Yesterday I put something up on Facebook to get some questions in for what you want me to write about. If you don’t already, be sure to like my page so that you have the chance to respond to this kind of thing when I post it.
The question that I’m going to answer this week is from Christina:
“How about how to work past negative views of your PAST self (be it weight, poor decisions, a “past”…) and see yourself as you are TODAY?”
Here’s what I have to say on the matter:
“We all make mistakes”
“Nobody’s perfect”
“Every failure is a chance to learn”.
We’re constantly fed these cliches whenever we fall down, usually by friends and family as a way of comforting us and helping us move forward from past failures.
But where is the line?
At what point should we stop forgiving ourselves for past failures? Many of us have done bad things; to ourselves, and to others. Things we still feel guilty for today. To a great extent, the things we have done in the past are responsible for us seeing ourselves as ‘low-value’ today.
Some people don’t like themselves because of what they were given from day one: their looks, their intelligence, their body shape. But for many people it comes from having felt like they let themselves down in the past.
I’m familiar with the feeling of having a self-negative view. My own often comes from the feeling of not having achieved enough in a day. I start to feel angry at myself for under-performing. But people can have a low self image for any number of reasons. Maybe they didn’t approach someone they liked and now they feel like a coward. Maybe they made an awful decision that has shaped their entire life in a negative way ever since.
It’s hard; and like most things in life that matter, it’s not easy to overcome. These feelings in many of us are deep rooted.
Then someone comes along and tells you to believe in yourself, or suggests it’s possible to simply wipe away memories of your past. Such a notion feels like an insult at best. I used to talk like that when I first started out. I have since learnt that life isn’t that easy.
So what do we do?
There’s some comfort in knowing that other people have made mistakes worse than our own. Focusing on their failures seems to help. But it’s usually not very long before our own baggage begins to feel heavy again, and in any case, focusing on someone worse than us is a crappy way to feel good.
Here’s what I’ve learnt from my years working with people: The only guaranteed way to have a ‘positive-present-view’ of yourself, is to BUILD it from scratch.
I say ‘build’ because a positive self-view is created the same way trust in a relationship is created – by being built on, one small step at a time. Want a better image of yourself? Do something today that’s slightly more than the YOU of yesterday managed.
You think you’ve been a shitty person in your life until now? Fine. Do something small today that’s the opposite of what a shitty person would do. Do something nice for someone, a small act of generosity. Show a moment of understanding. Prove to yourself that you are better than yesterday.
You’ve been a wimp you’re whole life? Someone who cowers away from risk, or rejection? The antithesis of the hero? Fine. Talk to someone today and tell them they look beautiful. Stick up for someone who’s being verbally bullied in a group. Set an example for someone you know looks up to you. Prove to yourself that you are stronger than yesterday.
You’ve been lazy until now? Avoided responsibility? Down-played your dreams and ambitions to take the comfortable route? Fine. Go set up a call with someone who can help a vision you’ve had for a long time. Run for 10 minutes, clean your apartment, prove to yourself that you are more tenacious than yesterday.
Will you erase all of your negative memories in a day? No. But instead of papering over past experiences with mindless pump-up mantras, you’ll have shown yourself something better: progress. A brief moment where you showed that even if only for 10 minutes, you were the person you wanted to be.
In the interests of full disclosure, even doing that one thing will probably not be easy. But do it you must. In that brief moment that you do do something different to the old you, you’ll like yourself. And we all know what happens when we meet someone we like. We want to spend more time with them.
When you do get to spend a moment with a version of you that you really like, you’re going to want to be around that part of you more. So you’ll find ways to be that person again tomorrow. It becomes a beautiful cycle that starts a new relationship with yourself. Not created – like a false friendship with a person we met the night before and told we loved in a drunken stupor – but built, one day at a time. A brand new relationship with the most important person in your life. YOU.
A thought to leave you with:
The criminal who just got out of jail can’t wipe away all of his crimes. But he has the ability to be better than before, one day at a time. You can too. But please before you start, let yourself out of jail. It’s stopping you from starting, and you’re the only person who’s been keeping yourself there.
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Hi Matt!
Wow! That is a very beautiful article!
I’m impress with the way you write about it because I feel a big connection with what you say! It really helps to read it. Trying to be a better person is not always easy as it seems to and it’s reallly nice of you to express your opinion this way. I really appreciate it! :-)
X
When I first saw you on youtube a little two years ago, I was really blown away not by what you had to say but by your determination and passion. I was wondering what drives you so much. it made me listen..;cute guys like you don’t often put themselves out there in an intelligent way. they either shy or become players or too full of themselves..;You really had the courage to believe in yourself and create the life for yourself for what you had inside you. Today after hovering over your blog for so long , I am finally bothered to write to you to tell you you are an exceptional man. but you know that obvisouly.lol Reading this article, Just made me want to thank you. for the sincereity in your heart. you are not just beautiful on the outside but inside too. I have beat myself a few times but I have learned mistakes are what made me. it’s just I have to let myself out and venture a little bit more into the unknown. I like to plan everything I do, think things through. but i never realise that I wasn’t loving myself enough and your life by doing that too much. your dedication and courage for what you do; who you are; gives me courage to be me and out live my life lol I want to live free from being a bitch ;) and allow myself to fall in love instead of being freaking scared. lol I wish I can take you to dinner one day and yeah I am inviting you on a date ;)
Hey Jane,
Thankyou SO much. This means the world to me, especially from someone who’s been following me for so long. I want to tell you that I’m grateful you took time out of your day to write to me, and I will continue to put myself out there in ways that help people. If you have suggestions for future blogs, let me know!
Love Matthew x
Thanks for the reply. I am not letting you get away with the date, You can’t possibly be that shy.lol but thanks for being a gentleman.
Thanks for asking me for suggestions.I don’t know what to suggest.Your blogs are just as inspiring as they come. the biggest issue for me and you have covered it before I am not sure, is that I live in fear of being happy. I have discovered that after a quick check on myself and past relationships that everytime something good seem to be happenning to me I sabotage it. and for the first time I am openned about it, reading your blog! I tend to choose partners that I found “safe” and don’t sweep me off my feet because I can’t handle being too happy and loosing control of myself. needless to say I rarely date if not at all. Everyone says I have it all going for me, but I choose not to date any guy. I like chatting to them but never let anyone taking me out.. and when someone do approach very close, I scrutinise them like crazy.Analyse everything..;I think this post on your blog answered most of my issue here and I am grateful..So thanks and I will try my best to be at your seminar on the 23TH , 24TH March..;I need more informations about it. I hope I can afford it. Thanks.
Hi! Another Great Article. I keep all the emails I get from you in a file called Dating Help but after this article I’m changing it to Dating/Life Help ;). I ordered your book and can’t wait to get it in April. Your tour doesn’t really come close enough to me, to see you in person. But if you go on another tour I would suggest Charleston, SC, where the women far out number the men. haha! At least it feels like that. Hope your having an excellent day! Thanks again for your infinite wisdom and Awesomeness!! ;)
Thank you very much for your artical. Wonderful words of wisdom. I really like the way you explain things. In the past I have always had my problems with these esoteric people trying to tell me I have to chant my mantras (“I am slim”, “I speak up for myself”).
This approach seemed so hollow to me. Your approach makes much more sense: small steps into the direction of the goal, and I can be rejoice about every step that I take.
Keep the good work!
Thanks for the great article Matthew, it actually couldn’t come at a better time since I’ve been having some terrible ups and downs on this topic. Because of your words I always find a little light at the end of the tunnel, thanks for that :)
x Laura
hey..ur article is really motivating…thanks you!
I always thought we are the only ones who could help us going or getting where we want to be ….As you said, freeing us first is The Start…xx
I have recently learnt that yesterday’s problems are a platform for today’s opportunities. When I look back at my past I really wish I had been wiser and started dating instead of hoping Mr Right would come along at some point. However I now realise that the mistakes in my life as well as achievements have created a better me than I could have imagined I have so much more substance and overall a better packaged and balanced individual.
I think sometimes as ‘older’ single women we are made to feel that we have done something wrong and therefore the universe hasnt ‘supplied’ us with our soul mate. I am glad that I took the time out to nourish my soul and to truly know who I am as an individual before taking on the greater challenge and responsibility of being a wife and a mother.
Thank you Matthew for another insipiring article and website.
Wow. Good comment!
Hi Matthew!
I’ve been following your blog and videos for almost a year now. As a start only for consolation because I felt horrible about being single and never meeting anyone new. But as I look back I built something new by accepting that I needed help in my love life. I’m a slow learner but it’s because I want to do it correctly, let it sink in etc.
I recently gripped my fear of getting close to someone, through what may seem like a mistake but something I learned a lot from. After a break-up 2 years ago I got a new guy friend who represented everything I thought I’d want in a boyfriend, even though I was afraid to act on it and not really attracted enough. What happened was that he became my go-to-guy whenever I had had a disappointing night out with my friends, if only for a hug and a pat on my back.
My “mistake” a couple of weeks ago was that I gave in and went all the way with my friend (who I know has been in love with me from day one) only to realise that my fear had been irrational. Blown up to such proportions and also made me blind to who he really was to me. Whatever exiting non-labeled thing we had, it broke and I found myself wanting more.
Found that I’d been holding myself back all this time because I could just be consoled if I rang him up anytime of the day.
A couple of days later of this I instead contacted someone I had met at a party, only to find the most respectful, gentle guy in a long time. He’d been afraid to ask me out, unsure about social cues and such, but so relieved when I texted him.
We’ve ended up on such great terms, I’ve acctually gone on a couple of dates (I’ve never been on real date-date before), he’s cooked dinner for me, we went to the movies and so on and so on!
I don’t really know where it’s going, but it’s a fresh start. It’s no longer me sitting at home and doing nothing. I made rejection my friend and realised that I’m truly starting to build myself up to who I want to become and what I’m worth in life.
Thank you so much for being such an inspiration for us all. And thank you for believing!
Love from Sweden,
Tess xx
You are amazing! Greater than great article! Thank you, Matthew
P.S. You are gifted
I love you every time you open your mouth. I always did things you wrote in your article. I liked things I did, I enjoyed spedning time with myself. I forgot to think of my old “do something more” I forgot the feeling I got after doing small things that I would be proud of… I’m going to change that now. Thanks Matt. x
Thanks for this article matt.
I love people who inspire me ,they inspire me to inspire others, and that’s what you do .
I like the way you write articles,they take away my mind somewhere else and I love this feeling.
Most of all I love you .
I like the notion of building, it is so simple and true at the same time. Thank you for your advice that I find very practical and helpful in life rather than the theoretical things we all know and don’t apply. Loving yourself is indeed the key. I don’t have the pretension to say that I’m there but I’m working on it. I love myself the most when I am travelling or creative. Discovering and seeing new things is so thrilling for me.
it’s a great article, in fact the best. thank you so much :)
This is a really great way to look at things, initially possibly you’ll still be angry with yourself, but as time goes by it’ll be incremental the change, which is really what matters.
Thanks Matt! :) xx
Matt, I was reading this and almost in tears. I think I have been trying to apply the lesson to my life in the last few months/year and it definitely has been a process. My issue has largely been around weight, as I love being a foodie and catching up with friends over dinner/drinks but was not the best about balancing it out and so quickly saw my weight climbing and climbing until one old year’s night – sitting home, on my own, and feeling quite lonely and alone I decided enough was enough and that this was not the person I wanted to be. And so I started to hit the gym more, think about food choices, etc.
Here’s the thing that I think was maybe hard for me to understand and I spent months dealing with as I progressed: I did feel better about hitting the gym and really enjoyed the benefits of going there and after a while, it became routine and something I missed. But once I actually started to drop the weight, I spent a long time feeling even more uncertain of myself that I have ever been in my life! I suddenly did not know who I was anymore, as I had always been the ‘fat chick’ – the one who does not get noticed. It was weird! And that is something I do not think people focus on with change of any sort. Even if it desired and wanted and actively sought out, it it sometimes hard to wrap one’s head around and you might spend quite a bit of time adrift, trying to come to terms with the positive and embrace it.
My solution? I have embraced the change, I decided to make changes at a slightly slower pace so it has been one of being healthy, losing abit, getting comfortable in the new me, and then reassessing whether I was to go a bit further or just stick around at that point for while.
Hi Matt. Thank you so much for the sincerity and passion that you invest into your work and these posts. Your loving intentions and desire to uplift are palpable!
I have a strong streak of perfectionism that has driven me in many positive ways while concurrently making me feel many times that I was falling short in my own eyes (and therefore in what came to me in my life). I’ve come to the awareness that we are each of us fundamentally beautiful, complex, intricate beings. There is an intrinsic goodness that is the core of who we are, our baseline. When we beat up on ourselves, I feel it is our guidance system telling us we are off course in our opinion. (I believe this also holds true when we feel discomforted in our negative assessments of others.)
There is an eternal drive within me to excel and experience the best in life. I feel that’s true of everyone, in their own way. We keep ourselves on such tight leashes sometimes. It’s a deep sigh of relief to let go and just relax into the thought that you are lovable (and enough) right now.
Hey Matt! Great article! I started following you while watching Ready for Love and haven’t looked back. I bought your book and read it in a few days and wanted more information, so I watched all the videos I could find. It still wasn’t enough and I wanted more information, so I am now doing the man myth and my only complaint is I have to wait a month before I can start watching the next set of videos. I just wanted to THANK YOU because you have help me grow and now I approach life/relationships in a way I have never done before! I hope you have a great day!!
Thanks so much for this. It’s just what I needed to hear.
Amazing and Inspiring!!
You are one of a kind Matthew!!