I don’t usually talk publicly about my weaker moments.
When you work in the self-help industry, everyone expects you to talk about the positive things in life: success, money, happiness, popularity, beauty, love… Well, I don’t know about you, but my life certainly isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
No-one talks about feeling alone and loneliness enough. Everyone talks about success, money, popularity, beauty, fun…
But what about those moments when we go back to our bedroom, close the door, and feel like no-one in the world understands the struggle we’re going through. We have so much fear of revealing our naked, scared, suffering selves at times that we feel like it’s not valid to talk about our feelings of being alone.
Well, not today.
This may be one of the most personal videos I’ve ever done, but it’s also one of the most important…
Whatever you’re going through right now, I want you to know that someone is listening.
Please leave a comment on the video and share your thoughts with others so that they know someone else is going through the same as them.
Thanks for sharing Matthew , it brought to mind the movie Lost in Translation … That awful feeling after a day of being immersed in other people’s lives (I’m a theatre director) when you go home or back to your hotel And there’s no one to share your thoughts observations or experiences with – the loneliness is resounding and bounces off the walls and leaves me feeling somehow inadequate or incomplete….. And hotel rooms are the loneliest places on the planet!
Thank you so much for doing this video. This video makes me think a lot about peoples tendency to compare suffering. What another person brings to a relationship romantically or not may be quite as dire to them as the issue people believe to cause their loneliness.
I have chased this idea of meeting “the one” because I am lonely. I don’t have many friends and those that I do have in my social network are living very far way which only adds to my desire to spend time with others nearby.
I believe that a large part of the reason I am lonely is that I am disabled. Romantically men tend to be intimidated to know about my Cerebral Palsy and how it impacts my life. I feel like men often make the mistake of believing that my disability is my life. Friendship wise it is hard to make new friends because my transportation network is lacking. If you can’t physically get to the places people are then your choices are limited.
I do really enjoy being alone though as well. In my time alone I write which is hard to do at times when you are with others and not with your thoughts.
I wanted to reach out today and say that there are people out there with disability who feel loneliness and they don’t talk about it. They don’t know how to approach people as a disabled person because they feel that others judge them. As a disabled person myself I can say that dating is hard sometimes, rejections and misunderstandings by people are discouraging.
If you are disabled and or struggling with some personal aspect that you feel is the cause for you to feel lonely remember that to acknowledge the feeling is authentic if that is what you feel.
I’m an open person and everything I do I approach as an authentic and genuine person who is willing to meet and talk to as many people as respond. I haven’t met “the one” yet myself but I know that he is someone who is equally as tireless in his search for me. My downfall is that the searching and not finding aspect is tiresome… Matt, maybe you could do a video on the importance of personal confidence and the search. I think sometimes we forget that the search is fun. Meeting new people is fun.
I have a friend who is able bodied and having issues connecting with people because of lack of personal self confidence. She said that sometimes she forgets her value as a person. I gave her some musical inspiration that for me helps in times when my confidence wanes. I enjoy singing them at the top of my lungs and hearing myself say words of confidence and of joy helps me to embrace that feeling. My friend is a beautiful spirit and I just wish she could celebrate that more. I also wish I could put to words for her how she can celebrate herself even in the face of what I know she sometimes feels.
Thank you again for sharing how you feel with all of us.
Hi Mat,
What a coincidence …I have just told three friends…. separately that I am lonely.
My ex hubby left January 2011 and since then I have missed that wonderful feeling of waking up to some one else and having a hug from someone I love
And , after work , chatting over the day’s events with some one .
I come home to an empty house…..and it would be lovely to come home to a cuddle for a change
Hi Fi,
I’m sorry to hear that. It happened to me as well. The rejection was tough.
But something I recently realized is that I am the master of my own life and my time and my energy and my attention. Especially when I’m single.
I can choose what activities I do. I’m not accountable to any partner right now. I can shop for 4 hours, spend 3 hours picking out what to wear, leave my clothes on the bathroom floor, and floss my teeth for 2 hours if I really wanted to. Not saying I do any of those things, but the door of possibility is kind of wide open now, ya know?
Also, I am discovering things about myself and preferences that I would have never known before. Like, for example. I have dolphins on my comforter. I cannot sleep on them. I have to reverse it and sleep on the plain side. I would not have questioned such a thing if I was sharing my room or if I was a guest in someone’s house. In my own space, I get to decide what to do and I am enjoying all of the comical things about myself, idiosyncrasies I never even knew I had.
Great clip – could absolutely identify with this . Even when I’ve had fantastic dates I’ve come home and felt lonely or just had those typical lonely moments when you want someone to phone or text and know one does – your fantastic Mattew keep on helping us xx
I want to say thank you Matt. I am a music artist that has been afraid to put my message out to the world because I wasn’t sure how people would feel about it and that I would be judged for not being a “hardcore” in the rap industry. I don’t care now. In my music I rap about pain, loneliness, struggle, things that you don’t normally hear in the rap world. I’ve held back for so long and watching this video gave me that reassurance that this IS what I’m meant to do. It’s my calling to let the world know that they are not alone. I am not alone. This loneliness that people feel is real and people shouldn’t feel like that and go through that pain or any pain in general.
I agree along with the point of view that Kid Cudi has about the rap game and I know that my music is that change. I’m not afraid anymore. Im more inspired especially now after watching your video and understanding that I’m not alone in feeling alone.
I posted a song that I personally recorded on my website (www.crizstyl.com) a few days ago. I call it “True Story” I’m not a professional producer or sound engineer but i don’t think it’s that bad of work for a first timer. Hope you check it out. The message is what really matters. I hope that by sharing my story it can help at least one person make it through the rain.
Thank you again Matt
Loneliness is not a killer. Don’t say that. Loneliness can be hard but saying its a killer is extreme. That being said, it’s a real feeling everyone feels from time to time regardless of their situation and all we can do is be appreciative of everyone around us and all the beauty and safety we have. You are right when you say kindness can go a long way. It’s wisdom that is so easy to do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly so that conversations can be started and people can make sense of what they may be feeling.
Actually, there’s increasing evidence that loneliness IS a killer; it depresses immune function, increases risk of certain diseases and reduces life expectancy as much as obesity does, unfortunately; http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/12/isolation-loneliness-and-longevity-study-obesity_n_6855324.html and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/douglas-labier/loneliness-health_b_2574810.html?
It’s also incredibly common; https://letthelovein.com/2014/09/16/feeling-lonely-youre-not-alone/
This is a hugely important video, Matt; while we admire others for their strengths we love them for their vulnerability.
Talking about loneliness is the first step in diminishing the shame we feel around it; as Brene Brown says, shame cannot survive being spoken, and its the shame of feeling lonely that’s often kept me in silence. And I say that as a solitude-loving introvert :)
The only thing I may add to your points is not only to be kind to others, but to be kind to yourself.
Self-compassion, especially as described by Kristen Neff (http://self-compassion.org/) involves self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. It’s the common humanity that, when you’re feeling alone, reminds you that you’re not alone :)
Thank you for your authenticity, Matt. You have the power to positively affect the world far beyond your ostensible role of ‘dating guru’, and it’s beautiful to behold at times like this.
Hi! I think I really need some advice. I am a 22 year old girl who has been suffering from depression since 2013. It all started because of my verbally abusive boyfriend which physically hurt me and raped me because I was too determined to save myself for marriage. I broke up with him when he physically hurted me twice. Also during 2013, My dad was laid off from work so we became riches to rags then we had a family war. I was a top student and president of my organization then my grades started failing and I did not graduate on time which made me hide from all the people I know. I felt too low.
Many guys courted me and I fall easily and end up heartbroken. Some guys just use me for their own satisfaction, some was very gentleman and sweet and a nice guy then after a month you won’t hear anything from them anymore. Some lied and made me their third party.
I tried to study even though I feel so depressed with my life. I really study hard to pass the CPA exam but I failed.
I cannot take the continuous pain anymore so I left my country to work overseas. I thought it will heal me but then it crashed by broken spirit into tinier pieces. I was discriminated by my workmates for my race. My boss physically hit me with ruler and throw paper at me and shouts and humiliates me in the office. I was also asked to dig in the trashcan to find a paperwork. The agent that help me go there judged me for being weak and my cousin that stays there perverted me. I was also courted by old men from different nationalities and some car would stop to ask me to have a ride but I refuse and run home and lock myself in my room.
I had the urge to leave that country because it didn’t gave me healing. It only gave me more wounds. Everyday I was crying on my own but people always perceive me as a hyper happy girl which doesn’t have any problem. They don’t know that I am dying inside.
I went back in my country and I found gentleman guys who said they like me or even really crazy about me. But whenever I opened up myself to share these depression inside me, they left. I tried searching for jobs but I was rejected. I tried studying but lessons cannot be absorbed anymore because I feel like I cannot rise from depression anymore. I lost all my hope in finding someone who will romantically love me despite of my depression. I crave for a hug. For a holding hand who won’t let go. But I am too tired for everything. I am too tired to pretend to be happy. Too tired to be strong. Too tired to feel anything.
I always pray but in almost 3 years of waiting, I haven’t healed yet. Everything that’s happening is a downfall. I cannot handle this life anymore. I was too used to this depression that I forget how to love, how to hope. How to feel. I always pray while crying. And now , my prayers cannot produce anymore tears because I am too tired of having no results since 2013. I feel so valueless. I feel unimportant. Unloved. Unappreciated. I used to be a president and a leader and I always motivate people but I cannot help myself. I wish that someone could help me just as much as I help others who were giving up on their life.
I’m tired of giving. I want to receive my healing.
Please make me feel I am not alone in this.
Try to take this in the right spirit –
You are not going to get better unless you quit men for a while. As I see it. Take ownership of your happiness – No outside person can heal you or can give you the happiness you seek. You can do it.
Take responsibility for your life. You only live once, this life you have now. Get help – consult a therapist, read a book, seek advice.
But just know that no matter how great the teacher, the work will be done by you and success will come only by your own doing. Your own hard work.
Make happiness your full time job. Look into Cognitive Behavior Therapy. My two cents.
Read books on what you seek. Take charge of your desires and propel thembto fruition.
I think loneliness has less to do with being with other people and more to do with how much I am in connection with myself. When I truly love myself and am my own best friend I am never lonely.
I feel more loved at this point in my life, being on my own and taking time to love myself and be with myself. Giving myself the love that I had given others in the past has given me this feeling of strength and courage that I used to look for in relationships, but now I feel it most of the time…
From time to time I feel sad or lonely, but when that happens I look to see where I am not loving myself and then I try to do that. I try to find the words I need in the way that I need them because truly, I am the only one who knows what I need…
Thank you for the reminder…you can be surrounded by thousands of people who love you, but unless you are receiving the love from the most important person who you are always wanting and needing love from you aren’t going to feel it…and that most important person will always be you.
To be totally honest, Matthew, there “appeared” to be elements of depression in your very heartfelt video confession. And you’re right: it IS a very, very important video. Here’s what I sense: I believe you have mixed feelings and mixed experiences regarding solitude. I feel that, in your head, solitude can be a lovely thing and I certainly do cherish my own times of solitude, so I get that. But there is another element there when you speak. You reference a certain emptiness that goes beyond simple solitude, Matthew, and I worry that you may be experiencing clinical depression. ANYWAY, please don’t laugh at the suggestion and discount the message just because I don’t “really” know you. Talk to a professional. Yeah? It will at the very least set your mind at ease on the topic and whether your symptoms are sufficient to warrant looking into. Take care — j
I have been alone for a long time myself and some days are better than others but I thought your honesty was great and your always welcome to come hang out in Grand Rapids, Michigan
Hello, thank you so much for that video! I was just going to unsubscribe to you. I enjoy your topics very much but was finding them a little I don’t know marketable maybe. This topic was Real! Thanks again
I couldn’t agree more. I really appreciate this. Thanks Coach Matt. xx
I really needed to hear that from Puerto Rico. Keep on going don’t matter what negative people think! Be your authentic self!
Thank you for that video.
Um i felt that it ment that everyone is going through almost the same struggle in life as i am. Although i think that everyone as their own oppion in life.
I feel lonely when my friends dont text me back, i feel lonely when i’ve had a bad day an no one understands the pain im going through. I feel lonely because im not comfterible opening up. Because i dont feel the need to share the problem im having that way no one thinks i need help. Because im a very strong independent person
I just came across this video in a lonely and down time, thanks Matt as this did help me. Going through a separation/divorce right now and while it was ther right decision to break up with him since he was verbally and emotionally abusing me, I am feeling alone and uncertain. I have no family here and cant move back home as my daughter is in school here and I dont think I would be able to move her away from him. I work full time, lose 10 hours per week in travel, and now have half the week where I solely care for my child and miss her terribly for the other half of the week. I feel it is a lot to deal with both because of the number of things I have to juggle and because of the emotional aspect. I have been on a couple of dates recently and feel like a fish out of water really. I feel a bit derailed because I’m middle age, questioning how I got here, and feel like I have to start over. Thanks Matt, this video and all the others I have watched have helped me a lot not only in understanding men a little better but also in feeling a bit less lonely. Would love to see you in Australia ;)
Hi Matt,
your videos always seem to come at the right time for me. I also really want to hug you because you look like you need one just as much as me.
After getting dumped just this Monday (with no real explanation) and after spending 2015 dating back to back guys, I’ve been encouraged by those close to me to take a break as they believe “I’m not ready to meet the right person” & need time on my own.
I don’t see time for personal development as a bad thing, but the loneliness is definitely a killer for me.. do you believe that if we really want someone & are actively trying to meet people, that the excuse for not finding success is because you want it to much? That if u stop trying it will happen? – I keep getting told this & I’m not sure I believe it.
Thanks
Hi Sydney, I did read your reply so thank yiu for taking the time to write it for me. But yeah I see what u mean by the desperate vibe, even when u play by Matts rules I’m sure guys can sense this about you no matter how great of an act u put on.
Hi Matt,
I’m glad you made this video because I’m going through a divorce, and the being alone is tough. There are times I just want to cry, so I’ll cry then I encourage myself to get up and do something. I also feel that feeling of emptiness as well, but it comes and goes. Lately I’ve been hearing that feeling lonely is normal. Even C.W. Lewis said he still feels lonely or down times after doing events. I heard this saying and I forgot who said this “Appreciate every storm because afterwards is a beautiful day. If we are always having sunny days then we wouldn’t appreciate them as much as we would with rainy days that come and go.”
I recently came back from a solo trip cross Canada. The loneliest and hardest time I had was going through the Yukon territory. You see, not only did I feel scared and lonely but I also felt guilty for feeling that way. As if someone who has traveled around the world and seen so many majestic things doesn’t have the right to feel lonely, or so I thought. My friends will tell you I have an open personality, and people whom I just met often say “you’re such an extrovert and wish I was more like you bc you have no problems talking to strangers.” What they don’t realize is that it took me a while to get where I am. That means a lot of lonely moments where needed so I could be torn down by the sadness of it all and be rebuilt by the wild and beauty of the outdoors, by the love of others, and by the inescapable and forced on me introspection of it all. I dare say the only emotion we have made acceptable in today’s culture is anger. Anger make us look less weak, it forces us to seek control, and it puts up a front to what you’re really feeling: hurt, disappointment, anxiety or what have you. It took me a while to accept that I really wasn’t angry at things, I felt lonely. And it took me being alone in the Yukon territory to understand the purpose of that loneliness; the healing of it all.
sorry for the long post. got carried away, hahaha.
Dear Matt,
Thank you so much for making and posting these videos. In many of them, I found explanation for things that I previously didn’t understand, in others your words just encouraged me to keep on going and not to lose faith.
I’m going through a break-up right now as well. I got involved in a relationship with a younger man and was very sceptical about it in the beginning. Also, besides the age difference, we live in different countries within the EU.
I never really wanted to get into this relationship. The guy was really sweet, but I just didn’t believe it would work. But he was so persistent… For a few months, he was trying so hard and putting so much effort in it, investing time and money, booking flights and hotels just to be close to me, and trying to convince me that all of the things I was worried about didn’t play a role at all.
Well, he got me that far that I started to believe him. After several months, I agreed to give this relationship a try. In spite of the distance between us, we saw each other regularly, he always made sure to plan everything in advance and everything worked out really well. It was actually too good to be true.
Not too long ago, he broke up with me for no plausible reason. I didn’t expect that at all and he completely caught me off guard. I do understand that he probably got scared at a certain point, scared of our age difference, of all the other experiences and things he would miss out because he wouldn’t have the freedom to do them all if he stayed in the relationship with me…
But still, I’m really having a hard time dealing with this. I’ve been through break-ups before, but this one really knocked me off my feet. This was the first time in a very long time that somebody actually made me believe in something.
Anyway… Thank you so much for your support in everything. All your words, your coaching and work means the world to many women out there, including me. And I just hope you know that and people tell you that often enough.
Glad you talk about lonelyness . Been struggling with it. After been with someone for 7 Years it’s been hard to be alone and to have to start dating all over again special because I’m in my late forties Wish I knew What to do about it. Have any advice how to cope with?
Hey Paula,
I’ve been through the same thing two years ago, I was in a relationship for 8 years. What I learned was how to love myself, and more important learned about myself, things that you don’t have time to do when you are with someone. And after a while I felt so great, it was almost like found someone you love after years, and that person was me. So, keep looking inside of you. You’re beautiful and awesome!