Sex can either be a massive turning point for a new relationship, or a gateway to more anxiety and pressure . . . 

But what if I told you there’s a high-value way to approach this situation—one that can pave the way for a more meaningful connection? Don’t miss this week’s brand-new video to learn the three ways you can approach these conversations. 

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Matthew:

Remember this is about sex meaning something, not sex costing us something. If it means something, we’ll just continue in an organic and elegant way. If we feel it’s cost us something, we’ll go forward in an anxious way. Before we get into the video, like the video, if you like it already, it means a lot to us. Subscribe to the channel so that we can hit our 10 million followers. What’s that? Only have 2.8? Okay, that’s a lot less. Subscribe so that we can get to 2.8 and a bit million followers. Hit the notification bell so that the next time I release a video, you get notified first and you don’t miss it. A crucial piece of information that could help you in your love life and your confidence. Now onto the video . . .

What do we do after we have sex with someone that we want more with?

Sex is one of those strange things that changes the dynamic, doesn’t it? It can make us feel awkward afterwards. It can make us feel afraid. For some people, it makes them feel like they’ve given something up and they now have a reason to be fearful because by having sex with someone, I can now feel used. I can now feel in some way taken advantage of, or I can just not like myself for having done it if this situation doesn’t turn into anything more, I will now regret this. And all of the complications and anxieties around having sex with someone can create a very counterproductive energy after we’ve done it. And that’s a shame because when we have sex with someone and we want something to happen afterwards, there’s a certain mindset and a certain intention and approach that actually makes it much more likely that something positive will come of it.

Here’s the starting point after sex. We have to communicate through our words, through our actions, through our energy that sex is something that means something to us. Now, don’t get me wrong, sex doesn’t have to mean something to everybody who has it, but for the person who wants a relationship, for the person who is being intentional about who they have sex with, there is a way to convey that it means something to you in a beautiful high-value way.

Now remember in dating, we are always communicating whether we are someone to be taken seriously or someone to be taken lightly. So when we sleep with somebody, how do we communicate in an elegant way that we are somebody to be taken seriously?

Number one, don’t run away after sex and expect them to chase you. This is what happens for a lot of people, either out of a sense of pride like, oh no, I’ve given something up, the power has shifted into their hands, I now need to get power back by getting them to chase me. It shouldn’t be that way. It creates the wrong dynamic in the first place, and sometimes we back off after sex because you’re afraid of rejection. You feel like, oh my God, I’m exposed now, I’m vulnerable. I’m going to go into my cave and they’re going to have to coax me out again.

We don’t want to be the person that makes someone chase after sex because all that does is go back to game playing. We also, by the way, don’t want to be the person that doubles our intensity after sex because we’re anxious and we feel like now it has to go somewhere or we’re going to feel used and taken advantage of. Both of these two things, making them chase or suddenly chasing them are extremes that we don’t want to participate in, and usually that comes from the framing of sex as having cost us something. Remember, this is about sex, meaning something, not sex costing us something. If it means something, we’ll just continue in an organic and elegant way. If we feel it’s cost us something, we’ll go forward in an anxious way.

Number two, if we want it to go somewhere, then after sex, we can’t just let it run on for months without expressing that we don’t want to continue if that person is sleeping with other people. In other words, if there’s going to be continual sleeping together now it has to be within the framework of not sleeping with other people. The more you continue to have sex with someone without explaining that you wouldn’t want to do that if it wasn’t exclusive, the more you cement a dynamic that you don’t want and make it permanent.

Number three, if you communicate that to someone and they express that they don’t want to be exclusive, then you don’t suddenly end up back in bed with them on a Friday night where you are feeling lonely or they hit you up. Instead, you have to be willing to walk away.

You stick to what’s actually important to you, which is that sex means something and if you’re going to continue to have it with someone, there has to be a progression and there has to be an exclusivity between you. You don’t trample your own principles and the things that mean something to you simply because you like someone. Why? Because sex means something to you. And by the way, this isn’t about judging someone if they don’t want exclusivity. It’s not about being angry at someone if they don’t want exclusivity, and it’s not about calling someone out like they used us or they did something wrong by having sex with us when it didn’t go somewhere. We have to own our actions. If we have sex with someone, own it. It was great. I had fun. It was something I wanted to do, but because it means something to me, this isn’t something I’m going to continue to do with someone for whom it doesn’t mean the same. And that is how you get taken seriously. That’s how you get treated as someone that has to be invested in instead of someone that can just be relied upon for a fun or enjoyable experience when that person feels like it.

By the way, for those of you that want to get more in-depth about how to have these conversations, because I know that many of you will be asking, what does it actually look like? Okay, I slept with someone, what should I do next? What do I actually say to communicate these things? I have very specific ways of having these conversations inside a program called the Momentum Texts, which is a $7 program before you ask. So everyone should go and get a copy of this. It gives you the right things, the right ways to say things in early dating so that you’re never listening to any of my videos going, “Okay, but Matt, how would you actually say that?”

And it even gives you things that you can say prior to having sex. If you want to gauge whether sex means the same to that person before you have it. So there’s great things you can say before the fact and after the fact. And honestly, I want to take the pressure off this because this isn’t about, “Oh my God, you already did it, that’s a problem.” We’re adults. People go home together, things happen. We sometimes move fast, we sometimes move too fast, or sometimes we just do something that’s fun in the moment. There’s nothing wrong with that.

The only real sin is in us continuing with a dynamic that doesn’t work for us, and that’s the thing we have to get out of the habit of. What I want to do is make sure people aren’t afraid to have the conversations that will actually get them more results. And the Momentum Texts teaches you exactly how to have those conversations, 67 different versions of those conversations to be precise. So go over there now, MomentumTexts.com. Everyone should have this as they go out there into their love lives. I want you to have it too. Enjoy, and I’ll see you next time.