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3 Steps To Become A Great Conversationalist

Today I want to converse with you about conversing.

I want to talk about better ways of giving value in conversation than going in and asking mundane questions.

The story I began this video with has been a beautiful way of starting conversations for me this past week.

(Please excuse the awful American accent. It’s the best I had in me today.)

The way I began is how you can begin conversations this week. Rather than beginning with small talk, jump straight into a story and start talking about theories you have of things.

When someone asks, “how are you?” this is a great time to lead into a story instead of a logical answer to a question.

When I’ve been introduced to a group of people at a party for instance, I’ve been able to go in and say, “Hey guys, you’ve got to settle this for me. Is this normal?…”

The truth is, the world is made up of really sh*tty conversationalists.

When we go into conversation, too many people sit back waiting for the other people they’re with to lead in being a good conversationalist.

Rather than thinking you have to fall back on a generic set of topics and questions, forget all of that.

Instead, apply these three steps…

1) Get out of your head

Don’t be inside your own head thinking too much. You want to be expressing opinions and talking about the things going on around you.

2) Pay attention

Pay attention to what’s happening around you.

–What clothes are people wearing? Is there a pattern to what people are doing? Is it quiet? Is it loud? Is there anything weird happening?

3) Have opinions

Opinions give other people license to talk and are a great way to evoke responses from other people. Have opinions of things going on around you. They also help get people out of their heads.

Question of the day: Can you remember a great way someone started a conversation with you? What did they do/say?


To learn more about conversation and how to steer things forward to a place of building chemistry and attraction with a guy, check out my online home study course The Man Myth.

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103 Replies to “3 Steps To Become A Great Conversationalist”

  • Hi Matthew,

    Loved your video as always! Conversation is key in all relationships. Don’t have any good tips, but I must say I’m looking forward to the “raciest” video you were working on a couple weeks ago :)

    Hope you have a great week!

  • heey matthew,

    Great video tip and incredible, amazing story what you’ve experienced!
    unbelievable that someone just like that has a telephone conversation with his girlfriend, with your mobile hilarious story by the way, I like it.
    I would think: “this is a joke, is there a hidden camera somewhere a famous TV program or something?.
    I would respond: surprising and hilarious at the same time.
    And I would politely ask my phone back from him.

    It’s a good gold tip of you, “the third Conversationalist tips”.
    I’m going to practice and see what the efect to the people I know.
    1 question for your Mattew: Can you make a video about: “how can you keep the right balance with your own dream wish to follow / dream job and relationship at the same time?”.

    greetings from chandrakanthi

      1. heey matthew,

        I appreciate your response, remember; .. “how do you keep the right balance if you follow your dream wish / dream job and relationship at the same time?”. Thank you for making time free to respond to me and that you will remember it, allowing you to find out on this question.
        I wonder what your answer will be to this question!
        have a nice day!

        Remember: “Love is timeless.”

        greetings chandrakanthi

  • Hold up! The guy borrowed your phone and called his girlfriend? And she answered? She didn’t wonder who’s phone he was using? I hardly ever answer numbers I don’t recognize. That is so crazy! And kind of hilarious! Has she called you looking for him?

    I have to push myself to start conversations with strangers. I do it all the time for my job, so on my off time I end up being much more quiet and kind of aloof so this video was very helpful.


  • I really love your videos they are really helpfull even thought I’m single but I learn so many things from you
    Thank you :)

  • Matth..thank you! I have more to say but I am busy right now however I would love to say this… you are helping me to stay positive, especially during my critical moment. Anyway, you are looking a bit tense in this video, am wishing you the best and stay calm. :)

  • Thanx! You look more and more cute in every video. Whatever it is what you’re doing, keep doing it :)
    I remember it was much easier to go into the conversation while had some social lubricant (read: alcohol) in my blood, talking sober is for professionals, I’ve learned.
    I am always fascinated how people can make stories out of nowhere just about the usual stuff what happens and we even had a joke about one of my friends, who was Miss Estonia few years ago. Beautiful Goddess, she was always so excited about everything and therefore we also said to each other: Isn’t it wonderful, the World IS ROUND. Of course we didn’t mean anything bad with that joke, but same time I guess it was a little bit ironic as well.
    It is good to talk to the people if there are amazing things..
    Starting the courses of energy work I sometimes start with some fairy tale or short story as well, it takes people out from their stories and gives some really good advice as well. I just love their reaction, because they expected something very serious to start and then it is all funny instead.
    Sometimes it is easier to come up with something, when I am coming out of comfort zone, that’s why I love traveling. It is good to tell about the stuff what surprises me on the plates of restaurants or what swims in the ocean.
    It IS easy to start a conversation in Tahiti – hey, guys, come to see the shark swimming in the moonlight. No skinny dipping, though ;)

    Thanx again and have wonderful Discernments along the Path!

  • I love your videos Matthew! I’m such a fan of yours already (read your book!) but your videos are entertaining and I learn something from every one of them. This story made me laugh. Btw your American accent was pretty darn good – much better than what I would come up with on a whim if I had to do an English accent I’m sure ha! I think I do pretty well with conversations. I naturally like talking about random things or asking random questions ( such as your juice bar example ) because being typical is boring. Not to say that I haven’t probably had some moments of typical conversation but this is a great reminder of course.
    Thanks for keeping me on my toes! I’ll be seeing you soon!
    Much Love and Support!

  • That’s very funny. . . your reaction :)I would feel that too :) His level of intelligence doesn’t seem as quite the same as yours. His manners, psychologically, point out to the gedo dwelling of his being.

  • Hi math!! thank you for this great video ( as usual)
    to answer your question :
    Yes I’ve met someone in the train ( He was very older than me!!). I didn’t know him I just sit next to him, I was so tired just thinking about some sleep when he asked me : “I see you like to sit next to window to avoid headache!! it happens to me too ” I said eeuh… yes!? and that’s how he kept talking all the way ..I didn’t sleep but I’ve learned a lot from him !

  • This reminds me of improv class. To me it’s very similar to a conversation.
    In improvisation theatre the scene turns out the best when someone just jumps into the story and says (for instance) “What are these llamas doing in the hospital?” In stead of “Hi, my name is..”
    You get to know the characters/people during the scene/conversation anyways.

    Great video :o)

  • Starting conversations is my favorite thing! I feel like it gives me an opportunity to put people at ease. Today I went to the bike shop and told the employees there I was in the market for a mountain bike but wanted to test a road bike in addition just to remind myself why I don’t like them. They took this as a challenge (of course) and spent extra time fitting me to the best bike they had, and we had a very nice afternoon talking about bikes, swimming, and ice cream. As a bonus, they went from looking like tired overworked employees to having a great time.

  • I love this! Never be predictable! Always stimulating!

    (Btw that guy with your phone was TOTALLY weird! Doesnt matter what country your in/from. Thats no excuse! Haha! )

  • Hi Matthew!!

    I have no words to say how relieved I feel reading this article and watching the video.
    I’ve always believed somehow that how you describe it, is a great way of making ends meet in a group of people, …
    The last couple of years I’ve been holding myself back a little bit and went out less because I thought I was the weirdo.. I was disappointed in people and their ways of being ‘shy’, acting intimidated, never asking anything, not being interested or having anything to say, and I got a bit scared they might have thought I drew attention to myself, which I never believed was in an inappropriate way…
    Last week a friend reminded me of my good social skills and story telling, and reading this I feel so much more confident than I have in months… The only thing I missed was the ‘out of my head’ part I guess :-)
    You’re great!!

  • This is great. I hate small talk, so I usually find myself trying to avoid people who come up to me and start boring conversations…not nice, I know, but I reaaaally hate small talk.lol Interesting stories are much better.

  • Wonderful video Matt!! And I complexly agree conversations suck! Me:hey how’s it going? Other: good then awkward silene and the who/what/where questions start ugh I think it’s best if people relax I think especially when they’re interested in someone they (at least i do) get tense and words escape my head any good stories and practice are out lol!

    With that being Said some Of my best conversations have been when I’m relax and not expecting anything in return ??weird?? I think not

    I talk to people all the time it’s part of my job so I’m just so tired of talking sometimes but great practice for when I met the guy

    Thanks Matt! I’m always looking foward towards for your emails!! This one took a while I’m like where’s Matt???!!!

    Always inspiring :-D

  • I am a polite kind of gal, but in this case I would run away from this guy thinking F this. Love your advice as always! looking forward to more :)

    1. I too consider myself a polite kinda gal…but I totally would’ve let him borrow my phone…due for an upgrade had he made off with it. look for positive outlooks in possible negative situations kinda gal..love ya Matty

  • Great video! I’m working on getting to one of your lifestyle retreats soon – from what I’ve researched, it seems like it will be an awesome experience. I’m hoping to get to some core issues there and break through some roadblocks that have been holding me back (well, at least one or two!). By the way – the accent was pretty good – plus you said “dude” at one point in the conversation, which officially makes you an American ;)


  • I let random people borrow my phone all the time. Then again I use a cheap phone, so mine’s easy to replace.

    I’m pretty good at conversation, and I have plenty of crazy stories I like to use to start things up and get a reaction. One of an old friend going home with a stripper to get chased off by her armed boyfriend, and another faking a pregnancy for several months to keep baby daddy, while planning to marry baby daddy’s cousin, all the time never being pregnant. I have plenty of true stories like these for some weird reason.


    I’m pretty good at starting conversations, but I’m also just that bubbly, and not just with sarcasm.

    I love your videos, and I don’t think you should try to do the whole American accent thing. Most ladies I know love foreign accents, so if anything it makes us want to listen to you more. :)

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