There are 5 words no one wants to hear: “It’s not you, it’s me . . .”

But the moment we hear that, we don’t believe it. We figure they just don’t want to tell us the real reason. We wonder: “Did they feel we had a lack of chemistry? Was it something I said? Were their friends pressuring them to break up with us?” Our mind starts to spiral and we analyze every single thing we might have done “wrong.”

In today’s video, I share 3 reasons why it truly isn’t about you (REALLY!) and how you can use that knowledge to move on from heartbreak faster.

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Matthew Hussey:

We could have just made a simple intro to this video, but instead, we made you a sketch.

Sketch:

Actor 1: 

Thanks for sitting down with me. I’ve been wanting to have this chat for a while now. 

Actor 2:

I’ve been thinking and. . .

Actor 3:

You know how much I value you. 

Actor 4: 

And the last 3 months have been amazing. 

Actor 1: 

The last nine months. . . 

Actor 2:

How amazing these last two years have been. 

Actor 3:

I just feel like I’ve learned so much from you. Do you realize that? 

Actor 4: 

And how incredible you are? 

Actor 1: 

I think you are really special and have so many amazing qualities. 

Actor 2:

You know how busy I am with work. 

Actor 3:

And you know how busy I’ve been with traveling. 

Actor 4: 

I’ve just been so busy with my sketch comedy group. 

Actor 1: 

And honestly, I haven’t even had enough time for myself right now. 

Actor 2:

And that’s not fair to you. . .

Actor 3:

Because you deserve more than that.

Actor 4: 

You are so beautiful. 

Actor 1: 

You’re so emotionally intelligent.

Actor 2:

 I just don’t think this is working.

Actor 3:

I think right now we should take some space for ourselves.

All actors:

It’s not you. It’s me.

Matthew Hussey: 

Get them exes out of here.

What the f**k does that even mean? It’s not you. It’s me. Words that no one wants to hear.

Because when we hear those words, what we hear is, You’re not telling me the real reason you’re breaking up with me. It’s much, much more painful than what you’re saying out loud.

Now, there’s a truth about 99% of breakups, which is that most people, when they’re the one doing the breaking up, want to come out the good guy.

In other words, at the same time as wanting to reject us and say, I don’t want to be with you anymore, they also want to be the hero of the situation. And of course, the realistic way that someone achieves that when they’re doing the breaking up is by saying something like, It’s not you, it’s me. Because it turns them into the sympathetic character in the story.

It’s about me and problems I have and wounds I have and insurmountable barriers that I have.

But when we hear this, we call BS. We dismiss this phrase because we’re like, You’re just not telling me the real reason you’re breaking up with me, which is definitely way more brutal and hurtful than anything you’re saying out loud.

So we look at this phrase—It’s not you, it’s me—as one that has no actual credibility. One that offers no actual closure.

But I want to do something interesting in this video.

I want to take that phrase—that trite, cliché phrase—It’s not you, it’s me, that we hear in the most devastating moments of our lives, and I want to show you how it’s more true than the person saying it could ever imagine. And how this holds the key to you feeling better about your breakup.

Before we get into this, I am inviting everyone watching this video who is experiencing heartbreak right now of any kind to come and spend an hour with me live, wherever you are in the world, on February 25th.

I am running an experience, an event that is digital and free, called How to Heal from Heartbreak, where I’m going to show you how to heal, get closure, and move through one of the most painful situations in your life.

Whether that happened yesterday, or whether that heartbreak occurred three years ago, or five years ago, and you’re still experiencing it today in some form, this is going to be a highly practical event that is going to help you finally feel better.

I’m passionate about this subject because I know how heartbreak is a wound that can either make us stronger or keep us in a really bad state for a very long time, where it never properly heals.

What I want to help you do is heal the right way. That starts with getting some answers in your mind. It starts with knowing what to do next. It starts with doing the right things instead of the wrong things in that situation and with creating a new story for yourself. The identity of the heartbroken person isn’t an identity I want you to live with for too long.

So, I’m going to help you with everything I’ve learned over the years. It’s on February 25th, and you can sign up for free at LoveLifeTraining.com. 

It’s only happening once. It is going to be live.I will be there, and you will be with me, because I promise you, if you’re heartbroken, this will be the most important hour you spend in 2025. 

I’ll see you there.

So, let’s talk about the feeling we have when someone tells us these words: It’s not you, it’s me.

The bottom line is they’re still trying to be the good guy, and there’s nothing wrong with breaking up with someone. That doesn’t make us a bad person. But we do say things in that moment which are incredibly unrewarding and unsatisfying to the person we’re saying them to.

And when you’re on the receiving end of that phrase—It’s not you, it’s me—you wonder, What’s the real reason? Yeah, yeah, yeah, It’s not me, it’s you. I get it. But what’s the real reason? Why are you actually breaking up with me?

And we deep down suspect that the truth is so brutal, so painful that it could destroy us. But we want that truth. We want to know. We go on this mission to find out.

Here’s what I want you to know.

When someone breaks up with you, you are not dealing with simply a person. You are dealing with an entire universe. And there are so many different parts of that universe that could be having an impact right now on why this person has decided to leave the relationship.

There’s Planet Childhood that is having a massive effect, where they were taught certain things—certain associations around love. They were taught what love is, and some of those might have been good things, and others might have been bad beliefs around what love is.

There’s Planet Role Models.

There’s Planet Society that is telling them what to think about love or the kind of person they should be going for.

There’s Planet Parents, where they learned all sorts of associations about love and relationships from people who may or may not have been good role models.

There’s Planet Stage of Life They’re At.

There’s Planet I Was Thinking of Moving to Australia for a Year and This Messes Up My Plans.

There’s Planet YouTuber He’s Taking Advice From. That’s actually a good planet. He should subscribe to that planet.

There’s Planet I Just Re-Watched the Dark Knight Trilogy and It’s Made Me Realize That I’m in My Misunderstood Hero on a Solitary Journey Phase.

There’s Planet Fitness.

There’s Planet That One Friend Who Sat Him Down After a Game of Pickleball to Tell Him, “Bro, I Mean, You Just Sold Your Company, Dude. You Could Be Doing Whatever You Wanted. You Could Be Living Like a King. You Really Want to Be Tied Down Right Now? You’ve Got the World at Your Feet. You Should Be Living It Up, Man. By the Way, Have You Re-Watched the Dark Knight Trilogy Recently? That Sh*t Holds Up. Christian Bale Is Stacked in That Movie, and That Was Right After He Did The Machinist.“

The point is, there are all these possible variables that are weighing into why someone decided to break up with us.

But we don’t think about any of that complexity in that universe.

What we do is we board Spaceship Insecurity and go out in search of a planet that can explain it all. And the first planet we bump into is normally the one we’re most afraid of. The one that defines our worth.

And when we hit that planet, we say, I found it. This is why they broke up with me.

So, in truth, we’ll probably never have that information from a person.

They’ll never tell us exactly why they broke up with us. We’ll never know their innermost thoughts.

So how do you wrestle with the reasons you give yourself, the assumptions you make, and what those do to your sense of self-worth?

Because this is the thing that happens to so many of us in a breakup is, the reason we imagine is the reason. And maybe we even have some evidence for it, but it becomes the way that we lose our self-worth.

It becomes the way we learn to hate ourselves, to tell ourselves, I’m not good enough. I wasn’t enough to hold on to that person.

What do we do with those reasons?

Well, one of the antidotes to that self-loathing is to realize that even if the reasons we’re telling ourselves are true for the breakup, there’s a way to stop seeing it as being about you.

You can come to realize that when they say, It’s not about you, it’s about me, they’re more right than they’ll ever know.

Let me show you how.

So, what I want to do is take three categories of reasons why someone might have broken up with us. And as I go through these, see which one your brain is telling you it is the most.

And I want to show you in each of these categories how it’s not you, it’s them.

So, we’re going to talk about superficial reasons, perceived incompatibility, and what I call genuine incompatibility. I’ll explain the difference between those two. And in each of these areas, I’m going to show you how it really isn’t you—it’s them.

And for those of you who are saying, No, no, no, Matt, you don’t get it. I really messed it up. I’m the reason we’re not together anymore. Even in that situation, I want to show you how it’s not you.

Let’s address the first—and some would argue, most scary—reason why someone has decided to break up with us: the superficial reason.

They have decided somewhere along the way that we are not attractive enough for them. We’re not hot enough. They don’t like our body enough. They want a different type. They don’t like that thing on our face. We’re too tall. We’re too short. We’re too old. They want someone younger.

They have decided that there is something about us that is not attractive enough.

Many of us are terrified of this proposition because it’s one of the biggest insecurities people have. I’m not good-looking enough. I do not match up to other people. I’m always going to be left because I’m not lovable.

There are a couple of things I want to say about this. One relates to it not being about you, but the first one is to do with radical acceptance.

I believe that whatever we have at birth, and whatever body we grow into, and however our face evolves over time, when it comes to the things that we cannot change, we have to practice radical acceptance.

We have to say, This is me. It cannot be any other way.

And if that’s true, then I need to find someone who is okay with me—at the very least. Hopefully, someone who loves all of me, but at least someone who is okay with all of me.

And I believe that the right person for us is, by definition, the person who values what is valuable about us over and above anything we could be missing.

And make no mistake—we are all missing something. Every single one of us. None of us are perfect. But the right person for us is the person who values what is valuable about us over and above what we are missing.

If someone has failed to perceive our value along the way, if they are not the person who has the capacity to truly appreciate what is special about us, that is on them. And it makes them wrong for us.

Now, some of you will have an inner contrarian that says, Actually, the problem is I never show my value. I don’t think anyone can see my value because I’m so insecure all the time. Or I bring out a side of me that turns people off—whatever it may be.

If you’re saying that to yourself right now, stick with me, because by the end of this video, I’m going to show you that even that part of the equation isn’t about you. I know it sounds ridiculous, but stay with me.

What’s the next reason?

Well, I call it perceived incompatibility on their part. They have decided that there are certain things that just don’t work about this relationship. And that could be any number of things.

One of the most common is a lack of chemistry.

This person has decided, I don’t have enough chemistry in this relationship.

Now, maybe they’re right. But it’s also true that for many people, the kind of chemistry they’re looking for is either unsustainable or unhealthy, and that makes them someone who jumps from relationship to relationship.

It makes them look for someone who’s more toxic, someone who’s going to provide a less healthy dynamic that they thrive on because they’re looking for that roller coaster.

So, we have to be very careful when we get the sense that someone is looking for something or someone more exciting—because often, what they’re looking for is someone, or a dynamic that is less healthy than the one that we provide. In which case, we dodged a bullet by that person looking for somebody else.

So we have to be very careful—this is why I call this perceived incompatibility.

Because someone may be saying, You’re not right for me because I don’t feel the chemistry I want, but the chemistry they want to feel is something that’s not healthy to feel in the first place.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t feel some chemistry in a relationship. But two people can have very different definitions of what the right chemistry actually is.

So, this is a reminder that in many situations where someone breaks up with us because of a lack of chemistry, if they have a very immature, unevolved, or unhealthy view of what chemistry is, then that breakup really wasn’t about you.

It was about them and their associations when it comes to love and attraction.

What’s also true of a lot of areas of perceived incompatibility is that often when someone breaks up with us, they break up with us over something they’ve never really had a proper, intentional conversation with us about.

In other words, we get the news about the ways the relationship isn’t working at a time when we’re no longer being given a shot at doing something about it.

Had someone communicated certain things better at an earlier stage, we might have been able to grow in ways that don’t contradict our values but instead just allow us to provide more value to the relationship or to that person.

Ask yourself right now:

Did this person ever really communicate these things with me in a manner or at a stage that would have allowed me to grow or to adapt so that we could become better teammates for each other?

And if the answer is no, guess what?

It’s not about you. It’s about them.

It’s about their lack of communication in the relationship. That’s why you’re breaking up.

And by the way, if you’re hearing this and going, But they did communicate with me soon enough. They did give me certain information. I just didn’t do anything with it. I wasn’t able to change fast enough. So it is my fault, and I can’t stop beating myself up for that—again, stay with me till the end.

I’m going to show you how it’s not about you.

So, let’s talk about our third category of reasons why someone might break up with us—what I call genuine incompatibility.

What’s the difference between perceived incompatibility and genuine incompatibility?

Well, perceived incompatibility might be a result of someone’s unhealthiness and their view of relationships. That doesn’t come from a good place.

It could also come from their lack of communication, as we already discussed.

But genuine incompatibility is when there’s just a difference between both of you—on your best day—that makes you not right for each other.

And this happens all the time, even with people that we have fallen in love with.

We meet someone who just doesn’t vibe with our ambitions in life.

We meet someone who is extremely deep in conversation all the time, and we’re someone who’s kind of silly in conversation a lot more than they are. We don’t go deep in the way they do or vice versa. 

None of these things are wrong, by the way. They’re just areas where two people don’t align.

The problem with these things is that when we’ve fallen in love with someone, we take it so personally when we don’t align in certain ways.

We think, If I could just have been more ambitious, that person would have been more excited by me. They would have seen me as being more like them.

Or, If I could just have talked about books in the way they wanted me to talk about books, I would have been their perfect partner. I was just 5% off and I can’t get that off of my mind, that I was so close. They had everything. They were so right for me. I was so right for them, but for this one small area.

And we talk about it almost like what we needed to cross was this baby stream of differences. What we don’t realize is that, in actual fact, that was an uncrossable canyon.

The distance between us was so large that the relationship couldn’t work.

And there’s no sense in beating ourselves up for that, especially when the differences come from the areas that are just innate to us. This is how I am.

But if we actually get space from that situation and we zoom out, what we’ll realize is that there are so many other people in this world who live life in a way that is much more compatible with us.

I often think it’s funny when people say, I’ll never find someone like that again. I always think that’s a good thing. Because if you found the same person as this person in another body, it wouldn’t work all over again.

You will meet someone different, and that’s why it will work. Because you will actually meet someone whose innate qualities, innate way of being, actually matches with yours.

So we come back to this point again. Maybe you were beating yourself up over some part of you that was unchangeable because it was really part of the essence of who you were—whether it was a kind of introverted nature or an extroverted nature, a way of being in the world, how loud you were, how quiet you were, how ambitious you were, how content you were with life the way it is, how much you like to travel, how much you don’t like to travel.

All of these things may be part of what makes you you. And if someone decides that’s not for them, that’s not about you.

That’s about them. It’s about their makeup and how they have decided that your makeup isn’t right for their makeup.

And again, radical acceptance says, If I can’t change this part of myself, instead of lamenting the fact that this person doesn’t fit with me, I better get on with the business of finding the puzzle piece that does.

And if what you’re telling yourself is, But the thing that is the incompatibility for me is something that I would actually like to change, and I’m beating myself up that I didn’t change it—let’s talk about that.

Because I’ve been teasing this for the last few minutes, I want to talk about these situations where we feel like I could have done something different. It would have even been desirable for me to do something different.

I’m thinking of a situation like when you felt you were very controlling in ways that you’re not proud of, or very jealous in ways you’re not proud of, or you were insecure in ways that dominated the conversation in the relationship. You didn’t bring a version of you that you respected—or maybe they respected, or both.

And that you feel a lot of shame around that because you’re like, All of this would be true. Everything you’ve said would be true if there wasn’t some mistake I made in the relationship, either once or repetitively. And because that’s me, I can’t seem to make peace within myself because I hate myself for having screwed up the relationship in that way.

How is that not you but them?

This one seems impossible, doesn’t it?

It may not be them in the sense of them being your partner—your ex—but it is a them.

And let me explain.

You today—the you that woke up, washed your face, looked in the mirror, the you that’s watching this video—is a new version of you.

It is not the same you that existed in that relationship, whether that relationship was five years ago or six months ago. It is not the same you.

The you that is reflecting here today, taking things in, processing, trying to make sense of the confusion—that is, by definition, a new version of you.

It is not the you that was in that relationship. That’s the them.

It’s not about you for having failed to correct certain mistakes or patterns of behavior. It’s about them—the you that was there at that time.

And, you know, we beat ourselves up in life. We’ve all done it. Telling ourselves, If only I had changed sooner. If only I could have done something before.

The truth is, if you were able to do something before, you would have.

If you were capable of changing sooner, you would have changed sooner.

I have the fundamental belief that we are doing our best, even when we’re doing our worst.

I mean, I submit it to you—are there days where your best was terrible? Are there days where your best created all sorts of problems and chaos in your life?

Our best may not be good, but our best, for better or worse, is what we’re doing.

The exciting thing is that today’s best—the best that you today can do—is very different to then.

I know that because you’re with me now.

Even this video is a new input into your life and your mind and your healing and your growth that changes what you’re capable of doing.

What you mustn’t do is look in the mirror of the person that you are today and berate yourself for what they did—for what a previous version of yourself did in a relationship—because that isn’t the you that you are today.

And the gorgeous thing is that this really gets to become a proactive lesson, because we get to have the power now to say, I no longer identify with the me that was in that relationship.

Maybe, at my deep essence, I am the same me, but I am not my patterns. I am not the behaviors I had in that relationship. I am not all of those insecurities.

I’m more than that.

My identity is much more expansive than that.

It can tell a much more interesting story than that two-dimensional one that I have of myself in that relationship.

And what I would love to do with you is help you develop that identity, expand that identity.

It’s a very creative act, and we can do it together.

Because part of what we’re going to do on February 25th together is not just help you heal from the past, not just help you get closure, but to help you truly become proud of the you that you are today, so that you no longer look back and tell yourself stories of what you wish you had done differently and use it as a rod for your own back.

Instead, you are aggressively moving forward.

So, as I said at the beginning of the video, we have this very, very special time that we’re going to spend together on the 25th of February.

You can sign up for free at LoveLifeTraining.com.

It’s not often we get to spend time live together.

I appreciate so much you watching these videos, but there’s always something special about us being in community when people join from all over the world.

And, of course, this is a digital event, so wherever you are, whatever time zone, you can join and get in that quality time together.

And I’m going to share with you what I know—that I know can help you.

If you are heartbroken, this is going to be a very, very important hour in your year.

Okay, I will see you there.

LoveLifeTraining.com is the link.

Thank you so much for watching, as always, and don’t forget to leave me a comment. I love reading them.