Have you ever been in a one-sided relationship? Where you are always giving more and the other person takes your effort for granted? And looking back, has this pattern always existed?

In today’s new video, I get to the bottom of what’s really going on, and how you can connect to your value and speak your needs. Whether you’re struggling with insecurity or just looking to get out of the never-ending giving rut, this video is for you.

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Matthew Hussey

Today, I want to talk about relationships where you feel you are the one giving so much more than somebody else, where you feel like you are constantly being taken advantage of. And this might not be just a single situation you find yourself in right now. Maybe you feel like that’s been the pattern of your relationships in your life, that somehow you always wind up giving more than the other person and feeling taken advantage of.

That is what we are going to talk about today.

Now, I want to start by helping us understand why this might be happening. What’s really going on here? Let’s run the scenario through.

We find ourselves dating or in a relationship with someone. They are not giving as much as we are. And then we get frustrated.

Maybe they start as internal complaints or hurt. Maybe we voice them to our friends or the people around us. But it becomes much harder to speak them to the person who’s not giving us what we want.

Why is that? Well, we’re afraid that if we rock the boat, we might ruin this thing that we’re really enjoying. We’re afraid we might lose this person if we start asking for too much. Maybe on a deeper level, we feel we’re not worthy of asking for more.

But it becomes extremely difficult to have that conversation that could actually lead to us getting more. So, for a lot of people, they don’t have the conversation at all. And they continue to complain to their friends or to feel internally unhappy while never actually mentioning what their frustrations are.

For other people, they do mention their frustrations, but they come out in either passive-aggressive ways that just create arguments or they come out in fairly weak ways where there’s no real power to the conversation. There’s no boldness to, Hey, I need more from you.  Instead, it’s a kind of—almost like someone coming, like Oliver coming to beg for another bowl of gruel:

Please, sir, can I have some more?

It’s that feeling of, I hope you will give me more, but it’s okay if you don’t. But please, could you give me more? And then we wonder why nothing changes—why someone sort of pays lip service to our frustrations, but then they never actually give us more, and the relationship never changes, and we still feel stuck in it.

And by the way, if you want a very specific way of having this conversation, go ask Matthew AI for a script.

That’s not the subject of this video—to detail exactly how to have these conversations. But if you do want to know how to have these conversations, go to Matthew AI. You can go to AskMH.com and literally ask Matthew AI what to say in this situation when you’re trying to ask for more from someone. 

Before we ever come to the negotiating table of wanting more from a relationship, we have to be connected to our value in the relationship. These things that we’re giving to somebody that are making us feel taken advantage of—what are they? And why are they awesome? Why are they great?

What do you bring to somebody? Even as I’m speaking it right now, you can make a list. What is it you bring to someone? And don’t just make a list like it’s a shopping list—really connect to each thing.

You know, I bring someone an incredible amount of empathy and compassion. I don’t judge them. I see them for who they really are.

I don’t just value them on the things that the world thinks are impressive about this person. I value them on an even deeper level. I really see this person on a level that other people don’t.

I acknowledge who they are in their heart, in their soul. I have an uncommon level of generosity to this person. I have an uncommon level of kindness. I’m an amazing teammate. This person comes to me with a problem, with a challenge—I am there. I rally.

What are the things you bring to this person? Really get connected to them. Because when you get connected to them, that becomes your greatest form of leverage: is that you know your value. You know how special that light you’re shining in someone’s direction is. And you know, you start to feel that, Oh my God, I could be pointing this light in any direction. This light could be going to somebody else. But I’m choosing to give it to you. And if I’m choosing to give it to you, then I better get your light in return on the same level.

So, when you connect to your value and the value you’re providing—all of these wonderful things you bring to somebody—your power comes from that.

You might even start having this little, righteous indignation: How dare they not give me as much as I’m giving them? You know how valuable this thing is I’m giving you? You know how valuable this love, this energy, this intimacy is that I’m giving you?

That’s a good place to start—from feeling that.

That doesn’t mean you go to them angry. It just means you go to them feeling powerful and knowing that your ultimate leverage is that you can walk away if this person can’t bring it in return.

And when you know the value of what you’re bringing, you’re much more prepared to walk away when you’re not getting it in return.

But—and this is a big but—the hard reality of where a lot of people stand right now, a lot of people who are watching this video right now. The hard reality of where you stand, for so many of you, is that there is a deeper level of insecurity that says, I don’t think what I’m bringing to the table is that valuable.

You know, I don’t feel special. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel as good as half the world out there of people who this person I’m dating could have as an option. I don’t feel like the sexiest person in the room.

I don’t feel like the best-looking person in the room. Not even close. I don’t feel like I have those qualities that the world really values or calls attractive. So, I don’t think that all these things I’m giving to someone when I’m over-giving are that valuable.

I just think they’re all I’ve got. So, I just give all of this to somebody and, and then I ask for very little in return because I’m afraid that if I start asking for more, then they’re going to wake up to the fact that I’m not special and that I’m not worth meeting those demands for. And then they’re going to leave.

Now, not all of this happens at a conscious level. A lot of it happens at an unconscious level.

But what’s interesting is that, when we’re coming from this place, we’ve made our value not all the things we give to someone—or not just about all the things we give to someone. We’ve made our value the fact that we give so much and ask so little. It’s like you go, What’s my unique value proposition? You’ll get everything, and I’ll ask for nothing.

But that is a race to the bottom when it comes to having value. And it means, this is the really sad thing, is someone actually stops putting any real value on us because our value doesn’t come at a price.

But how do you get out of this rut when you feel like you’re not a remarkable person, when you feel like you don’t have anything special to give? How do you get out of that trap? Because when you’re in that place, it feels like demanding anything is a problem. You feel ashamed of having any needs.

First, we have to realize that any relationship where we’re not fulfilled because we’re giving and giving and giving and we’re not getting back is one where we’re unhappy and we’ll remain unhappy. It’s also a relationship that’s already broken.

So don’t worry, you can’t break it. If you having a conversation about what you need spells the end of that relationship, you didn’t break it. It was already broken. We were just hiding from the fact that it was broken.

A lot of us, we choose people who don’t have the bandwidth for somebody else, don’t have the capacity to think about somebody else, who just want to take. And in the beginning, we’re so worried about getting that person that we never make a fuss about the fact that it feels uneven. We’re just like, let me just get them. I’ll worry about getting my needs met later. And then we get them.

But we’re in an unhappy situation that’s broken. But as long as we don’t have any needs, we never really reveal the way that it’s broken. And I know so many people watching this video will relate to this.

It was when you started to actually ask for things—when you actually started to advocate for your needs—that was when the relationship fell apart. If you were in a room right now, I’d have you put your hand up and tell me if you related to that. I know so many of you all over the world who are watching this will relate to that.

The moment I started asking for things was the moment the relationship went to pieces. That was the moment they left. That was a relationship that was already broken.

But we hide from the fact that it’s broken by having no needs. It doesn’t mean it’s not broken. 

Recognizing that you are unhappy now and will remain unhappy in a broken situation is a great way to get the confidence to actually go and finally ask for what you want. Regardless of whether you feel good enough to ask for it or not, it kind of becomes irrelevant, doesn’t it? When you admit to yourself, I’m unhappy and I’m going to stay unhappy. You don’t even need self-worth to go and advocate for your needs. Just an honest look at reality.

But here’s the second truth that’s really important. Our value doesn’t just come from what we’re able to give someone. Our value comes from the value we put on that giving.

Whenever we’re comparing ourselves to other people and going, I don’t feel as good as that person. I just don’t feel like I’m, you know, I’m not special. What do I have that somebody else doesn’t? You know, yes, I give a lot to somebody, but anyone could do that. We’re missing a fundamental point. And that is that we decide what our value is. We decide the value to place on ourselves.

So many of us are looking for the world to determine how valuable we are, but according to who—says who? We decide what our value is and then we tell it to the rest of the world.

So when you give to someone, you give, but you also say, I know the value of these things that I’m giving. And if you don’t recognize the value of that, I’m going to take that value and I’m going to take it elsewhere.

We put the value on it. And ironically, when we do that, the value of everything we have to give actually goes up because people don’t value what is free nearly as much as they value things that they have to earn, things they have to invest in. And what you’re saying is, to continue getting my value, you actually have to invest in me.

And people value what they invest in even more.

If confidence, which is a big part of what we’re talking about in this video, is something that you realize is fundamental to your progress in your love life right now, and without it, you’re going to continue to get into situations that are unequal, where people don’t treat you right, and where those situations go on for way too long.

Come with me right now, having watched this video, and take a one-hour free training that I have put together for you called Dating with Results. By the end of this hour together, your confidence will have already shifted in important ways, because I talk about the core principles for going into dating and relationships in a more confident way. I designed this to be a really great foundational program for those of you who are maybe not feeling as confident as you’d like to be. But know that you want to go into dating from now on in a different way than you have in the past.

So go check it out. DatingWithResults.com is the link. It’s completely free, and you can watch it right now.

Thank you for watching this video, and I’ll see you next time.