Happy Independence Day!
I’m really happy for America today. Given the nature of the day, I thought it would be appropriate to do a video on ‘how to get over an argument’ ; ).
We all go through arguments in relationships, and we don’t necessarily know how to repair things afterwards.
–How can we fix damage that’s been done?
We don’t do it by continuing the feud. We do it through better communication.
There are two things going on in any argument: Rules and Standards.
Examples:
‘I have a rule that someone has to get home by a certain time in order to show that they love me and spend time with me.’
‘I have a standard that the person I’m with has to adore me.’
Standards are important at their core because they reveal intent and values.
Rules are things that we ourselves make up. They are a meaning that we attribute to things. We’re not always right in the meaning that we attribute to things, and sometimes our rules are crazy and out of proportion, or just in the wrong context.
If someone is breaking your rule, you have a decision to make:
–Do I want to change this rule? Is it relevant in this particular moment?
Many times you’ll decide that the rule is not as important as the relationship itself, and that you have a level of love and care and connection that allows you to get bigger than the rule and not make it so important.
If someone fundamentally violates your standard, that’s a different story.
Most people get angry, upset and emotional when their standards are violated, and they don’t know how to vent that, so they stop communicating and continue arguing.
What we have to do is learn to communicate.
The best way to do so is to start in a positive way.
‘I love you. I care for you. I want to be close to you.’
Then lead into talking about your standard.
‘But right now, with what you’re doing – with the way you’re violating my standard – I can’t be close to you.’
And finally lay down what he must do for the relationship to continue.
‘As much as I want it to, this can’t work unless you’re able to change this part of you.’
Give someone the space to improve and surprise you.
If they have the potential, give them the chance to reach that potential. Not forever – but enough of a chance to change.
If they can’t reach that potential, we have to be brave enough to separate ourselves from them so that we can include more people in our lives who will.
You’re either going to have someone who stays and who you keep around because they CAN meet your standards, or you’re going to lose someone who can’t meet your standards.
You’ll either keep someone who’s right for you, or you’ll lose someone who’s wrong for you.
Life really can be as simple as that, even if it’s painful at times.
Question of the day: What’s one Rule that’s no longer be serving you? What’s the underlying standard behind it?
Let me know in the comments!
Just did it and the guy said this is bullshit, that i am foolish and that i am bullying him and that i should reconsider my attitude and mature it..
sounds like he’s bullying you.
Sounds like my ex-husband: I was a bully every time I didn’t agree with him! Make sure he doesn’t have self esteem issue and run away if you are not allowed to express your own views and opinions respectfully without being called a bully.
Wow. I don’t really like dogs (I’m a cat person), but this one is kind of cute and it sure made the video more interesting and funny. :)
Haha, Matt, I just LOVE your sense of humour and enjoy every single one of your videos sooo much – thank you for brightening my days!
How could you not ‘adore’ that little dog?
agree 100%
and I’ll have to resort to ‘the puppy manoeuver’ myself.
Knows what ?
Standards and rules — agree with you — you’re alright for a young dude and a ‘Brit’. Glad to laugh in spite of . . . Thanks — dog’s cute! (okay-you are too) You’re definitely on my wish list for seminars/continuing life relationship education. Reading your book! UK->LA->NY.
I would add 2 things: never, ever have an argument when you are angry/upset. Go talk to your best friend and only have a calm and objective talk with your partner when you have cooled down. And only make big decisions when you are not emotional anymore. It might be hard to change your mind once the words are out!
I’m actually having a tough time with this right now. A guy is wooing me – we were together once before. We broke up in large part because he couldn’t meet my rules (about how often we saw each other – it was long distance, and communication). We’re back in touch now and he really wants to be together and says he can see where he went wrong before. My standard is that for a relationship we need to spend a lot of time together and I need a high level of reliability- if he says he’s going to do something I consider it done.
I don’t want to have really detailed rules (ie I need you to call this often, or I need x amount of notice if you are going to fly out to see me), but I don’t think somehow that he really understands the standard. He’s clearly trying very hard, and we’re not even dating at this point. I don’t want to be a nag, or to write someone off who is wonderful in many ways, but I also want to walk away if this isn’t going to work. How to tell?
Lol, (smh) you’re silly Matt…
—
Ursulline
Santa Monica,CA
HAHAHAHHA That dog..
This is a really good point. Youre a genius with all of your stress on being high value, it makes such a difference in every area of life just adapting that mindset !
PS. Just finished your book! Loved it :)
Matt, I have been seeing a great guy. The best man I have ever met. It’s not my excuse but he is up north every weekend working on renovations to his cabin every weekend for a year and finally, it is almost time for it to be assessed. He is under a lot of pressure with work and getting these renovations done. He has a successful job and is very driven on succeeding financially. I see him once a week with a few exceptions. He has not told me he loves me yet and he recently commited to me sexually but I don’t know if it was from risk of losing me and just because he says I am the only one he is sleeping with or sees and whatever free time he has he is spending it with me. We have incredible x sex. If t he was that. into me would he commit no matter how busy he is or is that a cop out? He keeps telling me he doesn’t have time to give me th time and attention I need. I tried telling him I want more and trying to ask him how he feels about me . He always texts and it took days to get an answer to that and, am I wasting my time thinking we will be an item some day? Matt, he is very smart and educated but he turned, dumb, stupid and responded with every thing else but answering two simple questions. When I am with him he is perfect. A gentlemen, respectful, takes me. out but most of the time it is just coming over for sex because he works late and doesn’get here till at least nine or later. The problem is when I am not with him it is like I don’t exist. I don’t hear from him most weekends and for days during the week. We argued recently because I sent him a couple of videos that said, if a man won’t commit, he just does not care enough. If he does, he will commit no matter how busy he is. He promised when the cabin is assessed this month, he will set a date for us to go up. His father passed away before Christmas last year and his mom lives in VT withhis other brother. We live in MA. We got in a huge fight over the last two holidays but after we met and explained his mom and dad’sanniversary was July 4th and they always spent it at his cottage and his mom is a mess and it is not time for company and they are helping to finish up for the deadline I understood. I felt like he didn’t want me to meet his family. I understand now though. I was content, supportive, understanding even though he told me he is too buay for a relationshipfrom the start. Seems when things are about to collapse he can text me constantly from work where otherwise, I get no responseHe for hours or days. He even told me he likes when I am demanding. I think he get’s some sort of self-gratification when I get so upset and go off on him. I know every sernario has a different answer, so I am asking your opinion of all this. Honestly, I am starting to think he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want to loose his hot convenient fuck. He is 41 and I am 52. Can this work? I want to ask him tonight if or he is going to be available weekends after the cabin closes or does he plan to keep working on it all year. Also, I want to ask him face to face if he considers me a friend or is he capable if loving me? Should I ask hum in a different way? I am seeing him tonight so if you getthis please help asap. Please cintact me at my email so I don’t have to keep checking back here. Oh, one more questiin? Other than the live videos in your online courae, will I get as much out of your book? I brag and recommend you to all my friends. Please come to Boston and do a seminar. I will be happy to show you Boston. You are gorgeous and wish You lived here. Do you have a gf at the moment? You are extremely busy so I know you can let me know if this is a cop out or not! I keep telling him If you cared enough, you would make time for me just like you do for everything else important!
Greetings Matthew,
I feel warm and fuzzy about your puppy. I want to know the puppy’s name. I like puppy. BTW, I saw the Today’s show video about the gem stone effect. I wish Kathy wouldn’t interrupt and talk over you sometimes it feels disrespectful. I know it’s her TV show with Hoda…anyway, That’s my preference. Listening is better for me because then I can understand your answer to the question. No offense Kathy. Umm, well does your videos have affiliate marketing? I would love to share Get The Guy with my audience.
I don’t know that I have set “rules” but I have triggers. My husband normally either takes off work on Fridays or takes half day so we can hang out together. If more than one Friday passes that he is busy and doesn’t take that time off or acts like it is stressful to have to take it off then I immediately think he doesn’t care as much. I realize this isn’t probably the case but I “feel” it in a disappointing way and then it is stuck in my mind. Also, my husband is a lawyer of a healthcare company so his job doesn’t really end when he comes home (even though he is awesome and usually comes home by 5pm each day) but he is CONSTANTLY on the phone. Not talking but checking texts and emails. He is also now addicted to the phone with facebook, instragram, snapchat and iphone games. We have kids ranging from 18-25 who have gotten him into the social media thing and that is how he communicates with them a lot. SO, I feel deglected when he checking his phone so much. One of my daughters and I harp on him (I know that’s bad) all the time for being on the phone too much and he just scoffs but then keeps right on. I can understand if it is work but now it is Words With Friends and checking facebook, etc. I hate that I am wanting to look over all the time to criticize if it is not just emails from work – HELP! That is a huge trigger. How do I encourage him to use it less (I can’t stay naked 12 hours a day, hahahaha).
I was in e relationship and once the guy told me that he is not ready for this relationship at the time and I told him how much I need him.after that he text me nearly everyday but there is nothing showing he is interested in me anymore in his textes…I don’t understand him!Is he still interested in me and his excuses are real or he just text me not to feel guilty?
Matt – that dog is simply too cute!!!! But then so are you ;-) Thank you for changing my life since the retreat – it’s getting better each day and your videos are the best. Kx
hahahahahahahaha
“I made you some English Tea. Good for you, America. Good for you..” XDDD
That made my day! Thank you! *still laughing*
If I ever meet you in real life, remind me to tell you my views on this “holiday” of my country.
lmfao
wow, i needed to hear this today! Thanks Mat
@Susan, took me forever but he calls everyday now we are not together xoxo
Hello, Matthew,
I have appreciated many of your videos, some not so much as you are of an entirely different (younger) generation than myself.
Listened,to two of your latest videos this morning,and realized you are a gay man giving straight ladies relationship advice (Jamieson was the givewaway here) –
Can this really work? I mean these are two very different
dimensions of human existence – example I can never truly understand, grasp accurately, the gay experience………
Just wondering.
And very sweet and pretty little dog you have there.