Are You Lying To Yourself About The Relationship?

woman worrying

When we’re teenagers, we all dream about the idea of having a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”.

It just sounds so grown up, so cool, so romantic.

To have someone with whom you share this private world, where you get to share your secrets, go on adventures, and of course, kiss until your lips get sore.

But the problem is, some of us are addicts.

We want romance and closeness so much that we’ll stay with the wrong person for months or years rather than face going back to the single life again.

So let’s look at some signs that will help you identify if you’re lying to yourself, and give you some ways to get out of the cycle of “relationship addiction” when it happens to you…

Why You Don’t Admit The Truth…

Who knows?

Maybe your parents made you believe your self-worth was tied to your ability to have a man want to settle down with you.

Maybe you feel social pressure to be “successful” and part of that means having a boyfriend so you can feel like you’re achieving in all the ways society deems important.

Maybe you just crave a feeling of companionship, or you don’t want to feel like a failure, or you haven’t learnt how to enjoy being single and fear being back in the dating world.

But all of these fears are unfounded. Quitting a bad relationship is never a failure. It’s a smart, practical decision that can save you years of wasted time when you could have been happier with someone else.

So how do you know if you’re lying to yourself and it’s time to move on?

Let’s look at the best way to find out…

5 Questions To Know When You’re Lying About Your Relationship…

woman in relationship lost in thought

Obviously, when it’s you who’s doing the lying, it can be a little difficult to spot self-deception.

Which is why the best way to tell if you’re lying to yourself through a diagnostic approach of asking yourself a few key questions.

Think through the following questions carefully. If you can honestly say “yes” to at least three of them, chances are you are lying to yourself about the future of this relationship, and you’re attempting to make something work that is already toxic or broken:


  • Do you keep having to “convince” yourself that his flaws aren’t so bad? 

    He’s self-centered? Needy? Unromantic? If you can’t stop focusing on the negative parts of his character, chances are it’s because these spell out BIG problems for you that you can’t get over in your mind.


  • Do your most trusted friends express doubts about him consistently? 

    Not every friend should be listened to when it comes to romance, but if all your closest pals are worried about this guy, it’s worth stopping to think about why that is.


  • Do you find yourself blocking out thoughts of the relationship and its future because it stresses you out? 

    Trying to distract yourself and avoid thinking about something is the first sign you should really pay attention to it.


  • Do you have to keep reminding yourself of what works about you and this guy together? 

    If you don’t immediately know what works about you and you have to think too hard about it, that’s already symbolic that the relationship is on shakey ground.


  • Do you feel like it’s hard work whenever you disagree, discuss the future, or spend a lot of time together? 

    Relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be hard work ALL the time. If you always fall into disagreements or arguments over the simplest things, then you need to ask yourself why that is and whether these problems are worth fixing if they’re so fundamental.

As is often true of relationships, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula here.

You need to study the above questions carefully and be REALLY honest with yourself.

If you find yourself quietly nodding along to three or more of them, then you know that this relationship is on life support and you need to have an honest conversation about it with your partner.

Remember: time is the most precious resource we all have. The less of it we spend with the wrong person, the more space we have to let in the right one.

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6 Replies to “Are You Lying To Yourself About The Relationship?”

  • After months of lying to myself, not admitting the truth and feeling awful, I was able to send the following “its over email” because of reading your blog and watching your amazing videos. Thank You Matthew for how you help women all over the world.

    Dear XXX,

    So, I have been thinking and I need to tell you what……..

    After the last few weeks and a couple of conversations in the past and one recently, I don’t think it’s wise for me to see you anymore. While it’s mostly fun to see you on the occasions I do, it’s just not what I’m looking for and I don’t feel it’s fair. We obviously have a lot of chemistry and always did, but that is just not enough for me at this point in my life.

    I’m not trying to offend you, anger you or invoke some sort of reaction from you. Seeing someone occasionally, not really having conversations and having all the restrictions you set in place doesn’t make me feel good about the situation. I did try, but I guess I’m not cut out for what you are fine with in your life.

    I have wanted to tell you this for a while, but had hoped with time you might feel differently. It’s become clear to me that we are in very different places in life. I’d like to spend more time with one person and be able to travel with them, go away on weekends, have regular dates, hang out, talk, maybe go on a random swan boat ride, and feel like I have someone who appreciates, respects and cares for me just as much as I do for them. I want to feel like I am valuable to someone and not just an afterthought or someone who fills an occasional physical void. I want someone who understands I am independent but still want to be treated like a lady and need a man to be a man.

    I’m not ready to just give up and resign myself to the idea that all I deserve is casual sex. To me, it’s like having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without the jelly. Kinda dry and unsatisfying….
    I think there is more and if I just see you as things stand now and keep thinking it’s all there is out there, that’s all I’m going to get.

    “Life is a team sport, and with the right person by your side, you will always win the game.” I hope someday that you find the right person, because underneath all the exterior toughness and high cement walls, I think there is a great guy who could be so much happier if he actually let someone in. I knocked and knocked at various times over the last decade, but you didn’t open the door. Let someone in …….when you meet them and they’re right.



    1. So brave if you to send that!!!
      Written from a high value place even I was somehow feeling that I missed out on truly amazing person ☺️
      This guy is out there for you! You are on the right path you just need to follow it!
      Lots of love for you even I don’t know you but I know enough from this letter to know that you are a caring kind person who see’s the best in people and who has a huge heart to support and love people! I love that you support yourself just as much now!
      Xxx Laura

  • OMG such a beautiful email it gave me goosebumps.
    It’s written with a lot of honesty but also kindness. It’s really made me think…
    You definitely deserve someone who will really SEE you and never let you go.
    Lots of love

  • I’m actually in a point in our relationship where I’m starting to doubt everything.

    We’ve been together for 5 years then we broke up. I tried my best to move on from him and I ended up liking someone else (which I don’t know if he’s going to like me back or not). However, me and my ex became in good terms. We’re back together again but I can’t shake off my feelings for the new guy. Then I came across this post and I realized that I’m doing all this with / to my bf (ex).
    I’m always confused with him. Or maybe I’m just trying to justify my reasons why I kept on liking the new guy.

    I really don’t know what to think. Please help!

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