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To Anyone Going Through a Breakup

 

Nothing leaves you feeling more alone than heartbreak. You feel lost, afraid, and sometimes you also feel deeply unworthy. The worst part is wondering if you’ll ever feel happy again.

But there is a way to heal, and it starts with first understanding what the source of your pain actually is. In today’s new video, I share a way you can rewire your brain . . . not to ignore your grief, but to see it with fresh eyes and start to mend your broken heart.


To anyone going through a breakup, I hope this video is the start of you feeling better. I wanted to bring you over the next couple of months a couple of different sections from my new book, Love Life. There is an entire chapter, Chapter 14, that is called “Surviving a Breakup.” And I wanted to talk about the first of the five principles that I outline in that chapter today.

The first point I make in this chapter on surviving a heartbreak is that when we get out of a relationship, we are preoccupied, monopolized, overcome with our pain—the pain of having lost something that felt so deeply important to us and still does. But in all of that pain, which is tremendous, one of the things we forget to do is to connect with the newfound sense of peace that we have now that we are no longer in that relationship.

Now, for many of you, that is going to be an incredibly difficult concept to latch on to at first. “How could I feel peace? I’m in the worst moment of my life. How could that be connected to a sense of peace?”

Well, let’s explore it a little bit.

Think back to that relationship for a moment. I want you to start to, instead of looking for all the good things, I want you to start to look for the moments in that relationship that caused you pain. What were you missing in that relationship? It could have been quality time with your partner that you craved, but you never got in the way that you wanted. It could have been having your needs met on a physical level or feeling wanted by that person, or feeling important to that person, as important as the other areas of their life. It could have been pain caused by genuine mistreatment by someone who was verbally or physically abusive, by someone who put you down, who made you feel insecure, who betrayed you in ways big or small, who wasn’t loyal to you, who didn’t stick up for you, who didn’t make you feel special.

In what ways did you hurt in that relationship?

When we retroactively look for these red flags, we often find that there were so many things that we chose to ignore in the relationship that actually caused us tremendous pain and sickness while we were in it. You may be heartbroken that you lost this relationship, but you are no longer feeling those sources of pain. And that is a form of peace. It’s just a form of peace that we struggle to connect to when we’re only focused on the pain of the loss. You lost something you didn’t want to lose, but you also lost a lot that you did want to lose.

Now, I also know that some of you will be hearing that and it won’t resonate with you, because you will look back on your relationship and you will say, “Matthew, this person was perfect. This person was my perfect person. They were everything I ever wanted. The only problem was they didn’t want me. So, how am I supposed to look back over that relationship and tell myself there were all these horrible things going on in the relationship that caused me pain that I no longer have to endure?”

Even with someone who behaves well, treats us well, has integrity, or is an all-around good person, here’s what’s still true: Almost no one breaks up with us on the first day they had the thought to. Usually, when someone breaks up with us, we find out about the breakup on the day they tell us. They knew about the breakup weeks or months before. It’s one of the reasons people can move on so quickly. It’s because while we’re finding out about it today, they’ve had months to prepare, sometimes even years, mentally distancing themselves, finding ways to move on in their mind. Moving on in their mind is one of the ways they get up the courage to tell us that they no longer want to be with us.

So, ask yourself this: In any relationship where someone is already thinking about breaking up with someone else, are they likely to make the other person feel safe? Is it possible that during the time that this person was having doubts, you felt unsafe, you felt insecure, and you didn’t even know why at the time?

Can you look back on your relationship and say there was a time where you really felt insecure and you just couldn’t tell where it was coming from? People on the outside thought you were in a great relationship but something didn’t feel right to you? You felt scared and you didn’t know why? And the problem is when we don’t know why because someone isn’t telling us—they’re not revealing their doubts to us—we internalize it. We think it’s our fault. We think that we’re crazy. “It must just be my anxious attachment style playing up again.” “It must just be my insecurity.”

And then we shame ourselves for feeling all of these things. “Why am I not happy in this ‘incredibly happy’ relationship?”

My point is this: Even when someone is a good person, when they’ve decided on some level that they’re having doubts or that they don’t want to be with us, we can still be having, on an unconscious level, an experience with them that causes us suffering. And that means, once again, that when you’re no longer in that situation where you felt unsafe and didn’t know why, you can actually start to feel peaceful again. Yes, you miss the relationship, but you feel peaceful because you no longer have to feel unsafe in the relationship.

Now, for some of you, you’re thinking, “But how do I get over missing the relationship? How do I get over feeling like I’ve lost this incredible thing? Even if they were having doubts, I feel like I’ve lost the best thing I ever had.”

 Inherent in missing a relationship that badly is a story about how great that relationship was, about the romance, the passion, the great love story that was your relationship with this person. But we have to start to connect not with the love story we have in our mind, but with the reality. And the reality is that what we know for sure is that if someone broke up with us, they must have been having a very different experience of that relationship than we were, even if we were blissfully happy in our mind, even if we were feeling so good, even if we felt like this was our great love story, that was not their experience.

 We thought that we and that person were inhabiting the same world, when in fact, we were on different planets even if we were in the same room. And when we realize that, that’s when we can come to a place of genuine and radical acceptance—that this great love story that I’m grieving does not need to be grieved, because it did not exist in the form that I am telling myself.

Maybe there was a real attraction there at one point. Maybe there was even a long period of time where this person and I were on the same page. But at a certain point, we were having completely different experiences. We begin to realize that that relationship was a shaky stage set that we filled with all of our beautiful, loving intentions and ambitions for the relationship. And they, from a certain point onward, filled with pretending.

This is one of the hardest realizations to come to, because it means divorcing this idea of what we thought we had with someone. It’s a head trip to have to recontextualize the relationship through this new lens, and there will be a part of us that is married to the old story that does not want to let go of it.

But letting go of it is the beginning of feeling better and realizing we haven’t lost nearly as much as we thought we did, and making space for the kind of love story that we were longing for all along that can still show up in our lives. This requires real grieving. And that’s why there’s no heartbreak that doesn’t involve grieving. But what are you grieving for? Are you grieving for the great love story of your life, for the perfect partner, for the love of your life? Or are you grieving the loss of a reality that you’ve come to realize was not the case?

I promise you, the second kind of grief is temporary. The first kind of grief lasts a very long time. Because no one finds it easy to get over the idea that they lost the love of their life. But when you realize someone wasn’t the love of your life, you can actually begin to move on.

Now, as I’ve said, this is just one small excerpt of some of the content from my new book, Love Life. There is an entire section of the book on surviving the worst breakups of your life. And the book is available for pre-order right now. I know so many of you have it on pre-order already. And I wanted to tell you today, if you haven’t watched my other videos this month, that this month only, I’m doing something really special for people who pre-order.

I have an entire series on heartbreak, more specifically, on finding happiness after heartbreak, that I am gifting you as a bonus for pre-ordering the book right now. What I did in this series is I assembled a group of people that I believed would be some of the most powerful people in the world at helping you heal from your heartbreak. So, I interviewed Dr. Nicole LePera, the Holistic Psychologist. I interviewed Dr. Ramani, world-leading expert on narcissism, David Kessler, the leading expert on grief, Lewis Howes, Glo Atanmo, Lisa and Tom Bilyeu, and Amy Porterfield.

All incredible friends of mine who have amazing wisdom on how to move on from heartbreak. Every single one of these conversations is yours for free as a bonus for pre-ordering the book this month. It’s only available through the end of February. You’ll get the Heartbreak series for life, which is amazing because it’s not the last time we’re all going to be heartbroken in some way in life. Heartbreak is a part of life, but knowing how to move through it is a superpower.

And all of this I give you completely free just for pre-ordering a copy of my book, as my way of saying thank you for supporting me before the publication date. You’ll get the book in the mail in April, but right now, immediately, when you pre-order, you’ll get the entire Heartbreak series that I’m talking about. Go to heartbreakseries.com to pre-order the book. You could do it through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and a bunch of other places. And when you pre-order, take your order number on your receipt, go back to heartbreakseries.com, and you can put it in there for instant access to all of these conversations I’m talking about. And when you do, you’ll get them for life.

All right, heartbreakseries.com is the link. I’m so sorry that you’re in pain right now, but I promise you, it will get better. I just want to help you get there a little faster than perhaps you would on your own. Thank you for watching, and I’ll see you over at heartbreakseries.com

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20 Replies to “To Anyone Going Through a Breakup”

  • I preorder the book on audible… never got code!!! Where do I find it? I really need the heartbreak video. I preordered, but can’t find code! Help

  • I bought the book by Amazon pretty easy and I can’t wait to get it and read it!
    Thanks for your support and kindness Mattew and love life’s team!

  • Thank you Matthew for making the point clear that what I thought and felt was the man who I deeply adored was not real but instead was a man who came into my life with all the attributes to fill my needs except for one which was reciprocating the same thoughts and feelings during our relationship which ultimately caused him to leave. Although the emotional pain and grief of us ending has been immense I can now grasp the realization that what I thought I had did not truly exist. Now I focus on the red flags I chose to ignore and now can begin to feel thankful he left bc he was never really there .. only my FALSE fixations on how much he was exactly the man of my dreams. His reason for our breakup did not make any sense so along with the grief has also been confusion and lack of closure. My mind, heart and soul have been desperately searching for a viable reason for the breakup and now.. bc of your analysis which is so true, i can view my life with a more clear understanding that it doesn’t matter why he left bc the man i thought i had just wasn’t there.

    1. Wow! I have exactly the same feelings as you. No closure or exclamation just a break up. I thought this man was the man in my dreams, but the man of my dreams would never do this to me. It’s just hard to get over this reality.

  • After hearing your explanation of heartbreak, what happened to me makes a lot of sense now.

    Nine years ago I went through a break up that caused me great pain. I became anorexic as I watched my man become interested in another woman and he became very secretive. Although it hurt, after five months on unstable ground, I walked away from our four years together. The breakup completely undermined my trust and I’ve not been able to get close to anyone since. I hope that will change, as I see the broken relationship differently now. Thank you

  • This video has helped me understand and contextualise what happened in my recent break up quicker than the 8 therapy sessions I’ve had with a counsellor! The point you make, that at some stage our partner has “filled the space with pretending” hit me hard. It’s 100% accurate but I could not reach this realisation myself. I kept rehashing scenes and conversations trying to see where I missed clues and signs. But really, they made the decision to move on in their heads months ago and were filling our relationship space with pretending. And it also explains why he could move on so quickly and be in love with someone else a month after we separated. Thank you Matthew. I can move on myself now. And let it all go. Sweet relief!!! I now understand.

  • It’s been a few weeks since I broke up with the greatest love of my life. My biggest worry and regret is that he might never forgive me for breaking his heart. Like you said, I had already broken up with him in my mind several times before I got to tell him and when I did, it took him by surprise and was very hurting. I almost want to regret my decision everyday but then I remind myself of the many reasons why I broke up with him and that way, it gets easier.

    Thank you, Matt, for being there and comforting me this way. God bless you!

  • Hi Matt thank u, I’m grieving for a new relationship. I’m the man I spend almost 15 years, 10 years of marriage, coz last year we separated,busy with divorce now,I feel that the divorce process is taking abit long,coz in his country he remarried.we live in different countries already, I have noticed what was going on ,well he had it all planned out,for a long time. I wasn’t really sure what was going on. It was bad. I had nothing to loose but told him to take me back home ,my country and he didn’t want to and I stayed with my suitcases packed for a week. And that whole month he goes out and spend night out at his new partner,still comes home early morning and want to have sex with me.i didn’t understand that. But I made up my mind I’m over him and all that. I’m happy I can start my life over and,find someone who will value me, love me for who I am and I will do the same. But Matt I’m afraid, that at the moment I am not employed yet,I’m busy applying for teaching English online,I’m just not just sure if I will be able to buy the popcorn but Im okey. And I have another problem I don’t know why but I never dated anyone from my own country.i just don’t feel any connections towards our men in my country.i dated Angolan man.now I am so much into Asian men. Seriously?but I’m okey with it. Matt I went through a period,where I was just liking this guy page on fbk,I watch his serie on Netflix years ago,I liked it. Then everytime I open fbk I keep liking and giving comments of hearts and like being flirty. Just to find out that he is even in his twenties,then I was like really,what am I doing? I don’t date guys younger than me. And Matt I’m afraid of going on dating websites because I’m not sure which one is really or fake.i don’t know which one to choose. I feel so much better I sad all that.Thank you.

  • Hello,

    I pre ordered the book via AMAZON and did not receive a code, please will you advise me on how I can access the videos?

    Thank you

    Suzannah

  • Beautiful insight Matt. nailed it. Some times being the best version of yourself will not be enough to make a person choose you…. And that’s OK! We’re not a golden coin that everyone wants to keep. Even the most good looking, successful people have been rejected. Finding true love is a life quest.

    Just keep living with integrity and positivity. Believe that the right person who will reciprocate how you feel will come along.

    Thank you Matt for your work. You have contributed in my personal growth. I can’t wait to read your book! Blessings!

    1. Girl i hope you got in! It’s amazing! Matthew tells you to go to that website and it walks you through it. But you have to take your order number from the place you got the book. Copy and paste that number where it tells you! I hope you have the love life app- it will all be in there once you do it! Good luck!

  • Reach this relationship expert R.buc k ler11 [g ma i l]… c o m, to help you win back (Ex) fix relationship problem……………………

  • This relationship expert_________________________________ R.buc k ler11 [g ma i l]… c o m, can help you win back (Ex) fix relationship problem…..

  • There was a sign, less than a month in. And I thought i was overreacting- but it happened two more times in the following two weeks. I talked to him about a future vacation to his parents home country, saying that I also had never been to mine. He interrupted and completely ignored my deeper ask, which was time together somewhere special, and he proclaimed that he wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon, but when he did go, it would first be with his young daughter. It may have been innocent on his part and he wasn’t telling me I was dumb for saying this, but he disregarded my intention for saying I would love a trip with him. His response, well It was a small rejection in a way. But actually when i think about it, it was huge sign to me. Because I felt slapped in the face, my heart sank instantly and I remember an alarm going off, telling me he was not safe for me. Just from that response. And six months later, the times he disregarded my needs and lacked compassion, just continued and went with the daily little things. Let’s not even talk about the big things. Sigh. What ended it for him- was my fifth attempt to walk away, (each time before when I tried, he said things that showed his interest and he communicated his struggles slightly) and that time me asking him if he would want his daughter in my shoes going through this with someone. He told me he would set his daughter straight. And then, well we will leave it silent as to what he would do to the guy doing those things to her. Needless to say, he voiced that he had upgrading to do. That it wasn’t me. But i see now that my anxious attachment and his avoidant attachment wouldn’t work without real acknowledgment and effort on his part. I’ve been healing for 3 months now. It’s getting better. And your coaching truly makes a world of a difference. Thank you Matthew. I’m grateful for you. Beyond words.

  • These are wise and true words, really helpful. I have just decided to leave someone after 3 months of trying my best and seeing, it is getting me only again and again in pain. It´s the first week I feel the peace coming back again although there is still ruminating. It is so true, not being loved and wanted enough is so much bigger pain than accepting to be single again. Your words are comforting and thank you for sharing them. Wish I had heard them years ago when I was really believing the “love of my life” left me. Of course he was not, of course I met other wonderful men later (also not love of my lifes..), but it cost me 2 tough years to get over it. Your words would have saved me a lot of time!!! Looking forward to the book.

  • I preordered the book a few days ago, but i have no acess to the interviews in February. Is there a way to listen to them anyway? :(

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