Is there something you’ve been wanting to do but are worried what other people may think of you?
A trip away? A new hairstyle? A new hobby?
In this week’s video, I give you 3 tricks to help you from having other people’s opinions hold you back. Enjoy!
Hey Matt,
Great video! Listen, I’ve recently launched a new business all about personal development. A dear friend criticized me because I haven’t yet got “all of my stuff together” so how on earth were people going to be on board. After watching your video (And all of them are fabulous by the way) I certainly will be diffusing the argument with all of your suggestions. Great stuff.
i care what people think and how he think that I could not make a job and stay here in us by myself,…and my friend thinking i have the intension.. so I focused on the study and career and I begin to drove apart, now he is going to marry sb he knew for 3 month and long term for 8 months and need to get married to get back ! I do not understand, and I am upset for myself for being narrow minded and only mind my own business, I thought he are being with his girl friend and made my peace, but he stopped ask me out after we kissed and confessed he is going to marry her.
well , sometimes i got trapped in one concept and forgot the big picture.
Hi Matt,
I came across one of your videos last week and got hooked on your Youtube channel ever since. It really changed my way of thinking. On the third day I went out to buy your book. There is this one thing I wanted to ask you about. I will probably be criticized for asking this but here goes… I’m in love with a guy I work with. The thing is that he already is in a relationship and from what I can tell he is happy. I don’t want to be that person who comes in and destroys everything but… you know. I just want to know if there is something I can do or say to check if he is interested in me. Is it even possible to get him intrigued when he is seeing someone else?
These are really useful tips! I’ve been using the “agreeing with the attacker” one for a while without realising, I just say “yeah I thought about that too but I just wanted to try”
I used to be self conscious about wearing different clothes “would this be too dressy? Will people think I’m doing it for a guy?” but then I realised other people don’t actually look at you and care that much at all… With most things we’re shy about doing (for example learning a new skill you think is weird or getting a slightly different haircut) other people don’t take much notice or think it’s normal!
Oooh I just remembered a recent situation: I wrote an article in a style I’d never tried before that I knew my mother would not approve of and lo and behold, she didn’t. So I said “it’s just something I wanted to try seeing as I want to improve my journalistic skills and explore every technique. To be honest, I don’t really like articles written in the present tense either but it was a good oppertunity just to try it out”
My fiance and I had 2 children together. We lived in the same city for 4 years, people saw us together all the time. Then he decided that he’s a woman and that ‘she’ needs a new life. He has new lovers now and in Aug 2014 he moved out of state. The kids had to go out of state (different from him) with my mother while I figured out how to support myself and to heal. It’s been months now that I’ve done everything alone but I still get people asking me how my ‘husband’ is doing. I used to cry and then get angry (the whole CRAZY 8 cycle). In Jan 2015 I have a court date to get full custody of the kids (I’m going for full termination of his parental rights but custody is a start). It used to really kill me inside when people asked because I thought that I was somehow a failure- not good enough to be a wife that I turned him into… whatever he is now. But I watched the video (no I didn’t comment!) and then I was at my job as a cashier at a local food store when an old coworker of my ex saw me and said ‘hey you’re Jono’s wife right?’. I smiled and said hi (completely ignoring the comment). That night I was confused because I didn’t feel negative emotions. In fact, I kinda felt proud that people saw me as still happy and balanced. Maybe I’ve handled this ‘divorce’ rather well.
Your video helped me. Step 1: My identity is a great mother, not ‘Jono’s wife’. Step 2: The pain is my ex’s energy, let him hold it. Step 3: His ex-coworker just wanted to say Hi, so I aligned and said Hello back. ^_^
It has been almost a year now that my ex has been transitioning with clothes and prescribed drugs. I saw the man I loved and dedicated my soul to… turn into someone I share no values with. I was very lost and self questioning of my own femininity. It was my endless internet searches for ‘how to understand men’ that eventually got me to your information. By understanding how men think and approach relationships, I was able to discover myself. I’m not dating nor interested at this stage. (My focus is on investing so that I can buy a home for my son and daughter) So I felt compelled to tell you that your information helped me on a human level. Not just picking up skills (though you teach some GREAT ONES!) but deeper than that. You let me see him and his actions with compassion. Nothing short of giving me new life.
I know you have to make money, and keep doing so. But never underestimate the power of the free information you give. He controlled all the money, I literally had $0/month- only internet access. Thank you for giving free content, it helps women who are currently dependent. Please don’t stop, we need you. *hugz*
Well I went to a really cool conference by myself… but I didn’t talk to anyone I didn’t know during the breaks.
Thanks, Matt! I will have to watch again to write down your tips, just like you suggested. I am 39 years old and have been thinking of a career change for more than 10 years but every time I mention it to my father he gets very irritated and I feel intimidated by the whole idea. He may be right in saying that an office job is more stable than a gym teaching or language teaching career, but I won’t know myself unless I try it. But whenever I think about the idea, the first picture that comes to mind is my father’s anger. I know he wants what is best for me and that’s why he gets so angry, but on the other hand I wish I could finbd the freedom within me to experimente with diferente career paths. He also gets angry when I mention moving to another country. He just can’t control himself. He grew up in a militar boarding school, so tender emotions and empathy are not his strongest traits. I wish I wasn’t so scared of his reaction and that he could believe in my ability to create diferente job scenarios for myself. I know he is just scared I will get hurt and that he wants to protect me, but his anger is so irrational and I know it’s stronger than himself. He doesn’t do this to hurt me, just to protect me.
You should see all the sticky notes I have in my life with snippets of your wisdom written down in a hurry so I don’t forget! I write down EVERYTHING!
Hi Matt
Great job keep it up.
Could you do an item on ‘people pleasers’ and how to be more assertive.
When I am dating, I’m a suck up and I hate myself for doing it, but can’t seem to break the habit. My son nailed it the other day, when he said I morph to the person I’m with, which was a bit of a wake up call and made me quite sad that a young boy should notice this, help.
In the end of the video you encouraged us to write about a time in recent past where we cared too much, so here it goes:
At the moment I am working part time in a christian kindergarten and one day during lunch break we discussed science and whether or not we believe the current environmental crisis. Me being a to-be physics student immediately delivered a couple of convincing (or at least I thought they were) lines, only too realise they didn’t get why they were good arguments. I guess as I think back on it now it makes sense: they don’t have the same education in that area as me.
What I learnt from this was that even though people (including myself) don’t share opinions about stuff, they can still have valid points coming from their point of view.
Watching your video, this means the next time a discussion like this one occurs I will try tip #3 and try and understand more of why people think what they do.
Thank you for yet another good video Matthew, and as always – looking forward to the next one!
Love, Mari.
AS you asked to post a comment, well I do it but be lenient, my english is not perfect ahah (I’m french, I hope someday you’ll come in France and do a conference !).
Last year I wanted to try something new and I decided to give maths lessons (I’m a student) so I put an ad on the Internet. When I talked about that with some friends they told me : “Are you really able to give maths lesson ? It will take too much time, you should only think to your exams, are you sure you can do both ? An so on.”
Today I keep doing this, I know that I’m able to do this, I like it, so I was right to not listen to them !
Hi, thanks a lot for the ideas, for being to the point, very knowledgeable, and for basically not serving us a mumbo-jumbo type of advice which will make yours truly run the other way. Have to admit I loved the “9 steps to get a guy” tho ;) re this post, what you’re doing is using mental aikido, taking the others’ energy, re-directing it and avoiding conflict. Maybe you knew it already, but it’s worth a deeper look. Rox
Hi Matt,
Just a quick comment to say that I have decided to go ahead and do something that, in the past, I probably wouldn’t have had the confidence to do. I’ve decided to go and stay in Leeds for two nights at the Hilton hotel by myself. The reason being that a) none of my friends were able to take this break with me and b) I really needed a break from home. I think I will still have a good time exploring the city by myself and making use of the hotel facilities. I am however wanting some advice on how to be a good conversationalist when sitting at the hotel bar by myself. I think I have the confidence to strike up a conversation with the bar staff if they are not too busy but where do I go from there? How do I talk to people without coming across like a complete loner?
Liked this video. Great alternatives to a response v. strongly defending yourself.
Great video! Thank you so much Matt!
I thought of a situation where I cared much about what my friends said, it was last week, someone from our study asked me out and I told them about it and they were like, that ugly guy, you should not go, you should see him when he’s drunk. And I know what they mean but there is something about him that I find very attractive. Nevertheless I decided not to meet him because I care much about what my friends say.
I don’t know if it was the right decision but I think your advice is very helpful and I can use it for many other situations!
Hi, as far as I wanted to share quite recent experience of mine I dreamed about attending boxing classes like always and last month i decided finally to sign up and start doing it. I was insecure about people to find out and express their opinion and it was a problem since it’s not like dancing or meditating neutral- it’s rather a male sport so a believed it would take sth from the feminine me in eyes of others when I actually would like to be more feminine than I am now. So I kind of didn’t tell anything about it and train anyway :)
Hey Matthew!!
I’ve been a huge fan of yours for some time now and every time I watch your videos I never comment. I decided today would be the day I join this community mostly because you motivated me to but also because I want to start this year off by creating instead of waiting.
My culture is very restricting in the sense that there are certain things you cannot do. For example, dating isn’t something that sounds convincing to them because it looks bad if people were to see you with a man hanging out outside. They would start assuming things. The problem is I am a logical person and this culture does not agree to reason these standards they uphold and the people judge extremely quickly. But, I have decided that it is my life and I know what it is I want in my future so I don’t care what these people would have to say. The problem arises when you want to bring your dating life closer to home in which case you can’t.
This has been an issue that I’ve thought a lot about lately and I am still trying to grasp what it is that can solve the puzzle.
Anyways, thank you for doing what you do! I find you to be a great inspiration and whenever I need to feel like I want to learn something just so I can make a new millimeter shift in my life, I come to your blog..
Hope you had a very Happy New Years!
-N.P.
1.Undefined.
2.Defend-not…
3.Realigned;)
“I just don’t care!” The same thing i said when i dyed my hair from dark brown to blonde…well it caused me a lot of trouble and was rejected,abandoned and criticized by many but i never felt more relieved and free after doing that last summer, something i really wanted to try since i was young;) it just really reveals people who are true or are not- it exposes their character, of being religious rather than spiritual.but i still respect their opinion so i colored it black after a month…did it not for them but for those who stick with me in that tough times,so they will not be affected with the conflict ;)but now, i guess i will be dying my hair back again soon.lol in our language we say “wapakels” to express all of the 3;)
1.Undefined.
2.Defend-not…
3.Realigned;)
“I just don’t care!” The same thing i said when i dyed my hair from dark brown to blonde…well it caused me a lot of trouble and was rejected,abandoned and criticized by many but i never felt more relieved and free after doing that last summer, something i really wanted to try since i was young;) it just really reveals people who are true and are not- it exposes their character, of being religious rather than spiritual.but i still respect their opinion so i colored it black after a month…did it not for them but for those who stick with me in that tough times,so they will not be affected with the conflict ;)but now, i guess i will be dying my hair back again soon.lol in our language we say “wapakels” to express all of the 3;)
Wow Matt,
This is really powerful, thank you so much making this video. :-)
I care a little less what people think then I use to but I have changed my college degree three times and this time I’m not telling my family that I had done so, I kind of feel like I can’t commit to anything but I know it’s right for me this time, my family doesn’t support the fact that I am going to college in the first place, they think it’s a big waste of money. Also, I just want to be able to say, this is what I’m doing with my life like it or not, I love it. I don’t really want anyone to have a say, years ago when I was trying to make a go for, things I wanted, people’s opinion brought me down and I walk away from it all, now I’m going for it again and I just don’t want to hear it.
Thank you again for this video, I needed it.