When it first happens it feels like magic.
You get a guy who makes your heart flutter. When you’re around one another you both can keeps your hands off. You kiss constantly.
Hours pass like minutes. It’s like your brain is on overdrive when you’re together.
You both spend a whole weekend together and still can’t wait to tear one another’s clothes off when you get home.
This is sexual chemistry, and it’s a powerful force.
Can You Create Sexual Chemistry? The Difficult Truth…
We all know that there are things we can do to make ourselves more sexually attractive: getting fit, dressing to our physique, taking care of our skin and diet, having confidence and strong body language…the list goes on.
But can we make ourselves more attractive to a specific person? What about in relationships? Can we create chemistry between anyone if we just get the right formula?
In my years of coaching, I’ve heard from many women who tell me some story like the following:
“I have this guy I’m seeing. He’s such a thoughtful, loving man, and we get on so well. He’s educated and always looks out for me – he even loves spending time with my kids. Yet…I just don’t feel that passionate sexual chemistry with him that I’ve felt with men I’ve dated in the past. But I think he’s amazing. What can I do to fix the sexual part?”
The sad, unfortunate answer is, not a lot.
Unless this guy transforms over night and brings out some serious masculine charisma that never existed before, or suddenly alters his entire personality and DNA, chances are the base level of sexual chemistry isn’t going to change.
So lesson #1 here is going to be a simple (potentially painful) truth: You have to choose a guy you already feel a base level sexual attraction for. You cannot create something out of nothing (no matter how great a person he is).
Now, that being said, is it not the case that with some guys you end up getting more and more attracted to them over time? Of course.
But it needs to begin with some initial spark – some part of him that already excites you physically. The best test is usually the first time you get intimate together. You’ll soon know if all those things – his smell, his naked body, his touch, his kissing – turns you on and make you want more.
If they don’t, then sadly, chances are very low that things will improve later if that spark doesn’t arise upon first contact.
How Much Should You Care About Sexual Chemistry?
Well, the short answer is: It depends how much you and your partner care about sex.
I’ve found that this answer is very different for different people.
But the fact remains: most of us on this earth are sexual creatures.
We need physical intimacy. It’s just one of the important ways we express our love and emotions – without it, relationships tend to suffer over the long-term, and a lack of intimacy is one of the biggest signs of a doomed relationship.
So I’ll just say this: Do not fall into the trap of making sexual chemistry a secondary concern.
Yes, there are many important things other than: emotional connection, mutual respect, kindness, support and a lifelong teammate.
But the physical side of things is also a crucial part of long-term happiness, not an added bonus if you can get it. Studies still show that the happiest couples have sex 2-3 times a week, and that people are 55% more likely to report higher levels of happiness when they have sex every few days.
Clearly then, finding the right sexual formula is no small matter. The future of our relationships may just depend on it.
The Sexual Formula That Keeps Relationships Happy
Now, although you can’t make yourself wild with desire for a guy if you don’t find him sexy, once you’re already with a guy who turns you on physically, there are ways to ignite that fire even more so that it doesn’t fade after the first 6-9 months.
Some absolute essentials to this are as follows: ANTICIPATION + ATTENTION + EXCITEMENT
Let’s go through all three of these elements and spell out exactly what they mean…
Crazy sex might happen naturally at first, but it’s necessary to find ways to keep yourself excited about your partner.
One easy way to do this is anticipation.
The human imagination is a powerful force. Just the act of talking about together with your guy about the sexual things you’d like to do together is an amazing way to keep the chemistry even when you’re apart.
For example, send him a text that says something like, “Just had a naughty flashback from the other night. God I can’t wait to see you this weekend.”
When he gets this message, all kinds of exciting thoughts and images will race through his mind, and he’ll get super turned on every time he thinks about seeing you next. Encourage him to do the same and you’ll both feel like you want to throw down on the bed as soon as you next see one another.
Anticipation can also involve talking openly about the kinds of things you like sexually (even if you don’t do them yet).
Maybe it’s exchanging fantasy scenarios, or talking about sexy underwear, or just saying what you like about one another’s bodies.
Remember: sexual chemistry isn’t just about when you’re actually having sex. It’s all those fun, cheeky conversations that happen in between where you stimulate the imagination and send each other wild with lustful thoughts.
If you want great sex to last with a guy, you must pay attention to each other’s needs.
How does he like being touched? Do you talk about what really turns you both on? Do you like talking dirty? Anything kinky?
Paying attention to what gets you both sexually turned on and then doing it makes for mind-blowing sexual chemistry.
See, it’s not enough just to be physically attracted to one another. We’d all like it to be, but just ask any couple that has been together for 10 years – that part fades over time.
What you can do though is become an expert on what drives you both crazy in and out of the bedroom.
Ask each other questions. Try out new things and see how your partner reacts. Get him to open up to you when the time is right and make a mental note of what he says.
The biggest mistake people make in relationships is assuming that what turns them on is the same as what turns their partner on.
But the best relationships work on a principle of constant giving and generosity, and the same goes for the sexual side of things. Pay attention to your partner’s needs and you’ll find it ten times easier to keep each other satisfied for years to come.
We’ve all read those endless articles about how to “spice” things up in the bedroom.
But what this ultimately comes down to is something very simple: Maintain variety, be bold, and keep things interesting.
Sexual desire is a tricky enough subject as it is. We all get anxious about revealing this most personal side of who we are.
So if you want to create sexual chemistry, you need to create a culture where you both feel completely comfortable to try new things, make suggestions, and do it completely without judgment.
When you do this, you’ll have a sense of constant discovery in your sex life, where you feel like there is always a sense of novelty as you and your partner feel free to explore together, whether it’s through toys, roleplay, words, or new sexual positions. Have fun and enjoy expressing your physical desires!
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So there you have it: Three essential elements of the sexual formula that not only maintains chemistry, but helps you multiply it when you meet a guy you really like.
The biggest lesson with regards to sexual chemistry is that we can’t afford to be complacent.
When people get lazy and stop prioritising their own and their partner’s sexual pleasure, they takes things for granted, and that’s when boredom and fatigue inevitably kick in.
Make you and your partner’s pleasure a priority, and you’ll be able to keep the sexual flame burning long past the crazy fireworks of the first 6 months!