The Player: Why Men Long To Be Casanovas And How To Spot If He Is One – Men’s Personalities Part 3

Have you ever dated a player before? Well we say dated but it’s really just a fling as it was doomed from the beginning. But does it always have to be like this? Or can you change a player, stop him from chasing after the next woman and settle with you? Let’s find out:

The Player…

Main Entry: player

Function: noun

Etymology: possibly derived from the phrases “play him for a fool”, or “play him like a violin”. The term was popularized by the hip-hop culture, but was commonly recognized among urban American blacks in the 1970s.

1: A guy who is sustaining supposedly exclusive relationships with multiple girls simultaneously

2: A male who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

Why is it that some men pride themselves on being able to seduce women when on the other hand, women get branded as “sluts” after having had multiple sexual partners? In fact, men seem to go out of their way to ‘pick up’ women that they might not necessarily even be that attracted too, or care about, just as a means of impressing other men. Now to women this all sounds ludicrous; they can’t wrap their head around why someone would ever want to be considered a “player”, so I’ve looked to break it down for you.

Here are the two main reasons that men pride themselves on being “players”.

1) He knows he’s in possession of a skill that few other men have

Being a player is something a man wears proudly (if secretly) because he knows he can do something which few other men are able to do: quickly attract and seduce women. But even so, where is the incentive for a man to do this as opposed to having a relationship?

Chasing multiple women is validation-seeking behaviour; it’s a fundamental craving for attention. For some people having one person love you is not enough; these people need to draw opinions from a bigger ‘sample size’ just to confirm to themselves again and again that other people are still interested in them.

2) The media have conditioned men into thinking it’s the most fun way to live

Movies such as American Pie and TV shows like Entourage haven’t done women any favours in getting men to commit. Why? Because the media has glorified the single life, whilst often simultaneously mocking any monogamous relationship.

This has led many men to associate relationships with a perceived lack of variety, and the single life with crazy, wild parties – and it takes guys quite a while to catch on of what a shallow existence it is. The emotional distance that they endure corrodes at the heart of a ‘player’; they can only keep loneliness at bay for so long. At their core, players are really interested in forming connections with lots of people. They’re searching for an intimacy, but not with one, but with many. A profound sense of isolation sets in when a guy realizes that the next girl is just like the last one and she will also fade into the sea of past conquests…

But while they’re still looking to play the field, here are some tips to spot them:

  • He’s reluctant to bring you into his life. What I mean by this is that he doesn’t introduce you to friends and family because he has to keep up appearances with them, and can’t be seen with a new girl on his arm every week.
  • He’s eager to move things along: quickly. Players want to move things to the bedroom as quickly as possible. Having said that, there are men that will do this that aren’t players, and the way to test this is to deny him sex right form the off to judge from his reaction whether he in fact a player or not. If he goes cold, gets angry or you see a sudden shift in his mood, now you know why.
  • He’s very good at keeping the ball in your caught. To stop it seeming as though he’s being pushy, he’ll make you make the big decisions. For instance instead of asking for your phone number, he might say something like: “Since you live all the way downtown and I’m up here, should we even bother trying to meet for a cup of coffee?” He knows you’ll fall into his trap, and he then comes away looking like innocent bystander to your advances.
  • He’s incredibly confident in the way he carries himself. There is something unique to the attitude and body language of a player – he’s cocky, self-assured and unflappable. He can talk to women in a way that indirectly (or, if he chooses, directly) makes the interaction sexual. He takes liberties that others may find offensive, or at least objectionable.

So there you have it: “the player”. Let us know what you think…

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36 Replies to “The Player: Why Men Long To Be Casanovas And How To Spot If He Is One – Men’s Personalities Part 3”

  • Spot on!!! That’s everything in a nutshell. I’ve just had first hand experience with this, I saw the red flags but I still allowed him excuses, I didn’t want to believe that someone I cared about would treat me so badly..exclusion, betrayal & colourful lies. It always felt HARD trying to please him….. Then I met a REAL MAN who did care, I didn’t have to work him out & in contrast, it’s felt EASY. Trust in your intuition!

    1. Hey Denise!

      That’s fantastic to hear you’ve found yourself a “real man” ! I’m really happy for you, and wish you the best of luck together :)

      And couldn’t agree more: trust your intuition!

      Matt x

  • Hi,

    when I read this article I got shocked, cz one of the biggest things that made me attracted to my boyfreind is that as you said “incredibly confident in the way he carries himself.”

    I know very much that he was a player but i just took the challenge, and today we are engaged, he is soooo much in love with me cz i knew how to treat him and how to bring value into his life and keep him eager to see more of me.
    I think I have to work with you Mathew ;)

    1. I don’t think he said every man who carries himself confidently is a player, he said every player carries himself confidently. All cats are mammals, it doesn’t mean every mammal is a cat.
      It could be that players are trying to imitate persons like your boyfriend.

  • Hey Matthew, In the article you said if it’s possible to change a player. I really want to know if it’s possible to stand out from the rest of the very predictable girls and make him look twice before ditching a girl, and how to do that.

    You see I’ve met this guy and we had a good connection and i was fooled at the beginning and though he was a very sweet guy and that actually turned me off,like not the “ahhh you are so sweet” but the in a way like wow you are too sweet. I know it sounds hard to believe but it’s true.

    Anyway… he was like throwing out all these blunt things like “you are so beautiful” and every time he had a chance he stared at me like i didn’t know what the hell was going on with him. I know it means he is attracted to me but come on it was a little overwhelming. on my part we don’t talked any more and I know I wasn’t uninteresting. I guess he is just not into the high value women.

    So no I’m not going to lower my standards to fall into his stupid trap, I just need to know what can I do about this situation and turn the tables to my advantage so we can actually make something of this ?

  • I really liked the article but I would really like to know how to change a player. Seems to me you gave us directions how to handle the maudlin etc but no directions whatsoever about the player

  • Ironic!!!i wish id found this 6months ago.iv just been played by a so called man..he had me minipulated.used the tactics mentioned re: anger if he didnt get sex

  • Women love confidence… Oh wait, no ladies, stay away from confident self assured guys because they are players…

    It’s about as contradictory and hypocritical as the whole sluts vs players gender problem.

    As a self assured guy, I’ve been called cocky and have swagger. Well, that’s part of who I am. The way I carry myself is directly related with my well being. I also am attracted to females who carry themselves confidently. I feel people like us are unjustly criticised and “hated” on, and my girlfriend feels the exact same way.

    I guess that’s why we’re such a great match. But anyone who discriminates a man or a woman for being confident and having swag, well you’re the ones missing out on great people. You can’t judge a book by its cover. We are both incredibly deep loving people. Thanks for reading God bless.

    1. There is nothing wrong with being confident and enjoying life. You and your girlfriend sound cool. Best of luck!

  • I don’t care what women think. Just pump them & dump them !! Women are born to be played with. Just go to a divorce court & see how ‘nice guys’ get raped by this so called judicial system. Thanks to Tom Leykis (the radio host), I turned from a nice guy to a jerk. Now i get any women I want. Period.

  • Like many of the commentators below, I would really like to know if/when a player would chose to change the patterns of his/her relationships so that they are deeper and exclusive with one partner. Do players change???

  • Players are half human. They may get a buzz from a string of successful sexual conquests but their hearts and souls are ‘frozen’. Falling in love is something abstract that they cannot understand. When they get older they will have a loneliness that they don’t want to examine because deep down they know they are unable to have a loving, romantic relationship that they secretly want themselves. They have denied themselves the full experience of being human.

  • So, hey everybody.

    Im a Player, stalking online to find information about how to avoid being declared as a player by women.

    Nonetheless, ladies, forget changing the player. You cant. You will spare yourself a big deal of pain and anxiety. But i dont get your problem, players are usually great in bed, even being around one makes a lady wet. And you know this. Just take it easy and enjoy your free ride to pleasure city.

    1. Hey Player,
      Tell me smth then please. I’ve been with Player, knew that, told him that (he didn’t deny), took ur mentioned “ride to pleasure city”:D And… He doesn’t let me go. why the hell is he doing that? Many years has passed and still can’t get rid of him.

      1. Okay. These things are very complicated, first of all a real player wouldn’t hang on to you. But there’s no such thing as a real player, after all everebody is human. However, if you want to, we can discuss the situation, but for that I require more information.

        1. Hey Casanova, I would really like to discuss (although preferred in not such public place, but let’s try).

          Here are my thoughts how this situation happened:
          1. Since I knew he was a player from the beginning and I chose to take a risk by myself, I accepted to play by his rules. I didn’t ask him to be faithful, didn’t ask to do not date other girls and things like that.
          2. We never had a real relationship. I never pushed him into that. We were meeting only because both wanted to spend time together. There were no commitment from any side so there were no scandals, fights, questions where or with whom have you been and things like that. It’s ironic, but even if there were no such questions, I knew not so few girls he slept with (he claims all but I don’t believe). That leads to number 3.
          3. We could be completely open to each other. And I believe we really were. Even if sometimes that honesty hurt. I never checked his phone but he used to read his messages loud or just in position I could read it as well sometimes. I didn’t want to know that most of times and just used to stop him or simply look other way than his phone, but I think he liked that he can be what he is and still be accepted.
          4. He never really had me and he knew that. At a time we were meeting I had an official boyfriend (I know it doesn’t sound nice, but we are here to discuss not judge). Also I was pushing him to find a girl for a serious relationship. My taken risk with him was too big, I felt addicted to him and hoped to run away from that easier if he gets a serious girlfriend. He tried few times, didn’t work. I am pretty sure that till this day what we had was the longest “relationship” with one girl for him.
          Conclusion of my thoughts could be that he liked to be accepted and loved just the way he is, without pretending to be someone else. He liked that sort of “relationship” we had without commitment and real relationship’s things. I am pretty sure if all this turned into real relationship, it would be over same day or week, because i would not be same for understandable reasons. And about why he is stuck to me – on my opinion it is because on one hand he had me and on the other hand he never really had me. And here is where Hunter’s instinct comes take place.

          So, here is some information, is it enough or need more? :D Now, Player, I would like to hear your opinion :)

          1. Well after all you mentioned Casanova, let a slice of his life enlighten the situation. You see, in 1769, in London he met a young girl, with a reputation of destroying men, the lady was called Charpillon, but that’s really not the question here, well our heroine told Casanova he will never get her, nonetheless, Casanova pursued her, and although chased her with all his wits and skills, was never able to force her to yield to his charms.

            And Casanova went wild and crazy because of this. The bottom line is simple, the more they deny something from you, the more you want it. Also the fact, that he never tried to start a relationship with you, doesn’t mean a frustrated, lonely, disappointed self in him didn’t think about it, and you were the manifestation of this repressed desire of his. Also, by accepting his rakish ways, you eased a great burden from him: a player always suffers from social judgement, nonetheless it’s relieving for all of us to be accepted in our darkest form. As I see it, it’s no surprise, that in some ways he became attached to you.

            But you see, starting to date a player is a very dangerous thing, and I also have to agree with you, that the special conflict free form of your relationship, the ease of it all, your masculine, nonchalant independence with which you treated his affairs, would only be able to kept up with distance.

            Plato believed that the only existing love is the platonic love. In some ways, he was right, distance and unfulfilled desires fuel love and desire like nothing else. However, as these desires became satisfied, the urge ultimately awakens for the player to continue the hunt for beauty.

            Thus my conclusion is, you may surrender, and lure him into a relationship with some equally clever play, but should never ever loose your guard around such a man. Unless you turn him your slave, like Charpillon did with Casanova.

            But you see, that’s the ultimate fantasy of every girl, taming the bad boy, and we know it very well, seductively dangling the possibility of it in your face, however, rarely do we really settle.

            Sorry if the english is bad, I’m horribly tired.

            But I’m guess, I got kind of far, from the original topic. However, if you want to, mail me: teuthan@citromail[dot]hu

          2. Wow!! This was like reading about my own relationship with a player ! Every single point you put out there I identified with…

            I never expected anything from him…. And now, wayyyyy later…after I decided to stop sleeping with him… We’re still friends. I agree with you on that point that I think they like having a woman in their life that doesn’t judge how they live their life. I mean he always tries from time to time to see if I’m up for it… Doesn’t bother me… I don’t know him any other way haha :D

          3. Why settle for crumbs Ladies?( esp. if you have a “real boyfriend”) why even go there? Most of us women can not play like the bad boys with getting hurt no matter how we try and pretend- it doesnt make us look cooler and so stop trying.also cervical cancer from Hpv is a very real consequence these days…is it worth it?
            These guys can’t get if we don’t so easily give-have some respect and keep the legs shut until you know what he’s about. and if you do know what he is like and still go there ( you need to work on your issues #1), #2 don’t complain about being used.

  • Not sure when this article was written.. but there’s a new player in the scene………. the nice guy. Too many wolves in sheep clothing these days. I doubt the media or social pressure is the reasoning for all this. I feel players stem from 1 of the 3: The rejected, Momma’s boys and narcissists.

    How to spot the rejected (nice guys):

    – This out of all players is the hardest. These guys still have a conscience. They know what they’re doing is wrong but they get off on hurting their victim. They like knowing someone else is hurting like they are inside. These guys show emotion, they still give and are eager to please you. The only way to catch them in the act, is by looking into their phone or browse through their social media contacts.

    How to spot the momma’s boy:

    – Momma’s boys are the easiest to catch. These guys are cheap and like to keep things local. Meaning they like to keep all their victims close to home. They are quick to introduce most victims to their family and friends. They also like to invite their victims to family gatherings. They do so because they get comfortable too easily. It has nothing to do with the girl being “the one”. It’s about comfort. You can usually catch them in the act if you stake out their home. It’s that simple. Also, these players normally have crazy exes hanging around.. ready to spill everything they know….

    How to spot the Narcissist:

    – Narcissist are all about themselves. Point blank. It’s never about the victim. Me, me, me…. If it seems like they’ve taken an interest in you, it’s only to get their way in the long run. These types have no shame flirting with others, right in front of their victim. They will also hit on someone else right in front of their victim…. If they do, it’s usually a test. If the victim leaves, they’ll be discarded. If the victim stays, prepare to be a doormat!

    If a player is all 3 of these, which some men are.. the signs are severely obvious. These guys are normally considered womanizers or abusive.

  • What about this? I would be really grateful for some advice!!

    I think my jelousy of my boyfriend doesn’t stem from a low self-esteem, if he will choose somebody else he may leave, he is not for me than. but I’m really afraid of somebody having it both ways ,this thought creates crazy jelousy in me.

    My boyfriend on the other side is a very attractive men with a lot of values and as i see and as he shows it,he is crazily in love with me. Even though he lives abroad he comes to see me every 5 days, is always attentive to all my needs, says he wants to spend his life with me, all his co-workers know about me, at the beginning didn’t put too fast with me and so on,apart from the below situations he is always very respective towards me. But- i see he has a nature of WOMANZIER. And i’ve always hated men with this nature, it makes me crazily jelous and i’m thinking of breaking up with him cuz i think it’s a clear red flag and i should protect myself from enetring this visibly ‘dangerous’ ground, before im deeper into it.
    Red flages include mostly him keeping a gallery of his ex girlfriend on his phone year after a breakup(toxic relationship but very intense), accepting gift from her which she sent him recently to his home!(he sad they r not in touch but she called him cuz she said bought it long time ago and prefers to give it than throw it out…); keep on mentioning in a flattering way about one his favourite celebrity crash every time we meet, texting all the time his female friend which i dont know-sometimes i think he textes her more than me. but once he said something’legendary that i will never forgive- i invited him to my family meeting, and he said to my cousin(who is in relationship but i saw she made impression on him) that “by the way, she is always very welcome in his country, whenever she wants to visit the city she shouldnt hesitate to contact’. Sophia”(me) has exams now and she cannot come”. i thought i will fall out of a chair but i belived he meaby played with me cuz it was hard to belive he can be so cheek and i kept my poker face, keeping observing him ‘secretly’.But the issue that also concerns me the most is that even though he is not seeing his ex, i think he may secretly still think about her, and its enough to me to leave him.
    I’m basically decided to break up with him, but on the other side I’m thinking it’s not a real cheating and in every other matter he is really lovely and genuinely in love with me.I see it, i feel it,he show this in every other way and its good between us.Apart from this he is a good person, ready to sacrify his comfort for me,I’m just afraid that a womanizer type doesnt have a problem to love one girl, but at the same time filrt/hit on the others, it’s like it doesn’t exclude itself. Should i finish this as a matter of precaution already now?
    I will be thankful for any reply

  • I accidentally became a player after coming out of a long term sexless relationship. I decided to date multiple women at the same time and see what happened.
    I found it quite shocking. After a short time of having sex with 4/5 women simultaneously, my mannerisms and behaviour changed. My confidence skyrocketed and my neediness disappeared.
    The shocking thing was that women now treated me differently as they have a much more refined intuition. I never had to “pick up”. Just see their signals (which become easier and more obvious), then confidently lead them through seduction.
    Women are harshly judged by everybody for their sexuality. In sensing a player, a woman knows that she can enjoy chasing a man other women desire, he’ll be amazing in the bedroom, he won’t judge her and nobody will find out. Other men are so desperate for sex that they judge, cling and tell the world.
    Proof is in the comment below around June 2014 by “Been with player”. She had a “proper boyfriend” while seeing the player, but don’t judge her for it. I don’t judge!
    Women are so much more savvy and intuitive than men, because they have to be. They now categorise me and willingly invite me. Sure, some want to be my girlfriend and I’m always polite, gentlemanly and never, ever ask for sex on the first meet up (though some ask me). Surprising how few want to be girlfriends and they don’t get too upset when we slowly drift apart, because they really enjoyed the experience.
    So yeah. Beware of players if you want monogamy, but a lot of women are too clever for that and they know exactly what they want.

      1. Absolutely. Players are hot. And with them you have the most fun. There is just a hate campaign against them by women who, a: can’t snag them, and b: fell in love with them. Then there is c: pure judgmentalism. Or is that jealousy that other women have sexual fun.

        The problem with players is merely that women either can’t or don’t want to read their true intentions. Due to a-c above.

        And perhaps also that these same women are so attracted to these guys, the player never sees the cool side of her that other people do. So he knows the woman isn’t for real either. How could he fall in love?

    1. Thanks for what seems to be a truly honest and insightful comment while maintaining respect for more than one point of view. A lot if women like myself prefer monogamy but if a guy can be upfront about this then he will much more likely earn the respect of anyone. Its the cheating and the lying which brings about the drama – and women can be good at drama!

    2. I’m dating a player have been for almost 2 years , I know he has multiple women , he knows I know , our situation suits us I like my own space , I don’t date other guys , but I have a life, he likes his bachelor life, we go on holidays together see each other at least once a month , text and FaceTime each other ever day ( we live 150miles from each other ) , I sometimes get jealous , but I suppose that’s only natural , I know he’ll never be any different and in a lot of ways that’s what the attraction is

  • players are boys having fun. Because if ladies give sex easier, they wouldn’t have to be crafty with it.

  • I am really terrified by what self-declared players are writing here. First of all, that they are good in bed. Being good in bed is mostly an emotional thing, and the most important sexual organ is brain, not penis. A player by definition can’t be amazing, he can be decent or okay, or fine, but five stars go to the ones who can fulfill first the emotional needs.

    I don’t mind people having sex with no strings attached, but the biggest issue about a player is that he is treating woman like a prey, not a partner.

  • Sex is not casual full stop. Women secrete a hormone that attaches them to that man so not sure what BS they are trying to fool people with. These women who pretend to be happy having flings are trying to cover up their daddy issues or just make the fact that the guy will never commit sound acceptable when in reality these women would live that guy to commit. So sad people now have weak moral compasses.

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