Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?
If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.
Has Caring Too Much Ever Sabotaged Your Relationship?
Are You Ready to Create Something Real in Your Love Life?
Leave a Comment Below…
I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…
“Dating Sucks…”
Now why do they feel this way?
Because they want to create something real.
Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.
You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…
Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.
Now this leaves people very frustrated.
It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.
I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.
It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:
I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.
What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.
A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.
Check it out.
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Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”
Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”
Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”
Matthew: “Thank you.”
Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”
Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.
“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.
“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”
Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”
Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…
“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’
“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.
“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.
“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.
“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.
“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.
“It is.
“It one hundred percent is.
“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.
“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.
“No one is… It’s…
“It’s really hard no matter who you are.
“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.
“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.
“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”
Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”
Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”
Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”
Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”
Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”
Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”
Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]
Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”
Audience Guest: “Yes.”
Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”
Audience Guest: “Yes.”
Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?
“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?
“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.
“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]
“Okay.
“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.
“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’
“I don’t buy it for a second.
“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’
“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…
“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.
“But you have to get back to that question:
“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?
“What thing would I give up in my life?
“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.
“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?
“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.
“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.
“Keep being proactive.
“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.
“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.
“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.
“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.
“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”
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Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.
You are dealing with so much crap.
People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.
The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.
That leads to a scarcity mindset.
When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.
You get so excited about it.
So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.
Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.
Someone treating you worse than you deserve.
Someone not truly investing in you.
We start making excuses for them.
We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.
When would you find someone again?
You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?
Now here’s the really dangerous part.
When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.
So it looks like this:
Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.
They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.
So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.
So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.
The pseudo relationship.
The halfway house.
The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.
The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.
If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.
So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.
I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.
I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.
How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.
So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.
Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.
For now, leave me a comment.
Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.
And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.
I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.
a friend i worked with told me im his crush for a long time -hes fantasied about us dating and what we would be like as a couple. we couldnt do anything at that tome as we both had partners but not so good relationships. we had the date and all went good, however he has a kid and hes newly single. he has asked to see me again & continue to date each other taking it slow &he talked & invited himself to stay over at mine, he doesn’t want serious at the-moment hes not ready and i agree we are both not ready. we dont want to ruin the friendship if it doesnt work out.
i went on a work day out and everything changed. he started a argument with me when i sent him a friendly text. 2weeks later ,he didnt apologise untill i did. a week later he fully explained in detail how hes feeling & kept saying single life isnt for him and he preferes to be with someone who knows his needs and wants. i used your line “i think you need to go away and figure out what you want”
a couple of days past is when he apologised by text. i know hes in a bad place mentally as hes wanted to self harm and he knows i understand him hes just not ready to date anyone as he cant get seriousness out of his head i suggested to him we stay friends but he is still giving me mixed signals- suggesting he wants more.help i really like him!!! iv liked him for as long as hes liked me -8year
Been there, done that! I have lost 6 years of my life with a guy, accepting bad behavior and being treated casually. Ibam more than ready for anything else!
Been there before excepting bad behavior from men that end I realize they never cared so hard To trust anyone theses days
Thanks for the video Matthew! I did fall into the trap of caring too much. Six months ago, my partner of nearly two years and I broke up. Before dating, we’d been friends for a few years. He was open about having feelings for me in our first few months of knowing each other. I fell for him more gradually over a period of two years as I watched him mature into a confident man whom I felt could compliment me. However, in our first few months of dating, I noticed that he had some difficulty with vulnerability and found it difficult to fully open to me. I decided to be patient and allow him to open at a pace at which he felt comfortable and our relationship blossomed into something very loving and beautiful during the first year. However during the second year of our relationship, it seemed as though the stresses of starting a large business and bearing emotional responsibility towards a partner might have been compounding for him. He became less independent and sought my advice and that of others (especially his parents) whenever it came to making any sort of decision or trying to understand his emotions. Not recognizing that this was becoming a large problem for him internally, I would try to help when he’d express insecurity or uncertainty (about us and many other things) by talking him through the situation and through his feelings. I did this out of a desire to ease both his pain and the pain I felt as he’d begun taking his stress out on me by being increasingly critical of me. He then became increasingly distant and eventually verbally aggressive and would withhold affection from me often. Instead of setting clear boundaries with him and then enforcing consequences when he would speak disrespectfully to me or without affection (the two behaviours I found most hurtful), I would tell him I wasn’t ok with his behaviour but would then still spend all my time with him when he asked, gradually forgetting about my own needs outside of the relationship. Although I’d been accepting that I may have to end the relationship as it was killing my self-confidence, I believed he would work on his behaviour, as he’d said he would. Then after another instance of him withholding affection and me beginning to cry (I’d begun crying more and more in the last few weeks, as the rejection was painful), he broke up with me saying that having responsibility towards me, running a business, and satisfying his parents had become too hard. He admitted later that he hadn’t planned on breaking up with me and had done this spontaneously, out of overwhelm. I have had a rough time accepting the break in part because of this. I feel so frustrated that I allowed him to treat me in the way that he did for an entire year (I’m pretty sure his respect for me did decline because of this) and that he then broke up with me on the premise that I was asking too much of him, as he said.
Six months later, I am ready for a relationship in which love and respect flow more freely and with a man who is deeply sentient, yet has a very positive relationship with his emotions.
I realize this has become a journal entry – it’s just what I felt I needed to do! If you have any thoughts, I’d love to hear them.
I did it. I’m guilty of both.
I lowered my standards because I wanted to love him. I really liked him, and still do—I want him to be my one..but he isn’t giving me the same back. Totally sleeping with each other before we could be friends, and I know that’s completely backwards, but we have good chemistry.
But he pulled the ghosting on me. After he had his fill, he didn’t want to meet up anymore…total jerk!
So I told him the honest to god truth, raised my standards all the way up because I was done with the BS “his way”. He wasn’t leading me to anywhere. So now he’s either going to respect me and possibly a new relationship will come out of it, or he will continue to hide his head in the sand. I cannot wait to look him in his eyes because NOBODY is to take me for granted period! Sex is sex, I don’t fuck, I love. So the people I share my body, mind, and soul with I respect and love even if no long term relationship comes of it, but I expect to be respected—and that means a lot of things I cannot fit to explain in this comment window.
I have about 20-40 and counting, guys trying to take my time, but I’m so burnt over this last guy, that I’m stumped.
I want him, and nobody else…I don’t know if he knows what he wants, but he never gives me the chance to hang out and do activities other than sex to show him my other good qualities.
Ultimately, the whole “just sex” relationship was a bad idea, and not working because he’s actually disrespecting me. For example, he only reply’s to my text if it contains sexual flirts or sexy photos, and not my casual hey what’s up here’s a little tid-bit on things I value and experience—he doesn’t reply to those. So naturally I’m picking up on his bullshit.
I could forget about him and find a good guy jumping at the chance to treat me like their queen…but I got it bad for this guy.
Omg Just give in the point that I’ve been
I was justifying his behavior I was thinking why he was doing that things but I realize that I want something real not a bullshit relationship thanks to help me to finish to open my eyes
I want to be B
That is exactly what i’m doing… I value connection so much that i forget about myself. I think because it’s so hard for me to connect that when i feel that i have a real connection, i minimize me… And accept, i’m not saying bad behavior, but “less effort”, “crumbs” as you say, and that’s destructable for me… The person i want the most and value so much is the person who doesn’t move a finger to value me… That is so true!
Mathew you are a genius. You nailed it in this mail.God bless you.
A!! I’m so sick and tired of it. I’ve fallen victim to guys saying they want to date but they use me by bringing me out around people, showing me off like I’m a prize. Even if sex is off the table, which it always is, they rather have me around to say I’m their territory and then ghost me. Enough is enough
Keep them focused on you being your self and tell them how you feel when you are with them
totally agree with everything!!
Matt you should help us increase this “men pool”!! Create a course for men!!
I just got an answer to a question that’s been bothering me about relationship.
Thanks Matt.
How do you know if your accepting bad behavior.
I met a guy we went on a couple of dates and seriously connected both physically and emotionally. About a month later he decided there were some red flags and he didn’t want to hurt me by dragging me on a relationship when there were red flags.
Since then we have been friends with benefits. But I get lots of mixed messages from him. We catch up
And the sex is amazing, but then there is lots of intimacy attached. We chat daily. When he was away with no reception the first thing he did when he got reception was message me.
So I’m not sure if he wants more if if he’s messaging me because were awesome friends that have a deep connection.
Hi Matt;
My thing is that is that when a guy complied about something that I do It’s tricky to get objective and realize whester he is right and i should apollogice and change that or if he is bullshiting me annd making me feel mad for no reason and having me apollogicing for no reason a d therefore deminishing myself
What about trying to date a man with PTSD. Are the rules different?
Matthew,
First of all you’re amazing. I go listen to your podcasts and videos if I ever need advice on a guy. I’m in a current situation that has really thrown me for a loop. I met this guy and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. He treats me well, he’s a complete gentleman, and he’s the most driven person I know. We spent pretty much every day together for 2 weeks until he left to go do summer sales. He’s going to be away for about 5 months, and he told me he just really wants to focus on work until he gets home. We decided not to talk because it’s too hard. I thought everything was going perfect. I was the first girl he’s ever brought home and introduced to family and friends. I just really don’t know what to do! The thought of not talking to him/ seeing him for 5 months literally kills me. Maybe I’m just reading too much into this, but does he not like me? Do I reach out to him at all? I just don’t want him to feel like I’m needy. SOS
I’m a senior widow in some sort of relationship with a man I’ve known for several years. We like each other. We have fun together and we are intimate. The problem is he has a female friend that he helps with yard work every summer. She hardly talks to him all winter. When spring comes she wants himvthere everyday. Putting in a new lawn, making a walk, now this year putting in a water feature. I live in Florida in winter. He comes to visit. I talk to him everyday. He sent candy for valentine day. Bought me a beautiful ring for my birthday and yet when I come home for summer he spends more time with her than me. Their relationship is not intimate or the least bit romantic. I love him, he has told me he loves me but I feel like I can’t keep taking a back seat to her and I’m trying not to be possessive but don’t know how to handle this or what to say. I watched your video about the castle and it really hit home. But I have never thought we were in a committed relationship. I’m miserable with him and miserable without. I wish I could just enjoy the days we spend together and not care about what he does when we are apart. What truly bothers me is she is such a user. She only calls when she needs him to help her and he just can’t see it. I know this will never change. When I tell him he would rather have a relationship with her than me he says he doesn’t. He’s with me. Such mixed messages has me under so much stress I question if I would be better off alone.
I did the wrong thing…..I wanted him so much, I did the wrong thing….what can I do to reverse this mistake and get him to take me seriously?
You have great dating advice! I share your videos with all my single friends.
You are 100 % correct !
I let this exact thing happen for over 2 years. I watched the relationship deteriorate and couldn’t understand why it was happening. If I had only opened my mouth and stood up for myself ! When I look back now and see all the red flags, it amazes me how I let it happen !!!
Matt you are amazing !