Is being picky a good thing or a bad thing in dating?
Look, if there’s one area that’s worth being fussy about in life, it’s your relationships. A relationship is a big commitment; they require time, energy, emotional investment – all commodities that we don’t want to spend too easily.
So when it comes to love, be as picky as you want.
But does that mean we should be picky at every stage of the process? No!
What most of us do is get too picky too soon, when in fact, at the beginning of the process (when we are single and looking), we should actually be totally unpicky.
Huh?
I know this sounds weird coming from me. I’m the one always harping on about living up to your standards, and never expecting second-best; how can I now turn around and tell you not to be picky?
I’ll tell you, because there is this frustrating pattern, and it can be summed up pretty simply: people are using “being picky” as an excuse for sitting on their asses and waiting.
I see this with my guy friends all the time when we go out: “The problem with me” they’ll say, “is I’m just so picky”. And then they turn to other excuses: “All the women here are just shallow.” “These girls aren’t my type.” “I need girls who are fun/smart/deep/ have a different look.”
Whatever the guy’s excuse, he’ll decide that (a) none of the women in the place have what he’s looking for, and (b) he now has a go-to excuse for NEVER SPEAKING TO ANYONE.
And this isn’t just a guy problem by the way. We all make generalisations about people so that we can excuse ourselves from taking risks.
We’ll think to ourselves: “Well, he’s not my 100% perfect guy, so he’s not really for me.” And we’ll often use this as our excuse EVEN IF WE’VE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM!
I know this kind of behaviour because I’ve done it myself a million times. I would look at that one woman at the party I wanted to speak to, avoid conversation with her the entire night, and then in my head I would make up some lame excuse about how she was probably shallow anyway because it made me feel better about not taking a chance.
But look, I know most of us GENUINELY ARE PICKY. And that’s fine. But we have to be careful what we are picky about.
When it comes to love, be picky. When it comes to meeting people, NEVER be picky.
The reason is twofold:
1) Great people are EVERYWHERE
There is no-one who couldn’t use having another great person in their phonebook.
What’s more, some of the most cherished relationships (including romantic partners) I have ever had in my life were people I initially never would have thought I would have been interested in. But suddenly when I let go of my prejudices and gave them a chance, I was completely hooked on their personality.
Never fill in someone’s personality with your eyes! The right person rarely jumps out at us immediately.
How tragic would it be if we let our ideal partner slip away before they ever got a chance to show us how perfect they are.
2) Being judgmental is an unattractive quality
Being picky too early makes us come off as judgmental, and that’s a person no-one wants to be around.
If a guy proves to be an idiot, then lose him. But at least give him a chance to prove he’s not.
Remember, it’s hard to see the good in people when you’re only looking for the bad.
Question of the day:
What are two things you MUST have in a guy who date? Let me know in the comments below as we’d love to hear your thoughts.
1. Have a JOB. 2. Scruffy\down to earth
1)He should be the conversationalist. Or at least try to be one. I don’t know if its just me, but silence when he and I go on dates make things very awkward…Well, sometimes it makes me feel like I’m too talkative. Maybe he’s just quiet or shy but…I don’t know.
2)He should make me feel like I want to keep seeing him. Like, it’d be wrong to do otherwise. haha, I’m weird X_X
Oh I get! While out and about leave the dorrs open to meet all types!! It could be that a lasting friendship or a relationships shows up!!! Very cool! I am on board!
xoxox
Yeah, that would be “doors”!!!
The first most important thing in a guy I date is manners. It is obvious that initially he will be trying to impress me and be polite but the way he treats people around him is important. Talks with respect whether it be to a waitress or a doorman or to someone who accidently bumps into him on the street. Secondly someone who is not all serious all the time. I love playful personalities. A guy who I feel comfortable being silly with and having fun with not having to worry that he will be judging me because he doesn’t have a sense of humor. :)
1. I want us to compliment each other (as in fitting together and helping with weaknesses, not constantly saying how pretty you are) and make each other happy.
2. I want him to be funny. To quote Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, “I do so dearly love to laugh.” I love to smile, and I want someone who will give me a reason to.
There are many things i am looking for, so you could say I am picky :P. haha… However, if I have to pick the top two 1) a good communicator – specifically someone who knows how to actively listen and understand that most things need to be negotiated and that does not mean “I am right and you are wrong.”
2) Let’s have fun! So, let’s make having a good time a Priority. I just feel relationships get in the comfort zone and one stops doing fun things together. I hope the guy values this.
By the way, Matthew, thanks for all you do. I learn a lot from you! Not just about dating, but the whole process of connection. You are awesome!
Rani :)
1. He has to have a good work ethic.
2. Down to earth.
Hi there Matt,
Firstly, will want a guy who is fully engaged and present in the moment. Theres real romance in that, for me.
Secondly, will want him to be incredibly passionate with his personality. I find it very fun-loving and endearing.
He has to be sensible and rational!!
With sensibility and rationality comes all the other good stuff!
Hi,
There is lots of traits I would love to list out.But here is a few basic ones.
1.Someone who loves people and respect women.
E.g:Once I got turn off by this guy who treated a waitress rudely.If he has no respect for women, he technically do not respect himself and that is a big no-no !
2.Someone who has the same values as me.For a long term relationship I believe having the same values is downright important.Such as religions/beliefs /family values and etc.As your values usually defines your character,is best to choose someone who has the same or almost similiar values as yourself for a smooth ongoing relationship.
Thanks Matthew.
I found through past relationships that I want a man who is adventurous and wanting to do new things since I have ADHD. It helps keeping things interesting and fun. Plus I want a man who has eyes only for me and not other chicks, also to not have me as the recall.
I came out of a verbally abusive and highly strung along relationship and I’m strongly not allowing myself to get into that again. To this day I’m still finding out more crap he did from the past :/
1.) a good, pure heart. (I work in a career completely devoted to helping others) and although we can categorize a lot of people as, “generally good” it is another thing to step outside of yourself and truly help others and maintain that honest empathy. I like that about myself, and I want that in him.
2.) someone who gets me, and I get perfectly as well. I grew up with two loving, devoted parents (who are still happily married to this day!) They are best friends and make it work! So someone who is dedicated. I get him, and he gets me!
Whether it is on a physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual or sexual level, the guy I date should be able to make me feel comfortable and 100% myself at all times.
Thanks Matt for all that you’re doing. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments etc. theses are some of the things I prefer in a man is orignalilty,meeting of the minds,being positive staying on one accord with each other working together not against each other,respect,peace and harmony I also like a supportive man and I give support as well I have to feel that vibe with the man.Caring and understanding staying real.Getting to know me for me not asking other people learn me for who I am and our friendship and relationship will grow a real man that’s what I prefer.
Oh that definitely helped to see things differently. Honestly I’m not even picky. All a guy has to do is seduce my mind and for that you only have to be funny and easy going so I always wondered “how the hell am I still single?” and I thought “maybe I’m just too ugly to have standards” you know but I guess now, I’ll just try to get out of my comfort zone and try more. So thanks a bunch Matt, really love your advices! x
1) be a gentleman – pull out chair, hold the door, treat me like a lady
2) pls don’t smoke. No body odour. No bad breathe pls.
3) Eye contact
two qualities?
honest and honest
i almost got cool feet to go out date just to find out that guy is being not honest with me.
but thx for Matt ‘s witty blog,which has been a morale support to me.
x
Someone who isn’t just my boyfriend but also my best friend. Someone with who I can always be my true self.
For me, a guy has to have a sense of humour which also includes being able to laugh at himself and not take things TOO seriously AND not be afraid to look like a goof!
But at the same time, I’d like a guy that stimulates me. It’s nice to have conversations that really make you think wow..question things and learn more about each other.
Cheers for the blog post matthew, i only signed up on your website a week ago and am loving it! So much to learn though, so much to learn haha