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How to Make 2024 the Year You FIND LOVE

 

Want to find love in 2024?

Now is the time when everyone is making New Year’s resolutions. It’s fun and I love that feeling of optimism before January begins.

But we also know how hard it is to break old habits and patterns—and end up feeling a sense of failure and frustration if we don’t reach our goals . . .

In today’s new video, I share with you the #1 resolution you should focus on this year to move toward a successful love life.

You’ll learn how to identify some of the deeper fundamental beliefs that may be working against you and how to start unwiring them.

So whether you’re feeling broken, hopeless, frustrated, or just ready for a fresh start . . .

this New Year’s message is for you.


This is normally the time of year where people begin to make resolutions or have already made resolutions about things that they want to change in 2024. Those resolutions tend to be around things that ultimately, we would like to achieve. Many people watch this channel because they want to find love, they want to be more confident, they want to feel more attractive in themselves, they want to work on their self-worth.

But I suppose the way I’d like to start this year is, in some ways . . . it feels a little antithetical to the idea of resolutions. Because I think one of the big problems with New Year’s resolutions is that they assume we are starting with a new operating system, and that the operating system we have—that we’re starting with in 2024—has these capabilities that can run the new programs we are going to start.

So a resolution is like a new program. I want to run this new program. Whether it’s waking up earlier, going to the gym, attacking my dating life differently, approaching people differently when it comes to love. Those are new programs that we want to run. 

And we may have a resolution that says, “Run the new program,” but what we have to understand is that we’re still carrying the old operating system into the new year. Just because the calendar year ticked over into a new one, it doesn’t mean we now get given a new operating system for the year.

So, what happens with resolutions a lot is we try and run this new program on an old operating system. You know, it maybe works for a couple of days or for a few hours and then it stops working. It starts glitching. Why is that?

For anyone who is watching this and wants to not simply watch my videos on YouTube, which I very much appreciate, but actually wants to come on a coaching journey with me to get results faster in your love life, I have a free event called Dating With Results that you can watch right now.

In it, I show you the reasons we’re struggling so much in love and I help you understand the practical things that you can start doing this week to find love faster. Come over to datingwithresults.com. You can watch this event for free. This is not a paid ticket event, it’s just my way of giving you something practical and substantial that can help you exponentially in your love life if it’s a priority for you right now. Go over to datingwithresults.com, and I’ll see you over there for this amazing event.

The operating system that we have right now is most likely the one that we have had for a very, very long time, since we were children, since that operating system was initially formed. And that operating system has given us all sorts of patterns that show up in our life today.

Maybe it’s a pattern of people-pleasing that we have. And that goes all the way back to a parent figure we were trying to get love from. Maybe someone who taught us that we needed to do things in order to feel love, that we needed to achieve or be somebody or perform, that we had to work for their love, that that love was conditional. That stayed with us. That imprint was left. A faulty imprint that said we had to do things in order to be worthy of somebody else’s love—that we weren’t enough as we were.

And as a child, we don’t recognize that that’s not true. It just gets received as truth: “Ah, I need to do these things for somebody in order to be loved.” And so we take that into our lives in all sorts of ways. We may not realize it; we may have never done that kind of introspection. Few people have, and that’s understandable. We either don’t have the tools or we don’t have the money to work with people who might give us those tools or might help us understand those insights.

But these things are governing all of our choices all of the time. And so, in that case, you have the person who spends their life pleasing other people, fawning over other people, which is a typical trauma response. We have those different responses: fight, flight, freeze, shut down, or fawn—fawn being the typical people-pleasing response, and it’s one response to stress.

Maybe our nervous system as a child learned that in order to survive, we needed to please, and as a child, the stakes really are that high for us. We need to survive. We need other people to survive. So, when we’re in an environment where we’re trying to survive, we learn certain mechanisms.

In adulthood, we no longer realize that it’s not necessary to please this person that we’re on date three with to survive, but the inner child still feels like it’s necessary to survive—still terrified of losing that love or that person and what that might mean. And so we go into our familiar pattern. That’s the operating system.

Other people grew up in an unstable home. They had to manage the peace. They had to be the diplomat, tread on eggshells around people so as not to upset anyone. They had to tend to emotionally-immature caregivers who weren’t able to perform in their role. 

And so you had to be the adult as a child in that relationship. You had to be the peacekeeper. And then you grew up learning to subjugate your needs in life. Because what do you do if you grow up in a household like that? You learn that there’s no space for your needs. You’re managing the needs of everybody else. And then you go into life worrying about other people’s needs all the time and never bringing forward your own. I’ve seen this pattern time and time again in dating with people who are constantly worried about the other person or what they can do for the other person, how they can tend to their needs, but are terrified of ever bringing up their own needs or what they want because their operating system says there’s no space for that.

The realization is that we are still today being governed by those historic forces, by this wiring that we didn’t choose, this wiring that was created in a time where we weren’t consciously choosing any of it. We were just getting by. We were just surviving. We were just trying to get the love that we needed. That wiring is still there and that wiring is not our fault.

I find that to be one of the most helpful realizations as you go into a new year. There will actually be wiring that is working against you in the things that you want. I know that sounds like a devastating realization and a depressing realization to think that there’s some way that your brain has been formed that is working against you, but I actually find it one of the greatest recipes for self-compassion that there is.

You know, I’ve spent 15 years doing this and I have a membership where people join me and they tell their stories, and there will always be other people listening to the story going, “Why did they do that? Why would they ever fall for a person that terrible? Why would they think that continuing to overinvest in this person who’s giving nothing back is a good idea? Why did they ignore that red flag?”

These things are very easy to say from the sidelines when it’s not us, because that’s that person’s wiring. And our wiring can make us do things that seem so obviously wrong, or are bad decisions from the outside, and it can make us feel a lot of shame, because we go, “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep falling for these kinds of people? Why do I keep making these same mistakes in my dating life? Why do I keep ignoring these red flags that in hindsight seem so obvious? Why do I keep being so afraid of rejection? Why do I cling on to people like I’m going to die if they abandon me?”

And that “What is wrong with me?” is a source of tremendous shame. It makes us feel like we’re not good enough, or we’re stupid, and it makes us embarrassed to even speak about the decisions we’ve made or the things we’ve done. And maybe worst of all, it makes us feel like we’re broken, like we’re never going to be okay: “There’s just something irreversibly wrong with me that’s baked into my being, the DNA of who I am, and it’s never going to change.” And that creates hopelessness.

We all have something that for us may as well be the hardest thing in the world, when for someone else, it was like learning to walk when they were a toddler. They learned to walk. We didn’t learn to walk in that area. So it may be easy to other people, but to us, it feels like the hardest thing in the world in that moment. It feels like something we don’t know how to do.

If we’ve never been vulnerable, then we need to learn the basics of being vulnerable. If we’ve never had standards, then we need to learn the very basics of standing up for ourselves and being there for ourselves or defending ourselves. If we’ve never asked for what we want, then we need to learn the basics of asking for what we want because we may as well be a toddler in that area.

There are other areas where we’re extremely advanced, but understanding this, to me, is the key to being kinder to ourselves, because we begin to realize that, “It is not easy for me to change, and if it was easy for me to change, I would have changed it a long time ago.”

We live in a world where everyone’s promising change overnight, but the reality is the kind of changes I’m talking about here, they don’t happen overnight. They’re rewiring a lifetime of conditioning.

And so, how do you do that? Well, you start with compassion. Yes, it’s our responsibility to change these things. It’s not our fault that those things were there, but it is our responsibility to change them about ourselves. But I believe that that change is much more effective when it’s layered on a foundation of compassion.

I keep doing these things because there was a time in my life where this thing was necessary for my survival, where it kept me safe somehow. It was a defense against whatever it is I was dealing with at an age where I should probably never have been responsible for having to deal with that in the first place. And that was my best attempt at dealing with it back then that I’m still using today. And it’s way out of date, but at this point, it’s all I know. That’s compassion. And then when we have that compassion, we can start to say, “Well, what might help me step out of this way of being?”

One of the things that, as I lead into the new year with you, I’m really thinking about a lot is this concept of slow but real progress. If we go on a journey together where we are making real change by starting to rewire our brains and the way we operate, the way we think, the way we respond to situations, then we will start to construct new beliefs and those new beliefs become the fuel for a different kind of life, and then we create a new reality with it.

And that’s something that we’re probably not going to do in the next couple of weeks, but it’s something that we can make huge, huge headway on in the next year together.

One of the ways I’m doing that with people is my new book that’s coming out in April called Love Life, and if you haven’t pre-ordered a copy, I urge you to do that, because I have entire chapters in that book that I’ve written based on what I’m talking about, because it’s on my mind so much these days. 

Although I haven’t talked a lot about this stuff on YouTube or in other places, I’ve poured it into the book because the book is really a representation of where I’m going with my coaching and what I’m thinking about a lot. And I think you’ll really enjoy it if you’re enjoying this video and if it’s speaking to you. We’ll leave a link for you to go and check that out. It’s at lovelifebook.com. Also, when you pre-order, you’ll get a lot of really cool bonuses over the coming months that are just for people who pre-order.

Some of you will want to take a bigger journey with me. Later this year, I have a Retreat in September where we’re going to go away for six days together in Florida. For anyone who wants to do that deep work with me, go to mhretreat.com. 

But even if you’re just here watching the videos with me this year, I want you to set aside this idea of immediate shifts by taking on a resolution. Now that’s going to be different, and instead say, “What are the patterns that consistently cause me pain in my life? What are the patterns that seem to follow me into every year no matter what resolutions I make? And what can I begin to do to start to unravel some of that old wiring and start to create some new wiring that is going to serve me differently going into this year?”

I would love if—and I think this would be a beautiful exercise for us all to go through—you leave me a comment letting me know what pattern you want to work on this year, and not just a pattern that you want to make yourself accountable for changing, but a pattern you want to give yourself compassion for having in the first place.

Remember the first step: Give yourself compassion. You didn’t create that pattern back when it started. The situation that you were forced to deal with did, but we can be empowered to change it this year.

So, what’s that pattern for you? I’ll give you mine because I believe in being vulnerable here with you. Before I went and got married, before I went on my honeymoon, I was just finishing writing my book, I had to run my Live Retreat, and I was going to get married, and although these were all wonderful things, I really got myself so stressed that I was on the verge of burnout. And I kept telling myself that when I got back from my honeymoon, I would feel peace again, and I would no longer feel like I was burning out.

And what happened was I got back from my honeymoon, and within a week, I found a way to get stressed again. Even though the wedding was over and it was a success, even though my book had been written, even though my Retreat was already done, and all of those things were great, I came home and I went straight to stress again.

And the reality is that’s not because there were all these things to continue stressing about, it’s because my nervous system is wired for stress and it looks for ways to get stressed. Can you relate? It looks for things that it can latch on to to get me stressed again because that’s my comfort zone, that’s my natural state, and if I’m being honest with myself, it’s been a state that I’ve been used to my entire life.

So, that’s my pattern going into this year that I’m working on. What’s yours? Leave me a comment. I’m excited to read these comments. Of all the videos I’ve released this year, I feel like this could be the video with the most vulnerable and enlightening and really community-driven comments section, because it can make us all feel like we’re not alone by reading each other’s comments here.

I am so grateful that you have all been with me this last year. I really appreciate your patience as I’ve been writing this book. I am so excited for all of the things that we’re going to do together this year.

Now that I’ve written this book, I am so excited to make more YouTube videos, to create more podcasts, to keep bringing you new ideas, things that are helping me, things that are helping me to grow. 

I’m in an interesting stage of my life where I’m looking at the things that have been shaping and driving me my whole life and how they’re not serving me and how I can change those. 

And I promise you that while I’m on that journey, which in some ways I’m still a beginner on and I’m learning as I go, I promise you to just keep bringing everything that I’m finding useful for me to you. So, thank you. Welcome to a new year. I love you guys. I look forward to reading your comments.

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40 Replies to “How to Make 2024 the Year You FIND LOVE”

  • The pattern that I want to work on most in the new year is to get out and meet new people on my own. I spend time with my friends doing activities but that doesn’t allow me the opportunity to meet new people, especially single men. I would like to build relationships with new people to broaden my horizons and have new and exciting experiences with and hopefully, meet a wonderful partner to experience life with.

  • The pattern I’d like to work on/have compassion around is adaptability. Matt Hussey said something years ago that stuck…”why would I be attracted/drawn to someone that isn’t attracted/drawn to me.” Intellectually, rationally that clicked and makes sense. Sometimes it works and I can “walk away.” But not always.

    I’ve realized that I’m not, in fact, attracted to such a man—the pattern is more about wishing that particular man were different… the pattern is that my brain has trouble adapting to the actual reality (rather it stays in cycle of wishing/lament).

    Wishing a situation (love or otherwise) were a different way. (classic Buddhist suffering lol)…
    Instead of how some folks (w/o this particular challenge) seem able to more quickly “adapt” to an unplanned change or reality and therefore move on to healing or move on with life…to successfully say and act from: “ok this man/situation is disappointing, but it’s reality so I’m gonna move ahead to healing, feeling better, etc.”

    When I try to heal/face reality, etc. my brain/OS often pulls me back to lament/wishing which impedes healing or problem solving.

  • The pattern I want to work on in the New Year is my attachment anxiety. I started dating men again in 2023 after a failed marriage, then a relationship heartbreak. And it has been a great year!! But as soon as I start to really like a guy – I become afraid he will abandon me, as that is the pattern I am used to. I am currently seeing someone amazing who enhances my life … I would love him to stay, but I’m going to try not to become fearful, but to simply enjoy the moment. By following your wisdom this year Matthew I am learning that there is an abundance of potential love out there, but I need to trust it to come to me and stay by choice.
    Wishing you a wonderful New Year!

    1. I could have written your paragraph myself, I’m “senior”, had a very accomplished career and thrive when I share experiences with people I love. After a divorce some 25 yrs ago, I dedicated myself to my children and career and only in the last couple of year started dating. I found I was trusting, even naive, and very susceptible to men who fawned over me. They loved my independence and success and there was a strong attraction. The problem is that I let my heart open more and more, worked hard to “please” and feared abandonment. What I found was that I was doing the giving and they did the taking , both times being emotionally unavailable to a real relationship. It soon became time together on their time and they sensed I wanted more intensity than they did. Perhaps they were right. They could “love” but didn’t want a relationship a it was seen as confining and reminiscent of earlier failed long term marriages. I ended up feeling rejected, “not enough” or “needy” realizing that many want that fun independent woman but not one with real needs including an emotional commitment. I haven’t found the way to deal with all this. And am close to giving up since I want to avoid heartbreak.

      1. I’m also at this stage of my life. I always remind myself that I have to allow myself to make mistakes with life and dating, whilst holding on to that clipboard (boundaries) tightly – never settle. Happiness and certainty is not a destination, it’s found in the journey. Good luck to us and keeping life light and fun! ✨

      2. Don’t give up char I’ve been exactly the same but am working on understanding why I act this way and then creating new ways of dealing with it. I’ve realised today why I act that way and this time around I won’t settle. My needs aren’t being met in my current situationship so I’m going to walk away. Last year in a similar situation I hung on for another 4 months, being available for a man who wasn’t making me his priority. Now I find myself in the same situation again – well I’m not going to make the same mistake it’s time to change!! Lots of love to you

      3. Char I relate I too seem to attach myself to men that are emotionally unavailable and only want a “casual” relationship aka friend with benefits. I go into it thinking I could change their mind and I end up getting hurt every time. I’ve also come to the point where I want to give up to avoid heartache. There is a gentleman that I have been messaging through a dating app and part of me does not want to continue it because I fear that I will get hurt again. It’s a cycle that I don’t want to repeat. I don’t want to give up on love, but I also fear being hurt again.

  • Thankyou so much. My learned patterns are passed down from a family of female codependants. Self acceptance through people pleasing to the extent my whole being suffers. I have done alot of work around boundaries this past 2 years but again got emotionally and physically depleted in a relationship which red flags I tried to make amber for too long. I moved the goal posts for his anxious attachment so much but it was never ever enough !!. I left today new year’s eve. I want this year to work on trusting myself. Believing im worth respect. I allow manipulation to leave me second guessing. Happy new year to you all

  • Hi Matthew and team. I’m currently going through a divorce from my college sweetheart (22years together, 14 married), and it has had a lot of ups and downs. One of the things I’m really struggling with is negative self talk. Questioning whether I’m doing the right thing, did I do everything I could do for the marriage, and then the fear and excitement of what’s ahead of me once the divorce is finalized. It feels scary to think about dating again at 41, but I’m also confident I will find an amazing man to share my next life chapter.
    I’d like to strive towards giving myself compassion to recognize better when my mind starts going down the rabbit hole of negativity, and pull it back to the positives, self-affirmations and hope for the future. That way I’ll be better able to move forward, find myself and when I’m ready, a new love partner. Thanks for listening.

    1. I’m going through similar to you and sounds like I’m at a similar stage in life with fear of dating see my comment below under anonymous. I wish all the luck in the world in finding a new love keep trying things will get better. I believe I will find someone again or the one I lost and still love will eventually see sense and come back to me. Take Care X

  • I hide behind being busy. I have an incredible to do list. Thanks to MH – I have lovely little buttons and daily items that make me feel better. I want connection. I want to love again and be loved.
    I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself for the past few years (after a rough relationship of 10yrs) and yet I have not stepped over that line of ‘getting in the game’….Not sure how to be vulnerable again.
    I flirt with the waiters, the people checking me out of the grocery store, bank – yep its fun.
    But I have not been able to look at another person as a potential mate – i still put up a wall around myself and I don’t go deep.

  • My pattern is pouring myself into people who do not give back (“chasing the avoidants”). My intention is to learn how to give more space in this context. The space will either allow for people to reciprocate, or will allow for me to recognize that it is not a relationship I should be pushing more energy into.

  • I have ADHD and I want to do a lot of things, however I nearly always end up doing nothing because it becomes too overwhelming. There’s also a lot of shame and expectancy to be perfect due to my childhood, therefore I refrain from attempting big projects. I probably need to start something without telling anyone.

  • Mine is leading with my heart so much so, I get Blinded and ignore Red Flags. This last boyfriend was an actor. He did everything right until he didn’t. I didn’t see that he would project if I would ask him about something that I knew he wouldn’t be truthful with me. We broke up.Christmas day.

  • When I feel I really like someone I start feeling anxious and pay attention to every little detail about them and how they treat me to “find” something wrong and then I sabotage the relationship, when things end I feel intense pain and I repeat the cycle again with the same or other person

  • Wow this resonates with me so much, I grew up with a mother who had mental health issues and regularly had long spells in hospital, so I took her place as mum, cleaner, cook, shopper etc – I was strong and I coped but I’ve spent a life with men who are weak who need me to be the strong one.. so that’s what I want to work on, finding my equal, a man who doesn’t need looking after, who doesn’t need me to be strong (it’s exhausting) and I won’t continue to make the wrong dating choices and put my needs second all the time. Thanks Matthew for giving me this lightbulb moment on 1st January

  • I’m going through a similar thing to Becca above except my partner decided she no longer wanted to be with me after 26 years, we met at college and used to do everything together and were best friends and have two teenage kids together which makes it even more complicated and complex. I have no family here as we moved to another continent. But when she told me she no longer wanted to be in the relationship it brought my world crashing down, I have spent every day for the past 2 years thinking about what I did wrong and self-doubt that I was good enough and I tried from my end to save things but she was not interested. We will be going to mediation shortly to finalise our financial settlement and she is in a better position than me as I gave up on my career to look after the kids. I am struggling with the loneliness of no one to talk to about how I feel. I even reached a point where I nearly took my own life. Last year was full of lots of changes in trying to survive and this year I want to build on where I’m at including a new career and a new house. I know some of her issues are from her childhood her broken family and how her stepdad treats her but I still feel like she still secretly still loves me but could no longer live with me because of the arguments.
    I am scared to ever trust again for fear of being rejected again but I know I deserve happiness and as I’m nearing 50 it’s very hard to start again and worry that time is running out. I never thought I would be in this position so late in life but that’s the game of life it’s like rolling a dice of not knowing what you will get. I have not been on a date for 28 years and dating apps scare me for fear of rejection. with the flick of the finger. While I know I need to be happy with myself first I find it hard to be happy when I’m so lonely.

  • Happy New Year!!! To look after myself and my family + close friends, and everyone/everything else (e.g. work, dates, colleagues,…) is secondary and less important. My needs are the most important to me (that’s really hard to say for me, and even harder to live).

  • I relate to what you said, finding things to stress over. I also feel like I had to have an adult mindset early in life. I’ve never felt truly supported. And now I feel like I either self sabotage or keep it surface level. I don’t allow myself out of the perimeters needed to break through. In a jail I put myself trying to stay safe, to stay comfortable. And still getting no closer to what I want. I want to not care what others think, I want to have the courage to live & not just be alive. I want to break my pattern of timidity. I want to break the pattern of not saying what I really mean half the time. I want to feel worthy & loved…. Properly.

  • For me, it’s people pleasing. Growing up, I felt like I always had to make up for who I was because I frequently received the message that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and I had to work harder to be loved and appreciated. They didn’t really look for autism in little girls, so my shortcomings (social, etc.) were chalked up to other things, like my hypothyroidism, which was diagnosed at age 5. But that people-pleasing tendency has impacted every relationship I’ve had, including the marriage that ended after 21 years and even my relationships with my kids. I want to break this pattern and to make real progress with that in 2024.

  • Hi all. What are my patterns of behavior? I’m trying to please all and show how ‘good I am, how :
    Clever
    Hard-working
    Kind
    Sensitive
    Brave……
    I let myself into all kinds of relationships: friendly’ and romantic ‘diving deep looking for approval, attention, and love. And then I can feel that people occasionally see me as desperate or lonely because I don’t have a man by my side.
    And what I do with men is that I dive in when I feel physical attractiveness and I give it to them thinking that it will be a good beginning and they will feel me throughout and it will make them stay to share all others ‘qualities’ I have. But they take what they need cause it’s great to have sex with a gentle and attractive woman. And when the night comes to an end I am left alone thinking about how naive and silly I am every time.
    I don’t know where to begin, I’m
    conscious about self-love but not sure if I am on the right track because I feel sadness all the time even when I’m happy about good things in my life.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I have struggled with all the same things you wrote but never can express to anyone; especially myself. It makes me sad that there are so many people with truly good hearts that want to see the good in everyone. Wearing our hearts on our sleeves is not only scary but BRAVE. Please know that reading all these posts and listening to MH videos has given me so much more power to help me learn, develop and master this crazy life where all we want is to love and be loved for the beautiful soul we are. You aren’t alone!!! –

  • The pattern I need to work on is the people pleaser. I have listened to a couple of life coaches in the last couple of weeks and today Matthew. I have realized that my most serious relationship(which I am no longer in) I was the people pleaser and why I stayed so long. I wanted to please him, stayed longer than I should’ve thinking no one else will want me, I’m comfortable, I can adapt, I can live with this or that. Until I said no I can’t and got out. I didn’t immediately go into this new situation but I’m in it now. It’s taken me a minute to realize listening to Matthew at times I’m people pleasing again. I really need to learn when one boundary doesn’t need to be in place then change it to please myself as well not just him. To stop the people pleasing.

  • Top priorities…not revealing too much about myself too fast…acting on my intuition when I see a red flag…being open to considering men outside of my typical “type” and in the early phase of a connection not over idealizing and giving it too much value until it’s earned reciprocally

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