I find one topic almost no one wants to talk about is money.
So in this week’s video, I sat down with my good friend Ramit Sethi, bestselling author and CEO of “I Will Teach You To Be Rich,” to learn exactly how to have these difficult conversations so you can feel happy and secure about money in your relationship…
What’s the one piece of money advice you found most useful?
Leave your comment below…
Matthew: I am here today with a friend of mine. A special guest. His name is Ramit Sethi. CEO of, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, and he’s right here.
Ramit Sethi: How you doing?
Matthew:I’m good.
Ramit Sethi: Thanks for having me.
Matthew:It’s exciting… This is…We always meet for like dinner.
Ramit Sethi: I know.
Matthew: And we never have met on camera.I love this. Is this our first time being on camera?
Ramit Sethi: Ah… Yeah.Wow. This is a first.
Matthew: I know.
Ramit Sethi: I can feel the energy.
Matthew:I’m nervous. [Laughter] So here’s what I did. I put out the word on Instagram to say I’m gonna be talking about money in the next video.Money in relationships. Money in dating.What do you wanna know?Here’s what you had to say, and I’m just gonna fire these questions at you, Ramit, I love it. and let’s see where we get to. 1.If he can’t financially provide for a family, should you proceed with the relationship?
Ramit Sethi: My god… They’re really…
Matthew: Did you know I’d be putting you on the spot to this extent?
Ramit Sethi: I’m sweating.It’s fifty degrees, and I’m dripping in sweat.I think the politically correct answer is that…Of course, you know, there’s more to life than just financially providing, but I think we should be honest. I think that for many people…your financial wherewithal is an important consideration in a relationship, and we should be honest.Now should it be the only thing? No, of course not, but if you think about the kind of lifestyle that you wanna lead, and that you wanna lead jointly with your partner.That probably involves money.That involves maybe living in a certain place.It involves how many kids you wanna have, what kind of school are they gonna go to, and activities?That takes money, and I think we should instead of putting our head in the sand and saying, ‘Love is enough. ‘ Love is important, but it’s one part of a relationship, and finances are really important.If you expect to live a certain type of lifestyle, and that’s what you envisioned your whole life, then the partner that you choose needs to be aligned with that.
Matthew: Or you need to be prepared to re-evaluate your vision.
Ramit Sethi: Exactly.
Matthew: For the life you thought you’d have, right? If love really is enough, Yes. If love really is enough, then it’s enough to re-evaluate your entire blueprint for the life you thought you’d have.
Ramit Sethi: Absolutely, and there’s a lot of that to be said.When you get into a partnership, when you get into a serious relationship…The vision you had for your life will necessarily change.It has to, because now you’re a team, you’re not just one.That’s okay.I actually look forward to that. I welcome that, but you do not want to be bringing resentment into a relationship.You wanna be confident and comfortable with what your vision is, and make sure that you’re on the same page.
Matthew: Yeah, and we’ll probably summarize that by saying, either change your vision, or change the person.
Ramit Sethi: There you go. One of the two.
Matthew: 2. What to pay for on dates so that he won’t think you’re taking advantage of him. What things should he pay for?
Ramit Sethi: Okay, first of all, I just wanna say, you have the single best answer anywhere in the world on this question. Everybody go watch his video. It’s so good… About, should you pay for the date?
Matthew: Jameson, throw up a little clip of that.
If you go on a date with a guy, and you don’t offer to pay your share, you weren’t taught right. If you go on a date and he doesn’t pay, he wasn’t taught right.
Ramit Sethi: I love what you said on your video though.Making the offer matters, and I think after two or three dates…Like really making a strong offer and saying, ‘This one’s on me’. It goes so far… It goes so far, and I told my wife when we met and we started getting more serious… I said, you wouldn’t believe what it meant to me that you actually picked up the check after date number three or four. Like it meant a lot to me, and she was surprised. I don’t think she had realized what men’s perspective on this is.
Matthew: Well, I think that is the danger…Is that it’s such an intensely, awkward subject for a guy to even bring up,
Ramit Sethi: Oh yeah.
Matthew: For a guy to even bring up that he’s far more likely just to hold on to this resentment about it that’s gonna come out later down the line, or even decide to stop going on dates with this person altogether, because he feels taken for granted.
Ramit Sethi: Yeah.
Matthew: 3. Is it better to have separate bank accounts, and pay for things half-half, or have one joint account to pay for things with?
Ramit Sethi: Both. What I would recommend for everyone is have a joint account where you combine some of your finances, and that would be things like, maybe your mortgage, or your rent, groceries. Things that are joint expenses. From that you also have your individual accounts.That’s money you can take, and spend on whatever you want.No questions asked. It’s your discretion. Go and enjoy, and you can discuss how much goes in each account, but I think it’s important to have a joint unit, and individual units.
Matthew: I like that.So you have a sense of togetherness about something, but you don’t lose that sense of independence in what you’re doing financially.
Ramit Sethi: Exactly.
Matthew: 4.How do you tell a potential partner that you have a lot of student loan debt without making them run the other way?
Ramit Sethi: That’s a good one.
Matthew: I guess that we could apply that not just to student loan debt, but you know, anyone with credit card debt, or any kind of financial baggage.
Ramit Sethi: Yup.
Matthew: How do they communicate that?What responsibility do they have to communicate that?
Ramit Sethi: They definitely have a responsibility.If you’re getting into a partnership, you gotta put it all out on the table, and the way to do that without freaking your partner out is number one, to be proactive.Don’t wait for them to be knocking on the door, and saying, ‘Hey… Like, I have a feeling there’s something not good here… ‘ .That’s a bad place to be.So be proactive, and the second thing is to be calm, to be forthright, and then to tell them your plan.Now notice in order to get there you have to do a lot of work, like ninety-five percent of the people who write me with debt don’t even know how much they actually owe. So to have this conversation means you need to get straight with yourself first, and you need to be confident. That takes some self work before you go and have the conversation with your partner.
Matthew: I really like that. I like the idea that you’re proactive. I like the idea that you bring a confidence to the plan. I think that’s the key, is that you’re…Look, we all find ourselves in difficult positions at one time or another in our life.Things don’t always go to plan, but if we come to someone saying…To me… I always say the same thing to women about if you have a job you don’t like. You don’t have to, you know…Is it more attractive to be doing a job you love? Yes, but you don’t have to be doing a job you love right now. If you do a job you hate right now, you shouldn’t talk all day about the job you hate.
Ramit Sethi: Yes.
Matthew: You should talk about your excitement you should talk about your excitement about the transition you’re trying to make.
Ramit Sethi: Absolutely.
Matthew:Talk about the plan, and so I like the idea that no one’s perfect. You might come to a relationship with debt, or you know, financial issues, but if you can confidently say, here’s what I’m doing about it that, A. Confidence, and B. The perceived competence in you dealing with it.
Ramit Sethi: Yeah.
Matthew: That becomes attractive in and of itself.
Ramit Sethi: Exactly.
Matthew: 5.In a world where men still often are seen in the role of provider and leader, how can a woman financially contribute without hurting a man’s ego? Especially if earning more money than him? I feel like one of the times that, that practically comes up is when the partner earning more money wants to do certain things.
Ramit Sethi: Yup.
Matthew: and you know, wants to take that spontaneous trip somewhere, wants to go and stay in that hotel, wants… And their partner isn’t able to just make that decision to go, and I think probably, culturally speaking that’s harder for a woman who just decides, ‘I wanna go and do this. ‘ and he’s thinking, ‘I can’t. ‘ ‘I don’t have the means to go on that trip you wanna go on. ‘ Do you think in that sense the woman should just…Okay, she wants to go…She just pays, because she’s got the means and he hasn’t, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it? And says, ‘You know, I wanna go, and I don’t mind taking care of it. Let’s go. ‘ What do you think?
Ramit Sethi: I think that first of all, that situation’s complex for either party, man or woman if the higher earner just wants to go somewhere on a whim, but there’s an added layer of complexity with the cultural narrative of it being a woman who has more money.So we should just acknowledge that.That’s a new thing, and we should acknowledge that, that’s tricky for anyone. With that said, if you have the financial wherewithal, and you’re comfortable paying for your partner, that person’s your partner. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. I do love what you just offhandedly said. You said, “Should they not make a big deal out of it?” So much of making finances work is actually not making a big deal of it. Notice I’m not coming to you… ‘Ah… Excuse me, I have this question that makes me really nervous,and I’ve been agonizing over it… ‘ Of course that person’s gonna detect your energy, and they’re gonna get defensive, but if you say, ‘You know what? I’ve been thinking. I really loved how we spent time together two months ago in Italy, and I would love to take a trip to Thailand this December, and I was thinking that I would make it a treat, and we would have a great time. What do you think about that?’
Matthew: Yeah, I think that’s interesting, because there’s… I also think as much as people can come with a timidity about that kind of thing, they can also come with a…Their… From either man or woman…When someone earns more money it’s very easy to it’s very easy to inadvertently bully someone with that.
Ramit Sethi: Like what would they do? What’s an example?
Matthew: I feel like there are times when instead of making little of it, and being like, ‘Don’t worry about it. I just think it would be fun for us to go. ‘ There’s the sense of people almost putting it in someone’s face. ‘I’m doing this for you. ‘
Ramit Sethi: Ah, yeah that’s toxic.
Matthew: ‘I’m doing this for you. ‘ Or even bringing it up at a later date.You know… ‘I’m the one who paid for that trip. ‘ ‘I’m the one who… ‘ It’s very easy when someone has means to kind of psychologically or emotionally bully someone psychologically or emotionally bully someone about that to make them feel less than, because you’re doing it for them.
Ramit Sethi: You have to acknowledge these dynamics.You have to be thinking about this, and that’s just the cost of your success. The cost of your success means you now have to think about things that you didn’t used to have to think about.
Matthew: That was great man.
Ramit Sethi: I loved it.
Matthew: I enjoyed that.
Ramit Sethi: Thanks for having me. That was awesome.
Matthew:I think that was super useful. I’m excited to see what you think. Why don’t you leave us a comment… Let us know what’s the one piece of advice from everything we just talked about that you feel is most useful, and relevant to you right now. Leave us a comment, and go check out Ramit’s site as well. He is at, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, and what’s your Instagram?
Ramit Sethi: Ramit, @Ramit
We’ll see you soon.
Thanks guys.
Ver Good advise. I look back when I dated a man who was offering to do almost everything for me. I was new in dating – he was my first love if I may say, very young just after high school, he was in campus. I was very uncomfortable whenever he did the things, but after a while he would get comfortable. he would accept the little things I would offer to do financially coz was working at a factory – but he would always tell me he will not need it/ we will not need it because he will provide in the family – that we were to have. 3 yrs down we broke up n I was left feeling like a cripple-I can only say thank God I had continued to pursue the carrier I had been offered in campus, I don’t know what would have happened after our break up, if I had let myself to be carried by him through his provision: I would have started dating a married guy who would be able to provide for me (it happened a lot in campus)- not withstanding the consequences.
For many years I gazed back and called him a dream I will never have, but thinking about the fact that he could have been sent so would make it easy for me to turn to married men for provision on sexual favors (they even have nick names here) then it was good I did not get carried away. In this context of money.
Thanks Matthew.
Currently living this situation at home! My new ( just got married, thanks to the MH retreat) husband had to change his job and I am now earning more than he is.
This video was absolutely useful. I would love to learn more about how to not make him feel uncomfortable and emasculated. He always says that he’s frustrated for not being able to give me the life I deserve. Truth is, I don’t need much. Not a high-maintenance woman. I am happy with Netflix binge nights ft. oreos and a glass of milk.
What about stingy men? I am in a long distance relationship and recognize that it costs him time and money to get to my place. In turn I have been happy to have nice meals and food available when he arrives. But somehow it is beginning to feel one-sided. We do out for meals less frequently, and he does treat but always it is just a pizza. It feels a bit stingy
Totally agree with what your saying, just wish I could meet someone like yourselves Keep the good work going guys x
Just don’t make a big deal about it, (money)… the minuet you do it just all goes tits up, then nobody ends up going on the trip. I was bullied with money in a relationship and it’s the most degrading feeling one can feel.
J
I thought of how if the lady makes more than the guy. I feel perhaps we can look at contributing to expenses as percentage to income instead of dollar value. Say the lady makes 200k a year where the male makes 100k. The percentage of a vacation spending should based on each of their income. Say 5% for the lady as well as 5% of the gent. They lady contributes more but both comfortable with their own respects.
It can get even more complicated with debt and so the plans for expenses further changes but that’s where the pie chart of each others financial needs to be understood and agreed. Say male had debt and needs to pay off more so his expenses percentage is less. The lady would help with that as well and both can compromise with how much to spend on what. All based on their percentage relative to their incomes.
I think the most useful comment for m is the last one where you said how they psychologically or emotionally use it against you when they wanted to pay for your trip or something to make you less than.. more often than not, I received this making me feel less power in a relationship making you feel shitty like you didn’t appreciate what they have done for you.. and as Ramirez day, it is toxic. Thank you for all the advise guys.. this is so useful and so awakening!
Thank you Matt for this video on finances in relationships. I also think credit reports should be on the table once you’ve been dating a while. Six months is a significant amount of time & emotional investment but that’s a crucial point where I think you should both be transparent about this. What are your debts? What’s the financial plan? Recently I was in a 3 year relationship w/ a man who wouldn’t fully disclose all of his debts. When he didn’t pay his yearly HOA fees of $200 (miniscule amount) on his rental property, I should have pressed the issue. I asked a couple times and he said he had a disagreement with it and he needed to handle it. So I trusted my man to handle it. Later I found out that was the tip of the iceberg. And I was living w/ this man by that point… I could kick myself for not requiring financial affidavits before we moved in together. Fortunately I protected my credit and assets. I didn’t go in w/ him on any loans etc. I did know his credit score was low but he made excuses that it was because of his divorce a couple years back and he’s working on fixing that. Again, ask to see a financial affidavit and credit report!!! Beware!!!
Fast forward to this fall, I met a great guy, and he insists on paying for dinners. He’s an absolute gentleman in all respects. He seems to have his financial affairs in order. Still, I wonder if he’s hiding anything financially. How do I get to the nitty gritty without being too pushy or nosy or come across too aggressive? I want to find out before my heart is in too deep which it may already be. He said he paid cash for his very nice used car. He has a credit card to use for holidays but pays off afterward. Luckily we both agree it’s best to take a few years before we put marriage on the table and no cohabitation. We have very real and honest conversations but I don’t know how to get full disclosure or when it’s appropriate to ask for it.
Gotta be careful ladies….even if you share a joint account and keep a separate account for “independent savings”….once you marry, if it doesn’t work out –divorce is expensive–he will come after that money too…law states….whatever you saved since you were married is now HALF his! Love hurts
Thank you Ramit and Hussey for having this interview, I learnt a great deal.
The advice I found most relevant to me is that of sharing payments during dates and my partner of me offering to pay at subsequent dates…haha
What stood out the most for me was the toxic way a partner can use money in a relationship.
How do you handle a situation when your new partner plans a vacation then after the vacation says you have to pony up the money for it because they can’t pay any of the tab but neglected to tell you before making the plans or even coming forward to own up to finances?
In other words they blind side you!
My boyfriend earns probably 3 times as much as me.But he is shall I say “careful” with his money, if you know what I mean. He thinks nothing of buying himself a thousand dollar coat, but when my shoes were literary falling off my feet (seriously) we were in a very expensive shoe store and I said I could not afford those pricey shoes, any of them. I think he should have offered to buy me a pair. He did not. I would have done it for him in a hot second and not think twice about it, if the “shoe” was on the other foot. Pun intended. My question is. Should I have spoken up or just keep my mouth shut. Sally
Regarding the “Love is enough” statement, and the two roads discussed: Either change your vision of your life or perhaps the partner is no the right one. Perhaps there is a third option? Perhaps the third option could be to discuss together a path to increased financial security for both partners to attain. If the lower income partner has no interest in challenging themselves to increase earning potential then that right there is the sign that the effort involved in owning a home for example, may never be there. Or may never be there with you. That should give the woman a better indication of a more realistic view.
I really liked the skit and I wanted to participate with the conversation. Ramit I found myself wanting to hear what you say.
Thank you both for this piece of information. I found it useful.
Be proactive and communicate your plan. We were all equal and from a women’s perspective take your soverinity back, take care of yourself first.
Thank you, loved this advice. What stood out for me was your view on the I did this for you, I feel alit of people, girls in particular if they are seeing a guy and he offers to pay for something that it’s almost expected, something in return, ( I did this for you,..remember), I guess I didn’t realize until now this could be toxic
My other half is generous to a fault and works seven days and three evenings a week to save for a house. He insists it’s his job to provide,but I’ve done exactly what you’ve said. I say “This one’s on me or my turn I think or my treat .” I know he appreciates that I make an offer. I don’t always win! He’s always wanting to buy me things when we go shopping and I regularly say no thank you. I periodically tell him “I’ll take/accept because I want NOT because I can.” He now sees that I won’t bleed him dry for the sake of it. Greed and exploitation of a nice guy,any guy are not my thing.
Thank you Matt and Ramit for this video. Matt, money has always been amongst the most ugly minefields in my entire dating experience. This includes men who assume they will be earners and therefore head of the household, men who assert they should “help” me by controlling my finances as well as decide whether or not I work if we have kids, men who make hurtful comments that despite my degrees and scholarships and awards I must be less intelligent because I’m a below female average earner… in short, many past dates have been the sort of blokes who I’ve had to let fown gently during the first course of the first date because dammit I’d rather be at home mopping the floors than wasting a Friday evening with another guy who frames his wealth and his “rights” around his invariably larger earning capacity. I want a partnership that acknowledges the lack of equity and the situation from which this arises, not a dictatorship run by a guy who thinks he knows best and can buy literally you. My current situation is I have a small student debt which is manageable, I have lived independently in gorgeous rented accommodation for 5 years, and a serious and ongoing medical condition has 1) wiped out most my savings in hospital bills, equipment and lifestyle interventions and 2) I am no-longer able to work full time. That’s tough, working reduced hours in even lower-paid work when I’ve always had side hustles, solid savings, and I value my (now threatened) independence. My boyfriend of 8 months is supportive, but owns his place and earns a lot more than me. More than I am likely to earn now. Even though I’m now partly-supported by a pension, he wants us to go on holidays but doesn’t realise that I want this as much as him but need to plan for these expenses a good year in advance if it’s going to happen and I’m going to pay my way – both in terms of my health and my budget. I’m his first gf and worried he is going to think I’m there for his money, and not for the gorgeous, fun, gentle and compassionate guy he is. He is caring, thoughtful, goes the extra mile to support my physical and psychological recovery, he really encourages my optimism but isn’t blind to many realities of my health challenges, he is respectful to elderly members of my family, he puts in effort whenever he takes a turn to cook, he makes the most thoughtful gifts for birthday and Christmas and I am so happy to have him in my life. I had always hoped and expected at this point in my life I would be set up to be in an equal partnership – financially too – and that I’d be stable enough to support my life partner financially if (heaven forbid!) anything should befall him, but I simply don’t have that to offer – that alone is a huge blow for me to come to terms with while I struggle to recover my health and make ends meet just for myself. I also don’t want his family (all lovely people) worrying that I might be in it for financial support, or to leave with a share of his house, as there have been a number of his family members who have been taken advantage of in the past. We speak often about moving in together but no solid plan yet – besides me stating I want to try to get a close to full time work as possible before we move in together. I’ve always been independent and in my own accommodation since I left home. I would love to have some pointers on how to make these conversations honest, loving, and simple – as well as some suggestions about how couples moving in for the first time can protect themselves financially and know that their beloved isn’t in it for money. For example I suggested maybe when the time comes he could rent out his house for solid money while we rent out someplace smaller and cheaper – that way I would not have any legal claim to his house if heaven forbid our relationship breaks down after 12 months so nobody could worry that his hard-earned assets are in jeopardy or make snide comments about my intentions (they hurt), we could both have more saving capacity for travel or buying a more suitable house together one day, we would have an little less house work to negotiate while we both learn to live with a lover for the first time, and we could find somewhere closer to where we are both working to shorten our hectic commutes. Practical advice for women with tattered savings, lower earning potential, and severe health challenges who just wants to build the best life they can with their love, including from a financial point of view, would be so well appreciated. Bank account advice, budgeting, apps that ensure both partners pay equitable shares of the bill, explaining to your SO that you’d love to join him in doing some more expensive things but can not afford to fork out to pay your share and don’t want him to feel obliged to treat you… please help?!
The most imp’t piece of advice i learnt was to not slam him in the face with the time that you spent a good amount for him.
Thank you, Sirs
well I think a woman is setting herself up if she starts paying for big things because the guys nowadays take advantage of us women that are financially stable and don’t need a man for support. I have made that mistake 3 times in 3 relationships… 30 yrs of my life… I ended up paying for everything and the guys stop working for years and years until I finally got used up…I will never do that one again.I would rather take a girlfriend than take a man on something expensive… guys are different now than when my dad was young… Those were the real men…