Can My BF Be Friends With Women?

Imagine your boyfriend just introduced you to his attractive, funny and cool “best friend”, who also happens to be a woman. What do you feel? Awkward? Uncomfortable? I don’t blame you.

It’s that eternal puzzle: Can men and women ever be just friends? Most people respond to seeing their partner having friends of the opposite sex in the worst possible ways: anger, jealousy, coldness. Or…they choose an even worse strategy. They avoid the issue entirely and become resentful, until one day they just explode and make a HUGE messy scene.

Both of these are wrong.

In this week’s video, I reveal exactly under what circumstances you should accept your guy having female friends, and show you the TWO THINGS he must do before you should feel comfortable with the situation.

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29 Replies to “Can My BF Be Friends With Women?”

  • I had a boyfriend who only kept female friends. He would be transparent but he would not lead wholeheartedly in involving me. I would be confident but felt daggers from his best buddy on the 2 times I saw her. She told him that I intimidate her. I knew I had been friendly and had made an effort to have an open mind so I openly asked of he had slept with her in the past. He confessed that they had but she was looking for more and he didn’t want more. From that I resolved that he was the main issue and I that I souks have issues with his lack of self control and boundaries.

  • I had a boyfriend who only kept female friends. He would be transparent but he would not lead wholeheartedly in involving me. I would be confident but felt daggers from his best buddy on the 2 times I saw her. She told him that I intimidate her. I knew I had been friendly and had made an effort to have an open mind so I openly asked of he had slept with her in the past. He confessed that they had but she was looking for more and he didn’t want more. From that I resolved that he was the main issue and I that I would have issues with his lack of self control and boundaries.

  • This video makes me so happy. I’ve had the joy of having many healthy platonic friendships. My male friends enrich my life, I’ve learned vital lessons from them. I think it’s important to mention that women should expect respect from their partner AND his female friends. If his friends are people of character, you will feel safe from the beginning. If there are red flags, I honestly don’t believe that the friendship in question is a healthy one. I’ve never had issues with girlfriends being jealous unless they had a valid reason to be. I had to take responsibility for my poor boundaries and unhealthy attachments. The most important thing that Matt said is that we have to respect ourselves enough to require more from our partners. Self respect is the answer to sooooo many problems. You’re my hero Matthew!

    1. Great post! You said; “if his friends are People of good character, you will feel safe.” May I just add: “if HE is a person of good character, you will feel safe”. It’s HIS JOB and YOUR job to create a solid relationship! No woman can steal a man who is Truly in Love…he simply does not see other women in that way, even if he interacts w them regularly!

  • ThankGod you addressed this issue, Matthew!!! I am working in a male-dominated field. I am friendly, PROFESSIONAL, pretty and nice!!! Many of my male co-workers seem to have insecure controlfreak gitlfriends/wives. I am NO threat simply because I am a professional. This means even if I joke around w your man at work, as I will even w my female co-workers, NOTHING will EVER happen because I make sure it doesn’t!! Just because You find your sweetie sexy does NOT mean that I find him sexy!!!! Hopefully, this video will make my life easier!!

  • You’re so cute, as always, bringing up those important issues in such a clear and brilliant way. And thank you for confirming what I thought about this issue.

  • 3 months ago my guy and I broke up over a female friend of his. For 2 years (the length of our relationship) I have been asking him to include me in his friendship with her. I have numerous times voiced my concerns and feelings about the issue. They kept texting and getting together without me. I always found out after the fact during conversation. My boyfriend and her had a physical relationship for a while about 5 years ago. She was and is STILL MARRIED! Her husband has no clue either.
    He swears there is nothing physical going on and that I can’t tell him who to be friends with. So when a few months ago I was awakened by a text from her on his phone on a Sunday morning at 7:45 to invite him for coffee, I had enough and got very upset. We argued and he threw me out and broke up with me. We still tried talking about it but he is such a stubborn person he wouldn’t acknowledge how this is wrong.
    I was so upset and felt so betrayed that I finally sent a message to the other woman. Never heard from her. So I contacted her husband and brought him up to speed on the situation. Now my ex boyfriend is super angry with me. He says I’m the one that can’t be trusted!! I am deeply in love with this man. It took us a long time to have this very deep connection. But I had to put my foot down and stand up for myself. I see him from time to time. I keep hoping he sees the light one day and realizes how all he had to do was include me.
    A very sad Hilde

    1. I’m so sorry, Hilde. He doesn’t sound like a good guy. In cases like that, there is nothing you can do, and trying to fix the situation at this point only increases *your* investment in him and demonstrates to him how much power he gains by behaving badly.

      Everything good that you felt with him for two years…all the inspiration and joy and whatever else…that came from you, not from him. It’s harder to access right now, but it’s still with you. Take care of yourself, and he will (eventually) be irrelevant.

  • It’s difficult to discuss the tough topics, but it’s also extremely important. I agree, that a long-term mindset when it comes to rules, that are sustainable and kind are key. They help produce and maintain a healthy and strong relationship. To have my thoughts that honesty, respect (for yourself and partner), communication, trust and being involved in your partner’s life summed up into two words: Transparency and Involvement, simplified all of the above for me.

    I always tend to think in forms of illustration. To me, a relationship is like a wedding cake. It can be beautifully crafted, multi-layered or simple. Varies on the couple. The point is not in the outer appearance, but that it has all the essential ingredients, is well-centered, and fully baked at the right temperature. No one wants a cake that’s missing ingredients, is lopsided and has cake batter oozing out of it.

    So, this video put a strong topic in a simple way without missing the true concept, and I undoubtedly appreciated that about it. Thank you, Matt!

  • I think this is a complicated topic, and it is complicated for just one simple reason. Man and women can’t be “just friends”. Especially men, they will never ever be friends with women they don’t feel attracted to in some degree. Just saying.

  • Great video Matt. I was hoping you would cover this. Many guys seem to need female “friends” in their lives. They aren’t really friends in the true sense of the meaning, it’s about feeding ego and being the centre of attention! I have seen this in women too and done deliberately to have a presence in your relationship because they don’t have a fulfilling life.

    1. Thank you Claire, I appreciate that someone else shares my feelings about these women.
      I would never intrude on someones relationship, that’s why I can’t just accept it when a woman chooses to intrude on mine. It’s instinctive, we all know it’s not right.

  • You are doing great job. your tips are very helpful.. I want to thank you..This video makes me aware about the things that must be considered in a relationship..and how to deal with such a situation..most important thing is how to communicate with my partner(in this situation)..Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.. u r doing great job and my best wishes r always with u.

  • I am so happy I am subscribed to this website. Matthew you have no idea how much you’ve made an impact on my life – not just my love life lol I am in a committed, healthy relationship after two years of being single but this in particular has been a bit of an issue for me because he is good friends with someone he has a history with. He has done everything to protect my ego, involve me and is transparent. I don’t feel the way I used to at the beginning of the relationship like she was a time bomb that would destroy our relationship. I trust him and he’s been honest with me and she is a really nice person. I always thought I’d get obsessive over the situation one day and just leave but I am happy I did not

  • Hey Mathew, you genius you…

    I have had a rather horrible experience with this exact situation. This advice rocks.

    How would you advise responding to the guy maintaining a friendship when the female best friend has admitted feelings for him? He’s made it very clear nothing would happen, but I believe he should step away, he sees her as his best friend who understands the situation.



    1. All I had to do was talk to my ex and tell him how I felt.

      I explained that I was worried about her feelings for him and while he wasn’t interested in her and told her so many times she still had feelings for him and I was worried how it would effect her and asked that he make sure that they weren’t alone in private and alone as little in public as possible to help get her out of the romantic mindset when they would hang out and it was making it harder on her to let go of the idea of him being the one she wants to be with.
      Not all men or situations are the same, but for me I approached it from the prospective of she’s a woman and I’m a woman and I connect with her on an emotional level and I’m worried about her and her feelings. I did not attack him or their friendship and tell him to stay away because that would have started his fight mode, because he would have felt like I was trying to control him and put limits and rules on him and make him feel like I didn’t trust him. That worked for me. I don’t know if this helps you, but it is another veiw you may not have seen or thought of yet.

  • hi, Mathew thank you for that topic… do you knowvbthat recently wme abd my bf, had a bad discussion of about him meeting a lady friend in an disco with live bands… he told me.. I will listen to music nn. but before hand, never told me that he will meet a lady friend there.. he told me before hand, that ge will be late than usual ti be On line..

    By the way Mathew, am on a long distance relationship with a guy for almost two years now…

    When my Bf tuned in on line… I am on line too on our specified time to meet on line

    That was the time he told me, he met a friend… he isn’t saying it’s a lady.. he Saud he danced done, and listened to music.. then came 9pm he went hone alone, that what he told me

    But he said, “am listening to music but he was sad…I saw couples who were enjoying and very happy, but i was sad”
    H didn’t mentioned to me why he was sad that might inspite of listening to good music with a live band, he should have enjoyed it.

    Knowing that he, my Bf met a lady friend.. I was shocked… so I keep on questioning him about the lady… and he said to me.. ” don’t worry, there’s nothing in there… there’s no chemistry in there… there’s no plan of meeting her again… and future plans”,..he said

    Mathew, my question is will I believe on whatever my Bf told me.. just to make me comfortable in that situations?

    And why in the first place, he didn’t told me everything about he is meeting this lady aside from listening to music

    I am hurt.. but he tried his best to pacify me during that nite… and we almost talked 2 1/2 on line.. he didn’t stop explaining until I calmed down…

    By the way Mathew, am a Filipina. and my Bf is an American.
    And we talked on line 2 times a day…
    before he goes to work and before his bed time..

    I always watched your videos and subscribed..

    Thank you very much… I aporecuated all your advises and it helped..
    God bkess !!!

  • I love this video. Normally it doesn’t bother me, when the person I’m with texts or talks to other women, because I’m secure in our relationship. This time however is a different situation than I’ve ever been in and it doesn’t bother me that he talks to her, what he has to say to her and he can’t say to her that bothers me and scares me.

    First let me explain the situation. My boyfriend had a one night stand, when he was still single and extremely drunk, so drunk he remembers telling her I’ll take a bj but I won’t have sex with you (his thing since high school). He doesn’t remember much else after that, except another drink and waking up fully clothed with her laying on him and her planning a future with him and saying he was great in bed. Next thing he know’s she’s pregnant (yep it’s his, just got test results back and he still doesn’t remember sleeping with her). He is nice to her, because she is pregnant, but they are not together, never were. He starts seeing someone and she flips out on the person he is seeing and threatens to beat her up, they break up. He isn’t on the birth certificate, didn’t help pick baby names and didn’t even get to see his son until after we started dating when his son was 8 months old.
    She finds out about me by accident when she saw us kiss and himat Smith’s after he saw his son once and flips out calling me all kinds of foul names, but he calms it and continues to meet her to see his son. The fourth time she allows him to see their son, I am kicked out of our place because she is coming over instead of him going there, then she calls me on his phone and threatens to kill me and beat me up if I don’t stay away from her man. She is screaming so loud my 3 year old years the foul language clearly enough to repeat it and my parents hear every word she screams at me, gets on his Facebook, messages me that we are over and more and then blocks me along with 4 other Christina’s from his facebook and deletes all our numbers from his phone (found this out a few days later when our mutual friend Christina text him and her name didn’t show but I thought it was her number, double checked and sure enough it was) all within minutes of him saying he is with Christina. I was going to leave him because this woman of 5 (five different daddy’s) had me convinced that he was cheating and playing us both until I talked to his mom and found out he has never been with her and is only with me and loves me and the whole story with her. I end up getting a protection order on her, cops suggest boyfriend gets one too and ways around him still seeing his son. She gets protection order from me and now threatens to never allow him to see his son as long as he is with me. He starts playing nice with her again and saying him and I are friends.
    She stalks us via friends on Facebook.
    We take our relationship status off so no one can see it and he has stopped posting to my wall unless he deletes it instantly.
    He doesn’t say outright that he is only there to see his son, he was sending her love eyes and kiss faces (I told him that needs to stop, because even if it is just to keep peace and see his son that is not okay with me), she will ask him if thy are going to be a family now and he will say yes but won’t specify that it is only with his son.
    It bothers me even though I know he needs to do it to protect me, himself and be able to see his son, because I feel like he is leading her on. She is becoming more obsessed with him as time goes on, but when he doesn’t say or send those things to her or makes it clear he is not with her she flips out and it gets ten tomes worse. She doesn’t like when he goes to the gym or store, she watches to see when he is active on messenger or posts something on Facebook so she can message him instantly, she’s driven past his parents to see if he is there, she tries to get him to stay the night or come over at 2 am (to spend time with their son). We are afraid what she will do to me if she finds out we are still together. I’m afraid she is going to snap on him and hurt him too if she finds out we are still together, so the texts continue at least until court is out of the way and she can no longer threaten to take him for everything and never let him see his son again, but I still don’t like it or feel good about it. I feel like the mistress to the man who asked me to marry him and spend the rest of our lives together.

    This whole thing stresses him out and it bothers him that he can’t take me out because she might find out and that he can’t photos with me and my daughter and he has to hide his phone so she doesn’t snoop through it and find out we are still together and it bothers him that she is sending him messages that she loves him and that he can’t really spend any time with his son because she is there and won’t let him take him for a few hours and her other children are acting like he is going to be their dad too.
    I spend almost every day with him and his mom and his mom reassures me that him and I are doing the right thing until court.

  • Yeah! The main lesson of this video: Honesty. If there’s nothing to hide, just be cool about it. Why can’t all people just be simple and cut to the chase as that? Love from Brazil, Matthew! Bye

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