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Why Arguing In Relationships Is Good

man and woman arguing

Does having fights always mean you have an unhealthy relationship?

We’ve been taught so often that arguments are bad, that any kind of disagreement with your partner can easily make you doubt everything.

But what if it isn’t true? What if arguing could be a sign of health, instead of sickness?

Let’s look at 3 reasons why arguing in relationships can be good for your relationship, so that you can diagnose if you have a bright future or if you’re better breaking it off.

But first off, the rules…

Ok, let’s be honest, it’s not a great thing constantly to be in verbal fights with your partner.

So before I explain why arguments can be a good thing, let me caveat by saying that this is only true given you have certain ground rules first.

Here are a few:

• No name-calling

• No shouting and breaking things

• No physical abuse…ever! (hopefully this one goes without saying)

• No attacking your partner and constantly denying your own flaws

If you can stick to these, then you’ll be able to at least have productive arguments, instead of destructive ones. If you can’t, then all your arguments will be fruitless and painful.

So now we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s look at why arguing with your partner may not be such a bad thing in the first place.

Reason #1 – It lets you get out your emotions

woman shouting at man through megaphone

We all know those couples who tiptoe around their partner’s worst flaws, only to spend all of lunch the next day complaining to their friends about petty annoyances:

  • “He’s so messy and disorganized”
  • “He flirts with other people”
  • “He’s always asking me to change who I am”

And instead of just talk to their boyfriend about these problems, they bottle it all up and allow their resentment to grow and grow until they either (a) explode with rage one day, or (b) decide to break up without ever really discussing their problems.

So arguing can in relationships can actually help you get out necessary emotions so they don’t cause bigger problems later.

It’s a way to let off steam and express how you feel, so that you’re boyfriend can understand exactly what is bothering you (and what he can do about it).

10 minutes of venting your emotions is much better than 10 weeks of holding it all in.

Reason #2 – It helps you gain self-awareness

woman looking into distance

It might not be pleasant to hear someone else lay out your problems to your face, but arguing in relationships one way to learn a lot about yourself.

You’ll see how you deal with conflict, what your values are, and what kind of behaviours you have that annoy someone else.

As long as your partner’s concerns are reasonable, arguing in relationships can be a powerful way to see your own bad habits brought to light, so that you can learn how to avoid them in future. It also helps you see where you’re being unfair, and what you need to learn to compromise on.

Reason #3 – It tells you where you’re incompatible

woman unimpressed with man

Sometimes, an argument is just the best way to realise that you’re not as compatible with your partner as you thought.

If you constantly lock horns on the same issues (e.g. plans for the future, how you both spend your time, unreasonable jealousy), then you know that this person isn’t someone you’re going to be compatible with long-term.

It might be painful to know that you just can’t be with this person, but it’s better to know now and save yourself months or years of pain than bottle it all up and only discover it later on.

So as long as you can keep it clean, don’t be afraid of occasionally arguing with your partner. It can either help make your relationship stronger, or, at worse, prove that this really isn’t the relationship for you long-term.

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5 Replies to “Why Arguing In Relationships Is Good”

  • hello Mathew I keep arguing with my man and its very tiring cause it kills all our happiness, I need advice about this probably his the man for me I don’t want to loose him but still its costing me happiness please help

  • I don’t agree that arguing is good. It depends what you mean by it, but I take it to mean seeing your partner as an enemy. Avoid this by saying “I feel angry”, not “You make me angry.” This lets out your emotions (reason #1) without attacking them.
    That gives your partner insight into you, and lets you understand yourself better, too (reason #2). Naming your feelings as specifically as possible helps clarify your needs. and helps you look behind what you’re asking for. You have deeper needs there, and when you can find what they are, you can usually reach a solution without either of you compromising.
    However, a conversation that reaches core needs may indeed show that you’re incompatible, and that’s a good thing for both of you (reason #3). Sometimes – kids, sex, money – you’re too far apart to ever agree.

    1. Phil, excellent! And super to see you comment on this video, when the subject matter is your own specialty, as well. xxoo

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