“Is there anything I can do to rekindle the relationship with my ex?”

It’s one of the biggest questions we have after a breakup.

This week’s video is an example of a conversation you can have that will empower you to either rekindle your relationship with your ex… or get the closure you want so you can move on…

Matthew Hussey:

One of the things that really freaks people out in a breakup is – one of the reasons they’re looking for closure is – is there anything I can still do? I could fix this, I need them back. There’s that element to it.

I think what people need is to be able to sleep at night, and there are productive conversations you can have with someone that will allow you to sleep at night. For example, you saying to the person that’s just broken up with you, very calmly and in a neutral way, “I care about you deeply and I love you deeply and I believe that I’m willing to give to this relationship on a level that is irreplaceable. I know that there are things that you must wish were different about this relationship or you wouldn’t be ending it. I’m prepared to do everything in my power to work on things that I need to work on. If there is anything that genuinely falls into my lap that I need to work on, I am willing to do that work because this relationship matters to me. If you want to make this work and you care about me and love me on the level that I do you, I trust that you’ll give us a shot based on that. But if you genuinely don’t want to fight for this or don’t even want to allow me to fight for this, then you must be right, this must be the wrong relationship. I can’t make you say yes to trying this again but I can tell you what I’m willing to do and what I would love to do to make this work. Other than that, I’ll be moving on unless you tell me otherwise.”

Ashley Hesseltine:

I think that’s totally fair.

Rayna Greenberg:

It sounds confident to me.

Ashley:

Let’s be real here. People break up, they get back together, they get married, they’re together forever. It happens.

Matthew:

Of course it does.

Ashley:

I don’t totally believe once…it’s called a breakup because it’s broken. I own the book, whatever. I just think sometimes people don’t have the tools to express their needs and things like that. A lot of times it is totally over forever, but when you still have a lot of love for somebody and there’s work that could be done, I think that conversation is really important.

Matthew:

What keeps people up at night is the idea that, “What if?” It’s the question mark.

Ashley:

“Could I have done something?”

Rayna:

“Could I have fixed this?”

Matthew:

“What if I could have done something?”

Ashley:

So ask the person, yeah.

Matthew:

“Well listen. You tell me what it is because I’m willing to fight for this and I would love to know. But if you don’t want to fight for us, then I can’t help us.”

Rayna:

But to me that’s a very confident way of saying that. I think people are very afraid to say that. Everybody is. I said to somebody once, “I’ll change everything about myself to be with you for one more minute.” That was somebody I was engaged to. I think, just in general, the way that you phrased it is very confident and there is no shame in saying, “Hey, I want to work on this and work on me. If you really don’t think that’s the case, then I’m fine to walk too.” That sounds like you still hold the power, even though you’re being super vulnerable.

Ashley:

Then, just to tie it back in, I think you walk into that conversation knowing that the person could say there’s nothing you can do.

Matthew:

You have to.

Ashley:

Then you get to sleep at night.

Matthew:

That’s the purpose. The purpose isn’t getting them back. The purpose is sleep.

Ashley:

Is to sleep at night.

Rayna:

Totally, yeah.