Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone

Stephen Hussey

(Photo: Education Dynamics)

You know you’re in The Maybe Zone when friends repeatedly see you with a guy and ask inquiringly: “Are you guys a couple?”

And your response is to shrug your shoulders and say: “I’m not sure really”, or secretly to yourself, “I’d like to be!”

Within The Maybe Zone there are typically two big traps.

There is the Friend Trap (also dubbed ‘The Friend Zone’, though the term has become controversial), and there is the Friends-With-Benefits Trap (sometimes called the ‘F-buddy’ Zone).

Someone only counts as being in The Maybe Zone if they secretly, or explicitly, desire a relationship with the person in question, but remain frustrated in their efforts.

Let’s explain both of these traps individually and why different kinds of people fall into them.

The Friend Trap

The Friend Trap is an old familiar favourite. It’s commonly seen as something that afflicts men, but 10 years of coaching has taught me that it happens to plenty of women as well.

The Friend Trap is when you like someone, you both get along like best buddies, except…that’s it. Nothing sexual EVER happens. It’s like one endless promise of hope over the horizon, where you think something could possibly-maybe-just happen one day, but every time you feel like you’re getting close they bat off any romantic advances and leave you pining for them when they’re not around.

It’s like being on a perpetual first date that’s going really well but the guy never goes in for the kiss, (even though he would totally score if he did).

It gets frustrating. You can tell he loves being around you and hanging out, hell, he may even hug you now and then like a boyfriend, but he never initiates anything more physical. Is he just incompetent? Shy? That’s possible, but even incompetent shy guys take the hint eventually and can manage to guide their lips toward yours.

What’s more likely is that he does truly enjoy being around you, and possibly does even love your personality to some degree, but he doesn’t have enough deep attraction.

Imagine the following simple formula for attraction:

Deep Attraction = Sexual Chemistry + Connection + Respect

A guy you’re friends with can have all the Connection and Respect in the world for you, but without Sexual Chemistry, he’s not going to be able to feel real attraction for you.

Annoying right? It’s probably a bit annoying for them too. A lot of men and women wish they felt sexual attraction for someone they are great buddies with. It would be an ideal scenario. But neither he, nor you, nor anyone else can force sexual chemistry if someone else just doesn’t feel it.

The onus is on you here to put distance between you so you can finally move on. Especially if you’re waiting around for a guy who actually enjoys the validation of the Friend Trap and stay there on purpose, enjoying your attention but never really making a move.

Screw that. Save your time. Save your emotional energy. Set yourself free and look for someone who reciprocates the love you have to give.

The Friends-With-Benefits Trap

The Friends-With-Benefits Trap happens when you are having sex (or some sexual activity) with a guy, and although you want him to be your boyfriend he never wants to commit.

At first you think he has issues with commitment, but then maybe you realise you’ve seen him with a girlfriend before.

He calls and texts you like you’re his girlfriend sometimes, but he only wants to meet when it’s convenient for him. He never wants a proper date and every time you bring up any relationship conversation he reminds you he’s “just having fun”.

Let’s go back to our formula we just used: Deep Attraction = Sexual Chemistry + Connection + Respect

Now in this case, unlike the Friend Trap, the guy clearly has Sexual Chemistry with you. But somewhere your relationship is lacking in either Connection or Respect.

Some women will be tempted to think that Respect is linked to them having a sexual relationship with him too soon, but that’s not true. Respect isn’t inherently linked to sex, and unless he has a very antiquated and out-dated mentality, he’s not going to judge you for having sex with him outside a relationship. Respect in this scenario is linked to other things. In the Get The Guy book Matt and I used the term ‘Perceived Value’ which might be a better way to think of Connection and Respect in this context.

Perceived Value can be linked to many things.

It can be:

  •   Whether he feels like you care about the same things he does (i.e. family, career, health)
  •  Whether he feels he could picture himself in a relationship with you (i.e. do you have habits that bother him? Or a lifestyle/friends that he wants to be a part of?)
  •   Whether you connect on an intellectual level (yes, men care about this. Everyone with a brain does).
  •   Whether he likes your character
  •   Whether you have the same vision for the future

These are just a few things that will cross someone’s mind (men AND women) when they think about a relationship, and if they doesn’t imagine them happening then he’ll place you in the Friends-With-Benefits Zone. It’s the place where he likes you, he’s attracted to you, but he doesn’t feel enough pull to see something more serious happening in the long-term.

How To Deal With Guys Who Put You In The Maybe Zone

The first thing to remember is that it doesn’t make someone a bad person just because they don’t want a relationship. Much of the issue simply comes down to compatibility.

Likewise, with the Friends Trap, just because he’s not into you physically doesn’t make him a jerk. What does make him a jerk in either circumstance is if he strings you along without ever making his true intentions (or non-intentions) clear.

The trick in handling this situation is twofold:

(1) Don’t be too judgmental in either situation (unless he willingly deceives you and pretends he wants something else). Just recognise it for what it is and spot the signs of a guy not moving anything forward either emotionally or physically.

(2)  Begin to create immediate physical and emotional distance.

Is there a way to get out of these traps and still get into a relationship with the same guy? SOMETIMES.

But here’s the problem. Once someone has a fixed opinion of you, it can be difficult to change it.

In the case of the Friend Trap: The preferred option should always be to put distance between you. You can still be nice to him, but you can also be totally honest and say “I have feelings for you, and need to put some distance between us in order to stay friends”. If he’s really a friend, at this point, he’ll understand.

Or if that seems way too dramatic, just stop putting yourself in any one-on-one scenarios with him altogether. E.g. no sitting at home together watching movies, no more ‘buddy-dates’ where you both go for dinner together and hang out all night. Make it a rule to only see him in the company of others, or not at all.

It will feel hard when you like the guy, but believe me, it’s much easier than wasting a year or longer pining over him when he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you.

Remember, just because one guy isn’t attracted to you, does NOT mean you are unattractive. He’s one guy, there are others. And the longer you pine after one person who isn’t interested, the longer you’re missing out on an amazing guy who would be a model boyfriend if you were only available for him to find you.

Moreover, it’s always your own responsibility to remove yourself from the Friend Trap. Even if he’s clearly loving the attention and enjoys being ‘buddies’ with you: if you’re the one getting hurt emotionally, it’s up to you to notice this and remove yourself from the situation without being bitter. It’s up to you after that to decide if the friendship is really worth keeping.

In the case of the Friends-With-Benefits Trap: You have slightly more chance of winning him over here since at least here you’re beginning with sexual attraction, which is obviously crucial before any kind of romantic relationship can occur.

But here’s the thing.

Once a guy has made up his mind, or told you he doesn’t want to commit at all, it’s always, ALWAYS best to take him totally on his word. Otherwise, even if you end up getting a guy to sleepwalk into a semi-relationship for six months, he can easily turn around and break it off all of a sudden when he freaks out and realizes things have gotten too serious for him.

Your priority and ultimate mindset should always be: “I don’t want to waste time with guys who aren’t already sure they’re crazy about me”. 

You don’t want to convince a guy to want a relationship with you. If he gives you ‘the talk’ where he says how he just wants to be single and have fun, just smile and say “that’s cool”. Then withdraw. Not coldly, not spitefully, but just in a relaxed way. Show him your standards in that moment. You want to withdraw affection in a way that says: “that’s cool. But that’s not what I want. I need someone who wants more commitment right now.”

A guy’s respect and attraction will go up intensely in that moment just for seeing you stick to your standard.

Now go meet other guys and forget about this one. And maybe, just MAYBE, at some point down the line you might both re-connect in another place and time and he’ll wonder why you didn’t ever get together (but again, don’t bank on this happening, it only may happen, but the point is, you do NOT need it to).

If he never calls again, no harm done. You’ve spared your time and your affection for guys who are worth both.

Remember, both the Friend Trap and the Friends-With-Benefits Trap aren’t like your regular trap. You can open your eyes, see the writing on the wall, and walk away at any time.

The Maybe trap can be seductive, but it only exists so long as you choose to remain within it.

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120 Replies to “Why Men Put Women In The ‘Maybe’ Zone”

  • What if u r in the friends with benefits zone and u break it off but he keeps calling and texting even though he said he will respect your decision? An when he is having a midlife crisis he calls you because you are the only person he wants to open up to?
    What do i do now?

  • To me, becoming friends first, being able to openly communicate with each other and trust each is very important in a relationship. I was close friends with a guy for five years when started to become very intimate, but no sex. We took the time to discuss our true feelings & and concerns, and came to the conclusion that we felt, that at that time, our friendship was more important to us & we never wanted to jeopardize what we had. We stayed great friends for the next 15 years. He had one long term relationship and I also had one long term relationship during these 15 years. One day we ran into each other and discovered that each of us had recently broken up with the person we were with. We started dating, within a month we moved in together and had decided that we were going to pick up where we had left off 15 years ago and never let each other go again. We got married five months later & were married for 25 of the most wonderful years of our lives. In all of those years together, we were best friends, we had discussions about the children, how we would spend money, which house to buy etc,. There was never a lack of trust in our relationship. He had time with his friends and his hobbies and so did I with my friends and my own hobbies and together we had a circle of friends that we enjoyed many activities with. Never once did we have an argument, put each other down or try to change each other. (our children used to tell us that they were going to get us on the Oprah Show, because we never had a fight or argument, so we must not be normal parents) We were definitely soul mates & we would still be together today, if the good Lord had not called for him.

  • Right now I kind of am keeping a guy in the friend zone because I don’t have very many friends and don’t want to lose this joy at finally having someone to hang out with and text with. (I have other friends but they all live in different states). I guess I should just make it clear to him that for now a friendship is all I want with him. I am not instantly attracted to him physically or emotionally (we are both very shy and passive), but I could learn to love him if we opened up more and I get to know him better….But in order to not hurt him I should DTR and any changing of my mind that may happen in the future would be an added bonus, not a goal. But it feels wrong to to judge him as not good enough for me romantically when his boringness/passivity about life is the exact same as how I live mine. Maybe that’s why we’re both so lonely, and so hesitant to let go of each other even if we don’t see it going anywhere long term. But I don’t want to lose this friendship… I’m ok if we never even touch each other but I want to respect him as a person and do whatever I can to be a real friend to him.

  • I was friends with benefits with a guy for 5 months, a few wks ago he ended thing as he doesn’t “want a relationship” and felt like he was being too hot and cold with me and that he wasn’t treating me as well as he should. He didn’t know if he just doesn’t want a relationship or if he just doesn’t want one with me. He said he can’t tell. We have great sexual chemistry, we have great attraction and I know he does respect me… so I guess what he thinks is missing is connection.

    Now he is attempting to friendzone me and I don’t know what to do. He drops off books at my house for me to read, but only curtly texts me with specific questions about the books. I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t know what to do. I need HELP guys. HELP! What do I do? Please help!

    1. Friendzoning is actually kind of considerate. He doesn’t want a relationship, but he doesn’t want to just use you for your body. Just let him go. Sleeping with him doesn’t give you some kind of right to him.

      1. He probably likes someone else, or wants fwb right now. Other women can have their turn experiencing him, and other men can have their turn experiencing you.

  • Right now I’m in a friends with benefits zone and we both agreed to be friends with benefits. It was great in the beginning but a few things happened after not seeing each other for a while.I was freaking out for a while because I started liking him which I hid my feelings for him & he started to get a lot closer with me.I thought he liked me which I know he does but he hasn’t said anything at all.We like each other but we haven’t told each other at all.We have amazing sexual chemistry and everything but I don’t want to scare him away if I tell him how I feel about him.We respect each other and he asked me one day to be sexually exclusive with him so what does exclusive really mean??? Are we more than friends with benefits if we’re physically & emotionally attracted to each other.

  • I was just in a friend with benefits zone a couple of months ago and had to pull myself away from him because he was only coming around when it was convienient for him so i had to cut it off cause i wanted so much more.

  • I was casually dating a great guy, we seemed to really hit it off, even introduced our children, which neither of us do lightly. However, he was the first guy I dated after my divorce, I was still recovering and made several mistakes: 1) over-thinking/not being myself completely, not being in the moment, 2) we slept together after a a little over a month and a evening of drinking, 3) A now ex-friend pulled some serious high school drama crap, after which he no longer “felt a spark.” We stayed casual friends, as we both were involved in activities where we see each other and our children are friends who like to do things together. I have since grounded myself, gained back my confidence and even dated other men. Recently we were chatting and I realized I still had feelings and would like to see if it could go anywhere now that I am “myself.” I am just unsure if I should even bother trying…If he “doesn’t feel that spark,” or if it’s possible to reignite it as it was there once before. Also afraid I might fall in old habits with him because I really do care what he thinks.

  • I always seem to be meeting guys who want to immediately put me into one of these two traps. These days, I don’t know, men just aren’t willing to even commit to dating me. I don’t know if it’s that I’m not attractive enough or if it’s because I’ve been single for too long and they can sense the desperation or what it is, but as soon as I sense them trying to put me into one of those traps I get out of there ASAP. Just because I’ve been single for a while and men don’t find me attractive doesn’t mean I have to be a doormat!

  • It started off with drunken kiss and cuddle with my x. He phoned saying he wanted me back but needs time and I said no. Knowing he would change his mind.he put the phone down I rung him Back we had a long chat and he said we are so good together but it so bad together and he was wanting see what happens and he change his mind . I thinking lets be friends with benefits and we are.It was a bit of fun, 3yesrs now it’s to the point I said we sort of in a relationship and he said where do get that idea from we not. I saw him I explained one day I would want a relationship with someone and he didn’t speak for while he try to hold my hand in public I pulled away. We did cuddles up at his home .he seems more trying to do things and email short weekend breaks and funny jokes in text replying to my text too. I am finding it very strange because saying one thing and doing another.I am not sure how to act. I want to be in a relationship with him. But not sure does he mean what he said? I doesn’t want a relationship with me. We argue about it too . I will never say it I want you back?

  • I met a great guy almost 2 months ago on a dating app. We hit it off very well. We went on 4-5 really fun and amazing dates, nothing fancy but we had a good time. One of the most memorable hang out was a whole day hanging out at his place cooking together, eating, card games, and went to see a movie afterward, where he held my hands. And before i went home we had a very long (5-10 mins) passionate kiss goodnight. We have great connections and attractions for each other. Long story short, he said he could see himself with me and doing a lot of things we already planned doing such as traveling and going to local places for the upcoming holidays bc he truly enjoys being around me and that i am a genuine person. But our only difference is when to have sex. Sex is an important part of a relationship to him (dont get me wrong it is for me too), but I dont just want to have sex with anyone i just met, i want to do it only if im serious about that person…also i am still a virgin (and he respects my decision), but he on the other hand wants it much earlier in the relationship (which i also respect). So we called it off mutually and agreed to remain “friends”. But then we had another long steamy makeout session that started from his couch and to his bedroom prior to calling it off. I am starting to like him more and more, but he saids that he likes me too and likes being around me, but he does not have any feelings at this time. He also doesnt want to be in a long term relationship right now bc he’s not sure if he’ll stay here for long or needs to move if there is a better job offer. He also said he doesn’t want to lead me on and then have it not work out later if he moves (he doesnt like long distance relationship). We still text each other, but his response time is longer now than it was before (very fast). And after a week of not responding, he texted me and asked to get some wine, which we did. Both of us just reconnected where we left off and had a great time talking, no awkward moments, and we even looked into events to go together and possibly traveling in the next several months as friends. So at this rate, with the way things are, is he really just being a friend and nothing more? I keep hoping that he will soon start to feel something. :(

  • I was close friends with this guy I liked and he got to know about this. He told me that he likes me but he doesn’t want to commit because he’s scared of love. He was cheated and dumped by his two previous girlfriends. He kept saying that he was addicted and vulnerable to and that he never wanted to lose me. One day, When I went to his place, both of us got drunk and ended up making out. Now, he hates me, never wants to see me and blocked me from contacting him coz thinks I took advantage of him by setting the whole making out scene as trap. I really want him back, coz he was a good friend of mine. What do I do?

  • There’s this guy I took a class with in high school. I recently found him on Facebook like 2 years after high school. I’m 20 now. Anyway I sent him a friend request and he responded like 4 days later. I messages him and he remembered me so we begin to have a normal convo. Then I asked him if we could text and he agreed. So I gave him my number and he texted me like 2 minutes later. We continued to have a normal convo and he asked did I still live in the same area and he suggested me and him should hang out and have some fun, then we stopped talkin because I wanted him to rest since he was traveling. He told me to text him the next day. It was like 12am though so I texted him later that day and he never responded. I texted twice. So I had a friend text him the following Tuesday to see if he responded and he did. So I text him again saying “I’m sorry I wanted us to text. I can delete your number if you want, my mistake.” Then he responded saying no and why would I say that and I told him why and he said he was busy cause he had just got home or whatever from traveling. so I was like alright whatever. I’m getting to the point I promise! Then I asked did he still want to hang out and said if I wanted to and I said yeah I do but after he’s well rested first, you know from traveling. Them he dropped the first sexual hint. So I brushed it off and we started talkin about what we plan to do when we hang out. I suggested watch movies or play games and chooses movies instead and I was like cool. Then he asks where and I said his place. Then he said it would be much better if we get a room instead. So I agreed and then he kept asking was I really sure and I said yeah so then he ignored me again and I double texted so then I was like whatever and he texted back and I said nvm. So I called him out on just wanting to fuck and he said “kinda” and because I have a big ass so he wanted to kinda fuck me. So after that I was questioning him about me being his type or would he date a black girl (I’m black) (he’s Mexican btw) and he kept saying maybe. He also has a gf btw. So then, basically for the past 3 hours we talked about how we were gonna be friends and fuck buddies and how long we were gonna fuck and how and if he wanted to use protection or not. He even asked me to send him a pic of me. He didn’t say body or anything just “you” when I asked “of?” And then he was telling me how he would fuck me anytime and hard and after he said he can’t wait to have me all naked he turns around and says he was jk and messing with me because he has a gf. I’m just like wtf! I’m single and I wanted to. I’m a virgin btw. When I asked about the girl on his profile he said she was his future wife. This was before the sex talk. Cause the first time I called him out on trying to fuck me and he denied it and saying I was getting things confused. He kept dropping sex hints after and when I mentioned losing my virginity to a close friend he says “with me maybe” then that’s when the 3 hour sex stuff started. So then he blocked me on Facebook cause he got scared. I was like wow. Then I threatened to tell his gf and he kept begging and apologizing to me. He said he wanted to hang out but he already had a gf and that’s the problem and he loves her so that’s why he told me he was just kidding. But no one talks about it that long if it was just a joke. Can someone please tell me what this means?????

    1. Yes. He’s a jerk. It’s clear. Stop talking to him. You don’t need this kind of guy do you? I don’t think so.

    2. It means you should get therapy for your horribly low self esteem. Why would you want to lose your virginity to this jerk? Not only does he not give a darn about you in any way but he already has a girlfriend.

  • Hi my name is Liza and I’ve been seeing this guy for over a yr we were living together at one time but we got into a stupid fight and he left and I moved in with my sister I thought it was really over but we still see each other and he tells me he loves me all the time so how can I really know that he does love me no matter what we always get back together.

  • Hi, I just wanted to ask some advice, I’m in an odd situation and I just can’t seem to let go of a guy. We were never really a couple just really flirty friends. We were on and off for about 3 years, we would meet, hold hands, kiss etc. Once he even told me was starting to like me. When I asked if there was a future he told me he was young and wanted to focus on his career but he was happy taking it slow and being friends. We kind of cooled it off and after a month I texted him to say happy birthday he called me the next day asking me if I wanted to go out for dinner, I said yes and we kind of picked up where we left off minus the hand holding and kissing. This went on for about a year where we would meet every single week and he kissed me again. I asked again if there was a future for us and this time he said no because of religious differences (neither of us are even religious.)
    The thing with me and this guy is that neither of us like talking about feelings and I don’t ask unless I really have to. But whenever I do he gets really mean and defensive and so I get angry and then we never end up sorting anything out.
    Last year, was a tough year for him in terms of losing his mum and I thought the best thing to do would be to give him space. During this time he went abroad and invited me to come with him (he said he would pay as I didn’t have enough money) but I couldn’t as I had other commitments. While he was away we ended up sending some inappropriate pictures which I completely regret. When he got back from holiday we met for lunch and he was saying how he wanted to get married in the next 2 years, I never said anything but obviously it was hard for me to hear. (Since he got back from holiday we were still sending each other pictures and arranging to stay together). A few days later he was being rude to me and I made the decision that if we were never going to be together I thought it would be best that we just end everything as it would be hard for me to see him with another woman. He told me that I was overreacting and that we would never be together but we could stay friends. He told me he didn’t like me like that anymore although we never even spoke about when he did like me.
    After a month or so of not speaking I saw on his snapchat that he was away with another girl, they obviously stayed the night together in a hotel and seemed really coupley. I know I shouldn’t have but I texted and asked if they were together to which he didn’t reply. I was getting so frustrated and I sent a few essays getting everything off my chest that he had never allowed me to and then he blocked my number. I even said if he had a gf I would never contact him again because I obviously don’t want to be the girl that’s going after someone else’s bf.
    I just feel so stupid because I think me and this new girl over lapped, and the fact that he blocked me makes it so much harder to get over. Everything was always on his terms and I was always running after him. The minute he would ask to meet I would get ready and go rushing there.
    I’m finding it hard to deal with because I can’t understand how it went bad so quick. We got on so well and were both really attracted to each other so I just don’t understand what was missing and what more he could’ve wanted. I mean, we met all the time. I didn’t even spend as much time with my female friends as I did with him.
    I don’t blame him entirely as I know I should have run the second he started disrespecting me but I do think he led me on slightly, he knew I liked him and I think he just wanted to keep me around as an ego boost. But because I haven’t really been involved with many guys, the fact that we kissed meant a lot to me because I don’t go around kissing everyone or the fact that he asked me to go away with him.
    Whenever we argued and stopped talking it was always me that made the first move and because he kept allowing me back into his life gave me a tiny glimmer of hope. Once he even said that I looked so pretty if he was ever going to marry me it would be that day.
    Obviously, I know I have no choice but to get over him and I’ve even had a really lovely guy interested in me but I can’t stop thinking about whether he ever liked me or if I was always just a big joke to him. Part of me thinks he only ever wanted to see how much action he could get off me.
    I’m just finding it tough to deal with because I know I shouldn’t compare but I can’t understand what this new girl has that I didn’t. He seems to really like her and he’s so nice to her which he never really was to me. Since she’s in the picture, he doesn’t feel the need to stay on good terms with me because now that he has her, me not being around doesn’t make a difference to him.
    I feel like he enjoyed the chase but he wasn’t prepared for it to be any more serious than that and got turned off by the fact that I liked him. He doesn’t ‘owe’ me anything but I thought that after all these years as a friend he would at least have one civil conversation with me.

  • I am in a friends with benefits scenario. We’ve gone out a few times and I thought everything was going great until he started to ghost me. I’ve known the guy for years and we have a completely open dialogue so I asked him what was up. I am not interested in being in a relationship but that I was starting to develop feelings for him.

    In response he told me that that while he very much enjoyed our time together, that he was afraid of what the future would bring and that I deserved better. He also threw in that he couldn’t do the kid thing. Which broke my heart because he knew all along that I have two amazing children.

    In response, I completely respect him for his honesty and told him that I would always be there as a friend.

    This occurred several weeks ago and he contacts me in one way or another almost daily. The conversation frequently turns sexual and I fall trap once again to feeling for him. I respect myself much more than this but I do not understand why I feel so connected to him. I have never felt so comfortable with another man before, it feels so natural.

    Do I cut ties completely or tell him how I feel once again and set boundaries by telling him that I won’t have part of the inappropriate chats?

  • Hi can you help me cause I am really confused I was going out with my ex for 8 months and on a Tuesday he said that he wants to split up with me so he did.
    Then on valentines day he wanted me to come over his cause he said that he wanted to see me. So I went over his that day. When I meet him on that same day he was talking to me then he started to cuddle me a lot and saying that he missed me. Then we went to get a pizza and he started to show off a bit. Then when we got to his we sat down on the sofa and he was even cuddling me then whilst we was watching a film. Then he started to kiss me on the neck then the shoulder and said that he still loves me so we sat there for a while then went to bed. We slept in the same bed and then had sex. After that he was cuddling me and kissing me again. Then he said I love it when your body is pressed up against mine. Then he started talking to me for quite a bit like what he’s been doing when I haven’t been there. Then he said the only reason He split up with me is because He’s had a lot of shit going on like getting sanctioned and not being on time with his courses like getting up late. Then in the morning he was still fine with me even when we got on the bus his mates were with us and he seemed like he still wanted to cuddle me cause he kept grabbing my legs not hard but gently and then he kept leaning on me like he was pretending that he was just messing about. Then when we were about to get off of the bus he cuddled me and said right I’ll see you later then mate then when we got off the bus he said I’ll see you later darling

  • Hello! Can you give advice on that awkward 2+ week texting relationship that stemmed from tinder(ugh!)? He seems very interested- txts me a lot & called 1x, mentioned getting together but no plans have been made. Ive used some of Matthew’s txting tips so he’s aware Im looking for more than a hook up situation. We’re friends on social media so I know there’s no gf.He’s seems like a busy, active guy and I have a life as well.. but I feel like we would hit it off in person and to be honest I get bored of the pen-pal status after 2 weeks. Do I just pull away and see if he notices or do I try to be patient for a bit longer??

  • K says
    I am in love with a man and have been for over 12mths. We see each other every day at work and sometimes twice a day. After 6 mths I told him I have feelings for him over coffee one day. He told me he did not want a relationship at the moment as he has 3 things he wants to concentrate on and feels that if he had a relationship with me he would not be able to give his all and then I would be upset with him. I know what the 3 things are. There is no one else. He just asked me to stay the same, don’t change.
    It was very difficult and a little icey at first and he was upset with my reaction until I pulled myself together and didn’t push him away and told him I did not want to loose his friendship.
    There is certainly chemistry between us and I know he has feelings but until these 3 things settle down he is not going to move foreward with us.
    He also texts me at weekends and I occasionaly get a phone call.
    People around us know he is smitten with me and can not understand why he will not move foreward. They are not privy to his 3 reasons.
    What do I do????

    1. The tough news is that you are friends, colleagues. Put him in the friend zone, so that you can be open for someone in the love zone.

      I was just looking at a house yesterday. The owner recently lost the love of his life. He works out of town and commutes there and back twice a week. Been doing it for 8 years! Because the woman he met lived in my city, he did not. She could not leave that easily, had kids and family, he could. So they built this house together and he traveled to his work for several hours every Sunday and back again every Friday, occasionally Thursday evening. He was in his advanced 40s when they met, not a good time for a career change from a really decent and secure job. But he made it happen anyways.

      One of the things I’ve learned over the years is if a guy WANTS to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. If he doesn’t, it just isn’t. Watch out for the guy who makes it happen. And then let him in. Too often we don’t pay enough attention to the guys who really, genuinely want to make it happen. Let that guy in.

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