Is He Wasting Your Time? (The Top 2 Red Flags to Watch For)

Ahhhh. So excited for you to see this video.

I talk a lot about letting go of the wrong person. But how do you know if someone is the wrong person? What are the red flags? How can you tell if someone is serious or just stringing you along so that you don’t waste your time?

This video solves that problem for you…

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I think that every video I’ve ever done could be looked at not simply through the lens of dating and relationships but through the lens of time: The idea of not suffering for longer than we need to, not spending longer with the wrong person than we need to, not repeating the same mistakes that are costly in terms of time. In fact, one of the main questions I get from people is, “How do I read someone’s intentions? How do I know if they’re just stringing me along? How do I know if this person is wasting my time?”

I recently posted something across all of my social media saying, “If you want to know someone’s intentions, watch their actions, not their words, because actions have a far harder time lying.” Now, someone replied challenging this principle and their reply is worth noting. “Okay… flip that. What if he’s telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you but won’t stop calling, texting, wanting to spend time with you, sleeping with you, making future plans with you, sharing hopes/dreams/fears/troubles? Which do you believe?”

I thought this was a great point because it suggests that the literal inverse of what I said is true, in that case. That if you were to watch that person’s actions, you would continue to invest more and more and more because their actions would be saying the right thing, even though their words are saying the wrong thing.

So based on this comment, I want to add an addendum to this principle of paying more attention to someone’s actions than their words.

If you want to know someone’s intentions: Watch their actions, not their words… Unless what they’re telling you is difficult for them to say.

When we’re trying to make any kind of a sale in life, we want to say all of the things that are going to help us make that sale. If, in the course of that sales presentation, someone tells you something undesirable, unwelcome, something that could cost them the sale, what they’re saying in that moment should be given particular attention.

In that case, we shouldn’t be blindly looking at their actions and what they invest in us. We should be paying attention to the small print. I think of it like a pharmaceutical ad. When someone is trying to sell you on a pill, that’s going to take away some pain or ailment that you have, and it shows you this bright meadow and happy people, and after all of that powerful, emotional, good feeling, it reads you as quickly as possible the small print of how this drug is going to make you want to kill yourself.

Ask your doctor today about Kevorka. Side effects may include making you want to kill yourself.

I think of what someone’s selling you when they tell you they don’t want a relationship as being like that. It’s like a commercial for a relationship where someone is walking you through the scenes. “Here’s us going to a movie. Here’s us in a park having a picnic. Here’s a moment where I confide you with something vulnerable, and aren’t we connected in this moment?” Then after all of these relationship-esque scenes that make you feel so invested comes the small print where someone says:

Warning! This romance comes without a title. We’ll never call you girlfriend, just not ready for a relationship and not looking for anything serious right now.

That’s the small print. Because when somebody is telling you, “I don’t want anything serious,” amidst doing all of the right things, or they’re telling you, “I don’t want a relationship,” even though they’re behaving as if you’re already in a relationship, what they’re saying requires effort to say. It may sabotage the very attention they are trying to get. That means it was inconvenient for them to say. And if it was inconvenient for them to say, if it was something that could cost them the sale, then it’s something that should be given extra attention, over and above their actions.

Before you go, I have a program called How to Talk to Men, which is one of my most popular programs because it literally breaks down word-for-word communication, whether it’s creating attraction, more respect, conveying your standards. And I’ve actually taken an entire chapter of that program that is on flirting, and I’m giving it away for free today. So you can go and download that at

Warning! Downloading this free chapter may result in flirtatious banter, uncontrollable attraction, and quite possibly a loving relationship.

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26 Replies to “Is He Wasting Your Time? (The Top 2 Red Flags to Watch For)”

  • I’ve been living with my sons father for 6 years now. I’m a very affectionate person. He’s the opposite. His actions are a mix of showing me he wants me but showing me he doesn’t care. He told me that he does not do titles, he does not do marriage. Those are things that I want. But because it was difficult for him to say, that means he’s not wasting my time?

  • Ok. I have the exact situation, but I didn’t get it in the end is it a waste of time or not…? He is here and everything, we have nights watching movies, it’s not just sex, we talk about life problems, philosophy, we share almost everything, he asks me what to do when he is sick, he went to another town to buy me some medecine etc., he doesn’t want me to leave, and yet he doesn’t want relationship with me and he has other girls occasionally… I see he can be without me but I don’t if I should let it go…

  • Ok. I have the exact situation, but I didn’t get it in the end is it a waste of time or not…? He is here and everything, we have nights watching movies, it’s not just sex, we talk about life problems, philosophy, we share almost everything, he asks me what to do when he is sick, he went to another town to buy me some medecine etc., he doesn’t want me to leave, and yet he doesn’t want relationship with me and he has other girls occasionally… I see he can’t be without me but I don’t if I should let it go…

  • He’s wasting my tym ,I this because he doesn’t have tym for myself n wen it’s come to group meeting he there BT he can’t have my tym at we have stayed for 6month without being together ,I loved the guy BT it’s seems he is cheating mee with someone

  • Been there
    This is good advice. Am not making that mistake again! Next time a guy says he’s not interested in a relationship, I’m walking away. Hopefully the next guy will be interested in building something meaningful though.
    PS. Is that Jameson reading the “fine print”? :)

  • This is really interesting> Matt, you should watch a Bollywood film called “Salaam Namaste.” Where Boy meets Girl and Boy does ALL the right things. He sinks money into the relationship, I think he even buys her a house, they move in together, he sets up his business. So, for all purposes, the relationship is moving forward. When he finds out she’s pregnant he says “I just wanted a girlfriend to have fun with.” It’s not just about the actions but the pattern of the actions, do they have forward or backward momentum. Some people are happy to be in a relationship that stays in one place, a relationship that doesn’t move forward. In the case of the commenter in the video, it would appear that if the relationship is formalised, it would have to move forward, e.g. meeting family and friends, financial investment, committing to action on those future plans. marriage, kids – oh no fun’s over. See? :-)

  • Sooo good! The back-to-the future car …but the analogy of drug warnings/side effects was a great comparison. This is what I’m going to think of when I see red flags. NOPE! Thank you!

  • I have another clause to add to this… what if they are in a relationship with you, they’re giving the right investment too, their actions are just perfect. But, they say that they don’t wanna marry you. They feel that we’re not compatible to spend or lives together and will end up fighting with each other for the rest of our lives.
    What do you do then?

  • I was in a relationship. I thought he’d fallen from the heavens. Kind thoughtful, hardworking, good looking. There’s was nothing I wanted for or needed. He took care of everything n I mean everything. He cooked he cleaned. He could fix anything. Do anything. Fit. He catered for my every whim. Luv U notes by my bed. Coffee made for me before he’d leave for work. Weekend’s away, romance, candles, great sex, it was unreal. No agro, no violence. (I’d had a violent marriage for 12 years, 14 yrs previous) I’d finally found my forever. After 2 yrs we moved in together. This was it. So I thought. He made friends. These friends became priority in his life. Distance started. His work days got longer. He was never home. These friends didn’t like me n didn’t want me in their home yet he still chose them over me. I questioned, I talked, I communicated. His patient with me was less. I became stir crazy. Obsessed. Something wasn’t right. I felt it. He’d call me a green eyed monster n say I was paranoid. Eventually we argued more until he got angry one day, smashed all my things n said it’s over. I was gutted. I just wanted him to leave. But he wouldn’t. He was dragging it out. I couldn’t take it anymore so I left. I left everything behind n just took my personal affects. The harrassment continued to a point I moved house, changed my ph number. Blocked him on all social media n email. I found out after I’d left, through friends of friends, he’d been cheating. For months. Also his ‘friends’ were associated with drugs. To this day 6 mths later, I still cry. I still dream about him. I am crippled. He still emails me (comes up in my spam) today. He confessed to the drugs n says it’s not n issue for him. It’s only occasionally. I told him goodbye. I’ve done everything I can to block delete n cut him off from my life but it still hurts so much. I know I won’t go back ever but will I ever get past this pain n what else can I do. I’m keeping a journal, I’m focusing on my kids, I’m exercising, baking, cooking, hanging out with friends to try n distract but thoughts n feelings for him don’t go away. I don’t know what else to do. I am 49 yrs old. Divorced mother of 4. He is not the father. I’ve tried moving on n dating sites but I just don’t feel it. I just don’t want too. I question if I had stayed n supported him, would it have helped him re the drugs? I fear I did loose the love of my life to betrayal n addiction. I’m so sad. Help me please. Sincerely Lee

  • Okay this video & its transcript is too confusing Matthew.

    Are you trying to say if their actions & words don’t match up, that person’s a time waster?

    Because that is how I would treat this situation

  • Hi mathew i think you so smart but even if we need arelationship and dont want to admit it coz life is hard iam that strong person ..
    Any way iam so happy to have afriend like you

  • Hi, Matthew! Hope you read this..! My name is Vicky, Im from Caracas, Venezuela. On this Aug 6th, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 1 year relationship. He is 38 years old, I am 29. I think my relationship has being pretty good. As he has made all the steps correctly: introducing his friends, family, be supportive, etc, I think he is a good man, but I have a lot of doubts about his intentions with me. Cause he’s always talking about marriage, since we met, he was like: “I wanna get marry in 4 years” and I was like: “good for you, but I need to know you first! I need to know if we can be a team for each other”. I do really believe that to be with someone is: a daily choice, a daily effort to make it work, a daily take care and be a support for each other, a daily step by step, learning and building each other for the best of themselves. I take marriage very seriously. I don’t wanna get divorced. I think we love each other… but for me, its not a really a good time of getting married righ now… But of course I want to do it, maybe in one more year or two. I wanna build my family with my husband. My therapist said to me: “if he really loves you, he will wait, for you”. I don’t agree with this.. bc who am I to make him wait for his life’s goals? Like you always said: “if he’s not giving you what you want, he’s not the right for you” So, I think that thought should be fair for guys too. Although, I do wanna get marry, with him! Not now, but later. He’s therapist told him: “tell her that you wanna get marry on the end of this year, and if she doesn’t like that, let her go”. So, we are now on a stupid break. Like a hole month break, we’re not talking to each other, (he ignored me) we don’t see each other, we aren’t working in getting a solution that works for both of us. But he still has his profile photo with me… I think like I am just gonna give him the time that he needs, but I really hope that he doesn’t take advantage of that. And my question really is: Has he been doing “the perfect boyfriend” bc he just want to get marry? Or he is doing it bc he loves me? I think he has a lot of social and family pressure on that segment, but How do I know if he’s doing all the effort, just for using me to make his life goal? Or is he really loves me, for who I am and of what I can bring to the table?
    I don’t know, if I wrote this letter right.. My english isn’t that good, but I hope you can understand what Im saying, and hope you can help me on my doubts… Im in love with him, I do wanna find a solution, but I wanna fully trust him that he loves me, for me; and not just bc he wants to get married.

    Hope, you having a good night and still taking care of yourself with the covid-19 situation.


  • I’m probably stupid “cause I didn’t understand a shit in this video. I do apologize for the language, but it was for for the sake of conveying my feelings. :)) Sorry.

  • Oh! I forgot to mention, that we talked and we agreed on that stupid month break!

    So, do I stay and wait? Or do I run very far away?

  • There! Watched it again. So you mean to tell that this person somehow feels uncomfortable saying that and therefore they try to make it a little better by behaving the opposite of what they’re saying. Like “any breaking of the rule only enhances the rule”… or smth like that.

  • I have no idea what you’re trying to say in this video but at least that shade of pink looks incredible on you.

  • Yo, ok. So this video is really confusing. What you are trying to say here is: pay attention to actions not words. BUT if he says “I don’t want a relationship”, then hell yeah listen to that and not all his boyfriend actions. Right? So this is the exception? Please clarify. Cheers

  • You hit the nail on the head! This post gives such a clear description of some relationships that this topic should get more attention in general.
    It was so sad to see a friend of mine struggle with a relationship where you could sense in the beginning chances were big it wouldn’t end well.

    I myself got some questions why I didn’t want to date with a man who was doing romantic things to get my attention. “Are you not too critical?” “Why don’t you try, you never know!” “He seemes to be such a nice man and so attentive.”

    Things like that. But he was too busy with himself, liked doing romantic things to feel better himself I think and didn’t pay much attention to my reaction at his efforts. He was interested, but there wasn’t a real connection.

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