Why does the end of a passionate short-term romance sometimes feel more devastating than a longer-term relationship?
It’s because short-term romances are like fireworks—explosive and exciting—only to fizzle out soon after. We get addicted to the feeling of intensity they give us, and feel empty when they disappear.
In today’s video, I’ll show you the best way to move on from a short-term romance and stop obsessing over “the person who got away.”
MATTHEW HUSSEY
So, yesterday, I did a session with my Love Life Club members, and there was a particular story that spoke to me that I wanted to share with you. This person had been seeing a guy for two months, and it had been this incredible romance over that time. It started in a difficult place because this person said that they wanted to be alone at this point in their life, but when they started to actually spend some time together, he started to come around and started to say, “I really like you.” They started to have an amazing time together. And in these two months, the attraction, the connection, the chemistry, dare I say, the love, became very, very intense.
At the end of those two months, this person that she had met, who had always planned to go traveling, left to go traveling. And in the process, she had hoped that maybe it would become a long-distance relationship, maybe she could go with him for part of it. But in her mind, there was no way that this incredible thing that had been happening for two months would not go on. This was too good. We have something too special here. And after all of the things that he had said and the ways that he had shown up, the way that he’d been vulnerable over those two months, the ways he’d opened up—after everything he had done, she assumed that he must feel the same way.
Instead, what happened at the end of those two months was that he said, “I’m going to go traveling.” And he said to her very soon afterward, “I’ve realized I really do want to be on my own.”
And the state that she was talking to me in was one of being truly devastated. As I was talking to her, she was extremely upset and teary. And talking from that place that we all talk from in that moment, which is one of complete confusion and bewilderment that someone who’s been having the same experience we have, or at least, we feel like they’ve been having the same experience we have, could not want to see where that goes, could not want to carry that on. How, after everything we’ve just done, all the ways we’ve connected emotionally? How, after how great this has been—how much you see me and I see you, and all of these wonderful moments of connection we’ve had, the spark that we both haven’t felt in a very long time? How could you give this up?
Anyone who’s been through a situation like this knows that heartbreak is very, very specific to the person it’s happening to. I did an interview recently with the number one expert in the world on grief, David Kessler. And when I sat with him, he told me every broken heart is that person’s broken heart. It’s not a broken mind. If it were a broken mind, then we could start comparing logically to someone else’s breakup: “Well, I’ve been having this two-month relationship with someone, but it’s not as bad as someone who’s been with someone for two years or 20 years.” And that logic would help us. But it’s not a broken mind. It’s a broken heart.
And so, our broken heart is our broken heart. It didn’t matter that this woman had known and been through this intense situation with this man for only two months. Her heartbreak was extremely real to her.
And if you’ve ever been in that situation yourself where there’s someone you got brokenhearted over who you only knew for a short space of time, leave me a comment. Let me know: What was your situation? How long was it? Did it surprise you? Was it shocking to you that you could be that brokenhearted over something that was so short-lived?
For some of you, you’ve been brokenhearted over someone you didn’t even really date. My brother Stephen once wrote a piece called “How to Get Over Someone You Never Dated,” which is so relatable. We hear that and we go, “Oh, my God, I relate to that,” because most people who have been in a situation in their lives where someone really hurt you, and you can’t even speak to a history with that person. But something about it, it hit you on a deep level. Why does this stuff hit us on such a deep level, especially if it’s short-lived?
In this woman’s case, it represented something she had been looking for, for a very long time. And maybe you can relate to this. She hadn’t felt a connection with someone in years. She hadn’t felt this deeply. She hadn’t felt this seen. The sparks she felt with this person are something that she thought, “This has to be special. I haven’t felt this in years.” And maybe she’s never felt that on that level.
So, the intensity of the feeling made it feel profoundly important, profoundly special.
Now, I want to challenge the idea in this video, and if you watch on, I’m hoping that you’ll find that if you’re in this place of heartbreak, whether it’s been months or years, this can offer you some solace and might just give you the daylight you need to start to feel a little bit better.
What I wanted her to understand, and what I’d love everyone out there to understand, is that there’s a big difference. Here’s an example I want to give you to help with this: I want you to think of fireworks. We often use that word in a relationship that was hard to get over, especially one that felt really, really intense in the beginning, don’t we? We say, “Just the fireworks were amazing. I had such fireworks with this person.”
We often describe that as the thing that’s missing when we don’t feel something, right? “There were no fireworks.”
Most of us feel like fireworks are special, right? Why is it universal that on New Year’s, we will watch fireworks, or when there’s a big show somewhere, there’s often fireworks? It’s because there’s just something universally dazzling about fireworks. They arrest our attention in that moment. They feel special. We hold someone’s hand next to us, and we look at those fireworks, and it feels incredible. “We’re having a moment. Look at this. Isn’t this amazing?”
But in order for fireworks to be special, they have to have two things: They have to have nighttime, so that they really light up. And they have to be over soon. If you take away either of those two things . . . if fireworks happened in the daytime and they never ended, I guarantee you, it would only be a matter of time before you were looking at your watch wondering when they were going to be over.
So, fireworks are special because of when they happen and because they have an end point. And I often think about short-lived, intense relationships that way. There are so many relationships that we never get over because they never stopped being fireworks. When we were in it, it was intense. Even with people who have affairs, it’s like that, right? A lot of affairs feel really exciting to people because they’re just living in the fireworks.
The same is true of the person we met on a holiday romance and we were there for two weeks, and we have this incredible holiday romance with them, and we went home, and looked back and thought, “God, if I could just find someone. It was so sad that they had to go back to their country and I had to go back my country, because that is what I’m looking for. What I had with that person is what I’m looking for.”
We can’t compare the fast-twitch attraction of a holiday romance to what we’ve ever had with anybody in a relationship. No one you’ve ever had a real relationship with should get compared to the person where once upon a time you had a holiday romance with, or a four-week fling with, or even a two-month relationship with. Because those things are still fireworks.
We tell ourselves in these experiences that we were getting everything we need, but we are blinded by that experience to the thing we haven’t gotten out of this, which is the thing we ultimately want, which is a real partnership, a real relationship, something that is going to last. Isn’t that fundamental?
When you think about your dream relationship, when you think about the thing you’ve always wanted, isn’t it someone you can look at and go, “We’re in this together. It’s you and me.”
It’s two people who have shown up for each other every day in the exciting moments and the boring moments, where two people have successfully been able to collide and come through it over and over and over again, where two people have sacrificed for each other, compromised for each other, made space for each other. Not just been excited by the commonalities but made space, and even found pleasure in the differences.
On New Year’s Day, when you wake up in the morning, you wake up into your life. Now, you may have been watching the fireworks the night before, but when those fireworks are over, you go back to life. What life do you wake up to when the fireworks are over on New Year’s Eve? What day or what year do you wake up into? What’s ahead of you?
That’s your life. None of us think that the fireworks are our life. We know that the next morning, we wake up into our actual life. The fireworks were an experience, but what we wake up into, what we go home to, who we look at when the fireworks are over, that’s our life, and we have to stop looking at fireworks as an indication of our real love life.
In our love life, the fireworks are an experience.
Now, this isn’t a video, by the way, saying that passion can’t last in a relationship. I think there are plenty of people who keep passion alive in a relationship. I’m not trying to say that the fireworks have to end entirely. What I’m saying is that if nothing happens after the fireworks, you don’t have the thing you’re really looking for, which is a partnership, a relationship, a life. You just have an experience. And they’re very different things. An experience is not a relationship. An experience is not a partnership.
So, I say to you, I ask you the question—when you look back on this thing that you’re mourning right now, and make no mistake, you’re mourning it, it’s a version of grief. When we lose something, we didn’t just lose a person. We lost a future we thought we were going to experience. And that’s what hurts so badly is that for a moment, that person, felt like they were the salve to this need that we have had our whole lives. This person came along and they felt like the answer. Of course you’re heartbroken. Don’t beat yourself up for being heartbroken. Don’t shame yourself for being heartbroken. Don’t judge yourself for being heartbroken.
It’s not really about this person. It feels like it is. But what it’s really about is that this person represented something and the feeling I got with them felt like the answer to something I’ve been looking for my whole life, and I don’t know when it’s ever going to come along again. That’s the scary part.
Am I ever going to feel that way again? Am I ever going to find someone like this again? Maybe that was my one chance and I blew it. And of course, we then start looking at all of the ways that we screwed it up: What could I have done differently? How could I have been better?
And we torture ourselves that way.
When you realize, at the end of someone being there in the fireworks stage or someone who comes along to represent fireworks, when you realize that they then decide to leave, that they’re not interested in continuing, then that person is not the partner that you need. That person is not the life that you’ve been looking for. It’s not the person who’s going to build with you.
So, understanding that, you begin to realize that this hurts, but I can live with the hurt that I felt something and now I don’t get to feel that now. But I don’t have to live with the hurt that the love of my life just decided they didn’t want to be with me.
You can miss an experience, but you can’t mourn it as if it were a lifelong partnership. In order for something to be a lifelong partnership, it has to actually be a lifelong partnership.
Now, look, moments like this where I—or another coach or a friend or a family member—comes along and gives you a perspective that can help make a world of difference, even if it’s just 1% . . . a 1% shift in this area can give you just the bit of daylight you need to give you hope and make you realize you can make progress. You don’t have to feel this bad. And if you add up those 1% shifts every day, they’ll make a tremendous difference to your heartbreak, and you feeling like yourself again.
What if I could give you more than a 1% shift today—what if I could give you a 5%, a 10%, maybe even a 20% shift? What I have done for you, and this is something I’m so excited to share with you . . .
For those of you who don’t know yet, I have assembled some of my friends who are the best in the world at helping people through these things. Nicole LePera (the Holistic Psychologist), Dr. Ramani, David Kessler, the number one expert in the world on grief, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu from Impact Theory and Women of Impact, and several others whose names you will know, trust me.
I have put them all together in one series called Happiness After Heartbreak that I am giving you complimentary when you order a copy of my brand-new book, Love Life. This is a series of interviews that are 30 to 60 minutes long, where we do a deep dive on the practical things that you need to know to start to feel better. I believe this is one of the best things I’ve ever created, and it’s on the house.
It helped me. You’ll see as you go through these interviews, I’m on my own healing journey about different heartbreaks in my life because heartbreak isn’t just romantic. You can go through all kinds of different heartbreak and grieving in your life.
So, even if you haven’t got a romantic heartbreak right now, check this out because if life has handed you a heartbreak in business, in your family, in your friendships, and life is just not panning out the way you wanted by this stage, it will help you through those heartbreaks too.
All you need to do to get it is go to heartbreakseries.com. When you get there, you can order a physical copy of the book, because this only applies to the physical version, not the audio. When you order a copy of the book from Barnes & Noble, Amazon, or wherever you do it, even internationally, there are lots of options there, all you have to do is take your order number and come back to the page, heartbreakseries.com, and input it there. And you’ll get automatic access immediately to the Heartbreak series.
I’m so proud of this. Like I said, this can be a key for you to achieving happiness after your heartbreak.
I’m so glad you’re here to hear about this. So, grab a copy of the book, enjoy the series, and let me know what you think. The link is heartbreakseries.com. I’ll see you over there and thank you, everyone, as always, for watching the video. Love life!
I tried ordering the book but it is not available in South Africa as yet, which is sad. But I will wait until it is available.
The woman that you speak about could have been me and my story. I thought I had found my soulmate, my other half. The experience was intense, incredible, everything I had ever dreamed of and wanted in life. Until he broke it off. It completely blindsided me and took me over a year to recover. But I am finally hopeful and healed and am able to see why it didn’t work out and I am grateful for it.
I have watched your videos for two years now and have been a member on and off of the LLC. Lately the things you have been saying have resonated with me more than ever. I am not sure if it’s just the place I am in my life or if your messages are different. I just wanted to say thank you. I am so happy you share your knowledge and information with everyone and have made it your life’s mission to help. It really does help!
I felt this. As i read it. I left a long term job to get into a rewarding career and within a month started seeing a co-worker. It was intense as you say. He wanted to go slowly and two weeks in, I felt something telling me to not to continue. He told me all the things he wanted to experience with me, that it had been 3 years single for him. I pushed through 4 more doubts. He never wanted to jump into a relationship. But we would spent 3-4 nights in a row together. Go to work and no one knew. After 6 months, I developed CPTSD and was crying everyday due to his bread crumbing and avoiding phone calls or texts and scheduling plans. No outside dates. Just glancing at each other across the room and him overwhelmed but deciding when to come. I ended it. He agreed and said it wasn’t me. He needed upgrading. 6 months went by. I had one night a month with him until my career there ended. I saw him again. And two weeks later, he told me there was no point to talking anymore. It’s been two months. I’m breathing better now. Thank you Matthew
Completely in love with someone I cannot for personal reasons be with. He feels strongly about me too. The chemistry is intense, we cannot keep away from each other and neither of us is strong enough to stop it.
I cannot bear the pain of being away from him, it’s just too much and he’s going crazy too.
I don’t know how to handle this. I can’t handle this. Everyone talks about how I should just stay away like it isn’t the worst pain I’ve ever felt and it isn’t tearing us both apart. We have continued in secret because we can’t stop.
How well timed was this. Wow. I have had nearly the exact same experience as the woman you’re referring to, except mine was just over 3 months and our ending was different. He was married for a long time and has a son. He dated this girl a few years ago that did a number on him and he knew before he met me that he needed to be single to work on himself. He’s actively engaged in therapy every week and is an extremely self-aware person committed to self growth. He ended things with me because he knew he needed to do the work to be the person he needed to become and that if he tried to do that alongside me, that he would end up just burying himself in me instead of doing what he knew he needed. For that, I cannot fault him because when I met with him and we spoke about it, I knew he was right and being honest. I also know that I can find something like that again and I can meet someone else, so I’m trying to do that. But I am really struggling with moving on from him because he even said everything between us was perfect and what he’s been looking for as well, but he needs to do the work. So he’s less than 15 miles from me and I do truly believe him when he says he wants to be single and focus on him and healing and because of that I am struggling to move on. I am a big believer in timing so I keep having this feeling that somewhere down the road him and I will cross paths again, but that could absolutely turn out not to be true. Anyways, I am trying very hard to be open to new possibilities- I actually have a date this week and it’s the first one I’ve been really excited about since this other guy. So fingers crossed for that. But man do I really relate to the girl you’re talking about in this video and my heart goes out to her because I know almost exactly how she feels.
Just left a relationship under the same circumstances. This was a coworker I had known for decade’s and we both have the same backgrounds, middle class, went to the same schools and worked at the same place, sometimes side by side. Actually, he was not someone I felt was my “type.” He wasn’t tall enough, attractive enough and was always so serious. He had his heart broken too many times, of all of his 3 marriages, each left him for someone else, the last one being the worst. She wanted to get married on Valentine’s Day, though his friends said don’t do it, he did. She talked him into putting her name on a home he has just purchased, then talked him into taking out a second mortgage on the home. Then she left and married another man. He came looking for me after we both retired, and found me through a common friend. We saw each other casually for about 5 months, once a week. Things started to get serious, and he introduced me to one friend, then a group of his friends, and things seemed to be fine. Except I could tell he was running hot and cold. I knew to proceed with caution with him and never let him into my heart too deeply, for fear of what would, and did, happen. He called me up one day and said, “I know where this is going, and I can’t do it.” I didn’t ask too many questions, because he sounded upset so, I just let him say what he needed to say. He went on to say he had done it and can’t do it again. I told him if that was how he felt, this was what he should do. Surprisingly, I didn’t get upset, my voice remained calm, I didn’t feel the urge to cry, and was just glad I took it slow with letting him in my heart. I do miss him, I think he is a wonderful person, but he is too damaged to let go of his past. Sadly, I think what was a good friendship was also lost in the relationship, though he said he hoped we could still be friends.
I had a friend for 9 years, last Fall I thought it was going somewhere. Then near Christmas he went cold, then, in January we reconnected. Early in Feb he sent me the most hateful hurtful uncalled for text. We no longer speak. I’m still crying over him. Mostly for our friendship that ended on such bad terms.
My heartfelt sympathies to you Linda. I know that pain and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if it makes you feel any better, we have all been there, done that and wore the t-shirt. The healing will come, just hang in there.
Dear Matt,
My advice to you while making another show to focus more oh how overcome the heart break ❤️ in details because when you describe in details how we are feeling your are opening emotional wounds which make us unable to listen to you or look for the answers to heal because of the powerful pain you remind us with.
Dear Matthew,
This has helped bring joy and healing after a 3 year devastating struggle. Joy that I experienced the fireworks, that he cared alot about me, and healing in that me wanting the relationship more was because it was unique to me after a toxic marriage and I was more ready for a relationship than he was and it has nothing to do with my value or how fun and special it was to him too. Because he told me all this a year and a half ago. I didn’t believe it because he moved on but I do now. I can smile at the fireworks and feel more clarity I want to find a real partnership next. It was a great experience with him and I want more.
Damn. Had SUCH a similar experience.
Was heavily and intensely pursued by a man for three months.
He texted all day, every day. Cooked for me. Came and took the fitness classes I taught. Called me things like, “My sexy Spin Instructor” and said things like, “I’m missing your cuddles and kisses”.
Time together was effortless and fun and he’d oftentimes express that he loved hanging out with me and that it was so easy.
He mentioned bringing me to his home town and he spoke of other future plans together.
He introduced me to some of his friends and even hosted me and my friends at his property in Palm Desert right before the holidays.
I left for two weeks to spend the holidays with family (I invited him to join, but he declined) and he got me a gift before I left.
We communicated daily during those two weeks I was gone.
Having been single for over a decade, I was really feeling all the feels with this dude. He made me feel incredible, kept showing up, we had a blast together, he was successful, and I had no reason not to let my guard down or to question anything (sure, he didn’t come home with me for the holidays, but that’s a big ask for something pretty new – to fully immerse in a family across the country for the biggest holiday).
For two weeks, I couldn’t wait to see see him. When I returned from my trip, he offered to cook me dinner that night.
He did. We ate. We drank. We talked about the last couple of weeks. And then, out of nowhere, he said that he thinks we are on different pages in that I want a relationship and he doesn’t, and I’m “too special a person to mislead” (even though his dating profile says he wants a relationship and he had been misleading me for three [wonderful] months).
I’ve been a mess over here reading all the blogs and listening to all the pods.
I know it’ll get better, and he apparently wasn’t my guy, but it’s heartbreaking and confusing and hard to make sense of right now.
Glad I’m not alone in this. Heartbreak SUUUUCKS. Thanks for this relatable content.
I love your content. I’m a big fan of your work. Your advice, perspective on love is fundamentally solid.
I’ve never waited for a book release as much as I am for Love Life. I want to pre-order and get all the additional freebies of golden information but it pains me that I cannot access this offer as I’m based in India. Can you please have an offer for your followers outside of USA, UK and Australia? Thanks.
In 2018 I split after having had a marriage of 18 years and we just fell out of love we are still good friends we have 2 beautiful children.
Fast forward to 2021 October meet a guy he had 2 kids 17 and 12 there mother had passed they had no regard towards her another story . Me and this guy where very passionate and got there really quickly in Feb 2022 with in 2 weeks a young friend of my partner son committed suicide then 2 weeks later my sister she was a SES volunteer died in the line of duty , so we were thrusted into grief and we were there for each other for support. August 2022 brought a house together , yes there was red flags from the beginning . September 2023 I could not take the disrespect from his children anymore and my partner not standing up from me I lost it and now I’m alone yes we had our bottie calls . Have now sold house it all hurts and I find it hard to let go . I have not spoken to him in 10 days as I went away on an Eat Pray love journey.
Thank you Matthew. Yes, as other women I was exposed to the magic of the fireworks and the devastating disappointment of a relationship that did not materialise in a long, meaningful and deep commitment.
You made me reflect and understand that it was not a long life partnership but just a experience, and as such just something to miss not to mourn. So, thank you again, for making a difference to the heartbreak and the immense sadness I have lived with for the last 7 months. You managed to get that 1% shift , as you gave me a new perspective and a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi Matthew,
Your videos really help me go through heartbreaks and also understand myself! I have been through a similar situation from this video but adding a more complex touch. I was with someone for nearly 3 months. We met at a film festival and hit it off immediately. We were very similar, falling for each other, wanting the same things ( serious relationship, getting married, making a family etc) and we were both excited about each other. I live in Ireland and he in London but we were ready to make it work and he was going to make our relationship official (ask me to be his girlfriend) over a romantic getaway weekend that involved also having a dinner with an acquaintance of his that he met only once before and who invited us over for the weekend in a beautiful countryside of Ireland. I had butterflies in my stomach and our level of sparkle got to the point of projecting a future together, travelling and getting married. I am not that type of person that rush through things but it felt right and magical with him. As soon as we got to our destination, his acquaintance greeted us with drinks and the conversation was flowing. I had a bottle of wine by myself and was ready to go to the bnb and have a rest before dinner. But in the way to the bnb our host stopped in another pub for more drinks and ended up introducing us to a bunch of people we both didn’t know. Long story short, I got super drunk and blacked out part of the night. All I remember is later crying in the bnb room and complaining he left me there to recover by myself as I got drunk. Turned out it was more than that: I woke up next morning with him saying that I was a negative person and was really angry for no reason cursing people around. Now, he probably saw me as a red flag – and I apologised but I couldn’t remember what I said when drunk. I also didn’t have negative thoughts or feelings when we first arrived to the place . What unfolded was that the weekend he was supposed to make our relationship official turned to be our break up weekend. I feel guilty about it but also his reaction and actions weren’t the most mature after that. I try to cling to the fact that he acted ice cold later and didn’t want to give me a second chance. But I find it difficult to let go that “firework” and how he could just give up so easily such a powerful connection – after suggesting we would get married and build a life together. This is already way too long of a message and there’s many more details to what he actually claimed to be the end of the situationship (“the long distance “) and also suggesting he was afraid of me embarrassing him in the long run or sth similar happening in the future after being committed or too invested to get out. I know from the outside I could sound as troubled but truth is to this date I can’t understand why that happened. I am not a heavy drinker nor did I have real reasons to act that way that night. But I don’t know why I got jealous and there is little information that he actually told me what I have said. But he focused more on the fact that I cursed everyone around and got jealous of him.
Months have passed. I am in a better place but still think about him a lot. He messaged months after to say he regretted how he handled things but never really said he regretted breaking up. I still grieve the rejection and I have mixed feelings on whether it is my fault for losing control or if I dodged a bullet for someone that showed little to no flexibility in that situation.
Thank you, Matthew, for your tremendous help. A simple, but surprisingly very effective analogy with fireworks definitely helps. You basically told my story: 3 month or so of chemistry off the charts (not even dating), but also what seemed to be an incredible connection and admiration for each other. I have been alone for the longest time, I rarely like anyone like that, and this time allowed myself to believe that this was sent to me from above. It just couldn’t be so special for no reason! But…the reality is I’ve lost, like you very well said, the future I imagined with the person since such a connection took place. Oh, how hurtful it has been; I’ve got really sick, Ive got really thrown off, I’m slowly coming out of it, it’s been almost two years. I’m much better now, but nothing I was trying to tell myself (and explain that wouldn’t be a long term anyway since he gave up so easily, and I would still hurt sooner or later) was helping much. Memories and emotions would come back in waves and torture me again. All better now, but very disappointed and don’t see a point in this kind of a relationship even more than before. Why would people play with someone’s soul like that has always been a puzzle for me. Besides, I’m not young, and didn’t expect such games at this point of life. Anyway. Thank you so much again for all your help, experience, willingness to share knowledge, bringing guest speakers and experts! It’s a tremendous help!
Well I could just say “ditto” but I’ll add a bit more…mine was also a relationship of about five months. Like you said, fireworks don’t last. I was widowed two years ago and this man showed me one good thing: I am able to love again. Our conversations were pure joy, we made each other laugh, the chemistry was strong…he is highly intelligent, and he was wonderful things like patient, kind, generous, a very giving person. A listener. A friend on my side. Planning special things. The best conclusion I could come to was this: there is a difference between infatuation and love. He was madly infatuated with me but I was actually falling in love with him. He wanted an intimate relationship for as long as it lasted, I wanted marriage. We gently went our separate ways with an honest conversation, but of course…he called. Then we saw each other and our Valentine’s Day kiss is one I won’t forget. And THEN he abruptly went on a trip of several weeks with an old friend/girlfriend. They always liked travelling together. !!!!!!?????? So now I know he’ll get in touch when he gets back because he thinks he can reactivate our relationship whenever he feels like it. I should block him, but I’d rather just let him call and email without responding. I’m curious to know what he does/says when HE is the one left hanging. Sorry…that’s my inner smaller-nature coming out. Anyway, it is a BIG COMFORT to know others have had this strange fireworks/fizzle experience.
To avoid the heart broken, I live on the edge cliff or walk on the shell eggs because in any direction I take I see red flags all over in any man I try to get attached to.
I tell myself that I will keep looking for my soul mate but seconds or night of fireworks I am reminded of my past and the red flags come up. I think I am the one breaking the men s heart ❤️ because I am not hesitant to break off. And I thank God I don’t go beyond expectations where by strings are attached. Thank you very much for being my love coach. J Lunda
Even though I may never get as far as one of your workshops, I deeply appreciate your work. This current issue is one I know you have covered before. On that occasion I shared how, during the pandemic, I became absurdly enamoured of a guy I only ever met online (I mean, I was 66 at the time!) It truly was as intense as any relationship I’ve ever had, & I was completely amoral about it. Actually, it felt great. But when he lost interest & faded away, it was frightening. I felt really crazy. Now I’m sort of detached. Like, “Oh well ♀️ that was something different.” But your podcast gave me the space to admit my craziness & explore what was behind the deep sense of loss & basically, work through it, so I didn’t stay in that space forever. Thank you so very much.
After 3 months of an amazing relationship… (we’re both positive , kind, fun, healthy, successful and happy ppl individually). Literally a perfect fit.
Then one week he starts pulling away and acting weird. Doing things for me to get upset and break up with him. Instead of reacting, I told him in a very calmed way that “he should take his time… that my feelings for him were still strong but that I might not be there when he decided to come back.” He replied: “ok, I wish you well”!!!!!
Later that week, he told me that his ex had reached out… she had just broken up from a long term relationship… and he still had feelings for her.
He is now in a committed relationship with her. I wish him the best. I am now in a better relationship, with an incredible man that treats me like a queen.
Things happen for a reason. The relationship was not perfect as he has an avoidant attachment style that made me feel a bit anxious from time to time. I am now with a secure attachment style person and it feels amazing!
I had a magical “night” on December 29th. It’s now almost February 29th and my heart still aches for him. I was at a little coastal bar dancing to live music amongst a throng of people. Suddenly, he’s there next to me, smiling at me. I smile back and keep dancing but think, “he’s cute”. I look again and he’s closer and still smiling. So I start dancing with him. The music is great, he never takes his eyes off of me and never stops smiling. At some point, I kiss him – his face was close to mine. He was pleasantly surprised and so, honestly, was I. Everyone disappears and it’s just us and the music. We keep dancing, we talk, we kiss more. He says “I like you.” I find out he’s visiting from Sweden. After a few hours, he asks me if I want a drink. We go sit at the bar and talk and kiss. He says “I like you a lot.” I tell him I like him too. The evening ends. He gets my number. I head over to an after party. He texts me if I want a ride home from the party. He had to drop off his friend that he came with. He comes to the after party. We kiss and talk more there. Then he drives me and my friend who’s spending the night back to my house. I show him around my house. We kiss more and then he leaves. He was the perfect gentleman. He never tried anything. He couldn’t stop kissing me. I felt so special and adored. He texted me late the next night saying his daughter was sick and wishing me a good night and sweet dreams ending the text with a . I thought it was so sweet. I texted him back and invited him to listen to the same band the following night. I didn’t hear back from him until the afternoon. His daughter was still sick. He never responded to my invitation to get together. Because his daughter was sick, I wasn’t too concerned. That night was New Year’s Eve and he wished me Happy New Year right before midnight . Next morning, I texted him a picture of the ocean and wished him Happy New Year. He texted me back a pic of the coast taken from a small airplane and pics of him and the pilot. When I saw his pic, something inside of me said, “That’s my man.” I texted him back asking him to call me and tell me about his plane adventure. I was ready to connect with him more than by texting. Obviously, his daughter was better. I knew he was going back to Sweden in 7 days. I thought for sure he would see me before he left. He never called but texted around 12:30 in the morning saying he was leaving for L.A. for a few days and needed to get some sleep . No mention of calling me later or seeing me when he got back. I was confused…he was really into me at the bar as my friend that was with me kept telling me. He came back for me after he dropped his friend off, he kept texting me and always ended them with . Surely he wanted to see me before he left. At least give me a call…how busy was he that he couldn’t find 5 min to call? I was disappointed that he didn’t make the effort to call. It was a little test to see if he cared enough to call and he didn’t. So I didn’t text back – I needed to think about it. After 2 days and talking with friends, I decided to text him back. I asked him how was LA and told him that I’d love to see him before he left and if not, let’s stay in touch and safe travels. No response. The day he left comes and goes. Maybe he’s been busy since arriving home… After 2 weeks, and no text, I send one last text with a pic of me to remember me by and blessings to him and his daughter in Swedish . No response again. Not even a “nice meeting you but I don’t do long distance relationships…”. Nothing. Six years ago, I ended a 25 year roller coaster relationship with the father of my son. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in another relationship. After meeting my Swede, I changed my mind. Maybe that’s the positive side to this experience. I can visualize myself with a boyfriend like him. He was so kind and attentive (until he ghosted me LOL). The way he looked at me…I want that again, but not for just one night. Until then, I’m giving myself the love that I wanted from the Swede. I know he’ll be back in my life again – maybe with a different name, a different face but that love will be in my life again I’ve attracted it a few times, I’ll attract it again…for keeps next time
Matt,
Oh yeah, this is me, too, and the reason I joined the Love Life Club.
Both of us are older. Both had two failed marriages.
Both of us had decided we were done w romantic partnerships. Then we met.
Met January of last year, saw each other several times weekly at gym where we met, went to lunch a couple times then dinner. Older, we both put it all out there openly. It was so refreshing.
Then a month of long distance intimate calls followed by 4 months of sharing life.
Then out of nowhere I was ghosted. My deep respect for him slid tremendously. It is easy for me to love, but hard for me to respect and I so respected this person.
He had bumped into the pain of his second divorce from 15 years prior!! It was a shock to us both.
He ended up saying we were a mismatch. He continued to connect, I instituted thanks to you the “no contact rule” and the LLC has helped me maintain.
Suddenly after four months he texted and invited me to visit to see a completed project I helped a bit with.
I replied that it wouldn’t be healthy and that my feelings had not changed.
A week later he located where I’d moved to and mailed me a note. He said he hoped we could resume our friendship, someday, somehow.
I wrote but never maile a three page letter addressing all my feelings of confusion regarding who he really is and what he really wants, wondering how we can resume what he ended up calling a summer romance. So do you want to resume what was a romance? Impossible if it was only for summer. Do you want to be just friends? Already told him I’m not doing that, and either possibility hurts.
Told him my transition is about healing and putting myself in the healthiest place possible for current and future relationships. I quoted, “ Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed unless it is faced”.
Which is the authentic you, the 9-month forthright truth teller or the one-day silent ghostwriter? Or ????
I told him the sudden ghosting and lack of honesty kicked the emotional wind out of me and that I’m still feeling the sensation.
He sent note almost two weeks ago. I still haven’t sent my reply, wanting to first receive some guidance from you, Matt.
I’d just started to date again when this happened. My recent date wants to know if my ex-boyfriend has his hooks in me.
In this video you break down more clearly each piece of why this type of relationship reveals this isn’t our person. I think it helped me really start to get it.
Still wondering if I should mail my reply or not.
That is what I went through. Though it wasn’t exactly unexpected or that he broke it off. We both, as far as I know had intense attraction for each other. But he was moving too fast. He was talking about marriage before I even was ready to agree to a date. I really liked him, but i was nervous/scared, I don’t know. I feel like I’m mostly over it, about a year later. However, after saying I’m mostly over it, I’m crying right now as I write this. I still really miss him, though it was almost a year ago, and we only talked for a few months. We didn’t even date.