How To Get Him Back (Even If It’s Been Months)

When you lose someone, it’s like an emptiness appears in your life that you can’t even remember how you ever filled before you met that person.

Maybe you and your ex fought all the time. Maybe you both were in different stages of your life. Maybe one of you simply made too many mistakes and you had to call it quits.

Now let’s be clear about this: The reason you broke up matters.

If you had a fundamentally unhealthy relationship with your ex, getting back together is probably not going to be a good idea. The only time it will ever be a good idea is when one (or both) of you has fundamentally changed as people and grown out of certain behaviours, be it jealousy, dependence, argumentative and selfish tendencies, or any other destructive habit that was toxic to the relationship.

So what about the question of how to get him back?

Getting Your Ex Back – The Game Plan

How To Get Him Back

First, I want you to think about this very carefully.

Right now, it’s going to feel like your ex is the only person you could possibly be happy with in your entire life. There’s about a 99.9% chance that isn’t true, so make sure this isn’t a trap you’re falling into believing you could never be happy with another person.

I know. I know. That’s easier said than done. At the moment, you’re probably finding it unbearably painful to imagine life without him.

Even if you know there were problems, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Sure, a few things might have been wrong. But SO much was right about us”.

You both had incredible sex. You shared the same passions for both reading AND marathon running. You knew he was a kind, decent, loving person that you could trust like no-one else.

Look, there’s no exact rule on whether you and your ex should still be together. If you want to hear more of my thoughts on this, check out my article on the 3 Honest Truths You Must Read Before You Think About Getting Your Ex Back.

But here are some basic rules depending on how much time has passed since you broke up:

1. How to get him back (if it’s only been a week)

Right now your emotions are all over the place.

You feel loss, loneliness, fear…you’re even probably wondering if you’ll ever feel ok again.

Just breathe.

You need to do a few things while the break-up is fresh:

–   Write down your thoughts and feelings about the relationship (be really honest – what worked about it, what didn’t work about it. Don’t look at it through rose-tinted glasses.)

–   Keep people around you who bring you up and work on building a life of INDEPENDENCE from your ex.

–   Have a period of No-Contact with your ex.

Give yourself distance. Put away those photos that remind you of him, stop the social media stalking, and start the process of healing your relationship wound.

After a week, send your ex a “Goodbye Letter”. In this VERY short message, you can do the following (and ONLY the following):

  •   Acknowledge any hurtful or painful things you did at the end of the relationship
  •   Be graceful and wish him well
  •   Say goodbye and accept the relationship is over

These are crucial steps to show to him that you are starting to move on. You can only then re-connect once you’ve built other areas of your life and when one of you has truly recognised the changes they need to make to mend the relationship.

I go through the entire detailed process of this in my Ex Back program, so if you really need examples of how to do this here is my copy-and-paste plan to win him back.

2. How to get him back (if it’s been a few months)

If you’ve been without your ex for longer, you now need to think about a few things:

  • Have I made a conscious effort to build a life in which I’m happy without my ex? (if you haven’t do this before ANYTHING else!)
  • How can I re-establish contact and create a new first impression?

Once again, in this scenario you need to make sure you’ve had a long enough period of time without your ex so that you can start fresh when you open communication again.

So here are your basic steps:

  1. Make sure you are living a happy, single life (meet other guys, have passions and hobbies, build a social circle).
  2. Have a period of No-Contact from your ex (if you’re still talking to him)
  3. Start contacting him with a low-key, low-investment message e.g. use one of my INTRIGUE texts, such as, “Finally tried that new breakfast place we kept talking about. Best. Toasted Bagels. Ever. Definitely worth the trip. x” (again, I have a ton of examples of this in my Ex Back program).

The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter how long has elapsed since you’ve last spoken to your ex (but if he’s in a relationship you now have to ACCEPT that fully and resolve not to attempt to break it up).

What you must do at all costs, is to establish INDEPENDENCE and POSITIVE GROWTH since your relationship ended. These are the essential traits that will make your ex see you in a new light and get him to want a relationship with you again.

When you finally arrange a casual meet up, blow him away with your new first impression, flirt with him in an off-hand way, and show you’re in-demand, and soon things will gradually progress towards getting together again (just don’t rush things and jump into bed too quickly!).

Now that you’re on the path, you can start to re-build and feel confident that, if nothing else, you have a game plan for getting your ex back in a healthy way. If you need more on the next steps, get my Ex Back programme and learn the exact step-by-step things you must say when you meet up with your ex.

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40 Replies to “How To Get Him Back (Even If It’s Been Months)”

  • Dear all,
    I found this article really helpful and proactive in terms of getting a situation under control. However I am interested in knowing how to win back a guy who was never your ex in the first place. Specifically, he was a flirt to mw and a possible partner, however I was not available enough or courageous enough to encourage that kind of relationship (builder) as he is in the same workplace I am in too (plus he is the most attractive man in there).
    Thank you so much Matt, Steven and team!
    Yours Fedra

  • Hi all,

    I am interested in getting back with my ex as after having been on dates with a few other guys since the break up, I think that he is someone I can see a future with and the reason we broke up, felt to me, like a timing issue. My situation is fraught with lots of opportunities to say, just forget about it and move on. But its not been so easy. So I thought I would give this a try.
    I’ve tried to use the techniques, but as mentioned in a trainer Q&A I think I have ended up like a tour guide. And not very high value I suppose. If the last time we were in contact was 4 days ago (and pretty typically, I was the last person to message), is there any way to salvage this? Look forward to any advice.

  • Hey Matthew. Omg I love you so much. Thanks for caring and for your passion for us. Two questions:

    One: Can you talk about workaholic men that choose work over relationships, even though they want a relationship? I’m a quality time person and this part always causes me to break up with the man because I feel in the end I’m going to feel more lonely than if I stay single. How can one be in a relationship with a man that gets more meaning from work? (To see where this question comes from, watch a movie called For Grace on Netflix. Will explain better.)

    Two: The last guy I dated is this type. I often wish I hadn’t broken up with him, but then I remember he never gave me a weekend (either he had his kids or some work thing supposedly came up) and so… And we had an epic time when we spent time (as per your advice). On week days. Cause I wasn’t working cause I got laid off (I’m now working again) the week we met.

    Is it even worth considering resuscitation? What if he’s seeing someone else? I went through your Paul video (the player) and your follow up video analysing. I heard what you said about adding value, but I was not in the best place to show all my value cause I had just lost my job. I realize I should not have been dating, but I’m now back to me and in a place where I have value to give.

    Know what I mean?

    1. WIN BACK MY EX LOVER WITH THE HELP OF.... THANKS TO DR.MA CK201 ‘ ‘ G MA IL… CO M....................................... says:


  • Hi, Mat!
    My ex broke up with me two months ago. We haven’t had any contact since. Then, I sent him a FB message about a concert of an artist he loves. I will copy our conversation here:
    Me: “You might be interested in this”
    I got his response right away from him saying
    – Thank you so much
    – You’re welcome
    Then, he added
    -I was going to call you tomorrow. Are you going to be in neighbourhood tomorrow? You have some things left at my place and I wanted to give them back to you.

    I was so off the balance that I only said
    No, I won’t
    The next day I sent him FB message saying
    I’ll get back to you one of these days about the stuff left at your place, no problem
    And he said that he has more free time so whenever I want.
    And I answered ok and that’s it.
    Now… I don’t know should I even try to get him back or just leave him where he is. Should I ask him about how much time should I plan for the day. Should I try to save the thing or is that the sign that he’s over me.
    We had great relationship which I screwed up by becoming overly dependent and needy out of fear of losing him (how crazy is that, right?!) I think we really had something special, but he wanted to experience more, to prove himself that other women are attracted to him. I was his first serious relationship. He’s 27 now. And I’m older…so…
    HELP! I’m going crazy over this.
    Thank you!

  • My boyfriend broke up with coming up three weeks now. I knew we had issues but it was still very out of the blue, I have gone through the various stages of panicking and sending him messages asking him to re-consider. I have cried down the phone to him and finally after he collected the last of his things, I text him the farewell message saying I accepted the break up and I wish him all the best. I am currently doing the no contact rule for about a week. I am doing things to improve myself and taking up hobbies, seeking therapy and I am starting to feel better everyday. I know that I can’t reach out to him right now but I want to in time be able to get him back. I saw that he deleted all of our pictures on social media and that really hurt so I have temporarily deactivated all my social media for now to get away from it all. I have no idea if this situation is hopeless or if there is any chance of us ever getting back together or if I should leave this to fate! HELP!

  • My boyfriend and I were dating for 3 months. Everything was amazing and he was the one constantly pursuing me, wanting to hang out every weekend, inviting me to stay over at his place for days on end (as I was commuting for work into the city, where he also lives). We went on a couple of long weekend trips, I met his friends. He never met mine and seemed too scared to meet my family. throughout the amazing and short few months he acted like he was really into me. About 2 months in he discovered his mom who lives in another country has cancer and his brother’s wife just cheated on him. His brother also fled the country due to this heartbreak. He also just started a new job at this time too. He started to ask to see me as often, only once a week, but still texted everyday. Then after going two weeks without seeing each other I unfortunately brought up the conversation about a relationship. And he said he wants to just see where is goes, and I can call him anything I want to call him. He was ok with that. Then things took a bad turn and as he “got more stressed with his family stuff and the new job he couldn’t feel any emotion… I said we should break off and he was very shocked. He said what if instead we go on a break for a few weeks. I agreed. During the break I called him once every weekend angrily saying we should just end this because I don’t understand, and he kept reassuring me it’s nothing to do with me. So I kept waiting. Last week though I left him a bday gift at his condo and he didn’t reply all night. Finally we talked on the phone and he said tbh he felt like I was ready for the next step and he wasn’t there yet. He said he had actually thought I was the one and he had strong feelings for me back then, but now he can’t feel anything. He tried to push the break longer but I said I need to end it. He basically agreed and said if he ever feels like texting me can he. I said yes… now I’m sooo upset, missing him like crazy. I actually thought he was amazing and I was falling for him. I want him back but I blocked him on instagram… how do I approach him again and when?

  • I would like advice on the following:

    I have been dating this guy on/off since July, but steadily since the end of August. In July he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship because he recently came out of a long relationship. I responded by telling him I wasn’t asking for one with him, valued his friendship over anything, and had no expectation from him other than that. I also told him I was in a place for something real. We remained friends. I dated other guys. Although, my feelings for him never went away. We continued to hang out with our friends. One night after a group dinner, he and I ended up at my place, and he slept over (yes, we had sex). He and I didn’t discuss the new dynamic, but I assumed that since he didn’t want to lose me as a friend (as he told me in July) and that he knew I wanted something serious, that this meant he was ready. We continued this until just last week. Meaning, we’ve gone out a few times, spend time at my place, etc. However, the last month he seemed to call less or talk on the phone less, text less, and always declined invitations for dinner or anything I asked to do. Last week I was so bothered by this that when I was drunk, I sent him a mean text. Since he hadn’t returned my call/text that day, I sent “I guess *** doesn’t give a fuck.” Along with a photo of some guy I recently went on a date with (at midnight). He replied, “What the fuck! Yes, I got your message and text because they woke me up. Stop fucking texting me.” I was, of course, drunk and stupid. I also replied back to his message explaining I had been drinking yada yada.. and that if he doesn’t want me to text, I wont. I have refrained from contact as well as him. Tomorrow will be one week. I deel like I should apologize for what I did, but my ego keeps me from contacting him. His message was rude, but so was mine. Plus, it’s not like he hasnt made stupid drunken mistakes (no texts, but still). I feel that he should have contacted me afterward even if it was to say “what the hell is going through your head”. My question is, I should I send a message like the goodbye letter? Or, should I just text or call him to say I was wrong for drunk texting and see where that leads? Thank you in advance for any advice.

  • Hi,
    I have come here after searching many websites, in hopes that I will get the solution of my problem here. I am from India and my relationship is at a stage where I am very confused and unable to figure out how to take it further with no idea of the direction it might go towards.
    I am working in a startup at Hyderabad. I met him in Hyderabad where I went to a live show and he was playing guitar there . Yaa you got it right , he is into music which is his biggest dream to set up a business in India. He loves spirituality and meditation also. It will take him time to come back to India. Our relationship started in march and in September he left for Los Angeles to study and pursue his career in a music institute. When he was in India he used to come to meet me in my city three times and we lived together in hotel so obviously some foreplay activities were involved but not Sex as I wanted to know more of him. During those days we used to talk for long hours over call. He used to love me a lot .Things started becoming worse when he left for US. He has got busy now bcoz of studies and busy schedule. Due to time difference, we are unable to talk the way we used to. He talks less now . Whenever I ask him the reason , he is stating that he is very tensed and it will take long time for career to b stable and he is working hard to survive there. Once, i did not talk for 2 days thinking that his attitude for me is changing.At that time, he continuosly tried to connect. And after 2 days when I responded , he first got angry but afterwards was relaxed. But now again, whenever I speak to him , it seems he is not talking interestingly and sounds cold and dull. He never confess me about his feelings now as he used to do earlier and nor does he acknowledge his care for me. He doesn’t even want to marry his whole life as in music profession , it’s difficult to give time to family .This is something for which I have prepared my mind now. Idon’t understand how can I fix it. Is he doing this because he is actually tensed for career or he is no more interested in me and so he is trying to avoid me in order to get ditached. But if second is the case then why does he try to reach me out whenever I try to pull away. He also calls me daily right before sleeping. Though he talks only for few minutes just to inform me that he is now sleeping. No matter he talks less, but atleast he calls. Sometimes I think of applying pull away method or no contact rule for some days but what if he loses interest permanently. I love him up to an extent that I have started writing a poem for him and after subscribing your channel, started watching law of attraction videos with a belief that it can give some good results.
    Pls do help me with your suggestions on this .
    I badly need an expert advice.
    Awaiting a response from you.
    Please do reply with an answer to this.
    Thanks and all the best !

  • Hi, so a mutual friend introduced through IG at first, we talked every now and then, nothing serious for about 2 months, then we met in person for 2 times(we live in different countries) and started talking more and more, still it was something very casual on both sides.
    The next time we saw each other everything changed, it was just love and sparkles all over, from him and from me. This kept going for 3 months, we were visiting each other back and forth and he even brought marriage up, then suddenly he said he was not ready for a relationship and he was not looking for one, things changed a lot but we kept talking for 3 more months, until we both agreed that we should stop talking at all, I really care for him and tried the NC rule for 1 week then fell back and reached out, the last conversations we had were really short and meaningless.
    No we have not been talking for another week, he has been really clear on focusing on his career and not a relationship.
    Do I have any chance? Should I wait?

  • I was blindsided by my ex n truly thought I was gonna marry him lik we talkd bout whole 9 yards everything n the reason he gav me doesnt make sense it’s so confusing n I did no contact n he always responds n keeps the conversation going but hasnt initiated the conversation first what does that mean?? Is it mixed signals. I know a lot of ppl who know him n his background keep telling me he is lost n doesnt know what he wants and is being selfish but I want to know why he wont initiate contact but will keep the convo going even after I’ve said hav a good night or gotta go ttyl type thing

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  • I see there’s a free guide on how to make him yours again. I have signed up for it several times but the copy is it getting yo my inbox. Can you please send it to me soon? :)

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