Should Guys Still Hold Open Doors For Women? (Today Show)

I’m back in New York for The Today Show and it looks like they’re making me a more permanent feature… You’ll see why in the video…

(Having trouble viewing the video? Try this link instead.)

From the video…

“Is a guy not interested in me if he plans a date night and calls right before to say that he also has plans with his friends so can they join?”

Give him the benefit of the doubt if it’s the first time that night he’s done something like this, and go and be charming with his friends.

This can be a great chance to show off a little, as a guy’s attraction for you will go through the roof if his friends are impressed. This isn’t something that we like to admit, but it’s true of women with guys too.

“I just started dating again after years of marriage and I’m not sure of the rules these days. Should I let a guy pay for me and open my car door, or are those days over?”

Guys aren’t taught right.

I just shot a video on this titled ‘Is Chivalry Dead?’. Firstly, this area has become incredibly confusing for guys. We’re in a world now where women are crazy powerful in relation to us, and we’re trying to figure out where we still matter.

Guys have run out of so many ways of impressing women that they should be holding onto all of the remaining ways they can! A guy should look to go the extra mile – to open the car door, to cover the bill… – because it’s immediately going to separate him from every other guy.

If your guy doesn’t do these things, his actions aren’t set in stone. You have to have the confidence to enforce a certain standard.

If he’s never been ‘conditioned’ to do these things, but meets you and you convey that that’s your standard, then he’ll begin to do it if he really wants to impress you.

Communicate your expectations by saying something like, “I would love for you to do this for me.” and give him a chance to live up to them.

Question of the day: What one chivalrous act do you think all men should do?

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36 Replies to “Should Guys Still Hold Open Doors For Women? (Today Show)”

  • Thanks for the clip! Quick question about the first scenario, though:

    If the girl does give the guy the benefit of the doubt, and chooses to go out with him and his (and her) friends, does that “set the standard” for the rest of their time together? If not, how can she then convey to him that she really doesn’t expect that sort of behavior to repeat itself?

    Thanks again for all your wonderful advice, and I suppose my favorite chivalrous action would be…hmm, are massages counted as chivalrous actions? I’d love to get one of those without complaint…

    Really, though, I’d say attention to detail and a lot of affection. So that we feel we’re actually an object of men’s interest, and not just an accessory to their own.

    Hope all is well! (Your hair is definitely improved in this video….love the vests)!

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  • Hi Matt, I was talking to a dating coach because I was thinking of reviewing her book Meet to Marry. When she asked me how my dating was going I mentioned that I’m working with a matchmaker, and that online just wasn’t doing it for me. For the most part, I’ve found that alot of the men online are not commitment oriented. It’s pretty easy to tell. One guy wanted me to go to the other end of town to meet him for coffee instead of meeting halfway. Anyways, she wrote me unsolicited advice that I found very offensive. Would really like your thoughts here because this woman had me in tears. She seemed to say that I was responsible for the men’s behavior online. While I agree that our inner reality is reflected in our outer reality, at the same time I’m still not responsible for other people’s behavior. This is what she wrote:

    The Meet to Marry motto is to To Find The One You Need To Be The One. I coach both men and women and we have blind spots keeping us from love! It’s the human condition and just can’t see our own blind spots.

    The key to finding true love is to look within. True love can be found on dating sites, using a matchmaker or an introduction but we have to know ourselves and be ready to dissolve whatever has been getting in the way. It’s never outside of ourselves. The reason for the high divorce rate is people tend to be unconscious in marriage as well and they don’t understand that the purpose of marriage is self growth and bonding with another. It’s important to be mature, generous and self aware. Also, many singles have lists of what they are looking for, but the list are not qualities that will make them happy.

    When we’re having the experience that “the men in general don’t seem relationship oriented or capable of commitment” –it’s just not a fact. It’s the experience someone is having and that reality can change to one that is empowering. My clients have a shift – a big aha moment and see a clear path to finding love by getting out of their own way, creating a compelling marriage vision and then dating to marry in a fun, exciting and principled way to make it happen. We always attract what we send out, even if it’s unconscious. I am living proof that with a breakthrough anything is possible. I was a total dating disaster and my breakthrough set me on a course that changed my life and now I’m married to Michael for almost 9 years. I never thought it was possible to feel so safe and cared for in a relationship that deepens every year. That is what’s possible and I wish that for you.

    If you are interested in taking a look at what might be getting in your way, I am here. We can do a Breakthrough session. Let me know and I can send you the link.

    So my response was: I’ve done ALOT of inner excavation on this very matter for the past 2 years while I have been online dating and networking. My comments about online dating are anecdotal based on even the experiences of people who met their soulmate online. Just a trend I have noticed and heard for years. I also believe that dating coaches either have to collaborate with a matchmaker or host social mixers. Finding love online alone is not the best strategy. To tell someone that there may be an inner thing going on is accurate in some cases, but extraordinarily destructive in others, especially those who have done that inner work. That is why I like to ask people first what they have done both internally and externally on the path to finding true love before I make a judgement call.

    This she wrote back: My clients are all very successful and smart and have been therapy for a long time and man of my clients are therapists and analysts themselves. We do love work.

    The bottom line is that they have tried everything. We do the inner work first, then create their compelling marriage vision based on emotional needs and 8 other elements and then they learn to date to marry—and they love it! It’s empowering. Inner work is always the foundation. My clients have actually been repelling true love and then they see it and are so relieved.

    You can see by the limited success of matchmakers who send matches that often make no sense. Red heads get red heads, short people are matched with short people—they match based on age and religion and my clients have been dealing with this for 10 years or more. Mystery dating.

    They have patterns that don’t change and they want a change. When a person doesn’t know himself or herself and they have walls up, it doesn’t matter how many events they go to, how many introductions they get, the results are the same. We attract what we send out. They’ve read all of the books and they are finally ready for a change.

    My work is transformational – big aha moments that cause a big shift. Our society is very superficial and people lose themselves and put up big walls of defense. They are so happy to open up to love.In my work people see how lovable and valuable they are and what they actually need in a relationship that is unique to each person. Then they can guide the matchmaker on who they are and become an attraction magnet for what they need to feel happy and safe in a relationship.

    A person definitely has to be ready and it’s truly worth it.

    At this point I felt like she was suggesting that I was not ready to do the work of finding true love. So I asked her to clarify if that was what she was implying. Her response:

    What’s great is that there are so many different ways to meet people and they can choose to date any way that works for them and makes them feel comfortable.

    I found that whatever I did related to dating, the results were the same until I had a breakthrough. For me, with the people I attracted, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I attracted people based on chemical attraction and they all looked great. Didn’t mean there was anything wrong with them—but they were wrong for me and it was consistent over many, many years—it was a pattern for me. So just because I attracted people who were wrong for me, did that mean that amazing men who would be right for me didn’t exist? Of course not. They were there the whole time, but just not for me. The people I attracted couldn’t meet my needs because I was unaware of what my needs were.

    The dating sites are filled with all different kinds of people and it takes skill and knowledge to navigate, as it does working with matchmakers or asking for introductions.

    Like everything in life, we need knowledge and wisdom to achieve success. Marriage readiness is a mindset and we are all works in progress.

    For people who have been dating for a long time and haven’t had results they tend to ask the question: What can I do achieve my dream and thankfully, having success in love is achievable.

    My talent lies in seeing blind spots and blockages and helping people dissolve whatever it is that is getting in their way. I wouldn’t attempt to assess your situation without doing a Breakthrough session. Since you sent a media inquiry I thought it would be great to share a bit of my work and philosophy with you in advance or you receiving the book.I’m passionate about it and love to share. I wish every success in finding love.

    Here is an email from someone who got married after reading the book. I took out her email address to protect her privacy. Her last email below my response tells all. Blessings for you to meet your soulmate soon,


    Hi Bari, I emailed you about 7-8 months ago. Tommorow i am marrying my soul mate. Thanks again for your book and teachings. I am inspired to help others and continue my spiritual journey. I am so happy, and like you, had endless years of dating men who i never connected with yet i longed for ‘the one’. Thanks again, Love P.

  • Car door. The first time we ever went anywhere together in a taxi my man gave me specific instructions to wait for him to open the door for me.

  • Being considerate is attractive. I don’t really expect a guy to open doors, etc., but being courteous increases a guy’s hot factor. If I’m carrying things and a guy opens the door, it’s appreciated. When a guy opened the car door for me, I unlocked his door for him. He really liked that. Both sides should be considerate.

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