Overnight, your life has turned into one of those romantic movie montages that show the highlight reel of a perfect relationship, except instead of the montage spanning a year or two, it’s hitting those milestones after a few weeks.
And then, of course, it happens . . . he starts to pull away, and before you know it, he vanishes completely.
If this sounds familiar, then this video is for you as I share 3 tests that will help you spot a love bomber.
Do you have a love-bombing experience of your own? Drop me a note in the comments . . . I want to hear about it and whether you found this helpful.
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How do you spot a love bomber? Is the person you are seeing right now love bombing you? Or are they just some sort of wonderful romantic that you should be throwing yourself into the arms of and enjoying all of the beautiful feelings that are being created? Let’s perhaps first define a love bomber.
A love bomber is a sort of love vampire. They know that love is both the objective and the weapon. The objective, because love is that feeling they’re trying to get, and it could be different forms of love. It could be making love, it could be sex. Or it could be the giddy feelings that they really enjoy in the early stages of a relationship. Treating you like you’re some sort of fresh canister of love to be used up like an aerosol. And then, when you’re running empty, they move on to the next person and get the giddy feeling all over again.
They use love as a weapon because the way that they create those giddy feelings is to give them to you, is to give a huge amount of energy and investment early on to tell you very grandiose, dramatic things about how wonderful you are, about how strong their feelings are. They do things that aren’t earned at the level of relationship you are at with them. All in pursuit of a stage of connection that is not organic to where you are right now. It’s kind of a hack, isn’t it? If I can get you to fall in love really quickly, if I can get you to feelings of love really quickly, then you’ll start doing for me, the kinds of things that you wouldn’t normally do this early in the game. Which might mean more attention, more sex, more investment, or just a portrait of myself that feeds that feeling I want to get about how wonderful I am. If I can make you fall in love really quickly, then I get to feel awesome.
I get to prove yet again, that another person has fallen for me this hard, which is especially desirable in people who don’t feel enough themselves. If they can make you fall in love, then it’s the latest representation, the latest evidence for the fact that “I am enough”. The problem, of course, with someone like this is, because they don’t feel enough, because they are in pursuit of something that can never be achieved that way, it’s never enough. So your love is never enough. They will keep searching for it and searching for it and searching for it. Even if you give it to them, they still won’t feel good enough, they still won’t feel whole. So they start looking for it elsewhere and the cycle continues. This is a very dangerous person to be around.
Not every love bomber is incredibly conscious about the fact that they’re doing it. I would actually argue that, in the real world, it’s not filled with these malicious love bombers. I would say that, in real life, there are lots of people who don’t realize that this is their pattern of behavior. I think that a lot of people use someone up and then move on to the next person because they don’t feel satisfied at the end of it. And they think that what they’re looking for must be available in the form of a different person. So they keep doing the same thing over and over again, hurting people deeply, breaking people’s hearts, and not being able to fix the pattern of behavior in themselves in the process.
But this video isn’t about empathizing with that kind of person, who I do still believe deserves empathy. It’s about protecting you from that kind of energy that can not only waste incredible amounts of your energy and time, but can leave real wounds that you then have to heal from.
I wanted to give you three tests in this video that will allow you to know if the person you’re seeing right now is a love bomber or someone who can make you happy.
Test number one: is the level of attention you are getting from this person or the words they’re saying organic to where you are actually at with this person? If you go on a date with someone and all of a sudden they’re writing you poetry and saying these very grandiose things. If they’re going well out of their way for you in ways that feel like, “My God, why are they doing all of this?” Or they say things about their feelings for you, or about how incredible you are when you know, “You don’t even know me that well, I can’t possibly feel accepted and loved by you when you only know a tiny slither of who I am.”
If that’s the case, then we have to have our wits about us. Because what we’re receiving from someone is not based on us, is based on a projection of who someone thinks we are, or of who they’ve decided we are so that they can feel a certain way. It doesn’t mean we are not wonderful. It just means at this stage, how they feel or how they’re saying they feel can’t possibly be personal on the deepest level, because they don’t know us on the deepest level. The danger with a projection like this is we are not safe, their feelings aren’t based on a real connection. It’s based on something they want to feel. And it won’t be until they actually get to know us that we’ll know whether that feeling is sustainable or not.
Now, look, is it true that some people are just romantics? Some people just, they’re more flowery in their language. They feel intensely and they want to express it. Sure. And that doesn’t always come with bad intentions. It’s also true, by the way, that some people are insecure and they want to go out of their way to make you happier, to please you, because they want you to like them. While what you’re experiencing from them might be an indicator of how they’re feeling right now, it’s not a good predictor of whether that feeling is going to last once they actually get to know you. What this point proves, if anything, is that when someone moves in an inorganic pace, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a love bomber. But there is a way, if you’re starting to feel uneasy about the pace of things, that you can confirm whether they’re a love bomber, and that is with test number two: do they react badly when you try to slow it down?
If you feel the pace is too fast for you, and you say that to them, “Hey, I like you. I’m having a great time, but I feel like this is a little fast for me. Or I want to get to know you a little better before that. Or before we take a trip together, or before we do some of the things you’re suggesting. Or I don’t have every night this week to see you. I’m going to see my friends and I have other things I’m going to do this week, but I’d love to see you on Saturday.” If you say those things, how do they react? Do they get angry? Bad sign. Are they frustrated? Bad sign. Or do they just not listen? Do they say, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can go slower. There’s no problem. But you know, I really, really want to see you. Why don’t we go to Italy this weekend?” In which case, you know they’re not listening at all. Now, the reason they’re getting angry or frustrated or not listening is because they want a feeling. That’s what they’re in the market for.
They’re not in the market for a real relationship, which is built on listening to someone, which is built in an organic progression of getting to know each other better. They are in it for the feeling. They’re like a junkie wanting their fix. Don’t get in the way of my fix and if you do, you are going to be the target of my frustration and my anger.
Test number three: they don’t apply the basic rule of invest in who invests in you. Now let me explain this. I have said for years to people, if you want to protect yourself in love, don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in a person based on how much they invest in you. Investing in someone based on how much you like them is a recipe for masochism.
When someone is investing in you, and you not investing on that same level doesn’t make them say, “You know what? I’m going to settle down a bit, because I’m probably coming in a little hot for them. I’m going to meet them where they are.” If it doesn’t make them do that, if they continue with their love offensive of bombarding you with all of their grandiosity and their big words and their big gestures. In spite of the fact that you are not giving the same to them, then it’s not the result of a genuine mutual connection. It’s them trying to get something. Think about it. When a guy approaches a woman cold, in a bar, in a coffee shop, in any part of life, for most men, that’s a little scary. It’s not the easiest thing in the world. It’s actually a very normal, natural thing for a guy to feel some fear about approaching someone because he doesn’t want to get rejected.
The kind of guy that goes through life brazenly approaching everyone with zero fear. It could be seen as ultimate confidence, or it could be seen as a sign of something else, a kind of level of detachment, an ability to just see someone as a target. And it’s just about the result, “But I don’t even care if I get rejected because I’m not even connected to it in that way.” And ladies, you can tell me in the comments, if this bears out for you, when you look at your history and guys that have been that way. Did it turn out to be a bit of a red flag that they had absolutely zero fear in the beginning about talking to you? That they didn’t take no for an answer? Did that turn out to be something to worry about? My guess is, in several situations in your life, it did, where you can think about the love bomber in the same way.
A healthy relationship is one where someone tries and the other person tries and they go, “Oh, that was nice. That’s been rewarded. This person feels the same way. I’m going to keep trying.” If you’re in a situation where someone goes, “I’m going to do all of this for you.” And then you go, “Hmm.” If they then keep going, “I’m going to keep doing all of this for you.” That’s not a sign of a real or a healthy connection. If they don’t even feel rejected by you not giving as much, then they don’t have that normal kind of skin in the game. What they’re trying to do is just bombard you, bombard you, bombard you, bombard you. And if they don’t get what they want from you, they’ll simply go and get it from the next person.
Now, if you want to avoid all of this nonsense this year, if you would like nothing more than just to find a healthy relationship with an amazing human being. I have just the thing for you. It’s a 90 minute free training that I’m hosting on the 19th of April called Dating With Results, which gives you a roadmap for finding a real relationship and avoiding the casual trap, the game playing and all of the toxicity that we so often find in the wild west of dating today.
I want to invite you to join me. It’s going to be a lot of fun. We’ve had 20,000 people take this live training already. And this, if you missed the first two times, is your chance to experience it. Go to DatingWithResults.com to reserve your spot. Again, it’s totally free. So what do you have to lose? Before you go, don’t forget to ‘Like’ the video, subscribe to the channel and hit the notification bell, so that you don’t ever miss a video.