Wait Or Create – A Reader’s Approach


I’ve said many, many times before that there are two ways to go about dating: you can wait and hope that Mr. Right falls into your lap one day or you can be proactive in your love life and create the opportunities to meet new men. I find that this Create approach gets a lot of pushback from women. They don’t want to seem like they are chasing or they are convinced that men like to be the hunter and that they are only allowed to be the prey. My challenge has been trying to illustrate to women how they can create the opportunity and still make a man chase them.

This comment was left on a blog post on our site entitled “Where To Go TO Find Good Men”  by a reader named Lulu. She used the techniques from GetTheGuy to not only get her guy but to weed out the ones not worth devoting time to. Here is her story:

“Ok so I wasn’t planning on sharing but here goes. I met a guy when I was out hiking. I was not really interested in the beginning, but he was… very. He walked with me down the trail and chatted me up. I sarcastically teased him about his beliefs and told him to buzz off many times. On the way back, I went to my buss but found that he had asked the guy next to him to take another seat and brought my things next to him. Started feeling some chemistry. Didn’t give him my number. He messaged me on fb and I didn’t respond. A month later, I went hiking. Found him there. He stalled until we got to the cafe an hour later to get food and snacks and came up behind me unaware, put his hand on mine and whispered in my ear – oooh you’ll pay. I decided I liked him but knew he was a player. We had this chemistry thing going but it never progressed. Perfect story on being chased but not perfect outcome.

The guy I am with now I will be soon engaged to. I met him at work. I was a coordinator and he was a volunteer. We knew each other formally in meetings for more than a year but never chatted until he messaged me one day from Iran (works as a telecom engineer and was setting up the elections platform there) to test if he can hack into facebook. Turned out he could. We chatted rarely and one day we started sharing music without talking. Did it twice or more, then we talked … for hours almost daily. He would have been super comfortable to stay friends on facebook but after more than 2 months of talking daily I stopped logging on for more than 5 days. I logged back on and told him I won’t be on often. He said something about too bad I will miss you. I said your choice if you would like to but phones still exist. He called that day. We talked for 3 hours and then subsequently talked for a few weeks. I invited him 10 minutes before my birthday and he was one of the first to come. I then invited him twice again to things we both like doing and he came both times. He invited me to his friend’s farm and we were together. Still are. Till today, he often smiles sheepishly and says that the greatest blessing was that I’d invited him those few times. He has walked to my house for more than an hour to see me for less than 20 minutes because he couldn’t find a cab. He has helped me with my goals and been firm and no nonsense when I needed it and supported me in ways I never thought were possible….

So I don’t know about the let the man chase you rule….. I just know that when you feel desperate or awkward or ashamed that you are extending an invite it shows. I guess my rule is, if you deep down know that if you didn’t ask him out, he would never do anything or if you gave him a small push, he wouldn’t take a leap, then he’s just not for you. Otherwise, I don’t know girl, wanna chase a guy? I’m sure you can…. Knock yourself out ;). Just wanted to share.”


Powerful stuff, right?  Lulu chose the guy, created the moment, and still made him chase her! And she did it all without having to feel embarrassed or out of her comfort zone. Tell me in the comments below what you think of her story.

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21 Replies to “Wait Or Create – A Reader’s Approach”

  • Hey there,
    I read some of the stories left on the blog post but not this one – I’m really glad that you posted it “again”, Matthew.
    I love the fact that she showed how a girl can create the moment (she suggested calling her or invited him.. he accepted and did it) and it worked out! So, if he hadn’t done it, it would have been obvious that he’s just not really interested… Therefore it would be useless e.g. to invite him again.. wouldn’t it? I think that’s the point we really have to realize. If a guy (or a woman, I think it’s the same for both) takes action, he’s interested.

    Sorry for the mistakes, I’m not an english native speaker,
    greetings from Germany! Your blogs and videos are great, keep up the good work :)

  • Okay, well, this is all beautiful, but how do you actually create a situation for a guy to chase you in the real world? Leave alone dropping the handkerchief :)

  • I found myself very confused with this post. I don’t know if the person just isn’t skilled in communication but I had no idea what was going on. Who is this first guy? Why would she mention him if he is a player. How is that relevant? Or is this 2 people with 2 stories? Very confusing

  • i think sometimes guys can be very very insecure,just like us.and sometimes you have to be very obvious,other whise,they wont take a hint,hahahaha.a lot of time,when i give hint,nothing happend.but when i see something there and nothing happens. im gonna say in a playfull way: hai,i like you,if you like me,we can go and do something,then i see results.men are hunters,yes but i know a lot of them are scared,specialy if you are beautiful woman.women should take a little bit of action to get what they want.i am very honest person and very femine.if im not asking,or do something,just giving hints,then it means im not interested.

  • I applaud the fact that Lulu did not just sit around and had the courage to take proactive steps. It looks like she followed the foot-in-the-door tactic. I feel like I’ve tried taking proactive steps in the past but whenever I do, I am unsuccessful or I find out the guy has a girlfriend or is married! Tell me if I’m wrong, but the majority of men don’t put in as much effort as Lulus’ guy did. It wasn’t clear to me, but is the guy Persian? I think culture may have also played a factor in how things turned out.

    1. Good point! I like the Persian/Arab courtship game… What a pity they do not match my culture!
      Btw, I also think that Lulu’s engineer did a lot of chasing without Lulu’s encouragement n Lulu didn’t really pursue him.

  • Notice: I am listening to “Jump Around” by House of Pain, while writing this so bear with me ;)
    What a great idea Matt, thanks for sharing Lulu’s story (although I have grown a recent interest in reading most of the comments recently).
    Following the comments to this post, this is what I have to add:
    The message is clear; you understand who is who, as well as, the nuance between the two stories. The second guy is the most interesting part (the first one demonstrates well what it is like to leave it up to him to chase fully!) Yes, she called him a player etc…. but let’s be honest for a sec, he wasn’t “interested” enough. Venons en au second part, if I may, which is the most interesting part of your post Lulu.  It rejoinders well the previous comments of Matts post. To what extend? Simple, you demonstrated two things well: what Matt has been explaining to us all along “you either wait or create”, in other terms, you either sit there or wait for the train to arrive/pass or you know/see the train arriving and buy a ticket. As soon as you see the train, the mood is set, you either buy the ticket or you don’t, as far as, you are interested in taking this ride or not. What I have understood from Matt, he is not asking us to throw ourselves out there screaming “I am ready” or “take me” to eventually land on the rails. Hahaha and secondly, here comes the famous handkerchief… Dropping it means nothing else than “I have my ticket” meaning “yes I am interested in going on board of Your train” or in other terms, giving the guy a green card for – You have a pass / try to impress me moment“ or “You go guy”. Ladies, the train is going to pass, regardless whether you have your ticket or not. You either step on board having your ticket of ‘interest’ or it is just going to pass by. Some call it “une occasion perdue”. It’s like in a club, restaurant, party, event, market place, library, or even walking down the street, etc…; he is there but will be leaving, go on, either on his own or with someone, “on his mind”. Even though, my past few relationships where long lasting but ended, I can relate to Lulus’ story. Congrats on being soon engaged by the way. This is what makes it more awesome that you actually bothered to post your comment. Ok back to the bananas, (I don’t know why I am writing this, blame it on my almost 8 hour’s nonstop of work – I am still being seriously genuine about my post). Might have already lost half of the 20% of the females readers I had so far by now, so I will end it quickly and painless  You are not supposed to throw yourself on to the rails, creating is just showing the guy you like him that you are interested by showing your ticket, which would be most commonly a long direct smile, happily answering his questions etc… The green card ticket means nothing else than “I have noticed you TOO, I like you TOO, I am interested and perceiving the moment”, so either “Go for it” or “keep on going”. Apologies beforehand ladies and Matt, cuz this isn’t a brilliant comment, I am extremely tired; though I try to keep track of your blog almost daily. So let me stress it out while I am at it, you and your team are seriously owning a big thumb up. Chapeau!

  • One of my favorite movies is Some Kind of Wonderful. There’s a scene toward the middle of the story when Lea Thompson is sitting on a stage of an amphitheater talking with her date for the evening. She’d just broken up with her boyfriend – the most popular guy in school – but admitted to staying with him though she knew he wasn’t good for her. One line completely changed the way I’d been thinking about dating and relationships. She said, “I’d rather be with someone for the wrong reason than alone for the right one.” She was so freaked out by the idea of being alone (a teenage girl in high school!!) that she allowed herself to be involved in a destructive relationship. This idea of doing the right things for the right reasons has stayed with me for many years. I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve gone on with how many different guys over the years, but I haven’t met the right fit who also saw me as the right fit. And it’s okay! My experiences have taught me 2 extremely important things about me: first, I love who I am, and I love where I am in life; second, I have a great capacity to love. In the last couple of years, my job has taken over a lot of my free time, but I expected that because of the career change.
    To continue my theme of 2 things, there are 2 other life lessons I learned that are also of great importance: first, never give up hope, and never despair; secondly, choose to be happy every day no matter your circumstances – you can! You are whole all on your own, and your life can be whatever you choose. The power is yours.

    1. Oh, and her story is very similar to my sister’s story and she’s been happily married for almost 13 years. Good approach!

  • Matthew you have a fan right here from India as well :)

    Cant tell you how much I love watching your videos. My life has changed after this; love you loads :)

    Loved this lady’s story as well and well spoken words “deep down if we know he wont do anything till we do something.. we should.. and if he doesnt react after that he is not for you”

    I am very inquisitive to know if you are married or in a relationship.. :)

  • I have a situation and I wonder what you would say about it:

    I am an attractive, friendly, accomplished woman. I’m fun, and playful, and I don’t have too much attracting guys.

    I met a guy on an online dating service.

    I only went out with him 4 times. I let him know that I did not think we were a good fit, and that I did really like him, and would like to be friends. I really mean that. He was agreeable most likely because he thought he still had a chance, perhaps.

    I really like his close friend, and I think he likes me too. However, the first guy and I had a tiny bit of a falling out, primarily because he was behaviing like we were dating. I was clear with him then and now. The falling out occured the day I planned on telling him that I have a thing for his friend. I am not into drama and breaking up friendships, so I would back off it was an issue. I never got to tell him though. We texted briefly about the situation, for which I recieved a half-assed appology.

    I never see the guy I really like. I thought about dressing up on halloween and trick or treating him and explaining to him that I really like him or something close to it. I’m picking up though that this would be too forward of me, from your book. I realize by doing this I’m no allowing him to pursue me. But I cannot figure out a way to let him know that it would be ok to pursue me on my end.

    I NEVER run into this guy, we run in completely different circles. How can I approach him and let him know that I’m interested and his friend was not a match? or am I simply out of luck? What can I do in this situation? I really feel like this guy and I could have a connection. Thoughts anyone? Thanks for any help!

  • I like your youtube videos, and your book get the guy, great advice on taking action, instead of waiting for the universe or God to send me a soul mate, I am now taking action and working the steps Great advice, great book Matthew

  • I doo not even understand hoow I stopped up here, but I thought this put up was good.
    I do not recognise who you’re however certainly
    you’re going tto a famous blogger for those who aren’t already.

  • Hi Matthew, can you talk with your eyes? :) I can. (Steven, stop laughing!) PS One would think you grew up with sisters, as you mention that you grew up surrounded by women. You are not too hot for me :) Guess most women here loose their brain when they see you talking. Good luck with your stuff though, (I like the jokes in videos).

  • I’m interested in a guy I met at salsa class. He seems quite shy around me but very talkative around his friends. He went on holiday to Mexico over the Christmas period and I suggested that we go to coffee when he gets back. It of course involved a flirty reply such as ‘I look forward to it and reliving the adventures’ meaning the coffee and catching up with him about his trip. He is back now. I have to keep stopping myself from initiating the conversation to set a date as he has not. Strangely enough he has been liking my Facebook comments about attending salsa venues. My salsa class is on Monday and I’m hoping he attends but if not I have no idea of how to initiate the conversation again as I don’t have his phone number! Help!

  • wow! I have watched a lot of your videos, but the one on unconditional love was a pretty large pill to swallow.
    I have a lot of growth going on in my life; I am successfully working on myself in a 12 step program. My boyfriend, on the other hand, plays the victim and doesn’t put forth any effort to better his own life. I am stuck for a few reasons; 1. I have been in his shoes and I got out, so I have no room to judge and I have hope he will follow my lead. 2. He is the first man I have been in love with. 3. He doesn’t have much money but he is taking me on a cruise.
    But the reality of the situation is he is stuck in his ways and I am high maintenance. He is too stubborn or too scared of failure to grow. And if I don’t grow everyday then I sell myself short. Our outlooks on life clash… He means well, but he doesn’t treat me the way my innermost self desires. I have no clue what to do. I love him but he wont turn into prince charming by the snap of a finger. And it is gonna take a lot more patience than I believe I am equipped to handle to help him grow by my example. I know that Rome wasn’t built over night but I get dillusional. Any advice would be great… KristinaLdaehn@gmail.com

  • Ok so here is my question for who ever! I work in a bank and there is a customer that comes in a few times a week making business deposits. We always talk and flirt constantly and laugh a whole lot! Nothing inappropriate of course. He always asks about my weekened plans, asking what I did or what I have planned etc. i get the feeling he wants to ask me out but he hasn’t. Call it a gut feeling…

    Recently he asked me if I had plans to see the solar eclipse… I told him I didn’t, my only plan was to work that day… That’s were the conversation ended… though I did ask him what his plans were…

    My question is how do I know if he is interested, and how do I ask him out? I want it to be low key and non aggressive… I thought about slipping a not in with his receipts so it was private but what should it say? I thought I would say something like, “I’m going to xyz comedy club on Sunday you should come.” Or “if you ever want to chat beyond your traditional chatting grounds shoot me a text.” both would include my number.

    I just don’t want things to be ackward if I have miss read his interest because I do enjoy his company, and we are talking about asking someone out in a business setting environment… so I do i remain professional but still ask a guy out?

    Any assistance would be much appreciated… I’m sure I’m not the only one to have been in this kind of situation.

    Cheers, Heather

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