Relationships Are Not Transactions

The lesson of this video is to become a VALUE GIVER, not a value taker.

While my book and organisation are playfully called “Get The Guy”, you really don’t ‘get’ by going out with a mindset to get. You get by going out with a mindset to GIVE.

Think about it… You KNOW when a guy’s not coming up to you to give value; when he’s coming up to you just try and get something.

In the example I talk about in the video, it struck me that this is exactly how women feel when a guy walks up to them with an agenda.

And so many people go into interactions with a transaction in mind.

Today I want to pose a simple question:

–How do you add value? 

Through your personality? Your humour? Who you are? The atmosphere you create?

Let me know in the comments below!

As I mention in the video, you don’t have to go in thinking ‘I am going to give value to this person’. You can add value just by being a great energy around someone.

How are you going to do it with the next group you come into contact with?


Many of you have been asking about the Lifestyle Retreat programs that I do.

Both events that I had booked for the end of this year and now completely SOLD OUT – even though there’s still over 4 months to go!

**Great news**… I’ve decided to throw in one more just to cope with demand and the number of people who otherwise would be missing out.

Check it out here.

This is something I’d never normally do, but there are simply too many people missing out to not do it.

It’s going to be in November from the 4th to the 8th.

I would love to see you there!

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91 Replies to “Relationships Are Not Transactions”

  • “Nonsensy clubs… with the same men and women outside as inside” is so the kind of conversation my brother and I have! hee hee.

  • Nice post, liked it :) Btw, there was one of your coaches who contacted me by email regarding my inquiry on your Women’s Retreat, I replied the email but didn’t hear back again :(

    1. Hey Ana,

      I’m really sorry to hear that’s happened. I’ve just passed this onto the team and I’ll make sure we get back to you today!


  • I was kinda expecting you ending this with:

    “Both retreats are completely sold out…*shrugs shoulders*

    Sorry!” [cuts to black]

    But glad to see so many people taking advantage of your programs

  • Oh Matthew… Funniest video so far… One day I’m gonna try that conversation just to see the reactions I get. Take care ;)

  • You know? I attend events with a mindset of enjoying myself, having fun, showing up as my best self, trying to be open, approachable and social…but your post makes me wonder if still in bringing in a vibe of transaction, because I don’t get to know as many people as I’d like (I go with the intention of widening my social circle, particularly in events for expats/internationals) or, the people I meet, don’t ask for my personal info or follow up. I feel I do my part, but girls who are very aggressive entertaining the hot guys of the event, seem to have better results.
    Thanks Matt,

  • You are soo hilarious! But its true I’ve had come up to guys I’m attracted to and see them emediatly get akward.maybe I’ve been doing that……

  • Well, but there is the other extreme of people that think that EVERYTHING a men does is a transaction of something and boobs. I get a lot of things for free because some waiters are really nice and a male friend that I have allways think it´s because they want something from me. I have a question for you: Why most man think that other man are like that? Sometimes people is just friendly and nice. It´s good to avoid this transaction thing but it´s not so good to think that most of the things someone does for you is for that reason.

    1. Hey Silvi,

      Most men think that, because they know how men think. Unfortunately, most men (and people) do things because they want something from someone else. There are ways to be friendly and there are ways to be nice, but there is also a line that gets crossed, at which point the person is looking for something in return and it’s important to be able to spot the difference.


      1. Ha! You have used my email name.

        Well, I think a lot of people is missunderstood. For example, every time I go to a coffe shop the waiter gives me free cake :) But then he only talks to me and he knows he only gets a good conversation in return. And not only man. When I go to a bar a waiteress give me free shots and she is only beeing nice. My point is that sometimes we think that people are giving (not only material things)it means that they want something (most likely, sex) in return. Sometimes they just want friendship or to help some people. And I´m 25 years old. I mean, I´m not a naive teen age girl.

        1. Lucky girl…..people are really nice to you…i dont get anything for free…..well maybe on supermarket when we pay only one product and they have a promotion that i can get one more! Lolololol! ;) some people just want to be friendly or have a good time with somente who looks friendly and nice and i think u are! :) rumor or silvi? Kisses

          1. Oh, thank you, you are so sweet :) More important that things for free is to get the curiosity of others to be my friends. That makes me a very lucky girl. You seem to be a person that can get the same king of curiosity of others. So we are lucky :)

      2. I think this is one of the best points you have ever made or that any relationship expert has ever made. Its the underlying issue of so many problems. people expect a lot from other people, they want them to be an answer to their problems (in relationships). then they just create more with this attitude. Its a sign they dont respect themselves very much and maybe feel they dont have enough to offer. cheers x

  • Outside of the awkward exchange over vodka, the end of this video had me in tears! Double-deezys, huh? I like the points you made when you consider people can sometimes smell ulterior motives from a mile away. (Still laughing at double deezys). I add value by being an easy laugh and a good ear when you need it. I can muster up some good wordplay on occasion too. Matt, you’re hilarious.

  • Hahahahaha! you are so right Matt!! And that was a funny way telling it! Excellent point there :)

    I follow you from Finland and your great. I trust your guide in this. Totally great! Keep it up :)

    Sometime when I have the possibility I want to come to your event, would be good for me i think :)


    1. Thanks Michelle! So sweet, and thank you for following all the way in Finland! I would love to see you at an event if you can make it some time. : ) thanks again


      1. So for reserach, where do i find you vent calender, in London ex.? AND you should come to Finland, Sweden or Norway and have the events soon I think too:)

  • When I arrive in a party and there’s people I don’t know, I naturally go and introduce myself to everyone with a kiss on the cheeks. I make jokes because I like to make people laugh, even at my expense. ^^ That way I already feel part of the party and not like an outsider and I make friends.

  • Gretings from Romania! I’ve been reading your posts from a year now and I think you really made a change in my way of thinking. I really hope to attend one of your seminars in the future:) about guys who are looking for “a transaction”…I really hate when it’s so obvious that a guy is looking just to “have some fun” and he thinks that buying me a couple of drinks and talk about how great he is in bed would do the trick. I’m kinda shy and and sometimes I feel offended when a guy thinks I am one of those promiscuous girls, Even though I don’t dress or behave like one . I think it’s my face or…I don’t know ..haha. I also struggle with confidence issues. Even though I am pretty enough to go out with a decent guy, I feel insecure and I think I’m not good enough for someone and I settle for less because I think I will end up being alone…

  • Was JUST having this conversation with a date last night. This is exactly how I feel when a guys idea of a first date is “the hot tub” or “the pool” or a “massage”….Come on guys!! I see right through your motive and I’m not buying it. Try harder. ;)

    You’re amazing Matthew-love that you and your friends didn’t give in to the ladies at the club. (Even if they had double deezy’s ha) Good job. ;)

    Much love from AZ,


  • Another winner, Matthew! It is always better to give than receive. A sentiment I hold dear and close to my a heart. A genuine personality with a smile that can light up any room and an optimism in spirit all its own. Embrace what makes you uniquely you. And ultimately how you add value transcends and directly relates to the value you seek to find…

  • I was told today that by me sharing your videos on my Facebook page, it appears “sad.” I find your the content of your videos inspiring and spot on. I’m not sure what is so “sad” about them…LOL!! Maybe the guy that said this is “sad” himself? I’m not sure. I’ll keep watching and reading. You have helped my life (many aspects) more than you will ever know. Thank you!!

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