When you lose someone, it’s like an emptiness appears in your life that you can’t even remember how you ever filled before you met that person.
Maybe you and your ex fought all the time. Maybe you both were in different stages of your life. Maybe one of you simply made too many mistakes and you had to call it quits.
Now let’s be clear about this: The reason you broke up matters.
If you had a fundamentally unhealthy relationship with your ex, getting back together is probably not going to be a good idea. The only time it will ever be a good idea is when one (or both) of you has fundamentally changed as people and grown out of certain behaviours, be it jealousy, dependence, argumentative and selfish tendencies, or any other destructive habit that was toxic to the relationship.
So what about the question of how to get him back?
Getting Your Ex Back – The Game Plan
First, I want you to think about this very carefully.
Right now, it’s going to feel like your ex is the only person you could possibly be happy with in your entire life. There’s about a 99.9% chance that isn’t true, so make sure this isn’t a trap you’re falling into believing you could never be happy with another person.
I know. I know. That’s easier said than done. At the moment, you’re probably finding it unbearably painful to imagine life without him.
Even if you know there were problems, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Sure, a few things might have been wrong. But SO much was right about us”.
You both had incredible sex. You shared the same passions for both reading AND marathon running. You knew he was a kind, decent, loving person that you could trust like no-one else.
Look, there’s no exact rule on whether you and your ex should still be together. If you want to hear more of my thoughts on this, check out my article on the 3 Honest Truths You Must Read Before You Think About Getting Your Ex Back.
But here are some basic rules depending on how much time has passed since you broke up:
1. How to get him back (if it’s only been a week)
Right now your emotions are all over the place.
You feel loss, loneliness, fear…you’re even probably wondering if you’ll ever feel ok again.
You need to do a few things while the break-up is fresh:
– Write down your thoughts and feelings about the relationship (be really honest – what worked about it, what didn’t work about it. Don’t look at it through rose-tinted glasses.)
– Keep people around you who bring you up and work on building a life of INDEPENDENCE from your ex.
– Have a period of No-Contact with your ex.
Give yourself distance. Put away those photos that remind you of him, stop the social media stalking, and start the process of healing your relationship wound.
After a week, send your ex a “Goodbye Letter”. In this VERY short message, you can do the following (and ONLY the following):
- Acknowledge any hurtful or painful things you did at the end of the relationship
- Be graceful and wish him well
- Say goodbye and accept the relationship is over
These are crucial steps to show to him that you are starting to move on. You can only then re-connect once you’ve built other areas of your life and when one of you has truly recognised the changes they need to make to mend the relationship.
I go through the entire detailed process of this in my Ex Back program, so if you really need examples of how to do this here is my copy-and-paste plan to win him back.
2. How to get him back (if it’s been a few months)
If you’ve been without your ex for longer, you now need to think about a few things:
- Have I made a conscious effort to build a life in which I’m happy without my ex? (if you haven’t do this before ANYTHING else!)
- How can I re-establish contact and create a new first impression?
Once again, in this scenario you need to make sure you’ve had a long enough period of time without your ex so that you can start fresh when you open communication again.
So here are your basic steps:
- Make sure you are living a happy, single life (meet other guys, have passions and hobbies, build a social circle).
- Have a period of No-Contact from your ex (if you’re still talking to him)
- Start contacting him with a low-key, low-investment message e.g. use one of my INTRIGUE texts, such as, “Finally tried that new breakfast place we kept talking about. Best. Toasted Bagels. Ever. Definitely worth the trip. x” (again, I have a ton of examples of this in my Ex Back program).
The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter how long has elapsed since you’ve last spoken to your ex (but if he’s in a relationship you now have to ACCEPT that fully and resolve not to attempt to break it up).
What you must do at all costs, is to establish INDEPENDENCE and POSITIVE GROWTH since your relationship ended. These are the essential traits that will make your ex see you in a new light and get him to want a relationship with you again.
When you finally arrange a casual meet up, blow him away with your new first impression, flirt with him in an off-hand way, and show you’re in-demand, and soon things will gradually progress towards getting together again (just don’t rush things and jump into bed too quickly!).
Now that you’re on the path, you can start to re-build and feel confident that, if nothing else, you have a game plan for getting your ex back in a healthy way. If you need more on the next steps, get my Ex Back programme and learn the exact step-by-step things you must say when you meet up with your ex.
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