When it first happens it feels like magic.
You get a guy who makes your heart flutter. When you’re around one another you both can keeps your hands off. You kiss constantly.
Hours pass like minutes. It’s like your brain is on overdrive when you’re together.
You both spend a whole weekend together and still can’t wait to tear one another’s clothes off when you get home.
This is sexual chemistry, and it’s a powerful force.
Can You Create Sexual Chemistry? The Difficult Truth…
We all know that there are things we can do to make ourselves more sexually attractive: getting fit, dressing to our physique, taking care of our skin and diet, having confidence and strong body language…the list goes on.
But can we make ourselves more attractive to a specific person? What about in relationships? Can we create chemistry between anyone if we just get the right formula?
In my years of coaching, I’ve heard from many women who tell me some story like the following:
“I have this guy I’m seeing. He’s such a thoughtful, loving man, and we get on so well. He’s educated and always looks out for me – he even loves spending time with my kids. Yet…I just don’t feel that passionate sexual chemistry with him that I’ve felt with men I’ve dated in the past. But I think he’s amazing. What can I do to fix the sexual part?”
The sad, unfortunate answer is, not a lot.
Unless this guy transforms over night and brings out some serious masculine charisma that never existed before, or suddenly alters his entire personality and DNA, chances are the base level of sexual chemistry isn’t going to change.
So lesson #1 here is going to be a simple (potentially painful) truth: You have to choose a guy you already feel a base level sexual attraction for. You cannot create something out of nothing (no matter how great a person he is).
Now, that being said, is it not the case that with some guys you end up getting more and more attracted to them over time? Of course.
But it needs to begin with some initial spark – some part of him that already excites you physically. The best test is usually the first time you get intimate together. You’ll soon know if all those things – his smell, his naked body, his touch, his kissing – turns you on and make you want more.
If they don’t, then sadly, chances are very low that things will improve later if that spark doesn’t arise upon first contact.
How Much Should You Care About Sexual Chemistry?
Well, the short answer is: It depends how much you and your partner care about sex.
I’ve found that this answer is very different for different people.
But the fact remains: most of us on this earth are sexual creatures.
We need physical intimacy. It’s just one of the important ways we express our love and emotions – without it, relationships tend to suffer over the long-term, and a lack of intimacy is one of the biggest signs of a doomed relationship.
So I’ll just say this: Do not fall into the trap of making sexual chemistry a secondary concern.
Yes, there are many important things other than: emotional connection, mutual respect, kindness, support and a lifelong teammate.
But the physical side of things is also a crucial part of long-term happiness, not an added bonus if you can get it. Studies still show that the happiest couples have sex 2-3 times a week, and that people are 55% more likely to report higher levels of happiness when they have sex every few days.
Clearly then, finding the right sexual formula is no small matter. The future of our relationships may just depend on it.
The Sexual Formula That Keeps Relationships Happy
Now, although you can’t make yourself wild with desire for a guy if you don’t find him sexy, once you’re already with a guy who turns you on physically, there are ways to ignite that fire even more so that it doesn’t fade after the first 6-9 months.
Some absolute essentials to this are as follows: ANTICIPATION + ATTENTION + EXCITEMENT
Let’s go through all three of these elements and spell out exactly what they mean…
1. Anticipation
Crazy sex might happen naturally at first, but it’s necessary to find ways to keep yourself excited about your partner.
One easy way to do this is anticipation.
The human imagination is a powerful force. Just the act of talking about together with your guy about the sexual things you’d like to do together is an amazing way to keep the chemistry even when you’re apart.
For example, send him a text that says something like, “Just had a naughty flashback from the other night. God I can’t wait to see you this weekend.”
When he gets this message, all kinds of exciting thoughts and images will race through his mind, and he’ll get super turned on every time he thinks about seeing you next. Encourage him to do the same and you’ll both feel like you want to throw down on the bed as soon as you next see one another.
Anticipation can also involve talking openly about the kinds of things you like sexually (even if you don’t do them yet).
Maybe it’s exchanging fantasy scenarios, or talking about sexy underwear, or just saying what you like about one another’s bodies.
Remember: sexual chemistry isn’t just about when you’re actually having sex. It’s all those fun, cheeky conversations that happen in between where you stimulate the imagination and send each other wild with lustful thoughts.
2. Attention
If you want great sex to last with a guy, you must pay attention to each other’s needs.
How does he like being touched? Do you talk about what really turns you both on? Do you like talking dirty? Anything kinky?
Paying attention to what gets you both sexually turned on and then doing it makes for mind-blowing sexual chemistry.
See, it’s not enough just to be physically attracted to one another. We’d all like it to be, but just ask any couple that has been together for 10 years – that part fades over time.
What you can do though is become an expert on what drives you both crazy in and out of the bedroom.
Ask each other questions. Try out new things and see how your partner reacts. Get him to open up to you when the time is right and make a mental note of what he says.
The biggest mistake people make in relationships is assuming that what turns them on is the same as what turns their partner on.
But the best relationships work on a principle of constant giving and generosity, and the same goes for the sexual side of things. Pay attention to your partner’s needs and you’ll find it ten times easier to keep each other satisfied for years to come.
3. Excitement
We’ve all read those endless articles about how to “spice” things up in the bedroom.
But what this ultimately comes down to is something very simple: Maintain variety, be bold, and keep things interesting.
Sexual desire is a tricky enough subject as it is. We all get anxious about revealing this most personal side of who we are.
So if you want to create sexual chemistry, you need to create a culture where you both feel completely comfortable to try new things, make suggestions, and do it completely without judgment.
When you do this, you’ll have a sense of constant discovery in your sex life, where you feel like there is always a sense of novelty as you and your partner feel free to explore together, whether it’s through toys, roleplay, words, or new sexual positions. Have fun and enjoy expressing your physical desires!
* * * *
So there you have it: Three essential elements of the sexual formula that not only maintains chemistry, but helps you multiply it when you meet a guy you really like.
The biggest lesson with regards to sexual chemistry is that we can’t afford to be complacent.
When people get lazy and stop prioritising their own and their partner’s sexual pleasure, they takes things for granted, and that’s when boredom and fatigue inevitably kick in.
Make you and your partner’s pleasure a priority, and you’ll be able to keep the sexual flame burning long past the crazy fireworks of the first 6 months!
Wow. Finally:) Thank you for this. I’ve been waiting a while for your blog to touch on sexuality and the importance of it. And you’re right….it took me 10 years of being in a lukewarm relationship to understand that the base foundation for sexual chemistry is either there or it isn’t. I went without satisfying sex (or no sex at all) for ten years.
So here’s the dilemma. This makes dating tricky. I understand that for me, sexuality is important in a mate. And I’ve found that there is no real way for me to discern what is there until actually being intimate with someone. But the unfortunate truth is that if you have sex with a man within the first few dates, my experience is that you get put into the ‘sex box’ by men….you become less a serious prospect and more as a playmate. How does a sensual woman like me navigate this in dating, how to find that balance between too soon and not soon enough. I haven’t seemed to find it. HElP!!
I have read the book. But here’s the thing…if you wait until you’re both at the emotional hookpoint, there is a chance that you might finally get each other in bed and realize there isn’t the right sexual chemistry. It’s a double edged sword and hard to find a balance. My experience has been that you might be able to guess at what each guy is like in bed but you don’t know until you are there….sigh. If you wait until too long until you are invested, it makes finding out that you don’t have chemistry in bed even more messy.
Another blog I love is black girls are easy.com. It sounds crazy, but it’s a great resource on dating from the man’s point of view for women of any race. To paraphrase, he is a proponent of little tests that will help you get the information you need quickly, before you get emotionally invested. For example, he recommends that, after you have a level of intimacy with a guy, you completely cut him off for one day. Block his number so you don’t see calls or text messages. Contact him the next day and say you lost your phone. How he reacts will give you useful information. That approach is not for everyone, but it might be useful in your situation. Good luck!
That sounds really stupid. Like, what if he thinks you’ve been kidnapped or murdered?
I don’t believe in testing a guy but being perceptive.
Learn to recognize it in the kiss.
It’s all there in the kiss.
Hunger, exploration, willing to experiment, learn what turns each other on. It all translates to the bedroom. From the kiss. Good luck.
SO I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE?
I CAN TELL FROM THE KISS???
My experience has been that you can tell a lot by the kiss but not everything. My ex was a great kisser but I found out too late that unfortunately that that doesn’t necessarily translate to the bedroom. There is a compatibility that from my experience can’t be fully found out until you are both naked with each other. I’ve also had the experience of kissing someone who was okay at kissing but phenomenal in bed. I never would have guessed and was surprised. As romantic as that notion is, you cannot fully tell just from someone’s kiss.
How do I discuss with my boyfriend that there is not enough touch in our relationship? I think he finds me attractive, but he is not a touchy guy.
“it would really turn me on IF you would touch me more”
What not to say:
“it would really turn me on if you bought me chocolate, vacuumed the apartment, did the dishes, and organized all my papers.”
“it would really turn me on if you did all of my work, studied for my tests, went to the gym for me, got on a diet for me, and brought me ice cream with toppings – specifically chocolate chips, Andes mints, and maraschino cherries.”
This is how I feel with my current bf. He’s the best, but I just don’t feel anything when we kiss. And I kind of miss those butterflies. I remember the first time I held hands with my ex. The first time he kissed me. I waited desperately but patiently for that first kiss. It felt like my heart was gonna pop out of my chest. I recall that moment and my heart starts pounding, even though he’s no longer in my life. LOL! unbelievable LOL I don’t know what to do. Are butterflies more important than having someone that supports you? Someone that is always there? SIGH.
I’m at work!
I have a meeting with my boss in 2 minutes.
Nope… still not having sex.
Great article/blog! I couldn’t agree more with you.
Love the articles…Keep them coming….;)
This is all so true! You need sexual chemistry, sexual desire with your partner and want to engage in these points daily.
I was a virgin before getting married (only kissed three guys before my husband). Now…just because I didn’t have sex before I got married doesn’t mean that I didn’t have desire. I have always had a very strong sex drive.
Unfortunately, I married someone who had/has no desire for sex or intimacy of any kind. We had sex 5 times a week for the first three months of our marriage but after the first three months he would only want to have sex once a month! And after 10 years of only once a month (and it would only last two mins, no making out, just him jumping on top of me and finishing himself) we have now only had sex twice in the past 7 years. We’ve been married 17 years now.
Although I initiated constantly I was rejected constantly and we only had sex when he wanted to (which was once a month and usually I was asleep when he would initiate) but I still was always happy to have sex with him. I would be into it – moaning, talking dirty, do whatever position he wanted. I was engaged in the activity.
To say that we are sexually incompatible though is an understatement of huge proportions. We also have a lot of other problems but this is the one problem that is pushing me over the edge to want to cheat on him. I still desire to have sex 5 times a week and after going 4 years now without any sexual contact, no kissing, no holding hands, etc. it’s breaking me down.
I don’t have a choice of divorce because of religious beliefs but I know that even after 17 years if I had married someone that cared about sexual intimacy as much as I do we would still want each other physically, because I care about it and to this day would flirt and tease and whisper dirty things in his ear but I married someone that gets mad at me when I bring up buying lingerie to wear for him.
Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to this area of your marriage…either wanting or *not* wanting sexual intimacy and how they respond to your anticipation, attention, and excitement. Otherwise you’ll both be very miserable.
Hey Natasha,
I just wanna say thank you for sharing your story and give us an advise about this. I was at the same situation in my relationship, where he doesn’t care at all about sex, in fact he hate it, not because it was with me, he just hate sex because he always failed to enjoy it. He was an amazing guy, the real catch and has everything I want, but that problem slowly ruining the relationship. We finally broke up and I am still thinking he is amazing guy and wondering what could have been if we still together, would he change his behavior towards sex, etc.
When I read your story I realize that could be happened to me if I continue that relationship, i will be devastated and not be happy in my relationship. It is hard for me to move on from him but reading your story has given me realization of the risk that I would take if I ended up with him. So thank you for your story, it means a lot to me and Make me learned from tour lesson.
X
Winda
Thank you for your sharing. I am worried that I lack creative ideas. It is your article that makes me full of hope. Thank you. But, I have a question, can you help me?
I don’t think the title of your article matches the content lol. Just kidding, mainly because I had some doubts after reading the article.
Thinking Process:
1. **Deconstruct the Request:**
* Goal: Write a comment on a blog post.
* Persona: Real Reddit user, casual, direct, slightly opinionated.
* Length: 1-2 sentences max, sometimes just one short reaction.
* Rules: No filler, no formal language, specific to content, vary length, sound human (contractions, incomplete thoughts okay), NO emojis, NO exclamation marks (unless truly excited, but the prompt suggests avoiding them generally, and Reddit often avoids them too; I’ll stick to no exclamation marks to be safe).
* input Article: “Finding That Crazy Sexual Formula | Matthew Hussey”.
* Input Content: A comment from a user named “Love” dated Nov 30, 2016. The user expresses relief the blog touched on sexuality. They mention a 10-year lukewarm relationship where sex wasn’t satisfying. They note that sexual chemistry is either there or isn’t. They have a dilemma: they need sex to discern chemistry, but having sex early leads men to put them in the “sex box” (less serious prospect). They ask how to navigate this balance.
2. **Brainstorming Angles (Reddit Style):**
* *Angle 1: The “sex box” fear.* Reddit often pushes back against the idea that women get penalized too heavily for early sex, or suggests that the “sex box” is a filter for good men.
* *Drafting 1:* If a guy dismisses you just because you were horny on date 2, he’s not your guy anyway. You need to date guys who respect autonomy.
* *Critique:* A bit preachy. “He’s not your guy” is classic Reddit. Good.
* *Refinement:* “If a man drops you because you were down for sex early, you just filtered out a red flag. Spend time with people who appreciate a mutually interested partner without making it a transaction.”
* *Check Rules:* 2 sentences. No emojis. No exclamation marks. Specific to “sex box” and filtering. Casual? “drops you”, “horny” (maybe too casual? “down for sex” is better). “filtered out a red flag” is good Reddit speak.
* *Result:* “If a guy writes you off because you showed interest early, you just saved yourself time moving forward. Date better people instead of dancing around the timing to prove your value.”
* *Angle 2: The timing dilemma.*
* *Drafting:* You don’t need full intercourse to check chemistry. Kissing hard tells you a lot.
* *Refinement:* “You can test the spark with a deep kiss before committing to full rounds and avoid the whole sex box issue. If that doesn’t light you up, save yourself the trouble.”
* *Check Rules:* 2 sentences. Specific to “discern what is there”. Casual. “full rounds”, “light you up”. Good.
* *Angle 3: Opinionated/Direct.*
* *Drafting:* The sex box is a myth if you have boundaries.
* *Refinement:* “The sex box usually only traps people who have zero boundaries otherwise. Act like a serious person and you’ll get treated like one, regardless of when things happen.”
* *Check Rules:* 2 sentences. Opinionated. Direct. No filler. Good.
* *Angle 4: Short/Reaction.*
* *Drafting:* 10 years is a long time to wait. No sex is no sex.
* *Refinement:* “10 years in a lukewarm sexless relationship is a hard lesson but glad you’re out now. Hopefully this time you trust your gut faster.”
* *Check Rules:* 2 sentences. References “10 years”, “lukewarm”. Good.
3. **Selecting the Best Option based on Constraints:**
* I need *one* comment output.
* The prompt asks for “1-2 sentences max”, “casual”, “direct”, “slightly opinionated”, “no filler”, “specific”.
* *Option A1 (Refinement):* “If a guy writes you off because you showed interest early, you just saved yourself time moving forward. Date better people instead of dancing around the timing to prove your value.”
* *Pros:* Hits the “sex box” concern directly. Very Reddit. “Dancing around timing” references the balance dilemma.
* *Cons:* “Date better people” can sound a bit condescending, which is fine for Reddit, but “dancing around the timing” is specific.
* *Length:* 2 sentences.
* *No exclamation marks?* Checked.
* *No emojis?* Checked.
* *Specific?* References the consequence of early sex and the strategy.
* *Verdict:* Strong contender.
* *Option A2 (Refinement):* “You can gauge that chemistry with a kiss or just the vibe early on without needing to sleep with them right away. If you’re worried about the sex box, issue some vetoes and you’ll see who treats you like a human and who just wants a hobby.”
* *Pros:* “Gauge chemistry” references “discern what is there”. “Sex box” referenced. “Veto” is Reddit advice.
* *Cons:* A bit longer/wordier? No, it’s two sentences.
* *Verdict:* Also good, but maybe less punchy than A1.
* *Option A3 (Short/Punchy):* “If a man puts you in the sex box for being interested early, he’s not the type you want anyway. You gotta trust the chemistry and let the wrong ones expose themselves.”
* *Pros:* Direct. Opinionated. References “sex box”, “chemistry”.
* *Cons:* “Gotta” is casual. Good.
* *Length:* 2 sentences.
* *Verdict:* This feels very Reddit. “Let the wrong ones expose themselves” is a classic sentiment.
* *Comparison:* A3 is concise, opinionated, references the core conflict (sex box vs finding chemistry), uses casual language (“gotta”), and fits the 1-2 sentence rule perfectly. It avoids filler. It has no emojis or exclamation marks.
* *Final Polish (A3 variation for maximum “Reddit” feel):*
“If a guy drops you because you were down for sex early, you just filtered out a red flag. Focus on finding guys who respect your autonomy and you’ll skip the whole mind game about timing.”
* *Critique:* “Drops you” is good. “Filtered out a red flag” is very Reddit. “Mind game” references the “tricky” dating aspect.
* *Length:* 2 sentences.
* *Result:* This is solid.
* *Alternative “one sentence” option just in case the user prefers shorter:*
“The sex box only traps people who can’t set boundaries, so act like a serious person and the right guys will treat you like one regardless of when things happen.”
* *Critique:* Good, but the two-sentence version allows for a slightly more nuanced “reality check” which feels more like a helpful comment.
* *Decision:* I’ll go with a variation that hits the “filter” hard, as that’s the most common Reddit rebuttal to the “sex shaming” anxiety.
* *Final Text:* “If a guy writes you off because you showed interest early, you just filtered out someone who wouldn’t treat you well anyway. Stop worrying about the timing and start worrying about finding men who appreciate a partner, not just a plaything.”
* *Wait, check “NO exclamation marks”.* The text has no exclamation marks. Good.
* *Check “casual”.* “Writes you off”, “showed interest”, “filter out”. It’s okay, but “writes you off” is slightly formal? “Dumps you” or “drops you” is more casual.
* *Revised Text:* “If a dude drops you because you were down for sex early, you just saved yourself months of dating a guy who only wanted one thing. You need to find partners who value you as a person, not just audit your schedule.”
* *Check “audit your schedule”.* A bit metaphorical? Maybe too creative.
* *Back to simple Reddit.* “If a guy loses interest because you were down for sex early, that’s his loss, not yours. You just filtered out a red flag and now you can keep looking for someone who actually respects you.”
* *Critique:* “That’s his loss” is good. “Filtered out a red flag” is good. 2 sentences. Specific to the “sex box” result. Casual.
* *Result:* This is the winner.
* *Final Output Construction:*
“If a guy loses interest because you were down for sex early, that’s his loss and you just filtered out a red flag. Stop trying to game the timing and start dating men who respect your autonomy instead of just wanting a hobby player.”