How to Be Confident When You DON’T FEEL ATTRACTIVE

We’ve all heard that confidence is what makes us attractive, but what if we don’t feel confident because we don’t feel attractive?

If you struggle to feel confident because you don’t like the way you look, make watching this video the top priority of your day today (and be sure to stay until the end for a special bonus!). I promise you won’t regret it.

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How do you feel confident if you don’t feel attractive? It’s one of the common problems among so many people is that, “I really don’t, I don’t look in the mirror and think that I’m hot. I don’t think that I’m sexy. I don’t think that I’m desirable. So how am I supposed to feel confident? And then I’m told that being confident is what makes me attractive, but I don’t feel confident because I don’t feel attractive. So I get into this negative loop that I don’t know how to break out of.” I like to think of confidence as split into a distinction, there’s self-acceptance which is accepting ourselves for who we are today, what we look like, our limitations, our body shape, our face, our hair, the things that we are, and have right now. And then there’s self-esteem and self-esteem is different from self-acceptance because self-esteem is the things we do that make us proud of ourselves.

Self-acceptance is really just saying, “What ingredients am I working with right now? Those are my ingredients. I’m not going to wish for others. It is pointless to wish for other ingredients. This is my face, this is my body, this is my life. This is the age I am. This is where I am right now in my life.” Self-acceptance is the stopping of wishing for other people’s ingredients or a different life and instead just accepting a radical acceptance of my life and me. The real art of our lives comes from how good of a chef we are, not wishing for different ingredients, but going, “How great of a chef could I be? I don’t get to work with different ingredients. I have to work with the ingredients I have, but how interesting of a meal could I whip up with these ingredients today, this year, in the next decade of my life.”

That to me is exciting. That to me is the art of our lives. And then doing the hard things that enable us to make the most of those ingredients and that’s where we begin building self-esteem. And like I said, self-esteem to me is distinct from self-acceptance. Because self-esteem can only be born out of doing hard things, pushing against resistance in ways that make us proud of ourselves. The things that build character, the things that reveal character. Now, how is all of this tied to looking in the mirror and feeling unattractive? I believe that we put more and more focus on the superficial aspects of our worth when we don’t feel we’ve built the deeper ways of being worthy, when we haven’t done the things that make us proud.

Because at a certain point, when we’re going out and living our life and doing difficult things, making ourselves proud, and I don’t mean in terms of outside achievement. I’m not talking about acquiring wealth or fancy houses or anything like that. You can have it in the silent battles that you overcome within yourself. I’m proud of me that I did that difficult thing this week or that I’ve achieved that goal this year. I’ve made myself proud. If for whatever reason, superficially, I don’t live up to your ideal of what you want me to be, that’s OK. But ultimately you are not even seeing me on the terms that I want to be seen. So you’re not for me. Are we going to have moments in life where we go, “That sucks. I lost my hair. That sucks, this happened.” Of course, you’re going to have those disappointments along the way, but when you’ve built self-esteem, there’s always something deeper that’s driving you forward, that’s driving your value.

I’m so proud of me, this kind of seems ridiculously superficial in comparison to the things that I’m proud of me for. My essence is just so much bigger and more profound than this. And that’s the part that I want everyone to connect with. And by the way, you’ll have no doubt done things in your life, achieved things, overcome difficult challenges, and done them with in such heroic fashion that part of this will be you reconnecting to the things you’ve already done that have been heroic. Not just thinking that I need to do more difficult things, but understanding that you already have done difficult things. And that somewhere along the way you forgot how amazing those things were and started measuring yourself on this skin-deep level of attractiveness that you think you have when you look in the mirror. I’m not even bothering with this video to do the whole kind of reassurance thing.

We know what do people do when we say, “I don’t feel attractive.” Nice people, people who want to make us feel better, tend to reflexively say, “No, you’re beautiful, you’re gorgeous, you’re whatever.” And I think that’s lovely, but you know what if our facial symmetry isn’t as great as the next person’s? What if our nose is bigger? What if we haven’t got as much hair? What if, as a man, we are shorter than the next person? What are you going to tell me? “No, you are tall.” I think that it’s more beneficial just to say, There’s a different game I’m playing altogether.” And by the way, I’m not saying with this to stop caring and have no pride in the way you look. You can still make the best of whatever you have. But again, that comes back down to accepting your ingredients and making the best of them, and then making peace. Making peace with the things you’re never going to be.

And instead going, “The game I’m playing is the ultimate self-esteem of making myself proud. My confidence comes from a deep well of valuing who I am in this life, valuing my ability to do difficult things, valuing how I overcome challenges.”

So here’s what I want to do with you. I have, in the name of actually putting this into action together, put together a 30-Day Confidence Challenge that I’m going to be doing with thousands of people from all over the world, starting on the 27th of September with a kickoff call live with me. And I’m going to use this kickoff call to go through five specific confidence-building missions that we are going to do together over 30 days. And then during those 30 days, we are going to see measurable improvements in our confidence because we’re going to be building the self-esteem that comes from doing these difficult things. They’re achievable, but they will put us outside our comfort zones. You can join me by going to This is completely free. It’s available for anybody. Share it with as many people as you can want to go through this challenge with, and we’ll do it together as a global community improving our confidence. Go to to sign up for free now, and I’ll be in your inbox soon with more updates about the challenge.

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8 Replies to “How to Be Confident When You DON’T FEEL ATTRACTIVE”

  • Hello, I am on the East Coast of the US and will probably be at work when the session is taking place, buy I would still like to participate. Will the session be recorded and available for those who can’t participate at the time of the live session?

    1. Hi
      I am a new listener and have really enjoyed the content and found it very constructive and helpful . This coming from someone who rarely asks for “help “ . My moms thrilled that I listen voluntarily
      This however was not my favorite. I noticed that you mentioned things such as physical attributes that most people have no control over and or accept without extreme measures such as plastic surgery ( height not being an option .. can you imagine!). I for one have never really cared about height , nose etc . All about the person !
      However, I did notice one thing you didn’t mention and NEVER discuss is weight and how it may effect your dating life .
      So begins my story and questions. I will try to sum it up . I’ve been type one diabetic and had hypothyroidism since I was two years old . I was a swimmer growing up , active and tried my best to stay athletic for my health and just like anyone else to look and feel good . I’ve never been thin , but was healthy and felt good with the exception of scaring on my arms from insulin injections over the years . Hoping in my next life I’ll have fab arms that make me feel awesome! Don’t take those strapless dresses for granted ladies ! ( also went to school for fashion , so you know !)
      In the past five years for no reason that any medical professionals can figure out I have gained weight uncontrollably. Not only do I look completely different I feel completely different. I’ve literally tried everything and seeked out any help possible. Mental and physical.
      Here’s my question. I see the difference in attention/ effort from men . Amazing how drastically it changes( not , our culture is driven by looks ) .
      All of this has really made me incredibly insecure in dating and relationships. Many factors to take into account.
      So curious what your thoughts are and how to overcome something that honestly our culture does not embrace?
      Just to add , I’m a successful women , own two homes , am a great dog mom , friend and love my my family to pieces . Been married ( amazing how that happens when you aren’t having an out of body experience ).
      Point being you’re not touching on points that need to be addressed.
      Lastly , nothing is wrong with being a curvy woman who doesn’t meet our culture’s standards. However it needs to be recognized .
      I currently have “crush”. Would love to get some advice that might make me more confident to make a move . Been a long time !
      Thanks , sorry for the lengthy response.
      Think you guys are great .. love that we’re “ pickles “
      PS I’m also a trained chef so love the analogy!

  • Great metaphor about a chef making the most of ingredients. I love that challenge to see what I can whip up with just stuff I have on hand and without a trip to the store. Making lemons into lemonade! I’m going to see how to apply this concept to my 73 year old self. ❤️

  • I’ve done two confidence challenges and I am absolutely stoked to get in on a third! This challenge makes so much space for big shifts! Every challenge I take it a little step further towards bigger goals I’ve been either reluctant or make the most excuses for! This has helped me so much to push myself! The things I thought afraid to do are now manageable because I held myself accountable to do them in 30 days consistently! Great accountability for us all! Let’s do this!

  • Great content. This is very good article topic “How To Be Confident When You DON’T FEEL ATTRACTIVE”. But I thought You are not a slave to your emotions. You can choose to feel differently anytime. First, take a deep breath and relax. Second, reminding yourself that everyone feels unattractive at times. Third, remind yourself that you are still the same person underneath. Fourth, remind yourself that you have great things going for you. You are intelligent, kind, and compassionate. Finally, remind yourself that you are so much more than your appearance. You are a great example to others and you make a difference in this world. It’s ok to feel unattractive sometimes, but don’t let it dominate you and your life.

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