How, Exactly, Are You Supposed to “Love Yourself”?

Answer me honestly… How often do you celebrate your wins? And how often do you agonize over your mistakes?

For most people, the answer is that they’ll spend (maybe) 30 seconds celebrating their successes… but hours, days, years, and even decades berating themselves for their slip-ups.

We have to change that. And that starts with taking a new approach to our relationship with ourselves…

Claim Your Core Confidence.
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Before this week, I could have opened my heart and it would have been a – it would still have been red, but it would have been a dull red. And I think if I was to show you my heart rate now, it would just be, it would blind you. I want to give this to the people around me, as well. I think everybody, you should just come and experience this. This is wild.


There are external goals and internal goals. An external goal is something I want to go and do out there in the world. Something I want to make. Something I want to create. Something I want to do. There’s a verb aspect to that, right? Then there’s the internal goals. I want to be more confident. I want to love myself more. I want to be happy. I want to be more at peace. I want to be free from this constant anxiety I have. All of these things that we do, that we have as internal goals.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with internal goals. Of course, internal goals are the most important in the sense that they determine the quality of our lives. It doesn’t matter how much is going right in your life, if you’re not happy, your life is still shit regardless of how many things are going well for us. You can have the best job in the world. You could be the most beautiful person in the world. You can have the best boyfriend in the world. You can have everything, but if you don’t love yourself, all of that will be hell.


I’ve got a good job, nice house, great car, great friends. I’ve been married and divorced and I’ve had all of that. And quite a difficult childhood growing up, with a lot of rejection and hurt and pain and stuff. I think I just now want to be immersed in the good stuff. I want to believe that people don’t think I’m a fake.

I’ve got a great job. I’m head of HR for a big corporation and so I help to transform, well, it’s about 1,500 people I look after at the minute. I support them and help them grow and then I can’t even look in the mirror and think, “She’s great, her in there.” So that’s what I want for myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I think that I’m going to get that from this week. I don’t know how I’m going to get it yet, but I’m going to get that. That’s what I’m going to get from this week.


If you want both a barometer for your Core Confidence and a clue as to why it might not be so great, how much time do you spend cheering yourself on and taking the credit when you do something right? Now compare that with how much time you spend berating yourself when you screw up. Compare those timeframes. Because most of you, it will be 30 seconds to nothing when you do something well before you move onto the next problem you have. When you do something wrong, when you do something embarrassing, when you make a fool of yourself, when you say the wrong thing, when you do the wrong thing, when you procrastinate, when you eat the wrong thing, when you take the wrong thing, when that happens, many people will beat themselves up… hours would be an understatement… days, weeks, months, years, decades. Many of you in this room, if not all of you, are still beating yourself up for something that happened in the past that you still carry around today.

Move on. No one gives a shit. No one gives a shit. Who are you doing it for? Where’s this play that you’re putting on that everyone’s coming to about how you fucked up? Is everyone coming to buy tickets to how interesting this show is? “Oh, the You Fucked Up Show, tell me about this thing you did five years ago while the rest of the world has completely moved on and was more concerned with their own lives even five minutes after your mistake.” Right?

But we’re still running the show as if it’s interesting. It’s not interesting and it’s not allowing us to make an impact on the world because you can’t make an impact outwardly if the entire damage you’re trying to inflict is inward, right? Here’s what we have to do. All of this energy, boom! Let me put it out there. But all we do is take all of our energy and direct it towards inflicting damage. Today and tomorrow, by the way, is going to be about filling this up with a different kind of fuel, a different kind of love, a different kind of attention, a different kind of affection, a different kind of grace.

And then boom, you’re a cannon. All right, impact. You just can blast impact out to the world because you’ve done something for you. You’ve filled you up with a different energy.


That was a bit wild. That was a bit wild. I cannot put into words. I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew, “Yeah, she’s a bit funny, she’s a bit… ” But do you know what? I’ve realized I didn’t know anything. Even getting ready this morning, I put on my bouncy music. I’m trying to dry my hair and I’m dancing and I’m looking in the mirror at my new best friend and I was, like, dancing, dancing. “You’re a freak.” Where did that come from? No idea.


We’re told that the key, the key to confidence is to love…




… love yourself. No one in this room hasn’t heard that advice, I’m not saying anything new, but why is it so hard?


What did you think Core Confidence was before yesterday?


Do you know what? I always thought it was being able to hold yourself in a certain way. I don’t know, there just seemed to be some kind of, like, black art. Core Confidence is this, like, “Oh yeah, well you just go and love yourself.” You’re like, “Well, how do you love yourself when you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror?”

But now, it’s like I look at that person and I see the strength and the humility and the love and the compassion that that person is looking back at me. It’s just, it’s life-changing. It’s properly life-changing. I maybe had a thought that, “Can all this, like, sincerity and self-help and that be genuine?” But that was me being a skeptic and it’s coaching and self-help. I absolutely, my God, I have never met such genuine people as you guys and Matt and Matt’s family, and it’s just so real. It’s real. It’s so real it’s raw. This is like raw love for people.

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5 Replies to “How, Exactly, Are You Supposed to “Love Yourself”?”

  • This was amazing I’m pretty speechless for how your journey to help heal women is infiltration of the core. Raw love and an awareness that is a godsend. When I need time after watching to grieve the things I’ve been holding start to become apparent. I’m going to resonate a bit on this one so crucial to be present in my life with a consciousness of my spirit. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel blessed and humbled what a gift you are❤️

  • Wow you are brilliant, wise & have heart, you were talking about me I beat myself up for 5 years after my divorce you really hit home with that one thank you! It’s time to stop!

  • I think sometimes it’s an identity crisis when comparing yourself to others and where you are in life, I turned 30 last year and I actually did panic a little. I’ve moved 500 miles for my dream job in London but my relationship didn’t survive the move. I work in the arts so I don’t earn much either. It’s easy to compare myself with people my age who are married, own a house and are earning more. Then I listen to this lady in a high status job and realise it’s never that simple.

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