I was recently coaching a woman who was frustrated with the texts she was getting from a guy who she’d met on a dating app.
So we looked at the texts together, and today I’m taking you behind the scenes of what she did right and what I would have changed to get her better results…
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Recently, I was coaching a woman who showed me a text exchange with someone she had met on an app. The exchange went like this. “Hmm, are you just a flirt, or is there more to you?” He said, “Are you just a Debbie Downer or more to you?” She said, “You have to be more than a flirt to find out.” He said, “You’re a lot to deal with.”
Although that guy sounds like kind of a joke and probably not someone she wants the attention of, there is something that she said that I wanted to pick up on. She said, “Hmm, are you just a flirt, or is there more to you?”
Now, the problem I have with that is the intention is good. What she wants to see is if this exchange can become more than a flirtatious or perhaps even a sexual interaction and become a deeper connection. I believe the best way to do that is not to ask, “Is there more to you?” but to show there’s more to you because when you reveal more about yourself, what you’re really saying to someone is, “Here’s me. Can you be that, too?”
I’ll give you an example. Let’s say a guy texted a woman and said, “What are you up to?” Now, she could just give a plain response. “I’m with my family right now. What’s going on with you?” or she could see this very simple question as a way to tell her story and reveal more about herself. He says, “What are you up to?” She says, “I’m building a desk from Ikea with my dad and my sister, and none of us seem to be able to do it. So we’re just rolling around on the floor laughing instead.
Now, when that woman says that, she’s revealing a lot about herself. She’s a family person. She has an adorable, affectionate relationship with those members of her family, in this case, her dad and her sister.
She’s self-deprecating and can laugh at herself in a situation. All of that is telling her story. Now, that does something very subtle. It shows her in three dimensions, and the effect it has is that it invites him to either show himself in three dimensions by getting vulnerable in return and revealing more about his life, or at the very least, it invites him to recognize her in three dimensions, to see her as a more rounded, real human being to invest in.
Now, if at this point, he doesn’t do either of those two things and instead he just says, “So, what are you wearing while you’re making the desk?” he’s showing that he is either completely one-dimensional or that his intentions are completely one-dimensional. You learn more by revealing your own self and your own story than you do by asking someone to reveal theirs because everything is shown in their reaction to you opening up.
If you want more scripts like this, get my program, How to Talk to Men, where I literally give you 59 different scripts that you can use to create more connection, more respect, more intimacy, and more commitment with the guy you like. Check it out at the link below, and I will see you next time.