The REAL Secret to Getting Closure (It’s not what you think…)

Let’s face it, I have a weird job.

This week, if you’ve ever wanted a behind-the-scenes preview into the actual life of a “dating coach” (God, I hate that job title), then make sure to watch this week’s video.

You’ll see some of my personal thoughts on the state of modern dating, as well as one of my most powerful mindset shifts to help you handle your emotional response when a guy flakes on you...

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39 Replies to “The REAL Secret to Getting Closure (It’s not what you think…)”

  • I miss you guys. I miss when Matt used to occasionally answer comments here. Stephen on Wednesdays. iHeartRadio. VDay in our PJs. Remember when Jameson used to be like Mr. Snuffaluffagus and you didn’t know if anyone could see him but Matt? (And Jameson turned out to be a little hottie over there!)

    You’ve come a long way from that tiny yoga studio in New York years ago. But times change, don’t they Matthew? I appreciate your team and all you guys have done and still do.


  • I love your messages – I wish I could do what your advice tells us to do. I am a mess without him even though when I listen to your messages I should not be with him.

  • Hello Matthew , well I’m very proud of all that I have heard from you all your emails are so true. I was married for 25 years. He was the love of my life until he broke my heart .. he cheated on me 12 years ago … he came back we went for counselling this was ok for the frist five years but he started mean thing that I was fat and also that I’m the one that was cheating on him. Any way it’s been one year now and I still feel sum love for this jerk and I did have two daughters with him .. will I ever love again or even just have some one to talk to. U just said a very good point on getting texts from someone you think u both like each other really makes sense. I feel at a loss I do feel very lonely a lot also I still cry for him ???? Or is this because I’m so used to being with someone there .. thanks for everything. Michelle

  • Dear Matthew,

    Thank you for the video and valuable insights as always.

    The thing with closure is that there are several kinds of it.
    Sometimes people don’t respond for various reasons, and their silence is NOT a closure.
    They may feel shy, ashamed, fearful, or could be going through whatever problems. They could be also using the silence as a narcissistic ego-feeding tool to get more out of us, to see how much we care, how much we can give, wanting us to chase them and become their ‘groupies’ etc.

    As to other kinds of the ‘silent’ closure, on the one hand, I agree, if it was me not wanting any more contact with someone (if they had behaved badly towards me etc.) by all means, I’d love them to see that my silence does mean closure, it’d be my ‘safety blanket’ of some sort.
    Same when it comes from a mutual decision of ending an acquaintance/relationship etc.

    On the other hand, it feels quite different when both parts were interested…and then suddenly it STOPS on one side.
    If I really liked someone, invested my time and emotions in them (and vice versa) and now I’m at the receiving end of their silence, I’d want to know WHY, and I don’t agree with the popular advice that the ‘dumping’ person does not need to explain anything. They do. Big time. If they’re decent people, they’d feel moral duty to do so, the way they would if it comes to any kind of business contract.
    Entering someone’s intimate world is a heart deal, and messing up with other person’s emotions does not differ from a breach of contract.

    However, as in any contract, we want to know if we can get out if there’s something we do not like. And the thing about any kind of modern contracts is that they’re rarely clear, and oftentimes there’s lots of ”small print” that requires a magnifying glass to be ”read” properly…even harder when someone who considers themselves as the upper hand ”service provider” keeps changing the rules to their liking time after time…simple metaphor but true!

    So yes, if someone is ‘breadcrumbing’ us (by the way, genius expression!) they simply do not deserve anything more from us, and leaving them to their own devices by treating them to OUR silent closure does make sense on a higher level. Though it does take courage, good insight, understanding, and most of all lots of healthy SELF LOVE to be able to close the door on someone who’s not interested in us, but interested in us being interested in them.

    There are lots of topics I feel I’d love to share sometime, among others some of the answers to why there are people who aren’t interested in (and weary of) the so called ‘modern dating’ but that’s a completely different story :)

    All the best to you and your team!

    1. or… he’s just not that into you!
      most gilrs dont ghost or leave bread crumbs because we want closure and we hate it when guys disapear. Disapearing is a guy thing and there are no excuses because if he really cared about me he will give me closure. no excuses.

  • You are so amazing .
    This looks so promising Mathew ❤

    I feel miserable that he is not mine, I wait for him like crazy all day and all night. I yearn for those random texts he sends once a week or two to keep me hanging.
    The simple ‘hi’ from that cheater is like an elixir!
    I so want him bad though I know for sure I should be running away from him.He is a player!
    Your words make so much sense. I wish I have the courage to apply them in my life.
    You are so on point,
    ‘Closure is disinterest’

  • Thanks for this. I like the authentic and truthful touch and your heartfelt thoughts about relationships. Relationships is a crucial part of life. Relationship with self, relationship with others, relationship with partners. Striking the balance can be challenging but it makes the journey all worthwhile. It is a journey of awakening to self and others. Appreciate your work. Thank you

  • Hi Matthew,

    I’ve been following you off and on since some 3 years now I think.

    I’d like to say that probably the very worst is when you follow all the guidelines to do things right and still someone manages to breadcrumb you on a daily basis for 2 years straight taking advantage of your “mental and emotional weakness” due to your very long home-binding illness.

    This guy lied from day one and kept denying the truth up to the very last minute, ignoring all my questions, making excuses and making me wrong when I would get upset about it, yet virtually stalking me and “refusing to give up on me” even when I would stop answering him for weeks…

    Thank God I always kept working on myself in my reclusion, always focused on understanding the dynamics [btw your videos have often been priceless, besides making me laugh a lot ;-)] and on regaining control of myself and my emotions through various subconscious programming techniques.

    He made the mistake of not taking me seriously or thinking that he could keep manipulating me however he pleased. But the worst nightmare of a sociopath is an educated empath ;-)

    Even if I still believed him, last sunday I decided to break it off but I told him I was going to be there aroun 9:30pm to look him in the eyes before following through on it.

    See, had I still been at the beginning of this interaction the kind of closure you talk about here would have been fine, but after 23months of an what he had led me to believe was an apparently deep relationship of shared ideals and alues it was imperative to “know” in person…plus despite having been abandoned by practically everyone in my life as long as there’s something good I don’t give up on people and cut them out until I’ve truly done everything I could to do my part of fixing it…and never via phone or text which is cowardly in my opinion.

    Long story short his whole real life blew up in his face!!

    He had lied saying he’d taken sleeping pills and ignored my calls for 3 hrs when suddenly in the middle of the night he pulls into the driveway with all his family on board and in front of them loudly tries to bully me into silently leaving at the same time fiercly begging me in an undertone through his teeth not ruin it for him because his girlfriend who also lives with them is about to arrive…

    oh! Wasn’t you single and lived alone???

    Once something like this would have devasted me, I would have fled the scene in tears and in shame…but no! I stood my ground: I am the innocent victim here! I had been very straight forwrd about my morality and that I would never do to another woman what had been done to me so no, I am not going to let it go.

    Sure I probably yelled rather than calmly stating that he wasn’t getting away with playing with my feelings for 2 years straight – I have a muddled picture of me repeatedly slapping him too…I warned him that he had 2 days to come up with a way to make it up to me peacfully or he’d be sorry…and I also made it clear that I didn’t want money: my soul has never been on sale!

    Since that’s not going to happen (he blames me now that she left him after over 10yrs of livig together) I’ve decide I am going to take him to court on this. I don’t want to but I feel I owe it to myself to defend my dignity and also that of all the other ignorant mistresses whose lives get shattered buy these nincumpoops

    You see,the same thing happened to a famous european singer: until about 10 years after my stepbrothers were born she had no idea she had “helped” my dad in shattering our family…she went white with shock one day when the anger had subsided and in a very relaxed and friendly setting we happened to tell her our side of the story. Of course such s spontaneous reaction granted her immediate forgiveness…and none for men or women who behave so wickedly!!

    The best part though is that 2 days later I had the best Valentines date ever: sushi with me,myself and I, smiling and even giggling so much that I had to keep looking at my phone to avert a bit of the not so kind curious/malicious attention a laughing single lady amidst all those couples draws to herself hahahahaha…

    Yes, I’m “a little” annoyed that all my dreams are gone out the window, I am very passionate about my life visions. At the same time knowing the truth was so exilaratingly liberating. Now I’m truly free, otherwise I might have spent the rest.of my life in doubt…and above all for the first time in my life I can say I really do love myself. :-)

  • Looking buff Matthew My girls and I never get tired of your advice – it works in dating, relationship, career, Life You matter☺

  • Thanks Matthew,
    you are a refreshing voice in my life and I love watching and listening to you. Any advice on how to best deal with a narcissistic ex who I share kids with?

  • As a single mother of two its hard to find time for a personal life. Besides finishing law school, and dealing with young children who are very young.

    I feel that I lost the desire to date anymore because of how my ex only gives me one night off where he takes the kids. I have tried dating but all men seem to think I am lying when i say how busy I am in my life.

    I do keep in touch when i can but it seems that the interest level dies quickly because I am not as free as most men are.
    Any advice for me on how to handle the issue of dating with my situation?

  • About closure, technically rejection is closure of the relationship and any expectations regardless if any reason was communicated. However emotionally when the rejecting or ghosting party does not communicate any reason it makes it take a lot longer than it needed to for the rejected person to detach and heal from the blow to their ego. Cause they are left wondering with total uncertainity about it if the reason was one of their worst fears and insecurities about themselves. Their mind immediately goes to their worst fears weather that is about something of their apperance they’re insecure about or their personality or behavior, something they did that maybe was offensive or the person was mad at them, who knows. Rejection is difficult enough on it’s own to one’s confidence and feeling of acceptance and belonging no matter if it is from a guy or a friend or group of peers or whatever. Though not knowing why you were rejected hurts far worse and takes longer to heal from. The lack of ‘closure’ is in the doubts and uncertainity it causes in your own self image. If the reason was something light, superficial or even non personal and the person respectfully and politely commubicated that and even appoligised for having to do it, that softens the blow of the rejection and you feel immediate closure and reassurance, even if it still takes a bit of time to detach. It is the mystery that leaves the mind snd insecurities driving us crazy. I gey we can’t control the rejectors to be decent gentlemen about it and not cowards, though if they were it would save so much time in the moving on process.

  • I remember a while back I was in a “relationship” with this guy.
    I use to think how wonderful he was and how great of a “relationship” we had.
    Then he started cheating on me with this other woman. He eventually dumped me for her. (Extremely bad choice.)
    I accepted this outcome, I didn’t call him, beg him back, or try to prove I was the better choice. It may sound arrogant but when you believe and know you’re better you don’t have to prove anything.
    Anyways a friend of mine wanted to know if I had called and what not. I told her that I had not called, she asked me why and didn’t I want closure? I told her I got my closure, he chose her.

  • So in this new dating landscape, where ‘closure is disinterest’, after 6 months of dating one is not to expect goodbyes or thank yous anymore. Ghosting is something we should now accept and live with. It’s a sad, sad world…

  • Awe I really loved this as it seems a bit more like you if you were a friend having a cuppa on my sofa ❤

    P.s Recently had a blast from the past message me after 6 mths. I’m not the sort of person to cut people off so I accepted the (false) offer of friendship but I have closer because a little note I wrote in a heart ❤️ On the side of my fridge thats says ‘disinterest is closer ‘. It might not seem much but instead of being disappointed that I got ghosted (again – suprise suprise) I smile because I see that message and it gives me strength to be genuinely me without losing my standards or breaking my heart that some guy ‘doesn’t know what he wants’

    P.p.s And just for the record – I make a mean brew so come visit England & Jameson (he’s awesome)

  • I absolutely cherish the Sunday videos you send. I have a lot of your programs, but I have to say that the Sunday videos are what consistently energize me after a long week. Especially a video like this one. Relationships are truly at the heart of everything we do as people and being able to understand the fundamentals of what is happening in any given exchange is priceless. I study people for a living, but in a much different capacity (politics). What your programs have taught me, however, is that this insight is applicable to anything. In general, my travels have taught me that anywhere you go people are just people. Everybody wants something, everybody needs something, and everybody has obstacles to getting to where they want to be. You have truly helped me over the years I’ve been following your programs and advice to really learn how to understand people on a much deeper and intimate level and, in general, that the goal should really be to love life. Thank you for that.

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