If You Want More From Someone Who’s Not Ready DO NOT CHASE Do THIS Instead

Have you ever dated someone who’s so hard to stay away from EVEN THOUGH they’re not interested in a relationship and you know you should keep your distance? When you’re in this vulnerable position, the hope that they may change and that things could be different is what drags you back in.

So how can you break this cycle once and for all? Don’t miss today’s brand-new video

Join the Challenge & Improve Your Confidence With Me.
Reserve Your Spot for FREE by Signing Up Below . . .


Before we get into the video, I wanted to let you know the 30-Day Confidence Challenge is happening in just a couple of days. So this is your last chance to sign up. Go over to MHChallenge.com to sign up for free. Literally put it in your browser right now while I’m talking. Type in MHChallenge.com and sign up for free now, and I will see you this coming Thursday on the 13th for our live coaching kickoff call. Now onto the video.

“Matt, the person I’ve fallen for says they’re not ready, but they keep wanting to stay in touch and won’t let me go. I’m naturally anxiously attached and I’m suffering every day having him in my life, but knowing he doesn’t want a relationship with me. I’ve tried doing no contact and staying away, but it never lasts. I end up reaching out to him or replying to his messages to me, and everything gets rekindled. Help.”

So let’s start with some important fundamentals about this. You’re in a situation where the other person’s vision is different from yours. In this case, his vision is, “I don’t want a relationship right now. I’m not ready.” And yours is that you absolutely do want a relationship. Now, that immediately puts you on someone else’s timeline, not on your own. So we have to start by seeing that for what it is. It’s a departure from what you want for yourself by keeping this person in your life or by allowing them to keep you in theirs.

Now, the fact that this person doesn’t want a relationship or doesn’t feel ready doesn’t make them a bad person. In fact, it would probably be easier if this was a bad person. It would make things more clear-cut, but when someone isn’t a bad person, they just want something different from you, it’s very tempting to keep them in your life. When they say, “I don’t want to give you up,” because that’s what happens a lot of the time, right? When someone says they’re not ready, they say, “But I don’t want to lose you. Can we stay in touch? Can we still talk? Can we still be friends?” And all of that just keeps this person in our life. And if you are anxiously attached, then that anxious attachment is going to be on fire during that time because you are close to someone who you’re just suffering all the time because they’re there, but you don’t quite have them. And that part of you that wants to feel secure cannot feel secure in that environment.

See, I believe that whether you are avoidant attachment style or whether you are anxious, you can actually come more to the middle. You may never be the other side of the pendulum, but you can actually come more to the center to that secure attachment style, with the right person. If you are in a safe environment, psychologically, emotionally, if you feel like you’re in an environment where you can heal, then you can be anxiously attached and start to actually feel more secure, and then your best self is going to come out.

I define the right person as the person who by being with them, you actually get the safety whereby you can start to heal some of those things in yourself. The wrong people are the people that take us in the worst possible way to the extreme of our attachment style. Those are the people that I don’t necessarily think they’re bad people, but those are people who are wrong for us because by being with them, they’re going to bring out our worst tendencies at the extreme level.

Now, if you’re anxiously attached, a situation where someone is telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is going to send you to the extreme. So now you are going to be in a situation where you feel like you can’t breathe, where you can’t sleep at night, where your day times are just complete distraction as your attention is monopolized by thoughts and feelings about this person. You’ll struggle to even do some of the most basic things in your day because you’re thinking about them all the time and you’re trying to solve an equation that can’t be solved, which is, “How can I feel safe in an environment that is inherently unsafe?”

That’s the sad part about it is you may be anxiously attached, but you are in an environment where your anxiety isn’t even your fault because this person is telling you, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” They are telling you that, “I’m going to continue to hurt you.” So trying to achieve security and beating yourself up when you don’t feel it, “I wish I felt more confident. I wish I didn’t feel so anxious all the time.” That’s masochism because this person isn’t giving you a reason to feel safe.

Now, I’m not taking away responsibility for the work that we have to do ourselves to make ourselves feel more secure, but what we have to do is accept that there are certain environments in which that is an extraordinarily difficult mission to put ourselves through unnecessarily difficult. So your number one priority right now should be, “I need to create an environment of safety for myself where I can learn to heal, to feel more secure, to breathe again.” Now, you can achieve that safety with someone or without someone, but if it’s going to be with someone, they have to meet your basic needs for safety.

In this example of the woman who asked this question, this man is not meeting her basic needs for safety. So the conversation has to be the next time this person reaches out, “Hey, I can’t be in contact with you for as long as you are confused. If one day, day you’re not confused and I’m still around, let’s talk. But as long as you are confused about what you want with me, because I know what I want, but as long as you are confused about what you want, we can’t be in touch. I can’t have you in my life.” When you say that it’s the beginning of giving yourself that safety.

Now, when you do leave or when you cut that person off in that way and actually have no contact, you’re going to grieve. There’s going to be a period of pain, but you’ll have grief and a growing sense of safety, not just on its own. You will get a sense of relief. You can have grief and relief at the same time when you remove yourself from someone and you stop hoping, but safety isn’t automatic. Safety is something that has to be worked on. We have to work on feeling safe in our bodies. We have to work on being around people that we feel are the kinds of people that give us that sense of security, friends, family, and people we trust. We have to learn to trust ourselves. We have to learn to be okay in our own company. We have to do all the things that are going to make us feel good in our lives and bring us a sense of peace internally.

Like I said, that can still come with a feeling of grief. I lost this person. I’m sad about that unrealized potential that I thought was there. You can grieve, but grieving and safety is so much better than staying with a person who doesn’t really want what you want and having hope and anxiety. The hope is false. The grieving is temporary. When you leave, you will feel some grief, but you’ll also have a growing sense of safety. If you stay, you’ll be staying on hope and you’ll be filled with anxiety, and here’s what I want you to tell yourself. Grief and safety is much, much better than hope and anxiety. Why? Because the hope is false and you will stay in anxiety, but the grief is temporary and you will achieve safety if you do the right things. And not only that, you’ll open up the door to the person that you can experience that safety with in the context of a relationship. It will never happen with someone who tells you they’re not ready, they don’t want a relationship, they’re not sure about you.

Now, the moments where we usually decide enough is enough is when someone has hurt us today, when we’ve realized based on some conversation we’ve had today that they are not changing. We’ve had it for the 100th time, we’ve stood in front of them. We’ve just maybe had an amazing three months with them. We thought everything was changing, and then they turned around and once again told us they’re not ready for something more. And when we experience that, it’s almost like this little thing goes off in our mind that says, “Oh my God, nothing has shifted.” And we access a bit of truth in that moment because despite the beautiful times we’ve just had with them and the fact that we thought we were getting closer and we thought we were making progress and we thought it was finally heading in the direction we want, we suddenly realize that progress hasn’t been made, that fundamentally this person is still where they were the last time they hurt us.

And so when we feel that, the pain of staying there suddenly gets greater than the fear of leaving, and when the scales tip in that direction, we leave, there’s a resoluteness to that. “No more, I cannot do this. I have hit this brick wall for the last time.” Now, here’s what happens, and this is why this particular woman is struggling so much with breaking off from this person, why she keeps going back to him, rekindling things any opportunity she gets, after a couple of weeks or a month is because with distance from the person, from the situation, the scales start to tip in the other direction.

Gradually missing this person, their love, their companionship, their personality, the connection and chemistry we feel with them, that starts to increase. And what decreases is our connection to that truth, the truth of the brick wall, that nothing has actually changed. With distance from the wall, we start to get hope again. We no longer see it as a brick wall. We see it as a possibility. “Maybe, just maybe, maybe this time will be different.” And when the scales tip back in favor of hope, now when we get a message from that person, we’re liable to respond. How do we deal with this?

Here’s a key strategy you can take away with you today. In life, sometimes we connect to a truth, a moment where we connect to what’s real, not hope, not just emotion. We connect to something that’s real. And in that moment where you hit the brick wall and you connect to the fact that this situation is not progressing, that regardless of your connection and your chemistry with this person or even your history with this person, this person does not represent a viable option for your love life, for your time. When you hit that brick wall, that’s like a moment of truth and that moment of truth makes you say, “Enough.”

What we need to do is capture that moment. In that moment where you feel that visceral truth, write it down. Write down what you feel in that moment. Write down your reasons for leaving. Write down what you know to be true. This person has done this yet again, this is where they are in life. This is who they are. This is their level of development and nothing has changed and nothing is about to change. “This is why I’m leaving.” Now when you connect to that and you write it down, it’s like you’re giving yourself the ability to go back to that emotion when you need it, so that when you feel disconnected from that and when you get some distance, you have a way of going back there.

And that’s what’s necessary because just because time has elapsed and just because the emotion of missing someone is heightened, it doesn’t mean that brick wall has changed at all. And that’s the distinction we have to start making, losing the amnesia of the pain, of the suffering, of the immovable wall by connecting to the truth anytime we need it. So the next time you find yourself in that place of truth, record it, write it down so that you can come back to it. And remember, in all of this, you have to start making your time the most prized asset you have because relationships, potential partners are replaceable, but life is not. Your life is irreplaceable and it needs to be treated as such.

I want to take a moment with you before you go anywhere because today’s concept is profoundly important, and you may have had an epiphany right now, a realization about what you need to do, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have weak moments. It doesn’t mean you won’t be tempted to go back in certain moments, to betray yourself because you feel drawn to someone again, even if they’re the wrong person or it’s the wrong behavior. I want to make you strong enough that no matter what, you can stay true to what’s important to you, to your actual vision for your life. Time is your most precious asset, and if in a moment of weakness you go back, you can lose months or years of your life, and that can deprive you from meeting the right person.

Confidence is a muscle we have to strengthen. My goal with you is to get you to a point where you’re so certain of what you deserve, so certain of what your needs are, so certain of what you want, that that compass is always taking you in the right direction regardless of the temptation. One of the ways I can do that with you is something that I am putting on right now in the next few days, which is the 30-Day Confidence Challenge. My aim is to get you to a place in those 30 days where you are strong enough to make or stick to a decision like this, or whatever it is you want to achieve in your life right now. You have that certainty that makes you drive after what you want, or finally, say no to what you don’t want.

On April the 13th, this Thursday, we’re going to have a live kickoff call. I’m going to give you five missions to do over 30 days, and then we’re all going to do them together as part of a live community. It’s going to be an incredible experience. Anyone can take part in this. This is completely free. So if you’ve ever wondered, “Matt, is there something I can take part in that won’t cost me anything, or it’s just easy for me to try out as an actual coaching experience outside of YouTube?” This is your moment.

Come over to MHChallenge.com, sign up for free, and I will see you on the 13th of April. When you do sign up, I’ll send you all of the information for how to access both the live session and the community that we have for this, which is a private community, and we’ll get going together in just a few days. I can’t wait to see you there, MHChallenge.com is the link. Thank you, and I’ll see you soon.

Free Guide

Copy & Paste These
"9 Texts No Man Can Resist"

19 Replies to “If You Want More From Someone Who’s Not Ready DO NOT CHASE Do THIS Instead”

  • Thank you for depicting my exact situation. We’ve been together nearly 5 years, live close together and I do see him often, get calls regularly but he does not move things forward to living together and a real commitment. I get anxious about this, he rarely posts our picture together on FB, when he does, he never puts a “like” under it, says he wouldn’t put the pic on if he felt differently. He’s been there for me at funerals of my own family, including my son. I’m torn all the time about leaving this relationship because I feel I should leave the state to be happy and not see his friends and family.

    1. Lynne, same here! 4 1/2 years , no living together, doesn’t want to get married”yet”. Comes for the weekend. Takes me out for dinner and lunch, eat here too, watch movies, do errands. It’s come up 3 times now and I have the same thoughts. Should I dump him and go live by my family instead of his family that we see twice a month?

      And now he’s looking at getting a job somewhere else. We were apart for a year and I’m not doing that again.
      My ex husband of 30 years knew he wanted to marry me the week after he met me.
      I’m 67 years old, I need to stop sleeping with him. That should bring some clarity to the situation.
      He’s says we’ll be together forever, ya right, then put a ring on it!

    1. You need to rotational date and absolutely stop sleeping with him. Keep him “in your rotation” allow him to step up or step off. Allow other men to step up or step off. Then choose the best offer from all the men who want you and say yes to their proposal. Just like in grandmas day!

  • Matthew the above is exactly where I’m at , guy saying he’s on his way , with someone else but wants to see me , have broke all contact two months now … told him not to text & is still difficult …. But I’ll get there ….will sign up for the 30 day Challenge

  • You are absolutely brilliant! I finally hit the brick wall with my not ready for a real relationship guy and I finally had the courage to tell him that I deserve better and he is not it. 7 years! For the first time I actually feel relieved and hopeful for my future. Thank you thank you thank you! Your support- even though we’ve never met- helped me accomplish this! Many blessings to you and your family on this lovely Easter Sunday! Cheers!

  • Great content and so needed right now. I’ve been paddling my canoe in circles for 4 years. I always think after our 3-4 month break, maybe he’ll figure it this time, but the song remains the same. Thank you for putting it perspective!

  • This is one of your best videos for anyone who still cares for someone and knows in their heart of hearts not to go back but still feels the emotional tug.
    I’ve been watching your videos for several months now. You are 100% right when you say to value our time as it gets more and more precious. I’m a bit older than probably most of your viewers but still learning.

  • I have been in a 2.5 year relationship with a married man who has said from the beginning and continues to say that he loves me and wants a long term relationship with me. He had a serious business setback about a year after we met and were getting closer. Since then, he works long hours and has been trying to put his business in order. He is emphatic that he wants a future with me; but has not yet taken the steps needed for us to be together. He does talk a little bit about the future; but generally says things like he needs to get caught up with his business work; and is “trying to get his ducks in order;”….but nothing moves forward other than he is talking more about the future than he was. So is he really saying he doesn’t want a relationship by not moving forward or could there be legitimate reasons why I should wait? In some ways, 2.5 years seems like a long time but in other ways, it does not. How do you know when what a man is saying is truthful or whether it is just to keep you around. It is confusing me because if he just wanted an affair, there are many other women he could have who would jump at the chance and he knows it. So why stay with me if he is not serious?

    1. He is with you and not another one because he likes you, but liking you is not enough, and it’s not an excuse or enough reason to give up your life and wasting your time. A serious man will not give a space to doubt. I prefer to move on and keep on with your life. Forget him you deserve a better person.
      And put this in your mind the right one for you will never miss you

    2. You need to read the statistics, married men rarely leave. Also, he doesn’t have to because he has you and he knows it. Stop having sex with him and see how long your affair lasts. That will be a real indicator of his interest in you. And it might speed things along with getting those ducks and the ending of his ma all in a row.

  • This video is exactly what i needed to hear.
    It has been about the week i decided not to eat his “crumbles”.
    It all started about half a year ago when we first met. We had our great time and what was important for me he was the one telling me in the beginning he wanted to be in relationship, to commt etc. I realized now it was way too fast for saying smth like that but that time i was happy thinking „finally” some grown up man. Unfortunatelly not. To make the long story short, he decided to left for job in another country but still willing to be friends and seeing each other when he is here. So we did that several times. He never came here Just to meet me though, only when he was around. And within time i realized he was also here sometimes but usually we somehow couldnt even catch up with each other. I was telling him all this situation is not right for me but he was always scared getting those messages (he told me) and in the same time telling me how fantastic i was and he still wanted to be friends etc. The last time he came here, he wanted to see me and of course we didn’t have a chance and the other day, Saturday, he sent me picture of empty apartment he had to leave and this was this moment the pain was too much then the fear of letting him go. Actually pushing away. I told him “ there would be better if you wouldn’t contact me anymore. For me that Saturday this chapter was over”. He never replied to me since then. I was so so sad, I was thinking if this was right thing to say, wasn’t it too sharp, too dramatic? I was feeling guilty (and yes he was a nice guy:) BUT after this video I realized this was the way to cut this. And I’m sure
    With time I wil be better. Thank you.

    1. He is with you and not another one because he likes you, but liking you is not enough, and it’s not an excuse or enough reason to give up your life and wasting your time. A serious man will not give a space to doubt. I prefer to move on and keep on with your life. Forget him you deserve a better person.
      And put this in your mind the right one for you will never miss you

  • Thanks, this really hits the spot. It’s invaluable to have ways of reframing (the point about time being precious) and remembering the reality of the situation so we aren’t pulled back into the false hope. I love how you describe something so personal (we all think we are the only ones experiencing being pulled back into a vortex) to show that it’s actually a universal predicament many of us experience.

  • I had this guy we were happy. There was a chemistry and an in depth communication. But as time goes by, i wanted to have a serious relationship with him although LDR. I set standards, I was so happy. Maybe i set my standards high. I gave time for him to think about our future. Maybe i somehow know that he is not ready. I pressured him. After a week only to find out he is he just wants us to become friends. I tried to talked and not to pressure him. I know this sounds crazy but maybe I somehow chase him. I did my part. But all I got was friendship. I break up with him because its an insult on my part. Like he offered me to go with the flow.. I said i need self respect so he should avoid messaging or calling me so I won’t be confused. Its really sad cause in my heart I thought he is the one for me. He said he wants to focused on his career and he just keep hurting my feelings that is why he just wants me to let go. I wish he will come back to make things right or at least compromise. But how can i do things alone.I want him back like i’m crying every night. Its been 2weeks since we don’t talk communicate. There was twice that he called. Is it right to keep waiting if he’ll change his mind?

  • I was in a “friendship” with a guy who occasionally bounced between flirtatious moments great hugs connection comments. But after a get together to a show; he called but not so often and never found time to get together. Very busy with a company merger for more than a year-understandable. I was very patient but I don’t let people treat me that way. If you want to be my friend or have a relationship with me you need to invest too. So I said I have to say goodbye because after many offers to get together you have avoided in person contact.
    I miss the connection and the depth of conversations though. Did I do the right thing and will he ever try to reconnect?

  • Thank you, I met this man, the first man since my husband had passed away. He was single and it was a beautiful relationship, however, an ex partner has come back into his life and we have now separated. This woman has constantly let him down, but I thought I stood a chance. Then I felt really hurt, so I said I didn’t want to be in touch with him any more. I’ve gone through everything that you have said, grieving,not being able to carry out basic tasks, all as you have said. So I’m ready to complete the 30 Challenge with you. Thank you again, found this at the just the right time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *