I want to talk today about one of those recurring first-date questions: Should you be straight with a guy that you’re looking for a relationship?
This is one of those questions that magazine columns obsess over, yet no-one seems to have a straight answer for it.
And it’s a tricky one: on the one hand, you don’t want to come across as desperate by admitting that you’re on a mission to find the one and will stomp on anyone who gets in your way. But then, you don’t want to have to hide your desires, pretending you don’t want a relationship when you secretly do.
How do we solve this dilemma?
Let me explain my position on this, because it might surprise you: you should not let a guy know that you are looking for a relationship on a first date.
This might seem weird coming from me; I’m always telling people not to play silly games like hard-to-get, and I never advocate using tricks to get a man in a relationship.
So why is it so important not to tell a guy you want a relationship on the first date?
Because you don’t!
You are not looking for a relationship. I’ll repeat that again. We shouldn’t just be looking for a relationship!
What we are looking for is the right person.
If we were just looking for a relationship, most of us could be in one within a week. All we would have to do is dramatically lower our standards and we could find someone who would want to be with us. But that relationship would do nothing for us.
Yet, why do so many of us walk around acting as though just being in a relationship is some kind of worthy goal to aspire to? We completely idealize relationships, we envy people who are in them, we feel bitter that other people have someone and we don’t, as we’ve completely bought into the paradigm that relationships are the pinnacle of success.
And are they? NO! Tons of relationships suck, they have no passion or fun, they consist of two partners who are bored of each other’s company, or who resent each other, or who haven’t had sex in ten years!
I understand though, when we’re on a first date, we don’t want to waste any time. We want to make sure that the guy knows what we’re looking for, and if he doesn’t like it, he can just leave right there and then.
There are two problems with this though:
- Just looking for a relationship scares a guy – it makes him feel like you are using him to cover up your own loneliness. This neediness scares him off.
- Most men don’t know they want a relationship until they have fallen for you.
Let me explain point 2. Contrary to popular belief, men are always assessing a woman’s relationship potential on a first date. He won’t tell you that because often he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. But – he hasn’t decided he wants a relationship yet.
A guy can be on a first date and be completely excited and blown away by the woman he’s with, and still if she turns around and says “are you looking for anything serious right now?” he’s going to suddenly be ambivalent. Because he hasn’t had time to seriously fall for this woman yet.
When I look back at some of my longest relationships, if you had asked me on the first date of that relationship what I was looking for, I probably would have said, “I’m just enjoying dating and being single right now”. Because at that point, that’s what I genuinely believed. And yet, within a month I was in a relationship.
A first date shouldn’t be an interview for a relationship. A first date should be geared around pure enjoyment – the only important questions are: Do I have fun with this person? Do I feel attracted to his personality? Is there an emotional and physical connection?
This is what first dates are for. Until we know the answer to these questions, there’s no point in asking our date what they are looking for in the long-term.
Besides, as I have repeatedly learned: what men think they want on a first date, and what they want on a third or fourth date can be very different things. Wait until you’re more certain about him, before you find out what he’s looking for.
What other things do you think should be left out of first-date conversation? Be sure to leave a comment and let us know!
Update: Our last UK Women’s Weekend of 2012 is taking place on November the 17/18th in London. This is the flagship event of GetTheGuy where the my team walk you through the complete A-Z of how to transform your love life, in two days of complete immersion. On the Saturday night of the event you even go and practice what you’ve learned live in London’s central venues. You will have never seen anything like it!