Within a couple dates, we can go from feeling like a normal person to feeling way too attached. And even though we’ve only spent a few hours with this person, the fear of losing them becomes overwhelming.
In this brand-new video, I share an easy and grounding phrase you can use RIGHT NOW to calm yourself down if you find yourself in this situation.
What’s been your experience when you’ve found yourself in this situation? I’d love to hear your story in the comments!
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I wanted to make a video about the early stages of dating, when we’ve been on a great date with someone, maybe a couple of great dates, and we’ve decided that we like them. This is a moment in the dating process where obsession can very quickly occur. We get anxious. We start worrying about this situation. We cannot get this person out of our mind. And then we run into the trap of self-sabotaging, because we’re already spending way too much time talking about something that doesn’t even know what it is yet.
Why does this happen? And what can we do about it? Because, of course, we’re all terrified that not only is my anxiety making me miserable, it’s the very thing that’s going to sabotage the thing that I want to happen. Well, let’s first examine one of the major reasons why we obsess over someone that we’ve just met. Projection.
We go on a date, we have a great time, we see some things we like, and our brain takes the 5% of what we know about this person, and how could we know more than that, we’ve only really just spent a small amount of time with them, and uses it to extrapolate the other 95% of them. In other words, we fill in the gaps. And do we fill them in a measured way? No. We take whatever the best qualities about them and we extrapolate that into all of the wonderful things they must be in every other area of their life.
We do the same, by the way, with the attention someone gives us. Someone gives us a bit of attention, and we immediately start extrapolating the amount of attention that we think they’re going to give us a week from now or a month from now that will lead to a relationship.
What happens as a result of projection is we now get incredibly nervous, both based on how awesome we’ve made them in our mind and how much potential the relationship has based on what we are seeing from them in investment right now. Both of these things raise the stakes to an unhealthy degree. It puts them on a pedestal. It puts the relationship or the potential relationship on a pedestal that divorces us from the reality of what we’re getting right now. It divorces us from the moment we’re in. We’re no longer present on the date we’re on. We are living off somewhere with some idealized fantasy version of them, in an idealized fantasy relationship with them. And that makes us terrified. “What if I screw it up with this amazing person? What if I sabotage this relationship that has so much potential?”
And when we get anxiety like that, when we obsess like that, we stop bringing ourselves to the date in any kind of an organic way. We stop realizing that we are not just selling in the dating process, i.e., selling our personality and how wonderful we are and how great life would be with us. We’re also buying. We’re also deciding if we want the person in front of us. We can’t decide in totality if we want the person in front of us, based on one date or even five dates. We have to see who they become with us. We have to see how much they continue to invest. And we have to remind ourselves of that truth.
This projection I have of how important this person is and this relationship could be is not reality. This is a conversation that we have to have with other people and with ourselves. It’s very common to leave a date and tell your friends that kind thing he did. Think about that for a moment. Someone does a kind thing on a date, and immediately you go, “I’m attracted to this person and they’re a nice guy. I never get attracted to people who are nice guys. Oh my God. This person has everything.” And then you tell the friends about this really sweet thing that this person did on the date. And they all go, “Oh my God, that’s amazing. Oh my. He sounds so great. I’m so happy for you.” They literally talk to you as if you just got engaged to the person, “I’m so happy for you. That’s so cool. That’s so exciting.”
Now, that amps you up and you think, “Oh my God. I really should be afraid of losing this thing, because my friends now understand how amazing this person is as well and how much potential it has.” What we have to do in this moment, when our friends get us all amped up or when we get ourselves amped up, we have to respond by saying, “We’ll see. It was a really great date.” You can admit that part. You can even admit that you want it to be more, “It would be really cool if it went somewhere, but we’ll see.”
“We’ll see” is a very powerful phrase. “We’ll see” says there’s more for the other person to do. “We’ll see” says you’re not fully convinced yet. “We’ll see” says there’s more to learn. “We’ll see” even carries in it an embedded challenge to the person you’re dating that you are not completely sold yet. They have your attention, but you’re not sold yet, because you can only be sold by a future that actually materializes, by wonderful personality traits that get revealed to be true character over time, not a performance on a date. “We’ll see” is an extraordinarily powerful pressure valve in early dating.
And remember this. This is not just a phrase you’re using outwardly to friends or other people who try to take you somewhere that currently is science fiction and not reality. It’s also an inwardly directed phrase, because it’s part of the conversation you have with yourself to temper your own excitement, to temper the hype person inside you who’s trying to get you carried away. “We’ll see” brings our obsession, brings our anxiety down many notches. And when that happens, we then send the next text, make the next phone call, go on the next date with a completely different energy, one of peace and calm and acceptance of whatever this situation actually is.
Now, with that pressure valve in mind, what I would love to give you on top of that is a practical blueprint for how to start getting results in your love life for all of this energy and time and investment that you’re putting into it, because that’s one of the most frustrating things for so many people today, is, “I want to find love. I’m willing to try, but I feel like it’s all futile. I feel like I keep coming up against people who don’t want a relationship, people who aren’t even willing to try, in many cases, people who aren’t even willing to go on a date. We just end up messaging and it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m sick and tired of putting effort in for no return.”
I have put together a practical roadmap for you to get results in your love life this year. And if you started this year saying, “Finding love is a priority for me,” what I’m about to tell you is the most important appointment you can put in your diary this year. On the 19th of April, I am running a live training called Dating with Results, and it’s completely free. We’ve had over 20,000 women come through this training. The feedback has been extraordinary, and we’ve had a long list of people as a result who have been waiting for us to run this training again.
Well, that time is finally here. It is on the 19th of April. It’s going to be about 90 minutes, and it is going to be an intensely practical session. All you need to do is go to Dating with Results to sign up. It’s completely free. Make sure you add it to your calendar so that you don’t miss it. And I will see you then, so that we can work on making sure that every ounce of energy you put into your love life this year actually translates to a real relationship.