Forward this on to anyone you know who is in a relationship and could use a pick me up.
We’ve had so many emails in recently from people asking me to do a few videos for people in relationships.
If you’re seeing a guy or you’re in a relationship right now, I want to share something that can make your relationship even more special.
Today’s tip revolves around arguments…
Arguments are always seen as negative, and people often assume that in the early stages of a relationship arguments are a sign of things coming to an end.
Let’s imagine for a second that you’re with your guy and the two of you start arguing.
Immediately emotion comes in that says, “I need to win this argument”. This might be caused by pride, stubbornness and insecurity, and today I want to make sure that we argue from a more mature place (I’ve been guilty of this wanting to ‘win’ myself, which is why I know the topic so well!).
Remember that there’s a difference between winning in an argument, and winning in a relationship.
I want to make sure that you win in the relationship.
The argument is just a battle; the relationship is the war.
Next time you’re in an argument, there are two words that I want you to remember:
I Understand
Sounds obvious – the key to relationships is understanding. But it’s true. When you get to the head of an argument, showing that you understand someone is THE KEY.
You might not agree with someone’s reaction to a situation, but you can acknowledge where their feelings have come from that have lead to their reaction.
Imagine that you’ve done something that’s caused him to feel jealous and to come over and shout at you. You’re annoyed because you feel like he had no right to start shouting at you.
Now, you can disagree with his reaction to shout at you, but try to understand and acknowledge the feeling that the shouting came from.
When you’re empathetic and understand the feeling, people will very often show that they’re sorry and you’ll diffuse an argument.
I want to make our default response to someone’s anger to try and figure out why someone is feeling a certain way before you retaliate. Going on the attack is where you can do serious damage to a relationship.
You’re a team, you want to help each other, and the easiest way to do that is to show that you understand.
Question of the day
I read an article on the Huffington Post recently that couples that argue once a week stand a better chance of staying together. Do you agree with this? Can arguments be a good thing?
Let me know in the comments below. I read every single one, and I’m going to do my best to reply.
See you soon!
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Want more like this?
In my programme The Man Myth I have a whole module dedicated to the male mind. In it you will learn a better way of dealing with jealousy, the kind of game playing that destroys relationships, and how to ‘pre-frame’ a guy’s behaviour before you even get into a relationship. Click here to learn more.
If were are describing argument as a difference in opinion for a debate then I believe that it should take place in a relationship. I believe that to be true in any relationship. Whether it’s with a partner or a friend. It makes me think about the relationship I have with my sister, she is my best friend and we honestly have an argument if not once a week then every other week and I can say that or relationship is even better because of it. I allow her to express her feelings and thoughts about situation that we may not see eye to eye on or the way we reacted, our behavior wasn’t what we expected or didn’t live up to the standard that we have in our relationship not just as best friends but as sisters. And at the end of our argument/debate we better understand each other and can more forward now know that standards that are required for the relationship. So I think that see the could be a healthy addition to any relationship
Great blog! Debate is healthier whereas argument can be damaging in a romantic relationship, especially so for a new one! It’s all in “the delivery” expressing disagreement but the tones come across as more acceptable & understandable.
My husband and I are separated.
When we argued it would escalate and he would pack his things, and I just wanted to stop it but there was no stopping him.
Who cares about being right when you live alone?
Arguing is inevitable in a relationship, but how you argue, that is the important bit.
Now all I need is SOMEONE to argue with!
Greetings Matthew,
Thanks for all your dating tips and relationship advise. So exciting to learn new ways of being happy in life. Ok, my answer to Matthew’s question of the day. Yes, I agree. If a couple discuss how they really feel on a weekly basis they have a better than average chance of growing together towards whatever goals they choose for the relationship. (Being a happy couple) I like to think it’s important to be respectful and listen as well as be heard, and understood, if that’s arguing fine. My fear says, “Are there men who will listen and be respectful in an argument?” I know it’s my story. Prove me wrong I’m okay with that…show me the men who do this….Yippee.
Yes, the main hurdle I have faced in conflict in relationships is that I am not heard or understood. I will give empathy, understanding and emotional support but not find it reciprocated. I have a feeling this is the more common complaint with women. We give a lot in this way but are not given much back.
What happens is, at certain point you have to assert your needs; you cannot be understanding to the point of tolerating and condoning behaviors or words or attitudes which dont show respect for you. There has to be a way to address when someone has violated or ignored your needs. Too often men don’t try to understand and will invalidate the woman as overly emotional or demanding, despite having their similar emotional expressions validated by the woman previously. I find men as much if not more emotional with women, and they want you to be all sweet and gentle with THEIR feelings but will be dismissive of, uncomfortable with, and/or irritated with a woman’s feelings.
This double standard with men bothers me and I don’t know how to work with it.
I think arguments can be a good thing as long as it leads to a resolution. I’ve been in relationships where there weren’t resolutions so the next argument included all the past arguments. When I get into an argument, I try to stop and think that this is what makes each of us individuals…having our own points of view. I’ve learned that a person’s feelings are never wrong…they are their feelings whether I agree with them are not.
argument is a good thing but it should be in a ligical way like some people are just talking and screaming and they want to proove they’re right even they’re not they don’t give the other one the chance of talking or defending their point of view and this thing is really really bad and if u ahve such a partner for me it’s better to break up
No, I don’t think it’s a good thing. You can say that arguing show that you’re passionate or really care but I honestly think it shows the opposite. If you really care why bother arguing over something small. Let it go. If it’s a big issue then you or your partner should be able voice this issue in a calm and mature manner without it escalating into an argument.
Argument and discussion, fine, but an angry exchange over a violation of standards is much more damaging. I agree with Charlotte August 6th. Men are often more emotional than women and yes, as someonelse pointed out,expect us top be all sweet and gentle. Unfortunately, I confess, I have had to resort to fake tears to get any understanding. That was hard for my pride…and it felt like a sham thing to do in a relationship, which it is. But as someone else asked is it better to be alone?….yeah yeah I know…. better to be on your own than in a destrucive relationship. But there are degrees of difficulty. I think the thing is…Both parties want to resolve a situation…not just one of you.
It depends on the relationship. Some couples can work things out without arguing; for others if they don’t confront each other now and then, resentment just builds up under the surface and causes serious problems later.
Hi Matthew :D
I think having arguments in the start of a relationship is a good Thing because you can talk it out with eachother and than you know eachother better i think ;)
Because if you have later problems it’s harder to talk it out with eachother because you have kids you are married it depends on any situation i think.
But and Maybe work comes within and sometimes you Dont have time to talk it out and in a start of a relationship you can see if it works beteren you and eachother.
It’s better to talk it out first than you never did before.
I see it with my parents now they gonna divorce Maybe but we dont know how i turns out they are on relationtherapt now. But i’m. Gonna stay strong whatever happens.
Thanks Matthew you are the best man in the whole wide world That i could wish for. <3 lovely Greetz Thirza A15 YEAR old girl from the Netherlands ;)
i don’t thing arguments once a week can lead to anything good – however a recognized difference in opinion can…..if both “parties” can recognize the difference on each other’s behalf…. than yeah it can be a good thing……. if they are both open minded
I believe that the term “argument” needs to be better defined here. I personally think a disagreement over a mature issue can lead to a perfectly healthy relationship because it creates room for debate and discussion. You are able to better and more fully understand the other person. When you simply agree with someone all the time about everything, I find it quite boring. It’s nice and all to be with someone that agrees with me, but being with someone that has a differing opinion than myself allows me insight into other cultural views, morals, beliefs, etc. I feel like a more whole person when I am able to have a civilized conversation in which I am truly listening to someone with a differing opinion than me, even if I do not agree with them on those opinions.
I think they can be a good thing if you use to make yourselves stronger as a couple- I just got married 2 months ago and my husband and I have been arguing quite a lot but everytime we argue we say to each other ok so now that we got past this- for next time were going to try to deal with this this and this way.. So if you argue but fix it and try to prevent it I think it’s okay, if you argue and be passive about it I think tht will build up a lot of resentment and it can ruin something good
sometimes its only way to make him see how i feel.its not argument on my side but he turns it into one and says why do u say that so to be honest its the one that is wrong who makes it an argument.trying to get a point across and ends up in argument is just silly .
I think I used to be more careless with arguing with my mate(s) and not choose my battles as wisely. Nowadays, I am way more mature and know it is not really worth it to fight over most things. When I do disagree with something strongly I state that I disagree without getting overly dramatic while keeping my head on straight and I think my guy respects me so much for that.
I’ve learned that one must speak up about issues and many times, they turn into arguments. I think one must pick our battles. I think it is okay to disagree but I’ve learned that if one makes an attempt to listen to the other person, and argue in a civilized manner without screaming or insulting or offending each other, the arguments can actually be good. When I argue with my boyfriend, I think of it as if it were a business meeting. I listen, I voice my opinion, and my focus is to find a solution or at least a happy medium. This has worked much better than back in the day when I all I wanted was to be right and win the arguments. I have more peace now. :)
I think it totally depends on the nature of the arguments. In my last relationship I could never talk to the guy, because every time I voiced an opinion about something, it would start a big conflict that ended in tears. Always my tears, never his. So the Huffington Post’s generalization wasn’t true for me. But then again, I know a guy who argued a lot with his girlfriend in the beginning, but now they barely ever fight. They’ve been together 12 years, and are engaged. So, I think it depends on the people, their willingness to listen, and how much they care about their partner. If you really value someone, you’re willing to stick through the fight and solve problems because you want to make them happy. You want to please them, do better for them, etc.
You really do make a Good Point Here – the words “I understand” can be very powerful as I experienced. It also Helps to Repeat the partner’s Point of view with your own words, no matter whom you’re fighting with.
Nevertheless when it Comes to Arguments in a relationship, my experience was that in the best relationship I had so far, we rarely ever fought. Which is Quite a Strange Thing because we weren’t equal personalities, nor boring, nor afraid of confrontation. We had a close and powerful Connection and a dedicated Team. And although he didn’t turn Out to be the man of my dreams, I Would still wish my Future relationships to be similar in that Point. Now, what do you think? If Not-arguing Comes naturally, is it a Good Thing?
Best wishes ;) Vanessa
I can relate to your comment. I had a great long term relationship with a wonderful man, and similarly, we rarely fought. We were together 7 years. And I am also not afraid of confrontation, neither is he. We remain good friends to this day, 3 years later. The thing I would ask is, if you never fight, is there really enough passion in the relationship to sustain it? I don’t mean knock down drag out screaming matches.. But rather, if you’re passionately in love with someone, then I think it’s healthy to communicate about your issues, as comly as possible, often. I found upon reflection after my breakup, that one of the reasons we never fought was that even if he did something that bothered me, I just wasn’t as in love with him as I had felt at the time. To over simplify, my subconscious mind was just telling me, this relationship is not worth “fighting for”. I also believe that is why we’ve been able to remain good friends. I’m not saying that was the case in your relationship. Everyone is different. But I think if it’s the “one” you will face conflicts, you will not agree on everything. But harboring resentments causes constant bickering and eventually blow out fights! Communicating your concerns in a blameless manner, as they arrise, eliminates the need to fight and makes the tone of the relationship positive. Now, if I could just find the guy mature enough to have a relationship with this level of communication with I’d be set:) ~K
Well i agree entirely with you, i learned to see my partner’s perspective and respect it. But with us this is not enough, even if i understand him the only way to end the argue is: ignore, walk away or just leave it! It’s not the best choices,but at least we don’t escalate to a fight. This topic is very hard!
would like to have more on this , has am in new reaship been following your utube on the dating ,and stuck to what you said it has worked so far. my fears now again get in the way also i don’t want old patterns coming back in . he pulled away for few weeks but is back on the seen has i took step back but told him my concerns at time .then gave him space . so would be good to have like the next step on things. keep grounded . also like to see on dating someone who is widower , has that is what doing , it been 2 years since his wife pass and he carry’s guilt ect how do i support and help but also put my feelings in this to . he on the list for couciling we have talk bits about this. but i dont push it to much either. enjoy your videos btw thank you kez xx