A Surprising Mistake Most Women Make When It Comes To Guys and Sex

This is article #18 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

(Photo: Israel Tourism)

Enter Stephen

“So how many girls have you slept with in the last month?”

She tried to make it sound like a casual question. But it was obvious she had been building up to it for the last half hour.

I had to laugh.

Not just because of the out-and-out boldness of facing such a personal question when we were hardly serious, but because she looked at me so earnestly, as if I really did have something to hide.

The funny thing was though, I didn’t.

I had so little to hide it was kind of embarrassing.

My laugh sounded guilty though. Nervous maybe. And just then I remembered how annoying women find it when a guy responds to a serious question by laughing, so I quickly stopped.

“Slept with?” I said, raising my eyebrows. “I haven’t even met any girls in the past month.”

She nodded her head slowly, half-satisfied but unconvinced. She had that ‘don’t-give-me-the-usual-bullshit’ look a woman can get when she is absolutely certain that she and she alone is clued into what all men are like.

If only she were more clued in, she’d know the truth often turns out to be depressingly more sober than the fictions in our heads.

How Often Are Single Men Having Sex?

I’m always fascinated by the sex lives women imagine guys to have.

It seems to be one endless frat-boy fantasy, in which men are regularly approached by perky nymphomaniac cheerleaders, or lured from the bar by the buxom temptress in the red dress, who simply has to beckon with a finger to lead guys straight into a taxi to her bedroom.

Yea, right. In his dreams.

Most men are not smooth criminals. We are not Leonardo DiCaprio on a private beach with our next Victoria’s Secret model. Most of us are very grateful if we get a nice girl’s phone number once a week, let alone get asked to go to bed with a complete stranger.

How does this misconception arise, then, that guys are getting lucky more than they really are?

Partly, the problem comes down to men themselves: there are huge bragging rights in acting like a guy who has had more sexual partners than he can count on his fingers and toes, and guys often think it makes them sound more desirable if they’ve had a lot of sexual experience. So it pays for men to spread the rumour that they have an abundance of choice at every moment.

There is also a possible cultural explanation: Take one too many viewings of reality shows like Jersey Shore, coupled with the general rule that nearly every popular TV series must feature its alpha male characters having an affair or three, just to show how alpha they really are (See Mad Men, The Sopranos, The Wire, True Detective, House of Cards, and many, many more), and it becomes easy to believe that guys have no trouble whatsoever playing around whenever the mood suits them.

A final explanation, sadly, could be that women make assumptions that other females are easier to bed than they are.

I can’t speak for this assumption, and you may tell me otherwise, but it’s possible some women, despite knowing that they themselves have high standards, assume that there are scores of women out there who are much looser about having sex, and will be willing to sleep with a guy in a single evening, thus implying that guys have sex far more easily than they really do.

Any of these reasons are plausible. But the result is clear: women tend to assume men have far more sexual opportunities than they do in reality.

Statistically, only a small handful of players/ studs/ man-whores (choose your label) are actually doing the majority of the bed-hopping. Your average guy, however, is just feeling lucky if he managed to summon up the courage to talk to a pretty girl for twenty minutes on Friday night.

I would also wager that most women would also be astonished if they only knew how many good guys in fact refuse to pursue the occasional opportunity for casual sex because they don’t have any real feelings for the person offering it. This doesn’t go for all guys of course – I wouldn’t lie to you and pretend that all men are misunderstood sweet romantics inside.

But the presumption is false that most men fit into the ‘play around’ category, and that those who don’t are in the minority. We have to be constantly vigilant about making these false assumptions about an entire gender just because of some stereotypes in mainstream culture.

Take a recent Men’s Sex Survey of 10,000 guys by InsideHook (you can see the Buzzfeed highlights here), in which a considerable 48% of single men admitted to only having sex once a month or less (and you can guarantee most them were in the “or less” category). Another 23% of single men admitted to having sex once a week or less (again, you can bet most fall into the “or less” group).

And even these results are probably overestimating men’s sex lives, since men are liable to exaggerate their sexual numbers – for male pride is strong enough to overcome even the most anonymous of surveys.

Why These Assumptions Can be Dangerous For Your Dating Life

So how does knowing about the paucity of sex in the average bachelor’s life help you?

I believe it shatters an illusion into which modern society has brainwashed us. The illusion that everyone else is partying, having random sexual encounters, and generally living a movie star sex life when we’re not around.

Social media likes to feed this fantasy, by showing the highlight reels of our friends at what appear to be an endless stream of cocktail fuelled balls and wild nights out – all of which make us feel more depressed about the contrastingly sedate reality of our own daily existence (which is really everyone’s daily existing when they aren’t busy presenting a false image of themselves).

Moreover, when these cultural-gender stereotypes are in our mind in the early stages of dating, they can easily completely throw off our confidence and make us feel suspicion, envy or fill us with anxiety about the sexual side of things when our focus should only be on showing the best sides of our personality.

Perhaps the advice here is to be careful of buying into society’s portrayal of men and women – it can lead both sexes to self-destructive behaviour around each other.

Or maybe it’s that you can afford to relax and scope out a guy more than you think in the early stages, given that it’s a myth that guys will instantly go and look elsewhere if they don’t immediately have what they want (incidentally, it should never feel like you have to just give a guy whatever he wants in order to keep him in the early stages).

Or maybe it’s just to realise that there is much more variation among men than we imagine, and that gender stereotypes about men’s desire and ability to acquire easy sex cause us to overlook the range of guys out there who have very different ideas about what they want when they go out to meet women.

If nothing else, maybe just this: the next time you see a single guy strike out at the bar, go and give him a ‘way to go champ’ pat on the back and some words of encouragement. Because he’s clearly not scoring as much as he’d like everyone to think.

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48 Replies to “A Surprising Mistake Most Women Make When It Comes To Guys and Sex”

  • I really love your articles!
    When I’m done reading one, I always feel I learned something about guys/girls and their dynamic with each other.

    So well-written and deep, yet funny and wise – all at the same time.
    I hope you will continue to write here in the future.

    Much love from Norway!

  • well, I think that guys like what they cannot get, so when a girl gives him what he wants (sex) he will no longer be interested in her of course :) he will no longer think about her as his future wife, and yes society and traditions play a major role and affect how people think, believe and behave.I think that the whole story is about women, they should know how to behave with guys, they put the limits, because a guy will always want to play and have fun whenever he gets the opportunity.

    1. Really??? I don’t know actually ^^ I hope not! Sometimes, in dating, it’s really hard to refuse sex when you are attracted. Hmm…errr….xx

  • Hi Stephen,
    I agree it can lead to self- destructive behaviour of both sexes when we have these stereotypes in our mind.
    The first time I tried to break off the recent useless relationship, he insisted on coming round to talk things out. His description of how cut up he would be is to tell me, on the drive down he was so sad to think of me seducing another man in the cheap underwear he had recently gifted! I was simultaneously horrified and amused he thought I could find a replacement to seduce so quickly. Not going to miss my wit and sparkling repartee then!
    It does pay not to think of every man in the same light when you are a woman who has been on the receiving end of player behaviour.
    I was watching Mad Men, also started on House of Cards, and Betty is in shock at Don’s affair with Jimmys wife. She stands looking bereft and says ” but she’s old”. Ooh I felt her pain.
    Kathryn x
    PS it’s probably not a good idea to ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to, lol!

  • Great question. You hit the nail on the head D. I work in nightlife and see this multiple times a week. Men don’t go to a club with the mentality of finding a girl they can date. Lets face it, men know exactly what we are doing. For example, we know the type of women that always go clubbing. Don’t get me wrong, there are some of you enjoying a good time with friends, dancing and socializing. However, many women today are much more open to casual sexual encounters. Men go to these places to find those women. This guy was looking for sex and assumed you were one of those women. I mean I am sure you dressed sexy, flirted, kissed him and went home with him. Why else would him assume you weren’t going to put out? I am not judging, but we were also raised to put women in categories. Those we date and those we hook up with. Most guys wouldn’t want to waste their time dating a girl who is out at a club going home with guys. If you do it with him, he immediately assumes you do it with others. We known we aren’t George Clooney haha the guy you bend your own rules to sleep with. With men, actions speak louder than words too. However, you didn’t sleep with him. This might win you some points with certain men, but his actions clearly stated that he simply wasn’t that into you. He wanted casual sex. if it wasn’t you it would have been another woman. just because we want something now, doesn’t mean we want the same thing for later. There are women we fuck and women we date. Some women put out because they don’t want to ruin it (their mentality). Instead of worrying about what we want now, focus on the type of women you want to be. And trust me there is a huge difference. Even with my male friends, we always know a girl we all want to sleep with. But guess what, we also know a girl we all immediately say we would date. Which type of woman would you want to be? The type most guys would want to date or just sleep with? you would be surprised how often women confuse the two. I personally blame Hollywood and the media. Many women compete with girls simply because they get high amount of male attention. But there are different types of attention. If anything, be thankful he was an honest guy and didn’t lead you on.

    1. It would be hard to say what he was thinking. Some guys do not want anything but casual sex while they are single. SO no matter how amazing you are, they will always jsut try to sleep with you. I do suggest you probably shouldn’t have gone home with him if you didn’t plan of sleeping with him. If a girl ever agreed to go home with me within a few hours of meeting her and after I told her I was looking for sex, well you pretty much told him you were all for it the moment you left with him. Now you are a tease hahahaha

  • Btw great article guys!! As a fellow man I completely agree with this article. I struggle with this myself. However, my job doesn’t do me any justice either haha. I am a Nightlife VIP Host in Boston by night and I immediately get judged by women. Just because I walk around with a confident social demeanor and known a lot of girls, women assume I am this shady player that goes around sleeping with women. Although it does get me more female attention, I tend to scare away the good girls I would be more inclined to date. Yes I have high standards and through experience have learned the difference between girls you date vs girls that wouldn’t be more than hook up material. I do not care how sexy a girl looks, if she lacks values and is going around partying and going home with guys every weekend, she is not my type. Sure I have many opportunities to be this “player”, but I am one of those men that has learned self control. I hope women see past the illusion the immediately portray of me. See ladies, there is just as much variation among us men as there is in women. I simply suggest you take time and analysis guys before making an impression. And don’t forget, actions speak louder than words.

    1. To be honest, it’s really difficult not to assume that a good-looking guy sleeps with many women. As much as I would like to believe that the majority of men are not players, I have a difficulty to trust men who are outgoing, loud and generally very fun to be around. I’m more likely to trust the so-called “nice guys” in that respect. Even in they don’t have casual sex very often, they seem to act like they do and it’s misleading. Why should I risk treating such guy as a relationship material? If men want “good” women with passions, hobbies, values and integrity to trust them, they should stop behaving like Casanovas. I really great girl will never be interested in a man like this.

        1. How does a fun outgoing handsome guy mean he is a Casanova? I have brought girls out with me for example and never have I disrespected her or flirted with girls while I am even with her. I act like a gentlemen.. However I do get female attention and sure I can go on a few dates, but that does not mean I am shady, untrustworthy or dishonest. I have dated women who are also very attractive, outgoing and tend to get hit on more than average. However some are shady, dishonest and absolutely crave attention. Some of them even openly flirt with other guys. Those are the red flags I look for. I have also met the outgoing social girls who aren’t shady but respectful and extremely polite. Perhaps you are looking for the wrong red flags?? I have made the same mistake in the past.

          1. Dave, I also liked the article, and your comment. I think many women have negative ideas about men (and vice versa) and that is unfortunate. Perhaps people are afraid that if they think highly of someone, or even give him the benefit of the doubt, than if he turns out to be a jerk after all, it will hurt.
            But it’s better to get to know someone and discover whether he is a good guy or not, rather than quickly jumping to conclusions.

          2. Dave, I appreciate you sharing your male perspective. I think a confident, attractive, outgoing man who gets attention easily from ladies gives us an opportunity to reflect on why this makes us so uncomfortable. It is possible he is a Casanova, but it is equally possible our own insecurities about ourselves are clouding the picture. Just because other women think a man is attractive doesn’t make him a Casanova.

    2. I am curious as to what specifically makes woman turned off by a Casanova. Doesn’t he possess the qualities you want in a man? Just because he is a Casanova doesn’t mean he is a liar, shady, or a cheater. Perhaps he is always 100% honest about his intentions and women appreciate it. Are you turned off by the fact he beds many women? Or are you turned off because you believe he is dishonest, shady, and can be a cheater? If so, are you scared because you are competing with many other women for his attention or simply find it gross and unattractive?

      1. I am glad to see some male perspective besides Steve’s and Matt’s here! Answering your question, I would say that… it’s a mix of all that you mentioned! It’s really hard for someone that doesn’t think of herself as a “super sexy lady” to compete with all the others claiming attention and showing off. I have a lot of difficult time dealing with it, because usually men like me like a great friend, as we share values and tastes, but I always think that sexual interest shades all this.

        And many times I’ve seen the good looking guy keeping the beauty for long even when complaining (a lot!) about her. Which I think is just insane! And the funny thing is that I can feel the girl is kinda jealous of me because of the friendship and care I have for her boyfriend. But why won’t she take more care of him, instead of just assuming the “back off” posture?!

        So, at least in my case, when a guy is just too handsome, I am just turned off, because – yes, it’s a crazy act of prejudice! – I already assume that it would never work out.

        1. It’s funny you say that because many men also feel the same way about gorgeous women. It is as if we know it will never work out. Some feel this way because they put these women on a pedastool assuming she will easily replace him with a better looking, richer, and more charming guy. Yes our own insecurities. Others however believe these women are simply raised as princesses, never being able to commit because she will always want more and more. Unfortunately in our society we praise these women and spoil them constantly. It isn’t even their fault haha. You are right.. Most guys are so caught up being with the beauty that they put up with bad attitude and disrespectful behavior. Unfortunately this conditions these women and makes them feel like they can do whatever they please without any consequence. After dating my share of beautiful women I have come to realize that beauty is not everything. I may be 25, but I put incredible importance on values, respect, honesty, emotional maturity, and loyalty. Unfortunately most people lack these fundamental qualities necessary for any mature relationship to develop. Instead of immediately assuming things won’t work out simply by their looks, I analyze their attitude towards friends, family and absolute strangers. If they do not practice those fundamental values with others, they won’t in a relationship. I want to finish my post with a little advice for you ladies. The biggest dating problem I witness is that a lot of people forget that actions speak louder than words. I am sick of seeing women (and men as well) failing to put themselves first. Letting others get away with disrespect and shadiness. Remember the purpose of dating is to determine if an individual is worthy of your company and a relationship. If there are red flags or inconsistent behavior, be aware and thankful you spot them out before it’s too late. Follow your instincts and keep it moving.

          1. To answer to your first question, I am turned off by the casanova not because I am scared of competition. He has different goals than mine. I don’t want to add drama in my life by trying to change him.
            I wouldn’t even want him for sex. For sex only I’d go for a less experienced handsome man that would have a lower possibility of having STDs and if I change my mind I might be able to stand a chance to change things.
            On the other hand Casanova’s tend to have double standards or sometimes tend to have misogynistic views.
            I met a fair share of Casanovas and made a couple mistakes to know better what to avoid.

  • Great article. Thank you, Steve.
    Several cognitive biases identified by Behavioral Economists may explain the phenomena you describe. Availability heuristic, described in Kahneman’s and Tversky’s foundational paper on heuristics and biases is a substitution of the statistics with the vividness of the examples that come to one’s mind. For example, if a woman can easily recall other women flirting with her boyfriend, she will overestimate the likelihood of her boyfriend getting easy partners.
    Anchoring makes one’s mind to latch to some other numbers, even if they are unrelated to the question considered. In Kahneman’s and Tversky’s experiments, the subjects had to spin a wheel of fortune and then guess the number of countries in Africa. Statistically significant averages showed that those who had a higher number on the wheel were guessing a higher number of countries. In the context of dating, when selected individuals boast about their large numbers of conquests, others subconsciously anchor on these numbers when estimating romantic successes of specific individuals.


    1. Thanks so much Victoria, love your behavioural economics perspective on things. It really clarifies the material!

      Stephen x

  • The pieces by Stephen are mainly all right, and sometimes insightful. I just find Stephen tends to be a little more sexist than Matthew, so seeing his posts here sometimes is a turn off.

    One thing bothers me a lot. This is the second time Stephen assumes women only want to have sex to please a man, or to catch a man. You know, women also have sexual desires. I know, shocking! Gasps! So women might want to have sex… drum roll… because they want to have sex! Wow! I know, shocking again.

    Based on this info, I find it incredibly condescending when Stephen says woman can wait to have sex, because man are not having that much sex, so they can afford to wait. ( Wow, really, as if a woman who doesn’t want to have sex would have sex just in case he might sleep with someone else. Really? I mean, really?)In the previous post, he claims a woman should not “lower her standards” by having sex on the first date, as if her decision for sex would be based on wanting to keep the guy. Wow. Sexist.

    Now the book Get the Guy is a lot more subtle, and does not assume women don’t want to have sex, it simply explains why having sex early on might not be a good idea. Cause, you know, just in case we are really into the sexist neanderthal with double standards or the insecure dude. It happens, and many women fall for this guys, so, ok, there is a point there. Fine.

    I’m not too upset because neither Matt nor Stephen advocate using sexuality for manipulation or an exchange coin for a relationship or monogamy. Kudos for that, cause many dating gurus tell woman to do stuff like that. So, none of that in Matthew’s teaching, which, I think, doesn’t piss off feminists, which is a smart idea, because we are smart women who usually have money.

    Now, really, assuming women only have sex to please a guy, or assuming women have to be the gatekeepers, takes away from women the possibility of sexual desire, and their own agency. I’ll ask you guys, if you met an incredibly hot, sexy, cute and intelligent women, if the occasion presented itself and if she wanted it, would you resist? Why should the woman resist? That’s double standards. I know, I know, lots of men have double standards, but who cares, maybe some women don’t think they are relationship material.

    Nice people, man and women, don’t classify people into hook up and relationship material, in fact, they tend not even to hook up, because they want to have sex when it’s more meaningful. That means these people are not getting a lot of sex, and when they meet someone, and sparks fly, well, not doing it would require an intense amount of strain. Older women especially are not into pretending to be virginal saints, cause it doesn’t even make any sense, and I know older women read this blog, so please be careful, very, very careful with assumptions.

    Now, back to the subject of the post, I do know people who sleep with a lot of people, man and women. Loads and loads of partners. What I found out, strangely, is that men who really sleep with a lot of women, tend to LIKE women, and respect them fully, including their sexuality. It means they don’t meet women as adversaries to be conquered, but as partners, and they’d never use the word slut. Mind blogging, and someone should teach aspiring PUAs to first and foremost respect women. (Although I think Matthew must have done that). As for neanderthals with double standards, well, they might be out trying to “score”, but they are usually at home, with their computers, and eh, let’s stop there.

    Moral of the story is just that many women like sex, enjoy sex, and want sex. From these women, the only ones who avoid sleeping early with “relationship material” are the ones who sleep around a lot, and then try to play the saint for that special guy. No problem with that cause she’s probably interested in a guy who acts the same way towards women, so they are perfect for each other. Lots of sexually healthy women get physically attracted at the same time they are emotionally or intellectually attracted (a lot like men), and then will want to have sex madly, regardless of the outcome of the possible relationship. Now, sex early might scare away douche bags with double standards, but I’m not even sure that’s a bad thing. Indeed, I’m inclined to think Stephen is a guy with double standards, and perhaps even Matthew,and they seem to be really nice people. Still, please don’t assume women’s sole role in sexuality is to be passive gatekeepers without desire because it might offend some readers. A lot!

    As for me, I love Matthew’s advice (not Stephen’s), but as for my sexuality, I’ll use it the way I want. It’s not for bargain, not for exchange and certainly not for bait.

    1. Hi Dana,

      Thank you for contributing and offering food for thought on what is a very tricky issue for both men and women.

      I must take umbrage with some of your points though, particularly the insinuation that I have made any sexist assumptions, with which I strongly disagree.

      Of course you are well within your rights to challenge mine or Matthew’s gender politics, and we are always happy to have these kinds of debates, as we feel they have the potential to enlighten everyone (especially ourselves) when they are openly discussed in a clear and rational way.

      Let me make a few brief points about my own views, since you have attributed some views to me that I simply do not hold:

      1) I have never said or implied anywhere that women do not enjoy sex, nor have I ever said that women only want sex to please a man. To believe that I think otherwise requires a particularly ungenerous reading of the points I made in the two articles you mention.

      For the record, I am well-aware (and very pleased) about the fact that women want and enjoy sex just as much as men.

      2) I would *never* judge women who are looking for a guy just in order to have sex, get laid, and have a good time. Anyone is perfectly entitled to want and pursue this, man or woman, and I would also never assume that women are “passive gatekeepers” of sex, whose only job is to decide whether or not a guy should be allowed it or not.

      That should at least clarify my position on those two issues. I apologise if any points in my articles implied that I held anything other than the views I just mentioned.

      With regards to the specifics of the points you mention…

      You say about me: “he claims a woman should not “lower her standards” by having sex on the first date, as if her decision for sex would be based on wanting to keep the guy”

      You are right. I do claim a woman should not lower her standards, WHATEVER her standard is. Not so she can keep the guy, but so she can keep her self-respect. There are women out there who will have all different standards. Some will have the standard that it is fine to have sex on a first date, and are indifferent to the timeline of when they will have sex. That is completely fine. I am totally with you that the guys who judge women based on whether they have sex too early are probably highly inexperienced and have an outdated prudish view of female sexuality. A woman can sex within ten minutes of a date if that’s what she chooses to do.

      My point in that article you mention was that whatever your standard is, whether three dates, or 6 months, or 5 minutes, you stick to YOUR standard, instead of going along with someone else’s just to please them (again, some women will be very pleased to have sex on a first date – in which case, all good, go for it). Note that nowhere here have I assumed that women do not want sex, nor have I said that women should wait in order to keep a guy.

      Also – I think your decision will be different depending on whether you want a relationship or just sex. If a woman wants a relationship, I think there can be good prudential reasons NOT to sleep with a guy on a first date, if only because it helps to separate guys from those who *just* want sex and nothing more (i.e. the guy who tells you what you want to hear but wastes your time), from guys who would be genuinely interested in a relationship. For this reason, it is a good idea not to have sex right away, so that you can get to know him a bit more and find out his intentions. I personally don’t like to have sex on a first date or two, for example, because I feel I need to know the person and trust them before I feel comfortable about it.

      Look at this from another angle – I might want to ask a girl to marry me within a week of knowing her, but it would be silly to propose in the first week/month, because I haven’t given myself any chance to really know who she is yet. Equally, even if you want to have sex with a guy (or girl) within ten minutes of seeing them, it might be wise to get to know him better (if you want a relationship) in order to understand their intentions more.

      You also say: I find it incredibly condescending when Stephen says woman can wait to have sex, because man are not having that much sex, so they can afford to wait

      If a woman is only after sex and fun, you are correct, my point here is irrelevant.

      My point here is very simple. If you want sex with a guy, that’s great. If you want to attract a guy not only for sex but also a long-term relationship, and don’t want to waste your time with guys who *only* want to chase a quick lay, there are prudential reasons for not having sex immediately so that you can get to know him a bit better and build some emotional connection outside of sex first. That is all. Yes, it is possible to have sex with a guy on the first date and end up in a happy, healthy relationship – I do not deny that (I have seen it many times). My point is that in general there are reasons to at least know the kind of guy you are dealing with first if you want something serious, or else it’s easy to risk wasting time.

      “As for my sexuality, I’ll use it the way I want. It’s not for bargain, not for exchange and certainly not for bait.”

      I completely agree with you.

      It seems you have assumed my points about not having sex immediately are to do with using sex as bait. Actually, it’s the complete opposite. I actually say in this piece you should *never* use sex as a tool for getting the guy to keep coming back. Only ever do it because you want to. My point was about *not* seeing your only value as a woman as your sexuality, based on a ridiculous view that men will only be kept coming back because a woman ‘puts out’ in the early stages. It’s about choosing for yourself (whether you want to do it immediately or wait), instead of letting society dictate when someone should have sex, or letting society feed us the lie men will only chase women who bait them with sex. Sex should never be part of a power struggle or exchange – it should be something two people choose to do because they want to in the moment, and never to manipulate.

      Finally, as a side point, I totally agree with you that guys who have more sex can often have a more healthy view of women, simply BECAUSE they understand women’s desires better and don’t have some ridiculous, unrealistic view of all women as prudish virginial saints – so this is a very good point.

      Hope this helps to clarify some things.

      It greatly saddens me to think that anyone would describe me as being sexist or in anyway against a woman’s right to pursue sexual relationships, or as somehow believing that women are not sexual creatures and only have sex to please men. If my writing has ever at times implied otherwise, perhaps it is my job to be more careful in future about how I state my points, which i will certainly do so. I have always been against such ridiculous medieval views, and will take more care to ensure I am not misinterpreted in this way in future.

      Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate you giving me your opinion and allowing me to discuss these issues openly with you.


      1. Lovely reply, thank you for taking the time to write that.I’m sorry I perhaps misunderstood a sentence like “maybe it’s that you can afford to relax and scope out a guy more than you think in the early stages, given that it’s a myth that guys will instantly go and look elsewhere if they don’t immediately have what they want” .

        Also, what I wrote is that you and Matthew DO NOT encourage women to use sex as a bargain coin, unlike other dating experts out there, so that’s awesome. And the book Get the Guy is not sexist or condescending to women AT ALL, unlike most dating advice, which, again, is pretty awesome. The downside is that you might have some feminist readers.

        Writing is tough, and you’ll never please everyone, but lots of people like your articles, so it’s great! Sorry if I seemed upset. Awesome explanation, great points, and lovely insight.

        1. Dana I think you raised an interesting point about gate keeping and female sexuality. Whilst I think Matthew and Stephen are generally self reflective and seem to have insight into gender politics and constructs I believe it is important to think critically about these topics. I appreciated your comment as I have had similar thoughts – Especially around sex.

        2. Dana,
          I am glad that you are satisfied with Stephen’s response. I’d add that individual circumstances have tremendous variability that’s difficult to encompass in a general column. Think about it as a Gaussian (“normal”) distribution.(*) Typical circumstances cluster within 2-3 standard deviations around the mean and numerous exceptions comprise long tails. “Norms” and “exceptions” apply to populations of women and to behaviors of individual women. Looking at my own history, I know when I broke my own rules, when I was glad that I did, and when I regretted that I did. If I were to give an advice, I’d focus on my “rules” (not to be confused with the book by the same name) and would not offer my “exceptions” as a guide.
          By working with thousands of women Matthew and Stephen have a pretty good idea of what most women “normally” want, and what they “normally” don’t want. They also have insights into the male psyche. By reading this blog we are getting informed how it “normally” is. From here, we make our own decisions on when we want to comply with the “norms” and when we want to venture into the tails of the Gaussian jungle.


          (*) Throughout this post I use the words “normal” and “norm” to signify data points falling within 2-3 standard deviations from the mean of a Gaussian distribution. I am taking liberties with statistics by intentionally keeping the nature of the data vague.

  • Hey D,

    Regarding your original comment, I think it’s probably a good reason to wait at least one date before doing anything too physical with a guy. There are of course some guys with this mentality of just chasing sex as fast as possible, and it’s better to have learnt who he is before you’ve had sex with him if you’re looking for something serious. Usually you can tell a lot about a guy by how he reacts to being denied sex, or how pushy he is for sex on a first date. If he tries too hard, it’s a red flag I think, and usually means he’s not thinking about future dates.



    1. “Usually you can tell a lot about a guy by how he reacts to being denied sex, or how pushy he is for sex on a first date.” I agree. I used to feel bad when a guy didn’t contact me for another date. With Matthew’s coaching, and focusing on becoming a high value woman for myself, it doesn’t bother me as much any more. Maybe a guy was just looking for sex. Maybe we weren’t a fit in some other way. But it doesn’t matter, because there a plenty of men to choose from. No need to chase after the ones who show ambiguous interest.

      1. Stephen hit the nail on the head. I tell all my female friends the very same thing. If you constantly find yourself in this position the solution is very easy. Listen to your mother because she knew exactly what she was talking about. Stop sleeping with guys right away. be patient and you will easily see his true intentions. If he still takes you on dates and shows interest and self control, then he is romantically interested in you. If he pulls back then he was only interested in sex. Unfortunately a lot of men aren’t confident enough to be honest about their intentions. They say what ever it takes to get what they want. There are women that do the very same thing as well. It is time to become aware and only attract the right people into your lives.

  • I was very flippant in my reply and as this has become more of a serious debate I just wanted to make a small point.
    However sexually mature, desiring or not as a woman you are it really does make sense to wait to see if the guy is trustworthy. Women do naturally and biologically invest more emotionally in sex than men. It is a scientific fact. Do you want to put yourself through the emotional wringer. There are better things in life to be getting on with. I was introduced to a guy by a friend, thus indicating a level of trust and safety. I waited until I thought I knew him, we had a certain level of connection, friendship. But all the time was building a picture, that gradually became crystal clear, he had never properly left his wife and family. I am a woman with sexual desires who thought it was all perfectly consensual and lovely, even if he did buy cheap, supermarket lingerie! If I had waited longer and got to know him better I would not now be left feeling angry and that I wasted time, money and emotion. I never wanted a long term relationship with this guy but that would be missing the point. We women should never be using sex as a bargaining chip or bait but we do need to be sensible. I don’t think Stephen was being sexist in his articles at all. He, as many men obviously likes sex and feels able to discuss it within his articles. I have always thought he talks about it in a very respectful, male insightful way which is helpful. Could actually keep a lot of women safe too. It sounds terribly old-fashioned to say but sex is better in a safe, trusting environment where two people have a great connection and have spent some time building the anticipation. Knowing that when it does happen, and the chemistry will tell you that, that it will be amazing.
    I was married to a handsome man very senior in the Airline Industry. I can tell you, one does not need to be good looking to be an enormous player in this field. And given the scope for opportunity most of the men are. He will verbally state that he will not have sex with a woman he is even vaguely serious or respecting unless he has earnt it in some way. Of course they take what is offered on a plate all the time. But when it comes to even a casual relationship, it is just beneath their masculinity. Even views it with contempt that sex could be offered that easily. And these men are not discreet when this happens.
    Thank you for such an open debate. I know for myself I will be more careful with my time and energy and I really appreciate Stephens advice.
    Kathryn x

  • I feel like this article is very condescending towards women. We are not stupid, obviously we realise most guys don’t have crazy sex lives. Does this article even have a point?

  • I agree with Stephen, we have been brainwashed by the Hollywood and media not only in terms of cultural-gender stereotypes and assumptions, but in terms of everything else. All sorts of ideas and pseudo-values have been imposed on us: what to wear, what to listen to, what career to pursue, what is cool and what isn’t cool. And sadly, the vast majority of people just follows.

  • I enjoyed this article very much. I find that societal images of men often portray them as uncaring opportunists who will have sex with a random woman every chance they get. But my experience has been that there are many men who want to feel a heart connection with the woman they are being sexual with. There may be a few men out there who “use” women, but I think the majority are just bumbling through like the rest of us, trying to find a real connection, but not always sure how to get there. There is a tremendous pressure on men from each other, and from women, to seem “manly”. I am very thankful to Matthew for his Keep the Guy series, because it has opened my eyes on how to make the man in my life feel manly – a tremendous gift we as women can bring to the men in our lives.

  • On okcupid, there is a question where it asks “does it bother you if your partner slept with more than 10 people?”. there are a bunch of potential choices but one of them is “no, that’s nothing”. Men routinely select this and frankly men are to blame for this idea that all they do is sleep with women. Women aren’t doing it, we are just reacting to it. Of course I assume men are sleeping around with tons of women. They indirectly support promiscuity. It’s very rare I meet a man who says he is relationship oriented.

  • I disagree with the article. There are different type of guys. There are those who don’t get laid and you feel very secure about them, there is the average Joe that has no game and he is more or less what you described and then there is the promiscuous man that even if he gets laid, even if he has a gf he is still looking around for something extra.
    I even had the bad luck to meet someone that he charmed me, made me believe that he had eyes only for me and then discover that what he was telling me was a well rehearsed game. Even his opening line was the same with the rest of the girls. He would give a girl a week of full attention and then pull back to give a week of full attention to the next girl.. while he had couple of girls that they were thinking they were “modern” and “against society rules” and would be happy to be one of his girls.
    The truth is that any man can get many girls if he opens up and start talking to people without making any discrimination. I’ve seen it with my eyes.
    I saw a very ugly guy with rotten teeth opening up a friendly conversation with beautiful women and because he was charismatic he was making beautiful women interested in him. I was speechless of how many women were falling for a few seconds feeling special. Even the ones that could be considered as that beautiful to have been spoiled by men.
    If a man can be social and has that initial attractive value to you he has it with other women too. It is up to him if he is going to use it or not. And with the constant rise of demand of open relationships and FWB from guys and the lowering of societal pressure for women to have sex within the boundaries of commitment the chances of casual sex and cheating are higher.
    Promiscuous women that are ok with casual sex sometimes are the worse enemies of those that want to settle down.
    And I’ll bring you as an example my experience with some guy that did all he could to convince me that he wanted a relationship and he was my bf but had a FB on the side that she was also covering her tracks.
    I can go on and on about my experiences but my lesson in life is better be safe than sorry. You never know when you are going to be the red ridding hood meeting the bad wolf. And bad wolfs usually hide behind the mask of the good guy/honest man etc. They never approach you as bad wolves.

  • I have to agree with parts of this article in that women do find men more desirable if they feel a guy has “Choices”. Something happens in a woman’s mind that goes like, “oh, other women want him. I should as well because there’s something good with him.”

    What I would like to point out is this great read detailing some actual sex mistakes women make once they have a guy:


    It has some humor, but definitely highlights what women should avoid if they want to be his most memorable.

    1. I completely disagree. It’s a complete turn off to me. Other women that I’ve talked to about it seem to be on the same page. I think it’s for whatever reason the way men believe..(kind of like the whole “size matters” argument!!

    2. I don’t. I am totally disgusted.I, too have had men try to impress me with their stories about sleeping with other women. Nothing will turn me off more.

  • Thanks for the article… But I cant help but wonder (because of a recent situation) what happens when its the other way around and the guy who you are not in a relationship with is asking about your sex life? I avoided the answer but this resulted in him getting a little upset and acting weird…

    1. Check out Matthew hussey, he is Stephens brother and did a YouTube Video on that question, just search for that on YouTube

  • I don’t care at all how many women my man had slept with. My concern is if I decided to sleep with him at some point of our relationship, how would I tell him that I want to be responsible of our health if we decide to have sex and that I will only have peace of mind if we both get checked with STD. Am I being paranoid here? I guess I make sense but how exactly I would deliver the conversation so I won’t scare him away.

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