Do you find it hard to set boundaries in early dating because you feel men just expect certain things?
In today’s new video, I talk with author and radio host Tanya Rad, who shares what she did to get what she wanted in dating and how she found her current boyfriend in the process. Her honesty is refreshing, and whether you’re in a relationship or not, I think you’ll learn something new about setting standards (and going easy on yourself when things don’t go as planned!)
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Tanya Rad:
There is this messaging, especially with women of, “Sow your oats, and go do it, and we can be like men too, and get all the one night stands out.” And I’m like, I’m not that girl. And so I was like, okay, from this point on, I’m not having sex outside of the committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship, I mean boyfriend girlfriend.
Matthew Hussey:
Hey, everybody. Fun clip for you today from me and my friend, Tanya Rad, who if you don’t know her, she is the co-host of On Air with Ryan Seacrest. She’s also the co-author of the new book, The Sunshine Mind, that was also authored by Raquelle Stevens. She’s a very special person to me. I’ve been friends with her for years. I knew her back when she was searching for love, and now she’s found love and her story is really compelling. You can listen to the full interview inside the Love Life Club for those of you that are already members.
In this clip that I’m going to show you, she talks about intentionality in early dating. It is a very practical conversation that I had with Tanya, and I think you’re really going to enjoy it if you don’t want to waste time in dating because you know what you want and you want to find somebody else who knows what they want too. Enjoy this clip. And by the way, before you see it, if you have not signed up to watch Dating With Results yet, my free one-hour training on finding you love this year, go check it out at datingwithresults.com because it is an amazing companion piece to this clip with Tanya Rad. Enjoy.
Tanya Rad:
There is this messaging, especially with women of, “Sow your oats, and go do it, and we can be like men too, and get all the one night stands out.” And I’m like, I’m not that girl. I was just never wired that way. And if you are that girl, good on you. I have mad respect, but that was never me. I could never have unattached sex. It just was not in the cards for me. I was always emotionally involved with every single person that I had ever slept with. And so-
Matthew Hussey:
And not every guy is like that either, by the way.
Tanya Rad:
It seems like a lot more.
Matthew Hussey:
There’s a decent number of guy friends that I have that are very emotional. When they start dating someone, they get emotionally wrapped up and it becomes about that person. So I think there is this assumption that every guy is a “Sow your oats” kind of person. And I think that-
Tanya Rad:
Yeah. I dated the majority of the others.
Matthew Hussey:
Sow your oats guys.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey:
But no, I think there’s more than perhaps people know a kind of guy that feels that same way, that it just doesn’t feel right to them to sleep around.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah. So I think when I had that aha moment, it was really this aha moment and I was like, I’m doing this to myself. I’m in control. This is my body, this is my life. And so I was like, okay, from this point on, I’m not having sex outside of a committed relationship. And when I say committed relationship, I mean boyfriend girlfriend, this person is committed to me. And so that really weeds them out real quick.
Matthew Hussey:
So just walk me through. All right, practically the same way you-
Tanya Rad:
How it will happen?
Matthew Hussey:
Yeah. The same way you did with the meeting people part, what does this look like to have as a standard for yourself in a way that doesn’t rob you of your warmth, the same flirtatiousness that you’re so good at, the kind of part of you that is enjoying dating and being sexual. How do those things co-exist with this standard practically when it comes down to it?
Tanya Rad:
So I’ll give you an example of someone that it obviously was a turnoff for and then someone that didn’t care. So the one that was turned off, so I remember I met this guy at a restaurant, gave him my number at happy hour or whatever, and he asked if he could take me out on a date. And I said, sure. I gave him my number there at the restaurant and were supposed to go out. This was a Monday, Tuesday, we’re supposed to go out that weekend. And he called me just to chat and I was like, oh my gosh, nobody does this anymore. And so I thought it was really cool. So we’re chatting and he made a sex joke. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was some sort of sex joke, not crude or anything like that. And I said, “Oh, ha-ha.” And then that was my way in.
I just laid it on and I was like, “Oh, well, I don’t have sex outside of a committed relationship.” And he goes, “Neither do I.” And I was like, “Oh, that’s so cool.” But I got player vibes from him. I kind of got the vibe that he was just doing what he was doing a lot. And so I was like, “Oh, wow, you don’t either. That’s so cool.” And whatever. So we finished our chat that night, never asked me out again. Never actually even went out on the date with me because I think he was like, “I’m not going to get what I want.” And just didn’t follow up, which is fine.
Matthew Hussey:
At least it’s not someone wasting your time or pretending to be . . . Well, he pretended to be something else for five minutes.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah. The funny thing is though, is that he’s actually friendly in this circle network of my current boyfriend. And so I see him around now. And I’m just like, that’s so good because I know that he is the player, that I was totally being bamboozled. So that was really funny. And I was never really shy about expressing that was something that was important to me. And that’s actually something that a lot of women have reached out to me since I’ve been sharing all that, that have reached out to me saying that they started doing that too, because they realized themselves that they were in this perpetual pattern of pain and they wanted to take their lives back into their hands and be in control. And so that’s something that I think a lot of people have really especially resonated with with my story.
Matthew Hussey:
How early would you say it? When would you feel was . . . Did you wait until, I mean in that case you found your moment in him making a sexual joke, but in general, in the absence of that, would you say it at the point where things started to get a little more heated or would you say in casual conversation on a date?
Tanya Rad:
On a date. I never said it . . . Anybody that I got heated with knew going in-
Matthew Hussey:
Already.
Tanya Rad:
. . . where I stood.
Matthew Hussey:
How did you get to that conversation on a date? What would be a way that you would find a way to insert it and how would you say it?
Tanya Rad:
It’s so great. It’s hard to remember exactly how things went down, but I remember I met this one guy, he was a guest on my podcast. And so he didn’t live in LA and so we kind of started talking and dating over FaceTime, which is weird because it was pre-pandemic. Nobody was really . .. . Zoom dating was not a thing. But we started FaceTiming a lot and getting to know each other. Conversations do go in that direction, I think, in an easier way than you realize. But when I would talk about my story and my dating life, I would just say, “I made this decision to not have sex outside of a committed relationship.” Some guys would say, “Well, then I got to wipe you up tomorrow.” They would make a joke about it. I had a couple of guys that were really, it was not even a thing. It was like, “Cool.”
Matthew Hussey:
Were there any that in the moment you could visibly see he no longer wanted to be there?
Tanya Rad:
Yes. Yeah. There was one guy I remember that I dated, and his nickname was Big D, because word on the street is he had a big D.
Matthew Hussey:
Right.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah. And so-
Matthew Hussey:
Literal right from the start.
Tanya Rad:
Yes. Yeah. He didn’t take it so well. Not so well, again, I never was-
Matthew Hussey:
Right. Well, Big D’s not used to that.
Tanya Rad:
Big D is not used to that. No, he wanted the D.
Matthew Hussey:
That’s not his speed.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah, it was not his speed. But again, I was treated in a way that made me feel small. I was very, I don’t know what the word is. I was very assured and confident in the decision that I had made. So whatever reaction I got, I was totally fine with.
Matthew Hussey:
Yeah.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah. But it was hard. Some guys obviously they knew, especially even with my current boyfriend, he really loved it. He really admired that about me. He didn’t pressure me in any way, but when you really start to date someone, you get physical, and there’s ways to be physical without having sex.
Matthew Hussey:
So for you sex meant not, then feel free to take the left hand-
Tanya Rad:
Penetration.
Matthew Hussey:
But for you, sex meant penetration.
Tanya Rad:
Correct.
Matthew Hussey:
And other things were game-
Tanya Rad:
Yes.
Matthew Hussey:
But it was like, that’s not a place I go. And that’s when the relationship-
Tanya Rad:
Yes.
Matthew Hussey:
How did you make the, I mean, it sounds like an obvious question, but at what point, say with Roby, did you realize or he realized it’s cool now because we’re in a relationship? Did you have that conversation out loud?
Tanya Rad:
Well, no. It’s interesting because I remember we did it before we were in a committed relationship, and that was really hard on me. Again, it was just in the heat of the moment. And I knew, I think really early on with him specifically, he was it for me. And so I just let myself kind of feel safe in that space. And it was something that he didn’t take lightly either. He never wanted to go there. And it was me. It was all me that went there.
Matthew Hussey:
I was going to say, how do you feel, because that, “I had decided on him and I felt safe in that space,” is like, from the outside that sounds like a really dangerous logic because it’s the kind of logic that people use to make their mind up about someone before that person is actually invested in them at the level that they want them to.
Tanya Rad:
But it was actually really, it kind of brought us closer because we were able to have that serious conversation right after about it. And I said, “I feel like I let myself down. I made this promise to myself, and I feel like I let myself down. I don’t regret it. I’m really happy and I’m really happy with where everything’s going, but I don’t want to do this anymore until we’re in a committed relationship.” And he was really respectful.
Matthew Hussey:
That’s beautiful. How long was it between that moment and being in a relationship?
Tanya Rad:
Probably a month.
Matthew Hussey:
And in that time you were solid in terms of not going to go back to that place.
Tanya Rad:
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey:
But I think, even in the way that you . . . there’s nuance, even in the way that you approached that. Because I would argue, not that you were ever doing it as a tactic, it was always just a standard that you had, but I would argue that in that relationship, it served its purpose because he was already very aware of the fact that this meant something to you and that you weren’t up for a situation where it meant nothing.
Tanya Rad:
Right.
Matthew Hussey:
So when you did do it didn’t take away from the fact that he realized that that was a significant thing for you. So regardless of whether you internally felt like you’d let yourself down, message received, this was important to you, and we just did it. And then afterwards, what I really love about what you said is that, “I’m happy, I don’t regret it. I had an amazing time,” whatever. “I just feel like I let myself down on the standard I have.” I think that’s actually a beautiful, I would call it a unique pairing to say I both, I feel something that I don’t want to feel about how I let myself down, but I also feel like I don’t want you to think I’m not kind of in a way owning the experience.
Tanya Rad:
Right. Yeah. It’s really interesting when we make these promises to ourselves, we’re all imperfect human beings, and I think that we’re going to mess up. And I think when you make these promises to yourself, it’s okay. You’re going to go through life and things are going to shift and things are going to happen. And I think I let myself feel that like, okay, I felt like I disappointed myself, but it’s okay, and I’m going to move forward, and I still feel really strongly about you. I don’t regret my decision.
Matthew Hussey:
Now that you’ve seen Tanya, isn’t the book The Sunshine Mind just the perfect title for her book? If you haven’t already, go and grab a copy of this book. I know you’ll enjoy it if you enjoyed her approach to love, because this is her approach to life. So check this out. You can order a copy on Amazon right now. And like I said before, if you haven’t already, go to DatingWithResults.com to get the one-hour free training that I’ve put together for you that can help you find love this year.
You don’t need to run headfirst into the same mistakes that everyone else is making when they’re looking for love, whether it’s burning out on dating apps, being on dates that never materialize into relationships, or just getting stuck in casual hookup mode. This is to help put you on track in your love life so that you feel in control again. Go to DatingWithResults.com to sign up now, and I will see you in the next video.
