Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?
If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.
Has Caring Too Much Ever Sabotaged Your Relationship?
Are You Ready to Create Something Real in Your Love Life?
Leave a Comment Below…
I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…
“Dating Sucks…”
Now why do they feel this way?
Because they want to create something real.
Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.
You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…
Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.
Now this leaves people very frustrated.
It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.
I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.
It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:
I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.
What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.
A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.
Check it out.
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Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”
Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”
Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”
Matthew: “Thank you.”
Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”
Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.
“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.
“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”
Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”
Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…
“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’
“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.
“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.
“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.
“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.
“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.
“It is.
“It one hundred percent is.
“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.
“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.
“No one is… It’s…
“It’s really hard no matter who you are.
“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.
“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.
“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”
Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”
Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”
Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”
Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”
Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”
Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”
Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]
Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”
Audience Guest: “Yes.”
Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”
Audience Guest: “Yes.”
Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?
“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?
“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.
“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]
“Okay.
“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.
“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’
“I don’t buy it for a second.
“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’
“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…
“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.
“But you have to get back to that question:
“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?
“What thing would I give up in my life?
“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.
“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?
“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.
“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.
“Keep being proactive.
“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.
“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.
“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.
“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.
“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”
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Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.
You are dealing with so much crap.
People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.
The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.
That leads to a scarcity mindset.
When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.
You get so excited about it.
So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.
Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.
Someone treating you worse than you deserve.
Someone not truly investing in you.
We start making excuses for them.
We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.
When would you find someone again?
You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?
Now here’s the really dangerous part.
When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.
So it looks like this:
Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.
They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.
So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.
So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.
The pseudo relationship.
The halfway house.
The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.
The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.
If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.
So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.
I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.
I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.
How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.
So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.
Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.
For now, leave me a comment.
Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.
And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.
I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.
Hey Matthew, I love your videos. Thanks so much for sharing :) I completely relate to that. I wanted things to work so badly with my child’s father (now my ex) that I let him treat me with less than I deserve. I have now met someone that I like, who I am not sure feels the same way, he may just see me as a friend… But whether he does or not I am excited to meet someone, and not make those mistakes! I am nervous about being back in the dating pool as I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 years and he was my first! So your advice is so important to me as I don’t have a lot of experience. :) Thanks again, looking forward to next week. :)
Matt, your presentation is spot on for me. I have a question, how do I turn it around so a guy does see my true value? A guy I met (on line) was crazy about me, texting, calling etc (we never met in person) Then occasionally disappears for a bit, then returns. I haven’t heard from him in a little while. Do I contact him? And how do I let him know that that behavior is not acceptable? Hope you can answer me.
I’m a widow. Havent dated at all. My husband and I settled for each other. I was not in a healthy marriage. Im starting over and dont want to get it wrong this time. I’m 57 and scared to get rejected. I am learning so much about myself. Thank you I’m watching everything you have out and reading. I’m ready for the next step. Just concerned I’ll mess it up. HELP!
Matthew, truly one of the the best, if not The Best, and most resonating, strength and empowering discussion topics you have ever laid out in simplified and tough love formats yet! Well done and said! Thank you!!
It seems the stars have aligned! I have been battling with a situation of the sort. We met online and i told him that I was not making anything “official” until we met in person and also that I didn’t want all of my experiences with him electronically. For the first couple months we talked and I was understanding to his situation, but every time he would make a promise something fell through and it didn’t happen I finally told him that I felt the timing was off and that I needed something and someone that had more sustainability, all this despite the extreme connection that we had with each other (it was uncanny!) But analyzing the entirety of “us” there were too many cons against the pros…
Back in the game again!
I would gladly give up that “alert mode” that you encourage to have; To spot the cute guy, smile to him, look at him in a right way, send that text etc. because with that “alert attitude” every day can be a crashed hope, subtle rejection that after a while makes you feel like it’s never gonna happen and you feel like shit. So maybe going to a place and not looking around would not create opportunities but I would be able to go to sleep and not think that again it didn’t work out..
Wow – yes! So on point.
I always seem to pick the same guy. I give more in a relationship, sacrifice who I am and my needs for them. I do this trusting things will work out and busy myself fixing the men in my life. Three marriages later, I still haven’t found the one.
I am ready to reset my mindset, get out of my comfort zone and change my behavior.
Great video, thank you. I am a 54 year old divorced woman living in a small city… definitely fallen into that scarcity mindset! I’ve got a lot going for me and have high standards in what I’m looking for but I can barely get past the few dates stage. Can’t even say I’ve really dated. Of course I don’t want to settle or lower my standards or give up on the idea of finding love, but here’s the thing: going through all this bullshit Behaviour is really taking its toll. I’m not finding dating to be fun. It’s exhausting to be hopeful with someone only to be let down again and again. You say we have to just keep trying but I don’t feel my heart can take much more. How do you find the strength to keep putting yourself out there when you begin to not trust that anyone has good and decent intentions?
I am so ready to create something lasting! I am so ready to sacrifice all my ex-favorite bullshit that leads me nowhere but loosing trust in myself, loosing confidence and loosing precious moments I could be living joyfully! I chose to stop accepting worse behavior I do not really approve of so I can finally find Mr Right and be enough for myself! And yes it’s gonna be uncomfortable, awkward at times but I gonna have so much fun on a way! On your Fast Track to Mr Right program, Matthew! Until I get him! Thanks for guiding me through;)
Thank you Matthew From Philippines ✌
Wow I needed this today- thank you Matthew! I have accepted bad behavior in the past. Now that I am 43 I can no longer accept it and I’ve been finding that guys are shocked that I’m not accepting the breadcrumbs they are throwing out. I was beginning to think I was being ‘too tough’, too ridged, and started feeling helpless last evening. The last guy was a ‘come over’ guy. Not putting in any real effort or investment. Asked me to dinner last night @6:50pm on a Saturday night!?!? I said I already had plans and offered next Saturday to which he said, that’s far away. In that moment I made the decision that I was done trying to take things to a more adult level in dating.
So YES, I’m ready to create something real!!!
~S xo
I’ve definitely done this before, I think the thing I want to give up, when I want to just give up, is the anxiety. But why do I always feel like I have to pretend to be a bitch to get a guy to respect me? I’m super laid back and I allow myself to go with the flow. I feel like you’re going to think that’s an excuse to allow bad behavior but it’s really not it’s just that, I guess, I don’t know what “bad” behavior is. And is ”bad behavior” the same thing for me as it is for someone else?
Hi Mathew, This is so true. I am a very understanding person in general companionate and caring. And often heard the phrase – you must be more “player” and string guys along in order to get them to respect you. Yet that really conflicts with my basic values of kindness and authenticity. So how is it possible to achieve both? I would love to understand that.
It’s already a lost case when there is someone that already showed their worse behavior from the beginning. No one will start behaving to you respectfully, investing into you for 100% and taking you seriously for long term, just because you didn’t accept their worse behavior at the first place. This kind of guys are like that and will not change. Not to accept the worse behavior means to cut him off for good. No matter what he will do next. He is the low investment guy that will go back expressing his worse behavior, because it would take him too much of his energy to loose. Why he would do that when there will be always some females around that accept less. This is my point of view. I’m single for more than 4 years. And just continueing to be the best version of myself everyday…
Ready to do the work! Whatever it takes to get out of scarcity mindset. No more BS. We all deserve so much better but we need to build ourselves first. Thanks for your valuable lessons.
I agree the scarcity mindset causes bad behavior because you come aceoss as not being a high value person.
I do want to address Matt’s big question of what are you giving up? About 11ish years ago i had a “relationship” which I’ll admit I definitely acted at times with a scarcity mindset, but knew the person a couple years before we started dating, dated for close to a year, before my co-worker was matched with him on a dating site, and he broke up with me saying he was using me as a filler girlfriend until he could find someone he actually liked. It was awful.
I just decided to live my life and be happy. I gave up the BS as Matt put it. And i thought if i was active and did things and met people, maybe i coukd meet someone. But not “active,” search. Problem with this is when all your friends are married, all the activities you like to do either have married people or couples and rarely single people, and your employment career is the same:there are rarely any single people at work. This means you give up meeting any other single people. And if you are not actively dating in your head, grocery store, coffee shop, etc are not on your radar. When you are the only single person in your life, you give up opportunity to have a partnership if you dont actively attempt to find single people.
That is what i did about a year and a half ago starting with dating sites and doing some self help stuff. I’ve gotten some new friends while some not single do know single people and while still “dating” i did meet someone online about a year ago (not on a dating site though lol) and really like him but we’re taking it slow for reasons.
So yeah, i really do think you can live a good life. A fabtastic life of travel, great actives, friends, ect and still give up a life partner because you can have a life where meeting a single guy will not really organically happen. You have to work at it and put in a lot of effort.
A
I feel like you’re talking directly to me. Over and over again I do this. I meet a guy and he’s wonderful. He’s attractive and talks about things that I can really relate to. Then somehow, someway he starts testing the waters. It’s like a switch flips and I take it. I say I take it because of the good times but honestly I’m taking it because I’m scared of losing something potentially rare. I’m not a stupid woman. I’m not weak but it seems like I’m a pushover. The last guy I dated didn’t say thank-you to me once or show me an ounce of respect if it didn’t reap him benefits. He had lots of other women dangling. But I took it all because I liked the cuddling and sweet things he said when he was pleased. I don’t respect myself.
I always like your stuff but I admit I don’t always use it.
I could really relate to that conversation After a year the relationship was not progressing. We were still doing hook ups once a week. I decided to come out of my comfort zone and push the issue knowing, knowin, that it could break us up. We did break up for s while, but it was a whole brew me and we ate much closer. I learned that i must respect and honor my beliefs, and I knew I deserved better.