Finding That Crazy Sexual Formula

When it first happens it feels like magic.

You get a guy who makes your heart flutter. When you’re around one another you both can keeps your hands off. You kiss constantly.

Hours pass like minutes. It’s like your brain is on overdrive when you’re together.

You both spend a whole weekend together and still can’t wait to tear one another’s clothes off when you get home.

This is sexual chemistry, and it’s a powerful force.

man hugging woman from behind

Can You Create Sexual Chemistry? The Difficult Truth…

We all know that there are things we can do to make ourselves more sexually attractive: getting fit, dressing to our physique, taking care of our skin and diet, having confidence and strong body language…the list goes on.

But can we make ourselves more attractive to a specific person? What about in relationships? Can we create chemistry between anyone if we just get the right formula?

In my years of coaching, I’ve heard from many women who tell me some story like the following:

“I have this guy I’m seeing. He’s such a thoughtful, loving man, and we get on so well. He’s educated and always looks out for me – he even loves spending time with my kids. Yet…I just don’t feel that passionate sexual chemistry with him that I’ve felt with men I’ve dated in the past. But I think he’s amazing. What can I do to fix the sexual part?”

The sad, unfortunate answer is, not a lot.

Unless this guy transforms over night and brings out some serious masculine charisma that never existed before, or suddenly alters his entire personality and DNA, chances are the base level of sexual chemistry isn’t going to change.

man looking into woman's eyes

So lesson #1 here is going to be a simple (potentially painful) truth: You have to choose a guy you already feel a base level sexual attraction for. You cannot create something out of nothing (no matter how great a person he is). 

Now, that being said, is it not the case that with some guys you end up getting more and more attracted to them over time? Of course.

But it needs to begin with some initial spark – some part of him that already excites you physically. The best test is usually the first time you get intimate together. You’ll soon know if all those things – his smell, his naked body, his touch, his kissing – turns you on and make you want more.

If they don’t, then sadly, chances are very low that things will improve later if that spark doesn’t arise upon first contact.

How Much Should You Care About Sexual Chemistry?

Well, the short answer is: It depends how much you and your partner care about sex.

I’ve found that this answer is very different for different people.

But the fact remains: most of us on this earth are sexual creatures.

We need physical intimacy. It’s just one of the important ways we express our love and emotions – without it, relationships tend to suffer over the long-term, and a lack of intimacy is one of the biggest signs of a doomed relationship.

So I’ll just say this: Do not fall into the trap of making sexual chemistry a secondary concern.

Yes, there are many important things other than: emotional connection, mutual respect, kindness, support and a lifelong teammate.

But the physical side of things is also a crucial part of long-term happiness, not an added bonus if you can get it. Studies still show that the happiest couples have sex 2-3 times a week, and that people are 55% more likely to report higher levels of happiness when they have sex every few days.

Clearly then, finding the right sexual formula is no small matter. The future of our relationships may just depend on it.

The Sexual Formula That Keeps Relationships Happy

Now, although you can’t make yourself wild with desire for a guy if you don’t find him sexy, once you’re already with a guy who turns you on physically, there are ways to ignite that fire even more so that it doesn’t fade after the first 6-9 months.

Some absolute essentials to this are as follows: ANTICIPATION + ATTENTION + EXCITEMENT

Let’s go through all three of these elements and spell out exactly what they mean…

1.  Anticipation

woman whispering to a man

Crazy sex might happen naturally at first, but it’s necessary to find ways to keep yourself excited about your partner.

One easy way to do this is anticipation.

The human imagination is a powerful force. Just the act of talking about together with your guy about the sexual things you’d like to do together is an amazing way to keep the chemistry even when you’re apart.

For example, send him a text that says something like, “Just had a naughty flashback from the other night. God I can’t wait to see you this weekend.”

When he gets this message, all kinds of exciting thoughts and images will race through his mind, and he’ll get super turned on every time he thinks about seeing you next. Encourage him to do the same and you’ll both feel like you want to throw down on the bed as soon as you next see one another.

Anticipation can also involve talking openly about the kinds of things you like sexually (even if you don’t do them yet).

Maybe it’s exchanging fantasy scenarios, or talking about sexy underwear, or just saying what you like about one another’s bodies.

Remember: sexual chemistry isn’t just about when you’re actually having sex. It’s all those fun, cheeky conversations that happen in between where you stimulate the imagination and send each other wild with lustful thoughts.

 2. Attention

couple talking in bed

If you want great sex to last with a guy, you must pay attention to each other’s needs.

How does he like being touched? Do you talk about what really turns you both on? Do you like talking dirty? Anything kinky?

Paying attention to what gets you both sexually turned on and then doing it makes for mind-blowing sexual chemistry.

See, it’s not enough just to be physically attracted to one another. We’d all like it to be, but just ask any couple that has been together for 10 years – that part fades over time.

What you can do though is become an expert on what drives you both crazy in and out of the bedroom.

Ask each other questions. Try out new things and see how your partner reacts. Get him to open up to you when the time is right and make a mental note of what he says.

The biggest mistake people make in relationships is assuming that what turns them on is the same as what turns their partner on.

But the best relationships work on a principle of constant giving and generosity, and the same goes for the sexual side of things. Pay attention to your partner’s needs and you’ll find it ten times easier to keep each other satisfied for years to come.

3. Excitement 

couple in bed together

We’ve all read those endless articles about how to “spice” things up in the bedroom.

But what this ultimately comes down to is something very simple: Maintain variety, be bold, and keep things interesting.

Sexual desire is a tricky enough subject as it is. We all get anxious about revealing this most personal side of who we are.

So if you want to create sexual chemistry, you need to create a culture where you both feel completely comfortable to try new things, make suggestions, and do it completely without judgment.

When you do this, you’ll have a sense of constant discovery in your sex life, where you feel like there is always a sense of novelty as you and your partner feel free to explore together, whether it’s through toys, roleplay, words, or new sexual positions. Have fun and enjoy expressing your physical desires!

*        *        *        *

So there you have it: Three essential elements of the sexual formula that not only maintains chemistry, but helps you multiply it when you meet a guy you really like.

The biggest lesson with regards to sexual chemistry  is that we can’t afford to be complacent.

When people get lazy and stop prioritising their own and their partner’s sexual pleasure, they takes things for granted, and that’s when boredom and fatigue inevitably kick in.

Make you and your partner’s pleasure a priority, and you’ll be able to keep the sexual flame burning long past the crazy fireworks of the first 6 months!


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16 Replies to “Finding That Crazy Sexual Formula”

  • Wow. Finally:) Thank you for this. I’ve been waiting a while for your blog to touch on sexuality and the importance of it. And you’re right….it took me 10 years of being in a lukewarm relationship to understand that the base foundation for sexual chemistry is either there or it isn’t. I went without satisfying sex (or no sex at all) for ten years.

    So here’s the dilemma. This makes dating tricky. I understand that for me, sexuality is important in a mate. And I’ve found that there is no real way for me to discern what is there until actually being intimate with someone. But the unfortunate truth is that if you have sex with a man within the first few dates, my experience is that you get put into the ‘sex box’ by men….you become less a serious prospect and more as a playmate. How does a sensual woman like me navigate this in dating, how to find that balance between too soon and not soon enough. I haven’t seemed to find it. HElP!!

    1. I have read the book. But here’s the thing…if you wait until you’re both at the emotional hookpoint, there is a chance that you might finally get each other in bed and realize there isn’t the right sexual chemistry. It’s a double edged sword and hard to find a balance. My experience has been that you might be able to guess at what each guy is like in bed but you don’t know until you are there….sigh. If you wait until too long until you are invested, it makes finding out that you don’t have chemistry in bed even more messy.

      1. Another blog I love is black girls are It sounds crazy, but it’s a great resource on dating from the man’s point of view for women of any race. To paraphrase, he is a proponent of little tests that will help you get the information you need quickly, before you get emotionally invested. For example, he recommends that, after you have a level of intimacy with a guy, you completely cut him off for one day. Block his number so you don’t see calls or text messages. Contact him the next day and say you lost your phone. How he reacts will give you useful information. That approach is not for everyone, but it might be useful in your situation. Good luck!

        1. That sounds really stupid. Like, what if he thinks you’ve been kidnapped or murdered?

          I don’t believe in testing a guy but being perceptive.

    2. Learn to recognize it in the kiss.
      It’s all there in the kiss.
      Hunger, exploration, willing to experiment, learn what turns each other on. It all translates to the bedroom. From the kiss. Good luck.

      1. My experience has been that you can tell a lot by the kiss but not everything. My ex was a great kisser but I found out too late that unfortunately that that doesn’t necessarily translate to the bedroom. There is a compatibility that from my experience can’t be fully found out until you are both naked with each other. I’ve also had the experience of kissing someone who was okay at kissing but phenomenal in bed. I never would have guessed and was surprised. As romantic as that notion is, you cannot fully tell just from someone’s kiss.

  • How do I discuss with my boyfriend that there is not enough touch in our relationship? I think he finds me attractive, but he is not a touchy guy.

    1. “it would really turn me on IF you would touch me more”

      What not to say:
      “it would really turn me on if you bought me chocolate, vacuumed the apartment, did the dishes, and organized all my papers.”

      “it would really turn me on if you did all of my work, studied for my tests, went to the gym for me, got on a diet for me, and brought me ice cream with toppings – specifically chocolate chips, Andes mints, and maraschino cherries.”

  • This is how I feel with my current bf. He’s the best, but I just don’t feel anything when we kiss. And I kind of miss those butterflies. I remember the first time I held hands with my ex. The first time he kissed me. I waited desperately but patiently for that first kiss. It felt like my heart was gonna pop out of my chest. I recall that moment and my heart starts pounding, even though he’s no longer in my life. LOL! unbelievable LOL I don’t know what to do. Are butterflies more important than having someone that supports you? Someone that is always there? SIGH.

  • This is all so true! You need sexual chemistry, sexual desire with your partner and want to engage in these points daily.

    I was a virgin before getting married (only kissed three guys before my husband). Now…just because I didn’t have sex before I got married doesn’t mean that I didn’t have desire. I have always had a very strong sex drive.

    Unfortunately, I married someone who had/has no desire for sex or intimacy of any kind. We had sex 5 times a week for the first three months of our marriage but after the first three months he would only want to have sex once a month! And after 10 years of only once a month (and it would only last two mins, no making out, just him jumping on top of me and finishing himself) we have now only had sex twice in the past 7 years. We’ve been married 17 years now.

    Although I initiated constantly I was rejected constantly and we only had sex when he wanted to (which was once a month and usually I was asleep when he would initiate) but I still was always happy to have sex with him. I would be into it – moaning, talking dirty, do whatever position he wanted. I was engaged in the activity.

    To say that we are sexually incompatible though is an understatement of huge proportions. We also have a lot of other problems but this is the one problem that is pushing me over the edge to want to cheat on him. I still desire to have sex 5 times a week and after going 4 years now without any sexual contact, no kissing, no holding hands, etc. it’s breaking me down.

    I don’t have a choice of divorce because of religious beliefs but I know that even after 17 years if I had married someone that cared about sexual intimacy as much as I do we would still want each other physically, because I care about it and to this day would flirt and tease and whisper dirty things in his ear but I married someone that gets mad at me when I bring up buying lingerie to wear for him.

    Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to this area of your marriage…either wanting or *not* wanting sexual intimacy and how they respond to your anticipation, attention, and excitement. Otherwise you’ll both be very miserable.

    1. Hey Natasha,

      I just wanna say thank you for sharing your story and give us an advise about this. I was at the same situation in my relationship, where he doesn’t care at all about sex, in fact he hate it, not because it was with me, he just hate sex because he always failed to enjoy it. He was an amazing guy, the real catch and has everything I want, but that problem slowly ruining the relationship. We finally broke up and I am still thinking he is amazing guy and wondering what could have been if we still together, would he change his behavior towards sex, etc.

      When I read your story I realize that could be happened to me if I continue that relationship, i will be devastated and not be happy in my relationship. It is hard for me to move on from him but reading your story has given me realization of the risk that I would take if I ended up with him. So thank you for your story, it means a lot to me and Make me learned from tour lesson.


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