When You Should STOP GIVING SO MUCH to a Relationship

I’m in my local coffee shop, minding my own business—my business in this case is ordering an oat milk flat white (just in case we ever go to coffee and you want to know what my order is)—and I get talking to a woman who tells me she’s mad at me.

She knows who I am, she’s a fan, she even said my program worked for her, and yet she told me she was mad at me.

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So I was in a coffee shop the other day, and someone comes over and says, “Matthew, at my table is a huge fan of yours. She’s got your programs. Will you please come over and say hi?”

So I come over to their table, I say hi and this person says, “Thank you so much. I got your Attraction to Commitment program and it absolutely works. What you do works.” She said, “But if I’m honest, I’m actually a little mad at you.”

And I said, “Why are you mad?”

She said, “Because I feel like I spent so much time trying to bring my best, trying to be my most attractive self to this person, that I feel like I kind of lost myself and just ended up giving too much to the relationship.”

When I heard that, at first I was confused. Because I spent so much of this program that she was referring to saying things like this:

Remaining a challenge is about maintaining the other important parts of your life. And I want you to think about what those things are. Those things that make you, you. They’re very, very important because when someone meets you, that’s the shit that they get attracted to in the first place, is the rounded multi-dimensional person that you are.

But I understand. There is a kind of selective hearing that happens when we really like someone, when we’re really into someone, our mind goes to, “How do I keep them? How do I impress them? How do I be my most attractive self to this person?” And of course I do tell people that in my programs, here’s how to bring your best to the table.

And I will always stand by that, by the way. I can never relate to people in my comment section online when someone says, “Well, why do you need to do all of this for a person? Why do you need to go out of your way to be your most attractive self? Why can’t you just be who you are?” And I always think, why are the two mutually exclusive? Why can’t you be who you are, but also focus on bringing your best to a relationship?

I want to do that. I want to be irreplaceable in my life. And in every one of my relationships, I want to bring so much value to that relationship, that it’s obvious to someone why they would want to continue that relationship with me, whether it’s in business, in my love life, in my friendships, my family.

I’m all about bringing value. But the selective hearing that happens sometimes when someone listens to one of my programs is that they hear all the parts that they can do to be impressive, but they forget about the parts or they ignore the parts where I say, “By the way, pay very close attention to whether this person is bringing you the same amount of value.”

Mutual investment, and I’ve been saying this for years now, you don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them. You invest in them based on how much they invest in you.

Pay very close attention to whether they are investing the same amount of time and energy in you. Because although I talk about being irreplaceable, although I talk about everything you should put in, that energy, that time, that value you should put in, should be expensive. It should come at a high cost. And the cost is, I’m willing to give you the world as long as you meet me there. That’s the cost.

And if you ignore the fact that someone isn’t meeting you there, now you’re in trouble. And why does someone ignore the fact that this person isn’t meeting them there? Because they’re blinded by how much they like or love the person. They’re blinded by how impressive or wonderful they think that person is. And they forget that it’s not enough in a relationship to be impressed by the person you’re with. You also have to be impressed by the relationship.

It’s not enough to think they’re great, the relationship itself has to provide you with value, because if you’re with someone who’s massively impressive, but the relationship itself does not bring you value, does not bring you joy, then you’re in a world of suffering and pain, no matter how wonderful the person you’re with is. And your reality isn’t determined by how impressive they are, but how beautiful the ecosystem of the relationship is. That’s what’s going to determine your emotional reality and your emotional reality is going to determine your happiness.

So ask, not just “are they impressive?”, but “is the relationship and what I get from the relationship impressive? Because that’s the only way I’m going to bring all these things that Matthew Hussey says to bring to the table to the table.” And if you wake up every morning and ask yourself, “Are my needs being met in this relationship?” and the answer is no too many days or weeks or months in a row, you know something has to change. If you want to continue this journey with me, I actually am giving you today a free module from the Attraction to Commitment program that this amazing woman was talking about. So you can go and watch that for free. You just need to put your email address in, sign up to the mailing list and you could be watching that entire training. All right, check it out. It’s this link, and I’ll see you there.

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11 Replies to “When You Should STOP GIVING SO MUCH to a Relationship”

  • Hello Matthew G ❤️ . Thanks so much for everything and being special man to be with . Actual investment is a real relationship with the partner and when the specific one is with you rest automatically follows be it’s financial , cultural , social . Believe in their best self and remind the one of their best self .Love and Respect is the basis that should not be restricted to “honeymoon phase “only else relation is fake.Communication is a key where one can convey their weakness and flaws and it’s accepted with respect too as other is a human being also.Accepting the past and giving the partner a territory to grow is irreplaceable . Honouring the values for what the partner stands for and fulfill the desires and needs by sexual intimacy.That togetherness binds more on a level above all .
    When the partner feels safe , comfortable where both don’t have to define themselves to each other and they are understood is Commitment .The first person who comes to mind that gives happiness is the “ONE”.All the thanks once again and genuine care and concern your way ❤️.I’m counting your happiness that is adding each moment through blessings and wishes . Waiting for your reply ans response .
    Loyalty and Trust Forever
    Ratinder (Ritu)

  • Always grate advice and listening to you,every time i find something usufull.” İ’m willing to give you a world as long as you wonna meet me there”.
    Sometimes i’m forgetting this things and then overthinking is coming to the table. Thank you Matthew ❤

  • I came to know about you through YouTube suggestions of videos and before I watched your videos I had watched similar videos, but there was something in the way you say what you say that it is both funny and meaningful. You speak with a clarity of mind that is admirable and your personality is endearing. So I looked you up on Instagram, just going through the videos on your feed, I saw the video of your family on Christmas, how you were telling your mom that kitchens get messy when people cook, to me it just made you more fascinating, it was then I decided to follow you. You are just adorable being you, don’t stop being yourself. I admire the strength and courage of people who follow through with their relationships, however I prefer to be single and not have any cares about what someone is doing or what they are not doing. If I get into a relationship I might become another Othello, so I prefer to stay out of it.

    You are good at what you do, and in one of your videos you mentioned that someone asked you what qualified you to do what you do? If I were to answer that question on your behalf I would say talent and the people, if you have talent and the people also through their warm reaction of acceptance say you have talent, then you are qualified, Andrea Bocceli said about his son: anyone can say they can sing, but it is the people’s reaction that will determine who can sing and who can’t. You and your brother are doing a great job!

  • Thank you Matthew for this reminder. I’m currently going through a breakup and sometimes I get confused by how much I still love the person. In reality, the relationship was not meeting my needs. Thank you for the reminder that the quality of the relationship is so incredibly important!

  • Hi Matthew, I remember that you telling us during a live session with us your private members, that it should be about mutual investment, not investing in someone cos you like them, invest in someone who invest as much as you in you. Yes, its important we keep doing things that makes us, as a person, having our own personal things to do, it nurtures our soul, our heart, and our mind it keeps us happy, balanced and healthy. If we do give up on something, that it is something we chosen not to do anymore, not to please the other person. Another great video Matthew :)x

  • Hi Matthew, thank you very much! Your programs worked for me, most of all to work on my insecurities, to be my best self for me, to be happy as one, as a single person. So selective hearing wasn’t my problem. Even though your programs are about attraction and relationships, you pay a lot of attention to our own independent happiness. I’m very grateful for it.
    After I became happy as one, my love life got fixed in no time as well.
    Perhaps, I was able to hear this side of your programs, because it was not the only source of information I used. I was also following Alain de Botton, which helped me from a bit of a philosophical side :)
    Thank you! And good luck with everything you do!

  • Hi.Matthew. lesen i truly hew good la9f widaot nowing wat truli thinks mind bat this is meibi,samtaems end best ,bik9z you get hert als you kent wat think mind end you hew not dat bat fore exzampel jest respekt from laif in family ,man ,frends ,……Bat i so litel i hew chrai to faind definishen of World Love end meny not hew ansfer to dat, bik9z evrything meik Love of this thinks widaut exspleneishen from religions, bikoz in religious is very klir ansfer .i hops dat you hew to sey samthing for mi ?…FRINDELIK MELISA

  • Me and Ezekiel have been dating for more than a year,the problem is he is always shutting me out whenever I go silent on him (not because am,but I want to see if he cares)he call only ones in while,he is only desperate to see me when he wants sex,I think am crazy that am still with him av seen allot of red flags and am still in with him,he never seems to care and when ever we talk about he’s always sorry but never change,av broken up with him twice he begs that he’ll change,he said I should be patient I don’t know what to do right now I love him

  • Hey there British fellow. Although, I 100% agree with you that at the beginning of a relationship, one should invest in people that invest back. This mindset needs to grow when entering a marriage. In a marriage both parties are heavily invested. Not only do they share finances, everything is shared. Happy and bad times are shared. If say, you as a husband keep taking track on this quid pro quo exchange. That is not going to work in a marriage. It is not only an extreme amount of pressure to put on your partner, it is also mentally exhausting. Life is messy, in a marriage, you may get a long time where your needs are not met. For example, your wife is pregnant, not only does pregnancy do a number on a woman s body, it also changes the female hormones. It may be two years that you will probably not get some needs met because your wife will be in a place where she is struggling. Pregnancy is not easy on a woman. I understand you are still young and have not had the pleasure of experiencing this part of life yet. Some of your beliefs will need to grow in a marriage if that is something you choose to experience in your future. I really love the fact that you help so many women and in general you seem like a kind man. Keep on being your cheery self. ✌️

  • Totally agree. It’s like speaking a different language.
    Some people just want to get the message across, however others want to do the best they can and sound as close to a a native as possible which takes work and the result is also really impressive to most.
    Both of them ‘are you’ but one is a ‘better you’.

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