I believe winners are defined by how they respond to losing.
In love, we have all been losers.
Remember that rejection you felt, when the cute guy at the party gave you the cold shoulder? Or that time you went on a great first date and he never called again? Or, worse still, that feeling we all have when we fall head over in heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way?
It is brutal out there. Losing can leave you asking all those big questions: Can anyone truly love me? Will I ever be capable of keeping someone’s interest? Am I just not cut out for relationships and better off single?
We will all lose at some point – It’s a matter of when, not if.
Love won’t always treat us fairly. Sometimes we will do everything right and still lose. And in those moments we cannot afford to learn the wrong lessons from our pain. I’ve seen people who are on the path to amazing things, and trade it all in after experiencing one big failure that knocks them sideways.
When people get rejected in their love life, I’ve noticed two different kinds of mindsets, and from this mindset alone I can tell if a person is ultimately going to recover and find happiness.
Let’s say a woman goes on a date with a guy and he never calls her back. Or maybe he does call back and says he wants to see other people.
In that moment, we have two choices of how we define that rejection in our heads; a high value mindset or a low value mindset.
Which one of these we choose will determine the meaning we ascribe to that rejection:
A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.”
A high value mindset says – “He rejected me. He has no idea how great I really am.”
A high value mindset makes moving on from rejection so much easier. And it’s not about being delusional and giving ourselves positive fluff to feel better. It’s about saying the truth: “This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”
A low value mindset, on the other hand, can paralyze us. It’s the mindset that leads us to neediness, jealousy, insecurity, and all those negative traits that actually make it harder for someone to fall for us in the first place. When we don’t feel like we are the best thing that could ever happen to a guy, we start to worry that he could walk away and find someone better, and then, because we live in fear that he might leave, we cling on even harder, and eventually our neediness drives him away. (By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).
So, in these moments of failure, no matter how good-looking or successful we are, how we deal with failure is going to define everything.
If I could teach one thing to young people starting out in life, it would be what is known as RESILIENCE.
RESILIENCE = “The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.”
How much resilience we have is going to be determined by which of the above mindsets we choose. When we lose, do we tell ourselves it’s because we deserve to lose? Or do we tell ourselves that this failure is just another story to tell once we achieve the success we should be having?
See, this is what separates high value people – High value people feel like they deserve success, even if they haven’t had success yet.
Low value spend their lives waiting for someone else to tell them they are worthy, and even then they don’t really believe it, because they don’t feel loveable at their core.
Resilience defines people who reach their dreams in life. Without it, we can spend our whole lives missing out on what we deserve because we waste it wallowing in our failures.
The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.
Today I want to ask you a question: what failures have you recovered from that have ultimately made you stronger? Leave a comment and we’ll do our very best to get back to you!
I have recovered a relationship with mental violence by a ex-partner with a narcissistic disordered personality.
Today I have even more confidence and feeling more happy than before that unhealthy relationship.
And this was mostly by lifting my mindset to:
I’am a wonderful person and I deserve the best
I changed my mindset and thereby changed my life
Back “on the sunny side of the street, dubi dubi duuu”
Hello Mathew dear – I’ve been through all your get the guy stuff and with this article you’ve just pushed the nail right through my head so to speak.
I’ve been
“A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.””
BUT I’m just about here:
“This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”
I also think this is what is wrong with ‘my guy’:
“…(By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).”
So how can we right two wrongs? – After three years I know or feel that deep down we were meant for each other with all our faults and our good points. (I’m now 59 and had come out of an abusive 25 year long marriage).
With all I know now, I’d just love to have a fresh start taking it from that first date with ‘my guy’. But we don’t hear or see each other anymore.I had become very needy when he wouldn’t see me.I wrote and wrote and then he put a ‘stop’ to that as well (4 months now no contact)
Thanks again for all your help. I know I still have a lot of other issues to work on. Wish I could come to your week intensive rehab. I will as soon as I get the opportunity.
Best, Hellena
So many girls here with similar plight!!
He turned cold he pulled away he disappeared on me. Gosh how can we smarter and KNOW in advance if a guy was going to do that, before being too involved?
It kinda makes me angry to know so many guys are so weak so bad at being honest and respectful to women!!!
Or are women too blinded by the idea of romance that they don’t see those signs when they surface? Matt often say don’t play games and just be authentic, the best way to be in dating- but this evidently isn’t the brief the guys got!!
Being open and believing in the good of people often requires you to trust and go with the flow, but what if people constantly let you down?
Surely there must be some tips to get women to be smarter and less likely to be hurt?
thanx 4 d post matt. Am having a similar problem of rejection, i met this guy about two months ago. Things were going well b/w us. But i was so much worried dat we may end d relationship sooner than later. My worried was that he never introduce me to any of his friends or family.but each time i called him or he called me, his always in d mist of his family or friends but never mention my name to them. So within me i felt am not special to him and i stop calling him. Since then he has not called me too for about three weeks now. I hv move on with my life bcos he is d loser and not me
well I hope Im gettin the question right…My failure was my weakness…. when I was a teenager I was bullied in school. It was pretty bad I was extremely depressed because of that.Every single day I was crying in my room and going to school seemed to be a nightmare for me. My mum thought that I could do something with my spare time after school just to get my mind off thoughts about school…so I signed up for swimming.My first days were horrible I was really scared ,swimming pool was like the ocean .It was all I could think of when i was lookin at the pool…that its a massive ocean and water seemed to be a great power .Although after months I was swimming very well,It came so naturally,soon water became my getaway and I felt like a fish.There was no one who could complete with me … I became the best in the group.Because I had swimming as a part of sport lessons in school …soon my teachers have started noticing that I am on a different level than other girls.One day we had swimming lessson with lads who were bullying me.I guess they egos have started speaking for them and they challenged me. I won.I won with a group of way stronget than male bullies.But It was not about winning anymore… i became a totally different person in my mind….finally I saw that I am a valuable person..that I shouldnt be ashamed of who i am .I would never thought that Ill b so good in sport.I think thats a lesson for everyone..dont hurt anyone ,be proud of what You do,youre priceless no matter what they say You can be the best in whatever You want.Just do it!
I forgot to add… …i believe..Its the same In sport and in love… people will try to hurt You.My only advise to ladies is …be good women and know your values …it hurts horribly when men are acting the way they do…but my only advise would be to stay positive, good ,know how good You are…be proud that You are ladies ! men hurt because theyve been hurt by somebody else and they are really insecure… be proud that You are ladies because knowing Your value will get You anywhere You want to be in life :)
Hi Matt,
Sometimes we have both of these feelings and we are fighting for a long time …! One is prevailing over the other … then in worse moments comes the fist. It is difficult, because the feeling of being worthy is not only a belief, it is mainly a feeling. It is related to emotional stability. But in some life situations we are not very stable emotionally. And this is when losses are really difficult to overcome and bad experiences can leave scars for a whole life.
Sooo … it’s good to be careful, whom we communicate with, to have clear perspective of what we want and what we look for (what is important for us!), and to tell it CLEARLY to the other person! (So mistakes and misunderstandings are minimized.) And it’s good not to be frivolous, and better be careful not to hurt other people. But unfortunately I learned this from a bad experience …! God …, can we not learn only from the good experiences?! :)
I don’t believe in the “deserve” thing. I believe that everything in life is a GIFT! :) Just as life itself. Gift from God. So we don’t deserve, but we surely NEED the best! and we should be looking for it! And then when it comes … just be thankful for that gift. That’s how I see it .. :)
I not know how to love,am confuse.
How can you start talking to a guy you really like without him thinking you’re weird?
I really like a guy from my uneversity, we only stare at eachother but never say a word ’cause we don’t know eachother. I can be really talkative with EVERYONE except with a guy I like and espcially when it comes to iniciating a conversation because I’m afraid he’s going to reject me. I only see the guy when I get out of class, I go out and he goes in into that same classroom. It’s silly how I can’t even say hi or something.
To answer your question at the end of this entry, I think one example would be the breakup I had with my ex last year.
Before the breakup, I was just an insecure young girl who needed assurance. Upon breaking up with him, I started empowering myself and trying out new areas in life- like sports, culinary (I could not even fry an egg previously, but I discovered I have good culinary instincts), learning a bit of Japanese, art, writing. Also, I cut my hair short- something I had always wanted to do but held off because he liked long hair. Besides, I became more independent and enthusiastic about life.
There, getting your heart broken isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The meaning of signals life gives us, is ultimately dependent on how we decipher them.
Wow! I was totally impressed with your words. This is exactly what I need – to realized that I am a high value woman and should have a high value mindset.
Just had my heart broken because of the man I was dating, I thought everything was perfect – We dated for almost like a month, going out every other day, coffee , dinner, movies, walk me home , calls and text me everyday but then I was playing hard to get – he never really knew I liked him and then I was out of the country for a month for a vacation and when I come back he started playing cold to me but still hangs out with me once in a while – and suddenly my friend caught him dating someone – I ask him personally if he is seeing another girl and then he admitted to me that he is already in a relationship and started dating when I left- I feel cheated and rejected but I have no right as we were not officially together. I still do call him, ask him out and trying to get his attention and now after reading your blog – I stopped and think – What the hell am I doing? He is not even worth it, because if he is, he could have at least waited or confirm to me before jumping on another date or relationship. I need to move on now..
Thanks Matthew !!! ;-)
That’s exactly the same situation I am getting over!!~~~ I think I had too good an impression of him, and couldn’t see past the ‘good persona/ personality’ he had on, when he’s interacting with me. But turns he was dating other people, when he said he wasn’t but I couldn’t sense it. x
It’s taken me a long Time to realise this but it’s so true ! it all comes back to self confidence, without that you will never get anywhere. Good article as always love your work :)
I guess what makes it harder to maintain resilience after a break-up is that one off or constant text from the other person, which is an indirect reminder of what has happened.
No one has actually explicitly taught your dedicated readers how to deal with this situation in a productive healthy way …Hint hint
You can thank me later ;)
Hi Keira,
Get your phone company to put a block on their calls and text messages its easy to do.
Hi,
I’ve seemed to an excessive amount of bad break-ups, but that’s life. I would say I’ve made bad decisions relating to men, from my first love and cheating husband. I tried so many times to forgive him which obviously did not work and we divorced. When i was with him we didn’t have much in life and I didn’t have many expectations other than to be a good wife and mother.
I then progressed to a bully and control freak, but gained an insight into the bargain, so a good lesson learned. However, he did the most amazing thing for me he gave me the confidence to achieve in life. The only problem was he didn’t want me to out grow him, and of course I did, hence he started to bully and try to control me out of fear of losing me, which drove me away from him. This time there was no sorrow or pain I was invigorated and glad to be free.
After a few short-lived relationships which were good and bad and ended for various reasons, I thought I had met the man I would grow old with. I moved in with him after 8 years of a relationship and it all fell apart rapidly due to his sons, who are adults and supposedly not living at home any more, causing problems which neither him or I handled well. This one devastated me, as I had allowed myself to believe that he would always stand by me and protect me. Sadly his love did not run deep enough.
I was hit hard by this, but have also personally grown as well as suffered. I am an independent woman and I had lost that in this relationship. I had always given and supported him in everything he did, even when it didn’t suit me. His father was ill, so I moved in and helped him till after the funeral and then had to return home to support my daughter through a crisis. Years later he said I’d abandoned him. My mother died and he didn’t stay with me for the night, even though he didn’t have work the next day as it was Boxing Day. The only way he supported me through everything was to throw cash at me. Seems mad now I’m out of it but, at the time I thought he was being caring.
As me and my friends say about my love life ‘and so another one bites the dust’
I have followed and learnt many things from you over the past year and decided that I needed to take control of my life again and that I’m the only person outside of my family that I can rely on to make me happy. I’ve not used your site and books to find a man, I wanted to understand they think, but it’s been the insight into my self worth.
I now feel strong again and I’m enjoying life to the full, I’ve joined a social group -not to date, but I do date, love, laugh and feel confident again. I’ve had some tough times but I’ve grown due to them. I like being single, I’m content and it shows. At 55 yrs of age to be told you’re FOXY, FASCINATING, and numerous other complimentary things by men in their 40’s is all I need to know I’m a quality woman who only accepts quality men who show me respect.
hi Mat.
i’m sure you have heard about the “No Contact Rule” , and it’s not there to basically bring your ex back , it’s more like giving yourself a break to stabilizes your emotions again . BUT, what if i really want him back ???
i know i invested a lot in him asked him to communicate with me more (excuse: always busy) have been so emotional ….blah blah blah .
Hi,
I have always like this guy who just never looked my way. He just look at me as a friend. I know he is never attracted to me, after so many years. We are distant relative, by the way.
We hardly meet, he never called or text, he dosen’t try to ask me out, he dosen’t do anything, although I have always wished that he would. It is always easy for him to turn around and leave my life. But the problem is each time our life cross path,I just feel something for him.
The last time we met was 3 years ago, and I think I had forgotten him during that time. I think I did… I don’t understand why universe send him back into my sphere. And once again, I felt that feeling for him… which I know I shouldn’t have.
I tried this time since our life finally managed to cross path and he turned me down. I know he has every right to turn me down, but my heart just hurt so bad… I wish he would call me now even though the way he turned me down was quite mean.
There are guys who tried to date me before, but I just don’t feel much, or anything. I just don’t know why he just make me feel in a certain way.
Would I ever find this feeling on another man? I miss him so much. I know he is never attracted to me, but I don’t know why I like him so much. Cupid must be kidding me.
I still wish he look my way… I still wish he call me now…
Sorry to pour my troubles on you. But I don’t know how…
Eris
Maybe, it’s because he triggered some pattern or emotional pattern in you that you are familiar with while you were a child. Often times, this person is only to teach you a valuable lesson but should not be the one for you. Just my two cents.
Hi Liz, thanks for your response. Your 2 cents worth are valuable. I hope my mind and heart could see this and stop feeling for him. I hope I don’t ever like him again in my life.
I saw your comments, how long have you waited? I am sorry. I suffered the same thing in both work and personal. Sometimes, silence is a “NO” (like my case; all these years); and I have learned to accept times of Silence=NO.
I wish that you find a job that you truly like and pays well soon.
Thank you!!!
This instantly relieved me :)
thanks Matt …
Whoever is reading this, trust me whenever romance shoots a door in your face its for your own good and instead of wondering whats wrong with you think about it in a different mindset ( high value ) that u never really fail you learn a lesson that makes you stronger and more mature for your own true soulmate.