Why You Want Them MORE When They’re “Not Sure” About You . . .

You meet someone, you find them attractive, maybe even go on a date, and you start to become MORE obsessed when they show you less attention, less affection, or when they play hot and cold.

What is going on here?!

In this week’s new video, I reveal the truth about why we fall so hard for people who give us crumbs of attention, and show you a simple mindset shift that will help you find a passionate and loving relationship. 

Transform Your Relationship With Life in 6 Magical Days
Learn More About The Matthew Hussey Retreat . . .


There is a fascinating and strange phenomenon that so many people bring to me over the last 15 years of working with people in their dating lives, and that is that when someone likes them, they feel like they’re avoidant. But when someone is hard to get, they feel anxious and they chase after them. What is this thing that makes them doubt the people that like them and feel certain about wanting the people that are hard to get? It’s interesting, isn’t it? Because when this happens to people, they suddenly go, “I don’t know what attachment style I am, because it seems like I’m both. When someone is running away or when I feel like I’m chasing them, I go into anxious attachment. But when someone turns around to meet me and actually shows that they like me and they want to be there, I go into an avoidance style. So which am I?”

There is a crucial aspect of this phenomenon that once you understand it will not only allow you to have much more awareness about yourself and where it’s coming from, but might just land you in the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had. Before I get into it, don’t forget to like the video, subscribe to the channel and hit the notification bell so that the next time I release a video, you get notified.

Okay, so what is happening here? What is this thing that happens to us when someone’s not sure about us? When we feel like we are chasing them, it feels like there’s nothing we want more in the world than this person. When someone really likes us and wants us, we can find ourselves going, “I’m not sure.” I want you to consider for a moment the fact that when someone is making you chase, all of your energy is focused on whether you can get that person.

You have one singular mission, try to get this person to like me back, and that mission tends to occupy all of our bandwidth. It doesn’t really allow much space to ask whether this person that we’re trying to get is someone we want deep down, whether they are someone who is worth getting. It also, when someone’s running away, when I imagine them literally drifting away or in the distance, we’re not seeing them close enough to see their flaws, to really assess the cracks in their personality or their behavior. We are consumed by the desire to get them. How many people out there have ever had the experience of finally getting someone? Then when that person turns around to meet you, you find that you’re miserable, that that relationship was one of the worst relationships of your life. Yet, when we’re in the getting phase, we’re just focused on trying to get them.

Now the person who turns around to meet us, the person that actually likes us back, the person that in a sense makes it easy, it’s simple: they want to be with us, they want to be around us, they like us, they’ve made it known. We no longer have all of this space taken up by trying to pursue. Instead, we’ve freed up all this bandwidth to be able to just assess the person in front of us and go, “Are they right for me? Do I like them?” We tend to put more focus on the flaws. What’s wrong with it? Our human brain, once it’s figured out a certain situation in life, once we’ve got something, what do we tend to do? We go straight on to, “What’s the next problem? What’s the next thing I have to solve?” So when we have a person in front of us that we like that doesn’t represent any more work, we simply look at them and we start finding flaws.

Now, sometimes we’re right and that person isn’t right for us. Other times, we run the risk of turning away people who could actually make us very happy and create a beautiful relationship with us. At the essence of this is the difference between being a leader and being a follower. When we’re in leader mode, we decide what we want in our lives in a relationship, what we want in a person. We decide what’s important from the point of view of our needs, and then when we find someone who can provide those things, we lean into that. When we meet someone who is elusive and difficult and hard to get, we conclude that this already isn’t meeting one of my core needs, which is the need for my love, my affection, my attention to be reciprocated, so we just turn away from that person. When we’re in follower mode, we haven’t decided what we value, so we are looking for somebody else to tell us what is valuable.

And naturally, when someone is elusive and scarce and hard to get, it’s their way of, whether intentionally or not, creating value around themselves. When we see that and we go, “Oh, I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what’s valuable, if you are running away, if you are hard to get, you must be valuable. I’m going to chase you.” So the follower ends up chasing and we can spend our entire lives in that pattern of chasing people who are elusive and thinking that anyone who actually turns to meet us isn’t valuable, isn’t worth anything. Leaders have decided already what’s valuable to them, and they don’t think it’s less valuable because it’s there in front of them. In fact, it’s the opposite. If the leader is determined that what’s valuable to me is someone who actually wants me back alongside some important other things, then when you find that in a person, you go, “This is it. This is the thing.”

At the crux of this is people not trusting themselves. When we’re a follower, we look to other people to tell us what’s valuable. When we’re a leader, we have decided what’s valuable, and we do that from a place of confidence and self-trust. So the question becomes, how do I get to a place in my life where I actually begin to trust myself? Maybe you’re watching this and going, “Oh, God, my whole life I’ve been taking my cues from everybody else and not actually getting in touch with trusting my own decisions.” If you’re in that place, this is what I do with people when I have my Retreat. I spend six days with people working on their self-confidence, on their internal compass, and their ability to trust themselves and their own decisions so that when they come out of that program, they’re in alignment about what they want in life.

All of a sudden, they’re able to orient their life towards things that actually lead to long-term happiness instead of things that lead to massive pain. I have watched over 15 years of coaching people, the same people running headfirst into pain over and over again. That never changes unless you do the work to break the cycle. So I want to offer you an invitation to break that cycle and finally find peace and happiness. The Retreat is taking place this October. It’s from the 9th to the 15th. It’s going to be in Florida, and it is going to be an extraordinary six days that we spend doing the deep work that is going to allow you to be the happiest you’ve ever been. When you feel happy and in control and self-trusting and self-confident, the results that you are looking for like finding love become natural. They happen organically. But if you don’t do that work, no amount of dating advice is going to make the difference. For all of the information about the Retreat and how to apply, go to MHRetreat.com. Thank you so much for watching. I’ll see you next time.

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3 Replies to “Why You Want Them MORE When They’re “Not Sure” About You . . .”

  • Matthew, I have been following you for a few years now and following your advice. Nothing seems to be working.
    I’ve met a man. We dated for 8 months, then he pulled away telling me he needed to get his head in a better space. Now we aren’t even talking because he wants time and space to work on himself. I miss him so much. Do I give him the time and space he needs and wait or should I move forward with my own life?

  • I follow you and I find a great deal of value in your comments but on this point I think there is a whole other dynamic in a woman’s mind that you are overlooking.

  • Hi matthew.. i decided that im going to enter the dating game after 5 years. Found someone thought we were meant for forever. But he plays hot and cold. After a few weeks he contacts me apparantly still had a girlfriend . I promise i will wait…its 2 years later.every time i make up my mind im going to forget about him. He contacts me. Is he a mind reader. It feels as if he wants to ask me something ..maybe thats wishfkm thinking. I dont have money…he whines complaining about everything. I listen. Then he is gone for 6 to 8 weeks and contacts me again. Like a bad penny .

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