We’ve all heard that confidence is what makes us attractive, but what if we don’t feel confident because we don’t feel attractive?
If you struggle to feel confident because you don’t like the way you look, make watching this video the top priority of your day today (and be sure to stay until the end for a special bonus!). I promise you won’t regret it.
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How do you feel confident if you don’t feel attractive? It’s one of the common problems among so many people is that, “I really don’t, I don’t look in the mirror and think that I’m hot. I don’t think that I’m sexy. I don’t think that I’m desirable. So how am I supposed to feel confident? And then I’m told that being confident is what makes me attractive, but I don’t feel confident because I don’t feel attractive. So I get into this negative loop that I don’t know how to break out of.” I like to think of confidence as split into a distinction, there’s self-acceptance which is accepting ourselves for who we are today, what we look like, our limitations, our body shape, our face, our hair, the things that we are, and have right now. And then there’s self-esteem and self-esteem is different from self-acceptance because self-esteem is the things we do that make us proud of ourselves.
Self-acceptance is really just saying, “What ingredients am I working with right now? Those are my ingredients. I’m not going to wish for others. It is pointless to wish for other ingredients. This is my face, this is my body, this is my life. This is the age I am. This is where I am right now in my life.” Self-acceptance is the stopping of wishing for other people’s ingredients or a different life and instead just accepting a radical acceptance of my life and me. The real art of our lives comes from how good of a chef we are, not wishing for different ingredients, but going, “How great of a chef could I be? I don’t get to work with different ingredients. I have to work with the ingredients I have, but how interesting of a meal could I whip up with these ingredients today, this year, in the next decade of my life.”
That to me is exciting. That to me is the art of our lives. And then doing the hard things that enable us to make the most of those ingredients and that’s where we begin building self-esteem. And like I said, self-esteem to me is distinct from self-acceptance. Because self-esteem can only be born out of doing hard things, pushing against resistance in ways that make us proud of ourselves. The things that build character, the things that reveal character. Now, how is all of this tied to looking in the mirror and feeling unattractive? I believe that we put more and more focus on the superficial aspects of our worth when we don’t feel we’ve built the deeper ways of being worthy, when we haven’t done the things that make us proud.
Because at a certain point, when we’re going out and living our life and doing difficult things, making ourselves proud, and I don’t mean in terms of outside achievement. I’m not talking about acquiring wealth or fancy houses or anything like that. You can have it in the silent battles that you overcome within yourself. I’m proud of me that I did that difficult thing this week or that I’ve achieved that goal this year. I’ve made myself proud. If for whatever reason, superficially, I don’t live up to your ideal of what you want me to be, that’s OK. But ultimately you are not even seeing me on the terms that I want to be seen. So you’re not for me. Are we going to have moments in life where we go, “That sucks. I lost my hair. That sucks, this happened.” Of course, you’re going to have those disappointments along the way, but when you’ve built self-esteem, there’s always something deeper that’s driving you forward, that’s driving your value.
I’m so proud of me, this kind of seems ridiculously superficial in comparison to the things that I’m proud of me for. My essence is just so much bigger and more profound than this. And that’s the part that I want everyone to connect with. And by the way, you’ll have no doubt done things in your life, achieved things, overcome difficult challenges, and done them with in such heroic fashion that part of this will be you reconnecting to the things you’ve already done that have been heroic. Not just thinking that I need to do more difficult things, but understanding that you already have done difficult things. And that somewhere along the way you forgot how amazing those things were and started measuring yourself on this skin-deep level of attractiveness that you think you have when you look in the mirror. I’m not even bothering with this video to do the whole kind of reassurance thing.
We know what do people do when we say, “I don’t feel attractive.” Nice people, people who want to make us feel better, tend to reflexively say, “No, you’re beautiful, you’re gorgeous, you’re whatever.” And I think that’s lovely, but you know what if our facial symmetry isn’t as great as the next person’s? What if our nose is bigger? What if we haven’t got as much hair? What if, as a man, we are shorter than the next person? What are you going to tell me? “No, you are tall.” I think that it’s more beneficial just to say, There’s a different game I’m playing altogether.” And by the way, I’m not saying with this to stop caring and have no pride in the way you look. You can still make the best of whatever you have. But again, that comes back down to accepting your ingredients and making the best of them, and then making peace. Making peace with the things you’re never going to be.
And instead going, “The game I’m playing is the ultimate self-esteem of making myself proud. My confidence comes from a deep well of valuing who I am in this life, valuing my ability to do difficult things, valuing how I overcome challenges.”
So here’s what I want to do with you. I have, in the name of actually putting this into action together, put together a 30-Day Confidence Challenge that I’m going to be doing with thousands of people from all over the world, starting on the 27th of September with a kickoff call live with me. And I’m going to use this kickoff call to go through five specific confidence-building missions that we are going to do together over 30 days. And then during those 30 days, we are going to see measurable improvements in our confidence because we’re going to be building the self-esteem that comes from doing these difficult things. They’re achievable, but they will put us outside our comfort zones. You can join me by going to MHChallenge.com. This is completely free. It’s available for anybody. Share it with as many people as you can want to go through this challenge with, and we’ll do it together as a global community improving our confidence. Go to MHChallenge.com to sign up for free now, and I’ll be in your inbox soon with more updates about the challenge.