart” words with one person and next minute I turn to another person and start talking all hyped up and excited, the previous person person will just look at me as if I changed personalities in a second! I will go camping with my colleagues tomorrow and since I’m kind of fresh, there I’m nervous that they will form a negative opinion on me. So should I build my one and only conversational tactic for people to adjust me or should I just continue what I’m doing now?

    Loads of hugs and kisses from Germany/Scotland (because my life seems all over the place atm :D)

  • So recently I was told that I’m more of an introvert which came as a HUGE shock for me because I feel like I have a really friendly and outgoing personality my thing is I like to joke a lot which is kind of my shield and sword if you would :) so when I was told I was an introvert I was like no! Sh*t so does that now mean I’m boring?? Lol I came to the conclusion that I’m not! I enjoy being around people but sometimes I just like to be on my own to recharge. That to me this is main difference between being an introvert and being boring! Have an awesome Sunday! Can’t wait to see you in October! Btw since the last day is Oct 31 can we have a Halloween party?! ;) x

  • Well, first off I’m totally judging you but your self image will manage. =D Secondly, I couldn’t agree more with the “go for no” strategy. The first couple of times I did cold calling when I owned a business, I was scared as hell. Then I kept going because the faster I got to my “no”s, the faster I could filter through to the “yes”es. I just never thought to apply it to my dating options…

    Lastly, why not put Jameson on camera every once in a while? He’s earned his shine!

  • I completely understand now that I start out being confident and myself but the second I sense that he may be abt to reject me (my perception, of course…possibly not reality), I start “acting” different and start craving acceptance. It’s really hard for me to not have an agenda, I guess. Ugh… I’ve really got to figure that part out. Thanks, Matt… You really are helping me :)

  • Thats cool I like it .will try and get rejected ti be desensitized haha thats so cool never thought that way .lets kick some asses now lol .

  • Thanks Matt for this exact video!
    I just got kind of rejected yesterday.
    Well I had great two weeks with this guy,
    I never felt this intense ever before,
    but unfortunately he now left this tiny place here in Switzerland for doing his master’s in germany even not too far away but he said he wasn’t ready for doing this.
    Well now I have to overcome my rejection, in a little while and try again.
    Until then I will enjoy the Swiss Alps and my new and very exciting working place and all the great people around me!
    Thanks for this amazing way of talking to us!

  • I get what you’re saying but I feel like you should always go in to anything with a positive attitude. Don’t necessarily “go for rejection” just accept that rejection is a possibility and it’s perfectly fine. I always go in expecting the best and if I get rejected I still feel good because I tried and I know that rejection will help me grow. I Always declare positivity on my life because it’s what I want!

    1. I agree wholeheartedly. Sometimes, (it seems hard to believe but it’s true) a person trying to overcome their fears gets more comfortable with rejection than with approval. I think the aim should always be to make a friend than to be rejected.

  • Just what I needed to wrap up the weekend. Came back from a meeting with prospect, the deal wasn’t sealed. That’s as good as being rejected. Combination of negative thoughts of having no sale, no special someone to share the weekend with, clouded my head. But it all changed with a video from you.

    Thank you Matt, you are especially on point about rejection. Probably I have to get numbed from it before I get success in getting the guy I want and sales for work?


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