How frustrating is it to keep going on dates that don’t go anywhere? Why does turning Date #1 into Date #2 sometimes feel like such a struggle?

In this video, Stephen and I get highly practical on how you can up your flirting game in simple ways that will transform the electricity on your dates. Pay close attention and take lots of notes . . .

Matthew:

What is the reason that so many people struggle to turn date one into date two? Because a lot of people go on a date, feels like it went well, but then the person doesn’t call afterwards. How do you … look, you can’t ever say that you can make it inevitable that someone’s going to call after a date, but how do you nudge things in that direction? How do you make such an impact on the date that afterwards this person feels compelled to want to see you again?

In this video, we discuss the thing that so many people fail to do, that means they never get the call. Check it out, and I will see you at the end of the video for a special little gift.

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Matthew:

How do you create chemistry in addition to connection? A lot of people who go on a first date, finish the date, think that it went well. We had great conversation. It all seemed to be going well. And then I never got the call after the date. What, in your opinion are the things that you can say or do on a date to create chemistry so that you can actually secure a second date instead of just having a date where there was great conversation and perhaps connection, but not the fire that gives it the momentum to take it to that second or third date?

Stephen:

Well, it’s well observed that there is a difference there, and that’s already astute to note that the connection is different to chemistry. And some people are great talkers and they’re great at opening up and being fun and just talking all night, especially people who go to business networking and stuff. They’re like, talk, talk, talk, chat, chat, chat. I’ve got loads of thoughts and ideas and opinions, but thoughts and ideas and opinions are not what create sexual tension. They’re not what create a spark, a frisson, the little magic where you feel something. And I’ve had this. I’ve had this where I’ve gone on dates with people and been like, that was fun or I had a nice time, but there was never a moment. There was never a moment where I felt like, oh, that’s exciting or I’m really intrigued by, or I feel a physical pull towards her now.

Matthew:

Which it should be noted is not simply to do with … chemistry isn’t even to do with how good looking someone is. You could be sitting opposite someone you think objectively is really good looking or really beautiful. But if you see chemistry as electricity that joins the two of you, there’s no electricity joining the two of you. There’s just them objectively looking attractive. So, what is it? I’ve got a couple of things, Steve, to throw in the mix here, but what are the things that you think create that electricity so that it’s not just two attractive people sitting opposite each other, having nice conversation.

Stephen:

I think one thing is there is an undeniable … there’s an element of risk involved in creating chemistry. There’s always an element of, it doesn’t take much to put yourself on the line to give an idea or an opinion, a thought, oh, I’ve got this goal and this is what I love. But maybe if you take a risk and notice something about them or you give a little … even if you said, “You have really cute dimples when you smile,” even that is a risk. It’s a moment of risk. Or you say, I don’t know, “You sound really cute when you laugh like that,” or “That shirt looks really good on you.” Even as small as that as just being like, “No, I think that shirt looks great on you. It shows your big shoulders. I like it.” That even-

Matthew:

You do have big shoulders, Steve.

Stephen:

Thank you, Matt. So do you.

Matthew:

Runs in the family.

Stephen:

I think a moment like that registers, especially in a guy’s brain. I think we’ve talked about this before, but I think men as a whole are less used to getting a physical compliment or something that just says, “Oh, I noticed that about you and I think it’s attractive.” They’re less used to getting that and I think men register that a lot and they remember it, and they remember something you’re attracted to about them. But that always takes a moment of, you’re like, “Ooh, they noticed me. They are thinking in that way.” It’s not that you have to be thinking dirty thoughts, but they are thinking in that way. They’re thinking like this is a date. That’s what we’re here for. We’re not just messing around being pals here. We’re thinking, “Oh, I’m actually into you. I’m kind of interested in you.” So there’s vulnerability, there’s intrigue, there’s a little bit of risk. Those are the seeds that start creating chemistry beyond just we’re connecting, we’re vibing.

Matthew:

Now I want to add a layer to that because, I actually, as you said, notice something about someone, give a compliment. There are two things. There’s something that came up for me. There was two scenarios that I imagined. One was a person who was saying that in a relaxed, calm, confident way and the other was someone who really quickly said the compliment. Like if you imagine Steve, any chemistry coming from this scenario, “Hey, how are you? Oh my God, you look so great in that shirt. How are you doing tonight?”

Stephen:

Yes, exactly. There’s no chemistry.

Matthew:

Now, Steve, there is a thing I have noticed over and over again over the years that we’ve been doing this and it doesn’t get mentioned enough when flirting is talked about, because of course we’re talking about flirting as a way to create chemistry, as really, if you want to say, how do you get … you could look at it like this. How do you get someone to call you for a second date? You have to create chemistry.

If you have connection with no chemistry, you may not get the call. In fact, it’s possibly even likely you won’t get the call. If you have chemistry without connection, you’ll still get the call.

Stephen:

Yeah. Yeah.

Matthew:

Right. Chemistry in the beginning could get you through a lot. By the way, chemistry has lots and lots of people going on dates and getting closer and closer and closer that shouldn’t be, that are ultimately going to absolutely destroy each other’s hearts. But-

Stephen:

Lack of connection you’ll suffer later on. Lack of chemistry you’ll suffer early on.

Matthew:

Yes, exactly. That’s a nice way of putting it. Yeah. So if you want a second date, you have to create chemistry. How do you create chemistry? You flirt, and then you get into, okay, what are all the ways that you can flirt? By the way, for anyone who wants to go deeper on flirting, we actually have a free chapter from our program, How To Talk To Men that you can go and download that is specifically on flirting. So if you want a taste of the whole program, How To Talk To Men, via a chapter that literally gives you specific things to say and do to flirt, go to GetTheFreeChapter.com. That’s completely free. You can just go and enjoy that. Here’s what I’ve noticed, Stephen, that doesn’t get talked about enough, pace. Pace is huge. If you look at the pace of flirting, it’s not fast.

If you take what is sexy and speed it up, it’s no longer sexy.

Stephen:

That’s so true.

Matthew:

Have you imagined any sexy situation on fast-forward, it’s no longer sexy. It immediately loses its sex appeal and actually the more it speeds up, the more it goes to comical. So on a date, what I notice universally in people who aren’t good at flirting is that their speed is too high and their speed is too high because of something that’s going on internally. If you imagine when you’re trying to, forget flirting for a moment. If you’re telling a story and you rush the story, the story can easily lose emphasis. But when you ask yourself, why am I rushing through this story right now at this dinner table, it’s because you’re afraid. It’s because you’re afraid that this story isn’t going to land.

You’re afraid that people are going to think it’s too boring. You’re afraid that people aren’t going to listen. You’re afraid that you’re going to look silly as you’re telling it. And so what you do to compensate for all of that is you speed up and by speeding up, you’re kind of saying the indirect message is my story’s not worth your time so I’m just going to rush through it. The great irony of course, is that in rushing through a story, the story loses all of its effect anyway because certain jokes, certain moments in a story need to breathe, need that pregnant pause before the punchline, need people to be able to imagine, need people to be able to invest. The more you rush through it, the more it doesn’t even feel like a story anymore. It just feels like information you’re throwing at somebody.

That’s kind of a lesson for impact. But if you translate that to flirting, the same thing happens. There’s a subtle message we’re telling ourselves and then indirectly communicating to somebody else that I don’t feel comfortable in myself or my own skin. I don’t feel sexy. And so anything that could create tension, I’m not going to allow to breathe long enough to create tension because I don’t believe in my ability to create tension. So I’m going to rush through these moments.

Stephen:

It’s a nervous energy.

Matthew:

Yeah. And you can literally, you can think about it on dates you’ve been on. You can think about it just hypothetically that any time someone is not creating chemistry and not good at flirting, it’s because there’s a, “Hi. How are you?” There’s a, “Oh, you look really great tonight. So what have you been up to?” “Oh, that’s so cool.” Even when they answer your question, even when they’re reacting to what you’re saying, it’s very quick. Before you’ve even finished a sentence, that person is jumping in. “Oh my God. That’s so cool.”

Have you ever been saying something where you’re excited about letting it breathe and you’re telling a story and halfway through a sentence, someone says, “That’s so cool.” “Oh, nice.” “Oh, cool.” And you’re like, “Wait, I’m not even there yet. I haven’t even got through this sentence yet.” And they’re already eager because there’s a pace that they’re trying to go at that’s driven by their uncomfortableness with the situation, their discomfort in the situation. Their insecurity, their awkwardness, their lack of belief in their ability to be sexy. Reverse that now and look at every situation, that tension, real sexual tension occurs. There is a pace, there is a slower more, it’s heightened.

Sometimes we get preoccupied with what you say to create tension and chemistry, but actually it’s more about just observing someone. When you’re telling a story and you can see that someone’s half listening to your story but they’re half observing you, they’re half just looking at you. We’ve all had that look from someone where you feel turned on by the fact that it’s quite clear from someone’s eyes that they are both listening to you and not listening. And the not listening part in any other context would be insulting. But in this context it’s not because you know they’re observing you from a place of admiring how hot they think you are in this moment.

Stephen:

Yeah. Yeah.

Matthew:

They’re going see you talk especially, they can see you talking about something passionately and that’s a great time to do it by the way. When someone’s talking about something passionately or saying something insightful, watching them and listening them, but watching just a little harder for a few seconds, then you’re listening and letting them feel that you’re watching them. And then it’s sometimes that moment where they finished speaking and you laugh a little bit to yourself and look away, it’s that moment where you’re communicating something you just did, did something to me.

 

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Matthew:

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I’ve got something I wanted to give to you before you go. It’s a free chapter on flirting from my bestselling program, How To Talk To Men and it’s just a really great chapter filled with practical advice on how you can flirt. Of course, we talked about the issues of creating connection with someone, but no chemistry. Well, this chapter is all about how to create that chemistry. If you want to download it now, go to GetTheFreeChapter.com and it’s yours absolutely free. Thank you so much. I will see you next week.